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July 21, 2003
With Jon Stewart, Ed Helms, Samantha Bee, Rob Corddry and Stephen Colbert. 
Jon:
The big story everyone's talking about is Kobe Bryant, brought up on charges of sexual assault in Colorado. Now Bryant held a tear-filled press conference Friday, take a good look at this exclusive footage, which has set the stage for a trial and I'm going to go out on a limb here, I think this trial is going to get a bit of attention. Now, we know you're going to have a lot of outlets for your Kobe Bryant trial coverage needs, but I want you to know that we're on top of it. We're committed to give you full team coverage. We're going to have Ed Helms covering the day-to-day legal drama, we're going to have Samantha Bee brining you critical background information from the site of the incident, Rob Corddry will be in our Kobe Bryant Information Center here in New York, which can you imagine has never been busier. We built the Kobe Bryant Information Center back in '99, and I remember at the time thinking 'do we really need this?'. And now ... I'm glad we have it. So I think its going to provide us with a lot of info. Let's begin with the preview of our Kobe Bryant coverage with our Senior Legal Analyst, Ed Helms. Ed is out in Colorado. Ed, as the trial progresses, what are are you going to have for us?

Ed:
Thank you, Jon. Over the next few months, I'll be here outside the Eagle County Courthouse in Colorado. I will be shooting coverage of lawyers coming out of cars, and I will walk beside them as they head toward that entrance behind me. It is there where I will wait until the end of the day when I will again bring you footage of the lawyers. Only this time they will be getting back into their car.

Jon:
That's wonderful, Ed. How will you bring your unique legal expertise to this highly publicized case? 

Ed:
Everything I learned temping in a Paralegal office will come into play, and what I lack in inaccuracy, I will make up in sheer volume. Above all, our viewers can count on me to exercise absolutely no discretion. I'll report on things in the morning that will be discredited in the afternoon. And no source will be too unreliable. For instance, I've received word that Kobe Bryant killed a hobo while living in Italy in 1992. This according to a dream I had last night after eating a particularly spicy fish taco. 

Jon:
Thank you, Ed. We'll be looking forward to that. Now. you're probably asking what about the human element to this story? For that we have our Senior Human Element Correspondent, Samantha Bee, at the hotel where the alleged incident took place. 

Samantha:
Jon, much is known about Bryant, but what about the unnamed victim of this alleged sexual assault? I'll be talking to people who know her, people who kind of know her, people who don't know her, but have an opinion anyway. I will bring you such precise and detailed information about the unidentified woman that even a child could figure out who it is. Now because I am a woman, your natural inclination will be that I am biased in favor of the so-called victim. To compensate with that, I will frequently refer to her as a filthy whore, and a gold digger. 

Jon:
Samantha, I believe your job would be an objective voice --

Samantha:
Well, yeah, I'm not going to do it to her face.

Jon:
Alright, thank you, Samantha. Now we go to Rob Corddry in the said Kobe Bryant information center in New York.

Rob:
Yes, well we have so much planned for this trial. For instance, this triple box here [see above image] but that's not all, Jon. Our main focus will be the title graphics for our trial coverage. 'The Kobe Bryant Trial' ?  Come on! All that does is convey the info in a succinct manner, hello this is news. A symphany for the NBA superstar grows, we'll probably  go with 'Bryant's Song'. However, if the tide turns against the five time all star you might start seeing 'Kobe Dick' pop up down there. Now in the unlikely event that the victim is pregnant with twin children undoubtely you'll be seeing 'They Might Be Bryant's' . I know that's a long shot, Jon, but how perfect would that be?

Jon:
Is there anything else you're working on, Rob?

Rob:
Well, we've had a couple of preliminary meetings about music, but so far all we have is this (plays generic, newsy music) We hope to give that a newsier feel by the pre-trial hearing August 10th. 

Jon:
Well, thank you very much Rob. As we see, the overall team coverage of the Kobe Bryant trial has -- (Stephen Colbert makes an 'ahem' sound) Stephen, what are you doing here?

Stephen:
Jon, my job during this trial will be media criticism and I have to tell you, the media coverage of this trial will make me sick. I'll be taking among other things umbrage. I will be a refreshing voice of reasoning, Jon. 'Wouldn't be surprised to see a book deal my way.

Jon:
Stephen, the media may surprise you in this. They may not --

Stephen:
Please, Jon. It will begin with the gratuitous overplaying  of the footage. Can we play that? (clip plays of press conference) There the weeping, fallen hero, his beautiful supportive wife standing by her man, perspective and analysis will take a back seat to one sensational image of a man weeping (watching footage) right there! His beautiful wife holding his hand, God I wish I had another angle on that wife. I show you this footage to demonstrate how a complex (some french word, little help here?) frailty will be  reduced to spectacle. Just one more out of control truck on fire. Chuck, can we see that footage?
(shows footage of a truck barreling down a road on fire [from October of 2001])
Holy shit! Look at that baby go!! Disgusting ...

Jon:
Stephen, do you think your criticism is going to have a meaningful effect on the coverage?

Stephen:
I don't know, Jon. Sure some of my colleagues will fight back, we'll get in the trenches and go at it tooth and nail, and eventually I'll lose my cool and call someone a fag on the air... I will then be fired. So goes the life of a media pundit. Jon? 

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