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There is now a second page of Quotes. Any new quotes will be on the second page.
*if you want some funny captions, here they are.

"I'm a journalist that's what I do, I blow lids"

                                                             -Vance DeGeneres

"How Does [Mr.] Rogers do it?!"

                                                    -Jon Stewart when he couldn't get his Mr. Rogers jacket  on during newz for kidz.              

"Life's a B---h and then you marry one"

                                                     -Steve Carell

"We're back, and our graphics are bad @$$, baby!" 

                                                       -Jon Stewart

"What are you suddenly, queer for whales?!"

                                                        -Vance DeGeneres

"STEVE CARELL [hugging Stephen Colbert] : "I love you daddy! I love you daddy!"                                                         

STEPHEN COLBERT: [Singing] "Hush little baby don't say a word, papa's going to buy you a mocking bird"    

STEVE: "He [Elian] should go back with his daddy! Elian should be with his daddy!"

STEPHEN:" What?!"

STEVE : 'Elian should be with his daddy!"

STEPHEN: "And raise some commie pinko! You're weak! [slapping Steve] Just like your mother! Why don't I get you a bra and some panties and you can dance around you fairy!

"Well, Vance Its almost 11:30 here [stock exchange]  at night, activity has slowed considerably, but the mood here remains tense. I'm hearing a lot of 'you and your crew are here illegally' and 'please leave the premises or you'll be arrested' "   

                                                             -Nancy Walls

"What was a created to do? I know! Destroy Oprah Winfrey"                

                                                             -Jon Stewart

"Well, history with a name, booger woman."

                                                          -Vance DeGeneres. 

"Hearts Island where the city buries its anonymous dead, you know what would liven this place up? How about Soccer!?"

                                                           -Vance DeGeneres

JON: Canada doesn't even vote here

MO ROCCA: I know isn't that adorable?

"hEy sTeWey bABy?

wHaT hAPPNS wHeN no NEWz R?

-Smampi, age 6 again.

P.s: Fart, see?"

-letter Jon gets during a newz 4 kidz.

 

VANCE: Oh my god!

JON: what? are you okay?

VANCE: that pictures ten years old! What am I paying my publicist  for anyway?

Jon and Vance (via phone) in the Balkans [I think]

 

I got this off the old Indecision 2000 site:

Carell: "The Republicans are trying to humiliate Bill Clinton, unless you would have us believe that the right-wing is legitimately anti-fiscal responsibility and pro-radiation. Do you think us blind?"
Colbert: "Blind as masturbating bats with glaucoma."

"It's time to get my drink on"

                -Stephen Colbert during the fourth anniversary show.

"We're doing our show from Philadelphia all this week. So, you should, like, watch it."

                                              -off of the TDS site.

"I feel like I'm dragging this show  up a steep heel-hill....and someone and I won't mention who Jon keeps kicking me in the @--!"

                                                                       -Lewis Black

VANCE: you know its like you say you can't make an omelet with out breaking a few legs

JON: actually I think its breaking a few eggs

VANCE: Jon I'm a journalist not a person who makes omelets

VANCE: Jon, do you have cooties?

Jon: I may of had cooties in previous--

VANCE: COOTIE ALERT! COOTIE ALERT! SOMEONE NEEDS THEIR COOTIE SHOT YEAH!!

"Jon please, without television we would three people in a room talking in heavy makeup."

                                                                            -Beth Littleford

"After months of turmoil our long national nightmare is over. Yes....Elian has left the building"

                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"Macys: Where Christmas starts in August"

                                                                            -Jon Stewart

STEVE CARELL: you know Jon, everything has to wrap up in a big tidy little package for you doesn't it? Nice little red bow on top well that just isn't the way life is Jon.

JON: okay.

NANCY WALLS: you know we as Americans tend to view the elderly as having nothing left  to offer. But as creepy as they are that's not true those people are our national treasures. We need to treasure them.

JON: well, it must of been amazing watching him [100 year old pilot] soar though the sky like that.

NANCY: Jon, it scared the s--t outta me.

Jon: Nancy Walls, everybody.

(Vance talking about the big brother house)

JON: how are we getting images from the house's interior?

VANCE: well, in what can only be considered a major tactical error the captures have placed cameras all over the house...there's even a camera in the bathroom....just like at my place, Jon.

"Kathie Lee Prepares To Leave Regis. Viewers wear pink sweatpants at half mast"
                                                                             -Jon Stewart

"When you think 'daily show' think: hospital room"

                                                                            - Lewis Black talking about the dorms the TDS crew had to stay in while in Philly.

"Today's show is a fine one Peter Fonda will be joining us he has a new workout tape that he's selling and uh....oh wait wrong Fonda"

                                                                              -Jon Stewart

JON: Vance...what's a matter?

VANCE: I'm dirty Jon, all I can smell are my pants.

                                                                            -Jon talking to Vance in the 'y2k center'

"Four years: wow. They've gone by so fast my best memory? Its so hard to choose I think my fondest memory of the daily show has to be that time when I was on it."

                                                                        -Miriam Tolan on the anniversary show only after her second appearance on the show.

"one word to describe life on the road? Okay....whoa wait a minute what to you mean I used my one word? 'Okay' was not my word. What do you mean no 'do-overs' ? Fine one word for this?! Bulls--t!"

                                                                      -Vance DeGeneres arguing during the 'campaign trail to the road to the white house: storytellers show'

"....but what about the hats? 50% of all nuns with hello kitty party hats had trouble with the chin strap"

                                                                        -Mo Rocca doing some stats on Allan Keys birthday party.

 

"This year several men want to lead the nation but only one can win the big prize: free burial"

                                                                            -Mo Rocca

"Yesterdays late night talk show appearances by the leading gop candidates were just one way today's politicians can appear human to voters for more on this we turn to daily show chief senior political analyst: Ellen's brother"

                                                                            -Jon Stewart  doing an intro for a Vance DeGeneres segment minutes after Ellen DeGeneres was a guest.

"another question is 'what is your worst habit?' well McCain is a coffee drinker and if you think that's bad gore has a yen for junk food while bush his bad habit is impatience and crack"

                                                                            -Vance DeGeneres

MO: we at the daily show encourage you to take what you learned this last half hour and run for president its easy and its fun and you'll get to meet Allan keys and if you don't run you should at least vote.

VANCE: That's right Mo, sure we all wish we lived in China where you don't have to vote but here in America we owe to ourselves to learn, come involved and then vote because that's what Santa Claus would want.

"This place is awesome! Look at that screen! That must be 40 feet across! Can you imagine seeing a concert here?! There's not a bad seat in the house! This would be the best! Acoustics? [making some popping sound with his mouth] perfect."

                                                                                    -Steve Carell on his reaction to the first union center where the Gop convention was held.

"Jon, one of the words that keep on coming up here is compassion now I was at the '96 convention and the difference here in the atmosphere is tangabable at this convention I'm hearing a lot less of 'hey sweety get your sweet @-- over here' or 'shake that sugar cake shake it, shake it' and 'how much?' there's been none of that."

                                                        -Nancy Walls

JON: Can you say Roberson and Fawell excoriated you?

JON'S THOUGHTS: Excoriate? Is that even a word?

MCCAIN:...Pat Roberson excoriated me several times.........

JON'S THOUGHTS: yes!! [singing] excoriate.....excoriate..... all right home stretch.....sitting senator fabulous interview now knock this last one out of the park Stewart.

JON: Poopie

[The two start laughing...McCain stops but Jon is still rolling ]

JON: Wazzup!!

MCCAIN'S THOUGHTS: Jacka--!

 

JON: we have some breaking news from the convention floor were going to go down to Stephen Colbert right now.....Stephen, are you there?

STEPHEN: Jon, I just found out about a shocking new development

MO: uh...Stephen excuse me for interrupting I have a follow-up on what you were going to say

VANCE: I'm sorry before you go any further I just found out

NANCY: pardon me Vance, but I'm here with  reverend Jerry Fawell and has telling me

STEVE: excuse me Nancy but at  approximately 11:09 eastern standard time [taking off black glasses in Kronkite [I hope I'm getting his name right] fashion] what happened was

STEPHEN: hold on Steve I just found out that the story is dead its not going to happen after all which must come to a great disappointment to one Christine Todd Whitman.

STEVE: that was your idea?

STEPHEN: yes it was Steve and I'm sleeping with your wife

STEVE: that was my idea

                                            -Steve and Colbert talking about how they got the idea for even Stephen on the campaign trail to the road to the Whitehouse storytellers episode

 

COLBERT: Steve stooping to the lowest common demeanor isn't the answer...saying [bleep] or [bleep] can  get all sorts of  attention. Shouldn't we hold our leaders for  a higher standard?  What about campaign finance reform? What about soft money? What about what about school vouchers?

[pause]

STEVE: sorry I faded away for a second...what were you saying about [bleep] and [bleep]?



"He tells you the news but he'd probably prefer  like to tell you 'I like the spicy meat-a-ball!' "

                                     - a snippet from Colbert's ad on Carell during an even Stephen

 

"My name is  Vance DeGeneres and I'm a recovering  Kleptomaniac"

                                                                                -Vance DeGeneres

"At first I was nervous then excited then sad like when you come down from a real exciting moment and that made me nervous by minute three everything was stable"

                                                                                  -Mo Rocca

"When you put a child on top of the car next to your coffee that's a child left behind"

                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"and finally William Jefferson Clinton left the Presidential stage the way he entered it: under the illusion that people still like Fleetwood Mac "

                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"But last nights theme was the slogan 'you ain't seen nothing yet' and Jon the democrats have really delivered on the promise....I've been here three days and I ain't seen nothing yet"

                                                                                    -Mo Rocca

VANCE: Jon did he just call me Nancy?

JON: I think he [Mo] did

VANCE: what do you think he meant by that?

"The only igloo I knew at that age was the one my dad kept his beers in"

                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"politics and wresting they go together like cookies and @--"

                                                                                    -Vance DeGeneres

"here's a picture of Pikachu.. and here's a picture of Pikachu on mars.
it's called photo shop, Jon." 

                                                                                    -Vance DeGeneres

Jon: "I went four years to William and Mary."
Steve Carell: "I'm sure they're both very proud of you."

MO: They're all looking great

STEVE: Really looking great---I'm happy I'm not deciding!

"Voters want to know: is Gary Bauer too small to drive the bus?"

                                                                            -Mo Rocca

"Updating that story my Indecision 2000 jacket is still quite stylish but it has made me a prime target for street hustlers"

                                                                             -Vance DeGeneres

BUS DRIVER: shut up back there!

STEVE CARELL: stick it up your @--!

"Then it hit me the best way to get on a presidential candidates bus is through his wife"

                                                                                -Steve Carell

"That's such a cool idea! lets round up all the poor kids and  put them in one city! We'll call it poor childresnville!"

                                                                                  -Jon Stewart

JON: Vance, did Al Gore accomplish what he needed to accomplish this evening?

VANCE: Gore? I thought that you were going to talk about Joe Liberman?

JON: well...that was last night Vance, tonight is Gore's big night

VANCE: yeah but I was....back to you Jon

JON: Vance, I'm sorry but we need to know is Gore did he show himself to be presidential?

VANCE: I said 'back to you Jon'

JON: did Gore appear confident?

VANCE: [angry sigh]

JON: were the democratic--

VANCE: WHAT PART OF BACK TO YOU DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?! BACK [pointing to back] TO [making a  '2' with his fingers] YOU [pointing]

"Yay.....bad air and water"

                                                                    -Jon Stewart


"Apparently Jews have coat hangers still in their jackets"

                                                                   -Jon Stewart after seeing Nancy's Jewish impersonation

"Everything from our studios was mysteriously stolen and replaced with uh...some lovely Ikea stuff,  so whoever has our old stuff in their dorm room [whispering] we would like to have it back"

                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"If you're thirsty and you love coke you can't help to take your shirt off"

                                                                        -Steve Carell

"Who knew it was poo, did you?"

                                                                         -Vance DeGeneres

"Well, this weekend, George W Bush showed us how wars might start if he is president."          

                                                                            -Jon Stewart

JON: now Vance DeGeneres has been following the debate controversy very close for us, now Vance, I think that you are going to be one of the questionnaires on the panel, now is that not correct Vance?

VANCE: that's right Jon, that's not correct

 

VANCE: only if he wants the debates to be held 'Mexican style'

JON: I'm not sure what that means, Vance

VANCE: That's sans underwear,  good ol fashion freeballing Jon

 

"...Big Brother is offering a $20,000 bribe to anyone interested on leaving the house by being replaced by a new guest...no not smallpox"

                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"So really a person could go through life thinking their a nervous, tense Gemini but they are really a promiscuous Aries"

                                                                            -Stacey Grenrock-Woods

"it could mean that a chance rendezvous with  a lively Libra will make you lucky in love, you actually should be on the lookout for a polka-dotted envelope bearing bad news"

                                                                             -Stacey Grenrock-Woods

"Scooter injuries skyrocket, children folded in half and stuffed in backpacks and carried to hospital"

                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"the commission is suggesting for people to wear the same safety gear made for inline skaters including  a helmet. knee pads. elbow pads, wrist guards and a sign that says I'm mommy's precious little sugar pants' "

                                                                               -Jon Stewart

"And I have to tell you you can really taste the @ss"

                                                                              -Jon while eating a 'cookies and @ss'  cookie


"I happen to be a crossing guard in the mornings and I had forgotten that today was the first day of school but to miss Ferguson's kindergarten class I'm so sorry about 'yall getting run over by that van"

                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"who would of thought that a towns fortunes could be turned around  by a lopsided yellow garlic-looking blob with a huge  green @ss"

                                                                                -Vance DeGeneres

"I haven't felt this much white guilt since Michael Bolton sang 'dock on the bay' !"

                                                                                -Frank DeCaro

"for instance in January of 2000 Bush said and I quote 'rarely is the question asked: is our children learning?'
Is they Jon?"
                                                                                -Mo Rocca

"we'll let our friends be the peacekeepers. the great country called America will be the pacemakers"
JON: so I think he meant peacemakers
MO: no no no in the Bush presidency this country will be a pacemaker the cool scientific device that keeps our world beating just as long as we don't stand too close to a microwave"
                                                                                -Mo Rocca

"Castro speaks to supporters at new York church previously scheduled AA meeting bumped to Thursday--see you then Kenny, be strong"

                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"It's funny because it rhymes"

                                                                                 -Nancy Walls

 

"No show for twelve year olds would be complete with out the obligatory performance by Britney spears"

                                                                                    -Nancy Walls

"What Spears lacked in vocal ability she made up my taking off her clothes"

                                                                                    -Nancy Walls

"the gop accused of suing sublimable advertisings--George W Bush says 'why would we advertise underwater?' "

                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"Two men enter...one man leave...most likely him. cause I have to stay for the next act"

                                                                                     -Jon Stewart on boxer Lenox Lewis coming to TDS

"No word yet if the convoy was trucking through the night. but I ask you, ain't she a beautiful sight? Convoy."

                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"In a related story, the only other person to  have had so many guests sleep over in such a short time, IS YOUR MOTHER!!!! What's up with  that!! Come on, your mother! I am on fire. I probably just pinched a nerve."
                                                                                       -Jon Stewart

"The list of guests  was divided into categories such as  longtime friends and Arkansas friends a division which helped the butler whether or not it was necessary to put silverware on the table---for your mother!....oops....."
                                                                                       -Jon Stewart
" as far as I'm concerned, there's nothing hotter than a woman in a thong and a knee-length sneeze guard"
                                                                                       -Lewis Black

"In a word, they [the Olympics] suck ..they are great if your love suck these Olympics have taken the gold medal in the suck put, and has taken a new record in the 400 meter suck and by the way Jon, did you catch that new event, synchronized sucking?"
                                                                                       -Steve Carell

"Been here a year and ten months and I finally got the timing of that darn song right"
                                                                                      -Jon Stewart

"I once found a finger in my applesauce"
                                                                                      -Jon Stewart

"Although there was one incident after the 100 yard dash, someone shouted out to one of the losers 'my grandmother runs faster than you' but it turned out that his grandmother really did so it was just a statement of fact, Jon"
                                                                                    -Nancy Walls

"Do you dream of puffy red  anuses?"
                                                                                    -Steve Carell

"I have a friend, lets call him 'meve'. He was playing around with some of these hot sauces, and he got them on his fingers and went to the bathroom, he had third degree burns on his doodle-maker. Several months of painful skin graphs later it still had not made it right! He has no feeling down there no sensitivity anymore Jon, no love making that's for sure,  nothing just a twisted grotesque appendage that lies dormant in his pants Jon! Can you even imagine what that's like?! "
                                                                                   -Steve [or meve] Carell

"Bush showed up with his 'working brain' and went a long way to proving to the democratic party that he wasn't retarded"
                                                                                   -Jon Stewart

"You cannot see my funny; I am not ready"
                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"At that point Gore's on-board computer Howell, malfunctioned and the helpless candidate began to monstrously sing 'Daisy' Da-a-a-i-i-s-s-yyyyyyyy---rent the movie"
                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"This mini masterpiece tells us all were gonna die!"
                                                                                     -Nancy Walls

"The summit was held in here in that building right there the one with the TV problems that looks like an old Saturn dealership"
                                                                                         -Jon Stewart

JON: its a wonderful book
JAMIE LEE CURTIS: Where do balloons go?
JON: As far as I know, up drug smugglers behinds?

"Many people consider me a poor mans Hewey Lewis"
                                                                                               

                                                                         -Jon Stewart

"Then there's Hewey Lewis--and the News isn't that good"
                                                                                                      -Frank DeCaro

"If there was a crowd here [and they actually cared] you could cut the tension with  a knife"
                                                                                                      -Vance DeGeneres

"I must warn our more sensitive viewers that the footage you just saw was very graphic"
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  -Vance DeGeneres

"welcome to the 411th Daily show newsletter. I'm Dave and I am glad I'm not posh spice"
                                                                                                   -Dave Blog the newsletter guy.

"That is the first toy to have to register under Megan's law!"
                                                                                              -Lewis Black

"He'll [Gore] will fight for small @sses! "
                                                                                               -Jon Stewart

"Lazio who only had five months to campaign often said the felt like he was the underdog; not because of his popularity, but because he sleeps in a cape and red footie pajamas"
                                                                                                 -Jon Stewart

"Florida attorney general, Bob Butterworth................the generals wife was unable to comment because she was still sitting at the breakfast table with  her cap off.......she's a sweet woman"
                                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

JON: you've been quoting the bush people, but what about the actual elderly people in palm springs?
VANCE: well Jon, they seemed very concerned with me eating, why I haven't settled down and found a nice girl, and one woman said she had a chill, and there must be a draft somewhere

"Benjamin Franklin was flying a kite when he discovered electricity, Mark Koney [I probably botched up this man's name it was kind of  hard to hear]   was watching television when he came up with  the idea for the radio. how did you come up with  this idea?"
                                                                          -Vance DeGeneres

"It's a stunning struggle for democracy, centered on a small group of Florida citizens-- people who get to determine the next presidential administration, but don't have to live through it."
                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"In Washington, the Gores and Lieberman's made another public appearance, this time at an area restaurant. As a sign of solidarity with Florida voters, Gore showed up at 4:00 p.m., demanded his out-of-date coupon be honored, then took a fall in the bathroom."

                                                                                            -Jon Stewart

“Calling our coverage ‘Indecision 2000’ was a bit at first a light-hearted jab, perhaps an attempt at humor. We had no idea that the people were going to run with that.”

                                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"Once again we’re talking about Florida. Might as well pull up a chair… an electric one.”

                                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"A high minority voter turnout helped the Democratic camp in New York, with 90% of African-Americans and 85% of Hispanics voting for Clinton. The first lady lost to Lazio among white voters, many of whom still choose their candidate on the basis of dimples, which among the whites are said to connote an innocent and steadfast nature.”

                                                                                            -Jon Stewart

“Another incredible result came out of Missouri, as Democrat Mel Carnahan defeated John Ashcroft for the U.S. Senate three weeks after Carnahan’s death. No one has ever posthumously won election to the senate, and Republicans have threatened to try and void the election. But Carnahan supporters were quick to point out that creepy twilight area between life and Strom Thurmond.”

                                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"....Pointing out that his [Dick Cheney's] heart was removed ten years ago with that of a baboon; and four years after that with two raccoon hearts taped up with some Legos"
                                                                                  -"Dr." Nancy Walls.

"So moms, that means only 27 more infected meat days until new years."
                                                                                     -Jon Stewart

"Poor women, apparently they just aren't naturally fresh as men"
                                                                                     -Steve Carell

"I don't think that David Boies didn't score any points when he answered O'Connor's questions with  'excuse me miss, the men are talking here' "
                                                                                      -Vance DeGeneres

"Thank you Jon, bring me home, I'm tired of looking at the capital dome!"
                                                                                      -Mo Rocca's chant

"Did he [Gore] concede? What will we do now? Did Monica or O.J do anything today?"
                                                                                        -Jon Stewart

BUSH:I was not elected to serve one party
JON: You we're not elected at all
[crowd boos]
JON [whispers] I hit a nerve.

" 'Tis the season to be jolly--Jolly?! It's hard enough just to be happy! At my happiest, It only takes about four minutes and then I have to take a nap!"
                                                                                                -Lewis Black

"Christmas, my favorite time of year. Decorating the tree, drinking eggnog, being the lonely Jewish guy. It's really fun."
                                                                                                 -Jon Stewart

"The holidays present a dilemma in advertising how can they capitalize on the birth of Christ with out offensive images? To deal with the problem advertisers created Santa Claus...sorry I meant to tell the kids to leave the room right there"
                                                                                              -Steve Carell

"Dear Santa....Jews need love too!"
                                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"Frankly I am a little sickened by how many reporters are covering this story [Madonna's wedding] for more let's go to Mo Rocca"
                                                                                         -Vance DeGeneres

JON: Well, Nancy, Steve its 5am London time, is that store even open?
NANCY: No Jon, we broke in.

"Do we really need to know that the wedding banquet is your choice of Cesar salad or shrimp cocktail? No we don't, but people know that now thanks to me. Just shameful"
                                                                                         -Vance DeGeneres

"Paper snowman.....so hard to make"
                                                                                         -Jon Stewart

"Dude where's my car? just opened, and they're already working on the sequel : oh, there it is"
                                                                          -Jon Stewart


"In January the new Survivor will be opposite Friends--it will be real people undergoing hardships to become celebrities vs. celebrities pretending to undergo hardships to appear real"
                                                                          -Jon Stewart


"The Elderly are training like there's no tomorrow which may be not far from the truth"
                                                                             -Vance DeGeneres

STEPHEN: Oh really Jon? Try telling that to the unmarried bald eagle who has unwanted hatchlings, Jon?
JON: Why would an endangered species not want her offspring?
STEPHEN: That's none of your darn business Jon!

"The Clinton's prepare to move out the Whitehouse--pepper shaker tops loosened....oh yeah"
                                                                     -Jon Stewart

"There's now a place for dogs to cut a rug rather than pee on it"
                                                                       -Vance DeGeneres

"Folks around here don't lock their doors--they deadbolt them"
                                                                         -Stephen Colbert

"I don't like the fact that you can see me but I can't see you!"
                                                                                          -Jon Stewart

"Now, of course whenever we think of monkeys we usually think of dressing them up like hillbillies and making moonshine [Jon laughs A LOT] monkeys don't drink like that!!!"
                                                                                          -Jon Stewart

"....the e-cliner with an airplane like tray to fit a web TV  keyboard for all the both people that own a webtv"
                                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"The theme of tonight's show is persuasive sadness"
                                                                                             -Jon Stewart
"We all know that George W Bush is a simple Texas boy. His pappy named Walker his grand pappy named Prescott. He got his schooling from a one-room school house named Yale."
                                                                             -Jon Stewart

"Now of course we will be bringing 'round the clock inguration coverage by round the clock we mean Monday at eleven."
                                                                                         -Jon Stewart

JON: Nancy, how is it going down there?
NANCY: Just great, why do you ask?

"Hundreds of Thousands flocked to Washington to witness a peaceful transition of power, but according to their attire, it looked like they were heading to see Gallagher."
                                                                      -Jon Stewart

"Bush nervously moved his hand with every syllable. It was the result of several hours rehearsing with his sock puppet 'Helpie' "
                                                                          -Jon Stewart

"He delivered the whole speech with out stopping!.....he really understood what was being said! This ignuration was special..much like some Olympics are special. It doesn't matter if Georgie wrote that speech, what is that he participated and he did his best and for that he deserves a medal and a hug!"
                                                                        -Nancy Walls.
"You know, I worry about her [Julia Roberts]. Side note, Roberts came with  her beau Benjamin Bratt and the sun, which shines only for her"
                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"Among the methods used to contain the oil was buckets and nets. Equally effective was this one: 'Hey, oil, get back here. Get in the boat! I love you!"
                                                                           -Jon Stewart

"I'm 38 years old. This is a terrible ecological disaster. All I can think about is how funny the word 'boobie' sounds. Boobie. Titmouse. Ah! Titmouse! Ah! Boobie!
                                                                            -Jon Stewart thinking out aloud about birds and an oil spill.

"Three weeks was one heck of a long time living in a trailer park....without it being torn up by a tornado"
                                                                             -Vance DeGeneres.

"The two were found at a Holiday Inn where their late night trips to the ice machine was not undetected. No one needs their Mr. Pibb that cold"
                                                                                -Stephen Colbert

"Bush says 'that's me in the corner, funding my religion"
                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"If you were like me, you spent the remainder of the time after the super bowl rubbing a chili stain off of your sweater..."
                                                                             -Jon Stewart

"U.S shows signs of recession. Goodbye Godiva, Hello Russel Stover!"
                                                                                          -Jon Stewart

"Mad cow hits states....Finally!"
                                                                          -Jon Stewart

"You can't hold a real protest with a table cloth! You might as well hold a bake sale!"
                                                                               -Lewis Black

"Nothing says social conscience like 'check out my rack' "
                                                                       -Lewis Black

"Pretty impressive since scientists have been trying for generations to make hollow girls on scooters"
                                                                       -Jon Stewart

"Bob and Susie died beside water and broken glass...how did they die? They're fish"
                                                                              -Steve Carell

"Among the ones outraged, included model Marcus Shakenburg, who was so stunned he stormed out after the show began, turned twice, put his hands on his hips, and then turned and stormed again"
                                                                             -Jon Stewart

"Tom Hanks: A man genetically programmed to win academy awards"
                                                                         -Jon Stewart

"KKK adopts a highway. Joke's on them - it's black."
                                                                         -Jon Stewart

VANCE: Well, Jon, it should be one of Hollywood's brightest days, but a dark cloud is hanging over like, and I'll be blunt, a dark cloud. You know hoe the rumor mill will be, so I'll be discreet. One of Hollywood's Far and Away couples is going through some Days of Thunder. I'm talking about a power couple who cruised to tinsel town success, and I don't kid, man. I mean, Jon, we know that a show biz relationship can be risky business, and you have to have your eyes wide shut not to see that. I mean even a guy named Jerry McGuire might agree with me that cocktails, flirting,...mission impossible 2...."
JON: You're talking about Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman's breakup.
VANCE: Whoa, easy there tiger with the naming of names and all. I could be talking about anyone.
JON: O.K. Vance.
VANCE: Absolutely classless.

"I hate Valentines day"
                                                                              -Mo Rocca

" I mean how 'bout calling it [Clinton's 11th hour pardon case] Fiengold? I'll [Russ Fiengold] star in it. I'll introduce every segment, maybe have all my crazy friends, like Orrin Hatch you know? Hello, Hatch!"
                                                                              -Jon Stewart.

Reasons why Jon wasn't in the studio Feb 20th -Feb 28th 2001:
"Getting his grammy on"
      -Stephen Colbert
"Jon Stewart is in the bathroom" 
      -Nancy Walls.
"Jon Stewart is in L.A--me and his mother are worried sick"
      -Stephen Colbert
"did something very very naughty and is being punished"
      -Vance DeGeneres.


"A pharmasit is not the 'pill guy' "
                                                                      -Stephen Colbert

"I'm a clean teen"
                                                                        -Mo Rocca

"If you work of Lucent, AOL Time Warner, or CNN, you may want to bring a cardboard box to work with you today"
                                                                         -Jon Stewart

"Popular music Omnibus. It's not your fathers popular music Omnibus"
                                                                          -Nancy Walls

"Gadzooks we're humorous!"
                                                                                           -Jon Stewart's pre-show warm-up.

"Wow, that was the most dreamiest, gayest anthem ever!"
                                                                                          -Jon Stewart

"This movie was so good that nobody watched it!"
                                                                                          -Frank DeCaro
"I hated Notting Hill, but is that going to keep me from talking back to the clips? No!!"
                                                                                          -Frank DeCaro.

"Tonight's show is interactive. You can pick the ending. You can pick for me to eat a sandwich or to get a job as a nurse practitioner"
                                                                                             -Jon Stewart

"Feel my sting! Feel my sting!"
                                                                                          -"Lord Viper Scorpion

"Record stores has a plentiful source of tunes and almost any song can be downloaded into your jacket pocket."
                                                                                          -Nancy Walls

"We have to get the daily show chopper out there (pauses as though talking to someone backstage) It costs that much?! Can we send an intern?"
                                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"Don't look for the show to make sense tonight because it won't."
                                                                                             -Jon Stewart

"It's Thursday, and that can only mean one thing at The Daily Show: it's time for our weekly bird diaper update!"
                                                                                             -Jon Stewart

"You know when your patenting a poop pouch, who's really in the cage?"
                                                                                             -Jon Stewart.
Submitted by: Missy:
"nothing instills consumer confidence like a German with a bad mustache talking about war"                                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"It was the first round of blackouts for southern California because any threat to that is adverted by Julia Robert's mega-watt smile into the power grid"
                                                                                                     -Jon Stewart

"I still look very disgusting naked"
                                                                      -Steve Carell
"I am a fat ugly person"
                                                                      -Steve Carell
" I needed a surgeon with a tan...a tan you can trust"
                                                                        -Steve Carell

MO: could this be the end of the world as we know it?
SCIENTIST: Yes
MO:The end of the world as we know it?
SCIENTIST: mmm-hmm
MO:And you feel fine..do you feel fine?

Mo's thoughts:
"Oh, another attach an rocket to an asteroid plan, I wonder why scientists always wear corduroy shirts? Is that burgondary or scarlet? Is that corduroy or brushed twill?"

""I have a helpful tip for people at home: Lip Balm. I cannot stress it enough"
                                                              -Mo Rocca

"Some shows on TV are hits. Others are just on TV"
                                                               -Andy Kindler,"TV Guy"

"Hey, whatever happened to the good old days where they just seized animals to put lipstick in their eyeballs?
                                                               -Steve Carell
"We can see that American children are storing bananas in their rooms"
                                                               -Mo Rocca
"American Chidden are also keeping Hamburgers in their rooms, which would not be that disturbing if they were not as big as basketballs"
                                                                      -Mo Rocca

Vance DeGeneres in a car:
"Luke air force base, outside of Phoenix Arizona. Let's see what we get..[pause] its a red light"

STEVE:Since you filed that story a year ago, has there been any developments?
VANCE:Um...plenty. The country has a new president. The Baltimore Ravens shocked the sports world by winning the superbowl. Plucky new-comer Julia Roberts was just an oscar hopeful with a million dollar smile
STEVE:Vance, I meant with this story.

"My next guest starred with Stephen Colbert in the Comedy Central show Strangers with Candy. Which critics nailed as extremely cancelled"
                                                                            -Stephen Colbert

"If you want to find your ideal mate you have to wait SEVERAL days"
                                                                        -Steve Carell making fun of the UPN show "Chains of Love"

"I didn't know that the secret service was a bunch of old white ladies"
                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"Selling software is a good business. Selling the big mouth Billy bass is a great one"
                                                                                    -Jon Stewart
"Nancy Walls: Founder, pregnant citizens for the first amendment"
                                                                                    -Jon  Stewart

"Weekend auto race cancelled due to excessive speed. I feel the need...the need for automotive caution"
                                                                                   -Jon Stewart
"War (pphhth) what is it good for? Well, if you're like most people you would think absolutely nothing"
                                                                                    -Steve Carell

"...adding now let us all go indoor, have the waiter give us beverage and plate of appetizer."
                                                    -Steve Carell making fun of the president
"First they came for the cows, I did nothing, then they came for the sheep, I did nothing, then they came for me"
                                                        -Steve Carell
"Last time I asked you and showed you how to do your own pelvic exam. You did. Thank you for your photos"
                                                        -Vance DeGeneres
"You have to look at foreign counties the same way you look at women. You must assume they are all out to destroy you."
                                                                             -Vance DeGeneres

"I'm sorry!! I'm still on the Lysol thing!"
                                                                                  -Steve Carell
"I'm Jon Stewart and I'm an autumn."
                                                                                   -Jon Stewart

"I think I see Jimmy Buffet passed out on your shirt!" 
                                                                                   -Jon Stewart to guest Sammy Hagar

"This is the future OLD MAN!!"
                                                                                       -Stephen Colbert

"I still can't touch a cigar or wear a blue dress"
                                                                                               -Lewis Black
"MY attention deficit disorder has attention deficit disorder!"
                                                                                               -Lewis Black

"Mmm...gravy...there must be a potato tube somewhere"
                                                                                       -Mo Rocca

"I smell man butt"
                                                                               -Jon Stewart

"It wouldn't be Oscar night if Tom Hanks wasn't nominated for something!"
                                                                                  -Frank DeCaro

"Let's hear from a blubber lover..."
                                                                                           -Jon Stewart

"Our next pale nominee"
                                                                           -Frank DeCaro

"Can the Midwest get any whiter?"
                                                                             -Jon Stewart

"I want to see musicals and have tea parties all day!"
                                                                              -Jon Stewart

"Never eat anything that can eat you back!"
                                                                                  -Lewis Black

"The main street assassins at Wal-Mart..."
                                                                                  -Jon Stewart

"The monkeys in the laundry room miss you very much"
                                                                                  -Denny Seigal

"The Miami Herald...now in English...."
                                                                              -Jon Stewart

"Coming up, Inspector Gadget's wife" [Sarah Jessica Parker]
                                                                                    -Vance DeGeneres

"...Nations so mean, they would shoot a man for snoring...I added that last part myself"
                                                                                 -Vance DeGeneres

"It's the kind of bag that says 'that nation is going places"
                                                                               -Vance DeGeneres

"...in this particular commercial from 19...uh....whenever Paula Abdul was popular...."

                                                                                -Steve Carell

"We must be the only country on the earth that honors its war dead by taking the car and driving until one of the kids throw up"

                                                                                -Lewis Black

COLBERT: My hearts on fire too, you guys (the singing senators)

JON: Too bad your lighter isn't

COLBERT: Won't you shut up!

"I'm turning you off officer fuzz!"

                                                                                   -Stephen Colbert

"The last time I heard dialogue like that was on Walton Mountain"

                                                                                -Frank DeCaro

"NASDAQ stands for North American.....DAQ"

                                                                                -Mo Rocca

MO: NASDAQ is the hip place to go....

STEVE: Bankrupt

"That's Stone Cold Tom Brokaw"

                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"Those guys kill me...not literally... yet"

                                                                        -Stephen Colbert in Afghanistan.

"Look around America, the signs of economic collapse is everywhere...this Gap behind me recently closed down, no wait, it didn't, maybe it was (pointing) that one. That's a baby gap, there's a kids gap, and there's a mega gap. I love the gap"

                                                                             -Stephen Colbert

"Yummy Yummy Yummy I got white makeup on my tummy"

                                                                            -"Lord Viper Scorpion"

"Andrew Ramsbottom...yes, that's his real name"

                                                                               -Mo Rocca

"No one was more distraught about this than guy on bench"

                                                                            -Steve Carell

"I want to put a bullet in my head, but I'm for gun control!"

                                                                            -Lewis Black

"Some people have a fear of god, some of clowns. Well, after today, I have both."

                                                                            -Stephen Colbert

"Amtrak: There choice for people who either hate planes or think that people on buses are more degenerate"

                                                                              -Stephen Colbert

"Will the bullet train have as much speed as its engineers?"

                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"Please remember to drive safely [Vance] and remember to take your hand out of your ear"

                                                                                  -Jon Stewart

"A four hour Oscar telecast and I lost the office pool after four minutes"

                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"I may of come from New York, but I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday,"

                                                                        -Vance DeGeneres

"Nice spy plane...for me to SNOOP ON!"

                                                                        -Stephen Colbert

"Make up makes me sneeze"

                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"Back to you Jon, my favorite controlled substance"

                                                                           -Frank DeCaro

STEVE: Can I interrupt here for a second?

JON: yes, Steve

STEVE: I just wanted to interrupt. 

."Children are weak. Let's hit them with cars"

                                                            -Nancy Walls

"Man, these things [solar powered cars] are so ugly they are powered by humiliation"

                                                                                     -Lewis Black.

"Do it how do I?"

                                                                                    -Steve Carell

"We wouldn't have kids doing the crippled chicken if it wasn't for [Trent] Lott!"

                                                                        -Stephen Colbert

"Critics were very divided in terms of how they felt about [Pearl Harbor] some critics hated it, and some critics HHHHAAAATTTTEEEEDDD it."

                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"He wants to eat you, and he didn't use 1-800-Collect."

                                                                        -Frank DeCaro. 

"The programmers who cracked the Code Red virus say they named it Code Red because they were drinking the beverage with that name when they discovered it. Other possible names based on the groups activities during their research include the Ring Ding virus, the Stratego virus, and Juggs: a virus for men." 

                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"If there was on-going traffic in this studio, I'd drive right into it!
                                                                    -Lewis Black.

"Remember last winter, when it was cold, and you were all, like, "Man, it's cold. I sure wish it were hotter." Well, how do you feel now, stupid a$$?!?"

                                                                    -Jon Stewart.

"I'm not a big fan of people dying."

                                                                    -Steve Carell

"But what will you do about the midnight dumpers?!"

                                                                       -Jon Stewart

"You don't hear that often: Toots"

                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"Scientists brought out their bolo ties yesterday..."

                                                                          -Jon Stewart

"Hope you enjoyed the firework"

                                                                            -Nancy Walls.

"Italian scientist says that he will clone a human being, then he will take it to Olive Garden where it will be treated like family."

                                                                              -Jon Stewart

"Word on the street says that she killed a man with her sunglasses."

                                                                            -Lauren Weedman.

"We ran out of suns so we had to use rain clouds."

                                                                            -Matt Walsh.

"That is a burning caldron of urine."

                                                                             -Steve Carell.

"You must remember to hydrate."

                                                                            -Steve Carell.

"I never thought I'd say this, but you're ruining the Archies"

                                                                            -Lewis Black.

"What a terrible time to buy a chocolate hammock"

                                                                              -Jon Stewart.

"We're attacking Iraq with a jack-in-the-box character."

                                                                            -Jon Stewart referring to a drawing.

"How retarded is Passions?!"

                                                                            -Nancy Walls.

"Yeah, like Dennis Miller is doing a phone ad."

                                                                            -Steve Carell

"...Lazio, who looks like he has the best fake id...ever!"

                                                                           -Jon Stewart

"Where did Monica learn how to make handbags? Camp David?!"

                                                                           -Lewis Black

"And now...the next president of New Hampshire."

                                                                        -Jon Stewart

COLBERT: Shut up! Shut up!

STEVE: [plugging ears] puppy dogs and ice cream! Puppy dogs and ice cream!

"You look c-span-tastic."

                                                        -Mo Rocca

"The man was a failure until he was 40 years old. That's not good on your résumé if you want to be president."

                                                                              -Lewis Black

"These people make me so angry I want to lactate!"

                                                                               -Lewis Black

"The furniture is gone, and so are the fingers."

                                                                                -Nancy Walls

"Use the word 'scoop' its more newsy"

                                                                    -Stephen Colbert

"Sometime public school is not a good option if you're an upper middle class white family"

                                                                                -Steve Carell

"Honey! It's diversity! They brought our pizza!"

                                                                        -Steve Carell

"There you have it. The non-robot vs. the non-retard."

                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"I met this man a few minutes ago and god am I depressed!"

                                                                    -Stephen Colbert

"You know a country is poor when they have to use humans for hats."

                                                                    -Lewis Black

"Harry Potter knock-off costume pulled off shelves...looks like I have to be a hobo again this year."

                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"They'll never be popular if they keep eating food."

                                                                    -Steve Carell

"Plus its easier to vomit than solid food."

                                                                    -Steve Carell

"We can help keep Steve stone warm."

                                                                     -Steve Carell

"They got Bob Ball. Bush is toast! You can't mess with Bob Ball!"

                                                                    -Jon Stewart.

"I'm sure these pants were tasty in March 1978."

                                                                       -Mo Rocca

"I think I saw that saying knitted on my dyslexic grandmother's pillow."

                                                                    -Jon Stewart

STEVE: Vance, new investors are idiots

VANCE: exactly

"What you just heard why your ears are slowly filling up with blood is 'man in motion' from St. Elmo's fire . Campaign poison."

                                                                -Stephen Colbert

"Country's redder, map don't lie."

                                                                -Steve Carell at the Election big board map.

"If he doesn't win, his mother says that she will stop loving him."    

                                                            -Mo Rocca

"...and they drink the fancy store bought liquor."

                                                        -Steve Carell

"How'd they let those ninkampoops [sp?] on cable?"

                                                            -Jon Stewart

"We are living in a freak zone!"

                                                            -Jon Stewart

"Pets.com will be buried outside in an awkward ceremony by the air conditioning."

                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"No change, the boil remains."

                                                                -Jon Stewart

"It's vacation: you don't read newspapers."

                                                               -Nancy Walls

"And no, we don't know why they are attacking the Partridge family."

                                                                -Lewis Black,

"That's the whistle, that means its time for the field piece"

                                                                -Jon Stewart

"The on-lookers could only look on."

                                                                -Vance DeGeneres

"Jon, please refer to me as president elect Carell. I'm assuming the presidency."

                                                            -Steve Carell

"Look at this tie, its red. That says president."

                                                            -Steve Carell

"Jon, its a cruise and it has boobs on it."

                                                        -"Lord Viper Scorpion"

"The acting is great--if you miss vaudeville."

                                                        -Andy Kindler,"TV Guy"

"That's in Canada where the whole election lasts a day."

                                                        -Jon Stewart.

"Who's not scared of blood? How 'bout people who work at blood banks?"

                                                    -Andy Kindler,"TV Guy"

"I think all jokes should begin with 'when I was pregnant with twins' "

                                                     -Andy Kindler,"TV Guy"

"Remember when that was funny a couple of nights ago?"

                                                -Jon Stewart

"Hey, kids do you like Popsicles with beards?"

                                                -Jon Stewart

"Fife don't lie!"

                                            -Steve Carell

"That's the last time I let Jim Carrey use my palm pilot."

                                            -Frank DeCaro.

"Eggnog is flammable."

                                        -Jon Stewart

"If we had another day to work on that, it would make sense."

                                                -Jon Stewart

"I am a loser but if I was told to get my electors in by December by 12th I would."

                                                                -Jon Stewart

"That guy's a dumb brownie."

                                                -Jon Stewart

"I'm not asking for me, but for a friend: do you make conedoms for kiddie cones?"

                    -Vance DeGeneres asking a question about the conedom ice cream protection system.

"No protection, no confection."

                                                                       -Vance DeGeneres

JON: That was a good piece, Steve

STEVE: Really, you think so?

JON: Not really.

"We already know that Batman is counting ballots."

                                                    -Stephen Colbert

"There's no such thing as Easter carols."

                                                       -Jon Stewart

"The key word in Panda Bear is Bear."

                                                    -Jon Stewart

"This year the anthem will be sung, nay interpreted by the Backstreet Boys, who have added 134 extra notes which will be pointed out to you while they are singing to you."

                                                                -Jon Stewart

"They tore off the 'w's' on the keyboards so if you get a 'elfare' check, you'll know why."

                                                                   -Lewis Black

"201B? Is that where we are as a nation?"

                                                                    -Jon Stewart.

"When you think of presidents day, you think of two words: 'Grover' and 'Cleveland' ." 

                                                                -Mo Rocca

"She [Julia Roberts] can actually un-hinge her jaw and eat an ostrich egg."

                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"You don't watch that much UPN do you?"

                                                        -Steve Carell

"Yes, Anthrax continues to pop up in more and more places around New York, with new cases appearing in the offices of Governor George Pataki and at CBS News. Like most things New York, you folks in the Midwest will hop onto this trend in a year or two long after we've grown bored with it. Have fun."

                                                                    -Jon Stewart

NANCY: Does he [Bandit the overweight raccoon] like triscuts?

BANDIT'S OWNER: No.

NANCY:  I like the triscuts.

"He makes my heart go beep!"

                                -Jon Stewart

"If you have Tivo, please record The Sopranos for me."
                                                    -Jon Stewart

"We have an update on the shark thing. If we talk about it one more time we will get cancelled."

                                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"He bags groceries. That's the basis of all our jokes."

                                            -Jon Stewart

"Jon, what do you have against thirteen-year-olds?"

                                            -Stephen Colbert

"Can I get on television? I'm wearing orange!"

                                        -Jon Stewart talking about an audience member.

"When he threw his head back like that, he looked like a Furby."

                                                    -Jon Stewart

"I take funny pills with iodine."    

                        -Jon Stewart

"Frank DeCaro takes us to this dull new world."

                                        -Jon Steawart

"Yet another movie about a video game that I've never heard of, never played, and never will."

                                                                                        -Frank DeCaro

"Back to you Jon, my clickable icon."

                                -Frank DeCaro

"Bono, why don't you mail that to the care of the streets have no name."

                                                                -Jon Stewart

"When in doubt, yell Tito."

                        -Jon Stewart

"Peer Pressure...it's what made us buy the Don Johnson album 'heartbeat'."

                                                                -Jon Stewart

"Is the altitude getting to you, Jon? Sitting on all those phone books?"

                                                            -Steve Carell

"Oh, Weedie M, [Lauren Weedman] get off my hook!"

                                                        -Matt Walsh.

"As always, the big losers are tobacco and Steve Carell."

                                                        -Miriam Tolan

"...believes 'thou shall not get jiggy'."

                                    -Steve Carell

"Welcome back to the phoning-it-in-show, I mean, The Daily Show."

                                                        -Jon Stewart

"Does this tie come in shame?"

                        -Jon Stewart

"What about the economy's feelings?"

                            -Steve Carell

"Did somebody scam McDonald's?"

                                    -Jon Stewart

"Why, everybody loves coal, even these dead guys."

                                            -Matt Walsh

"Learn from the mistake of others, for the love of god, please do."

                                                    -Stephen Colbert

"Listening to this guy is like waiting for sun tea to brew."

                                                            -Jon Stewart

"Boy, they sure are scaring the pee out of us now."

                                                -Jon Stewart

"I found it [his mask] in my parents 'grown-ups only' closet."    

                                            -"Lord Viper Scorpion"

"Hard to feel your sting while you're adjusting your mask, Lord Viper."

                                                        -Jon Stewart

"There is a magical place next to us: Canada."

                                                -Jon Stewart

"I give Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone five white flags! I surrender!"

                                                                        -Steve Carell

"I'll be in cute boy heaven!"

                                -Jon Stewart

"How was your weekend? Mind was good until the uh...war started. I was eating an egg sandwich, getting ready for the Giant's game, turned on the TV and it was uh...war."

                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"But Columbus day wasn't all about Crabcakes and piggy back rides."

                                                                        -Mo Rocca

"What a weekend. As if working in a mail room didn't suck enough anyway."

                                                                           -Jon Stewart

"Have you ever seen sea cucumbers mate? There's a no remedy to get that out of your mind, Jon!"

                                                                                          -Matt Walsh.

"I'm on the same cycle as my wife."

                                        -Jon Stewart

"Woah! Woah! I am nobody's dude!"

                            -Jon Stewart

"Look-it, nows we gots peanut butter on our hands. That's a nightmare."

                                                                 -Matt Walsh

"Think of a number between 1 and 10, but don't tell me. Is it Anthrax? Bet it is. Thanks to five days of our coverage, anthrax is all everybody can think of..."

                                                            -Jon Stewart

"If you could see your face when you thought you had anthrax."

                                                                -Jon Stewart

"Stop clapping your hands. You're stirring  up molecules."

                                                        -Jon Stewart

"Kids love weather jokes."

                        -Jon Stewart

"Facial hair jokes do not get 'wooed',"

                                -Jon Stewart

"Santa will only accept e-mails now."

                                    -Jon Stewart

JON [to Steve Carell]: I thought that you just said you were Irish.

STEVE: Carell? What kind of Irish name is that?

"This could be Richard Gere's worst Autumn in New York than well, Autumn in New York ".

                                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"Honestly, I hope this charity is called 'Give matt his five hours back'. "

                                                                -Matt Walsh

"Let's take a look at a song that you'll hear once, and never again."

                                                                -Jon Stewart

"Lemmie get this straight, Jon, members of congress have been reduced to singing back-up for80's novelty rap artist MC Hammer on the steps of The Capitol? The terrorists  have already won."

                                                                                        -Stephen Colbert

"When you rationalize upon a star...."

                                    -Jon Stewart

"I'm watching CNN...and you know, the ticker...and this is what the ticker said: ' Talaban says it will arm townspeople, and new round of bombing, in Kandalhar,' and the third thing was 'California Raisins coming back to television."

                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"Hey, Mr. President! Steven Sagal called! He wants his jacket back!"

                                                            -Jon Stewart

"A problem with making fun of that jacket is a half hour later you want to make fun of it again."

                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"You can't really know a country until you stepped on it."

                                                        -Nancy Walls

"When you look at these letters you can immediately tell that these letters were not written by a little girl."

                                                                            -Mo Rocca

"I know we're only two people, but is it possible to give a movie 5 thumbs up?"

                                                                                        -Nancy Walls

"Highest alert means you cannot get anymore alert."

                                    -Stephen Colbert

"Not only is it going to be the scariest Halloween ever, its going to be the scariest Thanksgiving and the scariest Christmas!"

                                                                    -Stephen Colbert

"Apparently, white powder delivered by shady street people isn't selling like it used to."

                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"Cities don't harvest anything!"

                            -Lewis Black

"Can someone explain to me why a pumpkin when you cut it open smells like crap, yet it can make a tasty pie?"

                                                                -Lewis Black

"Now excuse me, this American has to put a flaming bag of poo on someone's porch."

                                                                -Jon Stewart

"For safety's sake, most parents replaced candy that their kids got for trick or treating with candy that they inspected. So, in most households, parents got to hear their kids say the phrase 'total bull s--t for the very first time."

                                                                    -Jon Stewart

STEVE: I want to know if you have a story.

Mc DONALD'S EMPLOYEE: I don't have a story, I work here for chrissake.

"You've never been on a cable show before have you? Everything's made out of basal wood and toliet paper."
                                                        -Jon Stewart

"Don't pitch your film while I'm talking about Felicity ."

                                                            -Jon Stewart

"Are they afraid that I'm going to refresh someone to death?"

                                                -Steve Carell

"You laugh at different times because you're reading different things."

                                                -Jon Stewart

"Houston, we have a pompadour."

                -Frank DeCaro

"We all learned something...its better to wait until the movie comes out on video."

                                                                -Frank DeCaro

"I actually, last year, got herpes from watching it [Temptation Island]"

                                                            -Jon Stewart

"Jon, I've been spending the past six weeks memorizing the difference between Turk-crap-a-stan nd U-stupid-stan, and you're asking me how the soccer moms did in the turtle races in New Jersey, and I look like an @$$ out here!"

                                                                -Steve Carell

"Vote Schundler: it would be neat for him if you lost your job."

                                                        -Jon Stewart

"I'm one hairy freak."

                -Jon Stewart

"Really? Flying back time? Does the fly fast enough to take us back to September 10th?"

                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"It's his first new album in six new noses."

                                    -Jon Stewart

"He's translucent! You can see right though him to the Dido poster in the superstore!"

                                                                    -Matt Walsh

"I'm Steve Carell... now more than ever."

                                -Steve Carell

"I can't watch the news anymore. I want to stop it."
                                        -Jon Stewart

"Remember, when you get an Oscar, you cannot get it taken away from you."

                                                                -Jon Stewart

"Of course by annual, that means the only time you'll ever see it."

                                                    -Jon Stewart

"Those colors don't run, even when you hose them down!"

                                            -Jon Stewart

"There's nothing more than we need than $50.00 gray T-shirts."

                                                -Jon Stewart

"We are all decedents of Bea Arthur."

                                            -Jon Stewart

"The last time they turned on their TV's Suddenly Susan was a top ten hit."

                                                                -Lauren Weedman

JON: By the way, I didn't know you had a PHD, Matt.

MATT WALSH: I don't, that's my Dee-jay name.

"The book your friends pressured you into reading has become the movie Time Warner is pressuring you to watch."

                                                                                            -Frank DeCaro

"And what kid doesn't like a franchise."

                                    -Frank DeCaro

"Take my remote, Jon, I'm watching PAX TV from now on."

                                                        -Lewis Black

"Don't eat it! It's an oil painting...it could kill you."
                                            -Steve Carell (voiceover)

"The future's so bright you gotta wear shades....because of the explosions."

                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"Treating human's illness'? What kind of doctor are you?"
                                                            -Jon Stewart

"If anyone knows of the whereabouts of poo-poo please contact the show."

                                                                -Matt Walsh

"Our legal department has informed me that Matt Walsh does not have poo-poo in his pants."

                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"I found out, I was watching Entrainment Tonight, and I found out that today is my birthday."

                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"Now, on the outside it doesn't look like that much, and on the inside it really doesn't look like that much."

                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"Without animated movies, kids wouldn't know what toys to want for Christmas."

                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"Slower is certainly the illusion of safer."
                                                -Lewis Black

"Charles Gibson declared it [The Segway] cool, but keep in mind he still has the dancing baby form Ally McBeal as a screensaver."

                                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"How can they be sexy if they don't think they are not sexy? That's not sexy! How dare they! I've never seen that one guy! I don't even know who I am anymore!"

                                                                                -Steve Carell

"In which the children responded, 'Television, can we eat it?'."

                                                        -Jon Stewart

"All the taxis in Kabul are driven by guys named Kevin."

                                                    -Jon Stewart

"That's Leiman Brothers. Taking a stab in the dark with  your money since 1820."

                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"I'm going to send that dog 80 cents a day!"

                                    -Steve Carell

"For the little girl who likes to go to bed Angry!"

                                        -Lewis Black

"You couldn't be more wronger if you tried to be more wronger."

                                                -Vance DeGeneres

"If at first it succeeds, eh, try again."

                                -Frank DeCaro.

"Don't re-make good movies, re-make bad ones."

                                            -Frank De Caro.

"I didn't even celebrate my divorce for this long!"

                                        -Lewis Black

"Interesting fact, in Australia a father's hopes go down the toilet clockwise instead of counter clockwise as they do here."

                                                                -Jon Stewart

"We can only hope that they cone the cool managers. Like the ones that get high and let you take off on Fridays. Not the d---k managers. The ones who have horrible marriages, and tell you 'hey, Walsh, no personal calls at work, ok?'. Ok Chuck! Give me a break! I frickin' hate you! I was calling my mom for a ride home!"

                                                                        -Matt Walsh

TRACEY ULLMAN: You're so legit, now.

JON STEWART: What am I now? MC Hammer?

"No one in the stands would throw a bottle, but all of them would."

                                                        -Stephen Colbert

"What's wrong? Is Blimpie franchise reporting beneath you?"

                                                        -Steve Carell

"Even Comedy Central realizes it can't be funny 24 hours a day... that's why there's Battlebots and that bowling thing!"

                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"MSNBC had so much time they were showing hits from the Persian Gulf War!"

                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"Tragically, moments after, the tiny boat ran aground on his shoulder, and claimed his face for France."

                                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"How am I supposed to know what benefit CD to buy?!"

                                                -Lewis Black

"Often times on getaway day, your pens break."

                                    -Jon Stewart

"Coffee Table books with huge horrible images are popular this year."

                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"Welcome to my home-like set."

                                  -Steve Carell

"I'll take Santa [played by Whoopi Goldberg] to block!"

                                            -Steve Carell

"Lord of the Rings: A three hour movie about returning bad jewelry!"

                                                -Frank DeCaro


"This is one year [2001] I'm happy to see go."

                                        -Jon Stewart

"We only have a minute left... does anybody want to cry?"

                                                    -Stephen Colbert

"What's so good about being in a political party? Snacks?"

                                                            -Jon Stewart

"Professional wrestling and politics, they go together like cookies and @$$."

                                                                            -Vance DeGeneres

"I have not felt dry in days."

                                -Jon Stewart

"They have mechanical pencils...they have not lead?"    

                                        -Jon Stewart

"...America...shiny things good."

                            -Vance DeGeneres

"I can promise you this. This was the first time Republicans heard Jon Secada's music when it was not blaring out of their gardener's truck."

                                                                                                -Lewis Black

"....Draw a hot bath, take the TV in wit you. Drag the TV in the bath with you in it. Now, on to LA...I'm running the water as I speak."

                                                                                -Lewis Black

"Budweiser plus too much time on your hands equals elephant balloon hats."

                                                                        -Nancy Walls

"Hurry, hurry, go cover the sports caster that wears panties!"

                                                                -Craig Kilborn

"If the panties don't fit, you must acquit."

                                    -Beth Littleford

"Thanks for asking a good question...yall are finally starting to think."

                                                                        -Craig Kilborn

"When people with bloody gums are getting laid, there's hope."
                                                                    -Lizz Winstead

"Are there any American actors that can fill the shoes of Alan Thicke?"
                                                                        -A. Whitney Brown

"They should call it 'who wants to be raped by a broomstick?' "

                                                    -Lewis Black 

 

"Who will cut the ribbon at Seattle's new Krispy Kreme? Who will cut the ribbon?"

                                                                    -Vance DeGeneres

"Every day I go to the airport to visit my dad who works at the Orange Julius down there..."

                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"My hair is distracting me! I have half a head and hair!"

                                                -Jon Stewart

"The most shocking part of this quote, this man has a live-in-girlfriend."

                                                                -Jon Stewart

"You tell me, who do you want working at the departure gate at O'Hare? I don't want any 'poofs there."
                                                                                        -Mo Rocca

"What did I do on New Years? I dressed up in a ballerina suit and did Jell-O shots."

                                                                                -Lewis Black

"Kashmir...for Americans it was the first song you heard when you made a bong out of a 7up can."

                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"That's mumble talk for 'I went inside'."

                                    -Mary Birdsong

"The sad thing with a 90% approval rate, he can do anything and not look like a jack @$$."

                                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"In the last six months the United States has produced more resumes than any other country in the world."
                                                                                     -Jon Stewart

"What kind of person reads their jokes off of a [Jon pauses and gestures for the teleprompter to speed up] that was headlines."

                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"We tried to contact Marie this morning, and sadly, she's still alive."

                                                                         -Mo Rocca

"Ahh...music above my shattered, bleeding ears."

                                            -Steve Carell.

"You are the Salvation Army of audiences."

                                -Jon Stewart

"This led to the infamous battle known as Poopy-pants."

                                                    -Mo Rocca

"It's eleven-ten my time, ten after eleven your time."

                                                -Stephen Colbert

"If Mo Rocca was anywhere near CNN, his trousers would be buried in the most historic poop-a-lance that ever came roaring down the slopes of mount tighty-whitey."

                                                                    -Stephen Colbert

"K-mart is now worth very little. So little in fact it self is on sale at K-mart."

                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"Matt Walsh exceeded our regular travel budget and flew to the UK."

                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"And look at that stubble. I guess on The Chamber they have casual Fridays."

                                                                    -Lewis Black

"On the topic of poorly ran Texas companies... have you heard of one named Enron?"

                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"I guess someone hasn't been invited to Enron's infamous ticker tape birthday parties."

                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"Finally, a politician who's supposed to have a seventeen-year-old girlfriend."

                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"Can I get a ride back to the audience?"

                                    -Dave Attell

"Anthrax...yeah...I haven't said that in a while. Brings back good memories. Raking leaves, worrying about....anthrax."

                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"Did yall just come from clappy town?"

                                -Jon Stewart

"Satellite technology...it prevents rich people from getting lost while they're on vacation."

                                                                                    -Stacey Grenrock-Woods

"Pepper spray...take that old lady! That's the last time you smudge an American window!"

                                                                                    -Matt Walsh
"Produce...always the first causality of war."

                                            -Matt Walsh

"Go, American prototype!"

                        -Matt Walsh

"How do you weaken the power of the Vice President? What do you tell him? 'No, you can't go to state funerals!' ?"

                                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"After a lengthily standing ovation, where they made the hurt guy clap...."

                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"Rocker talked to Atlanta based TBS...because they own him."

                                                        -Jon Stewart

"Why wait for summer? Start hating it now."

                                    -Jon Stewart

"In other Olympic news, the search for Bruce Jenner's face is in its eleventh year."

                                                                -Jon Stewart

STEVE CARELL: Merry Christmas to you, Mr. Stewart.

JON STEWART: I believe Easter is this week.

STEVE CARELL: Ok, Happy Chanukah.

"The last thing I want to see is a Poland Spring Truck hooked up to my cesspool."

                                                                            -Lewis Black

"In other news, the stadium where the Expos play at still look like a huge toilet bowl."

                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"Shalom to you, Jon. Shalom means hello, goodbye, and peace. Much like the 'Aloha' of the middle east."

                                                                                            -Beth Littleford

"If they would just declare Miami a public library. They would have to be quiet."

                                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"Analysts saw this coming, even on casual Friday."

                                            -Jon Stewart

"As you snore your bright young elbows toward your choclately future, always remember Georgetown University."

                                                                                                        -Stephen Colbert

"My dear graduates, why don't you ever call? I went by your place, graduate, and all your mail wasn't in your box, graduate...was there someone else there graduate?"

                                                                                -Stephen Colbert

"How can you stop the clone of Cujo from killing?"

                                                    -Mo Rocca

"Tattooed Barbie outrages parents. Barbie says 'but I was drunk!' "

                                                            -Jon Stewart

"Who showers after gym anyways?"
                                -Jon Stewart

"My bootlegger's been lying to me."

                                    -Steve Carell

"Do not over-use the hyphen, please, the hyphen is not a toy."

                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"...filed under 'we're too busy for people over 100'."

                                                                    -Matt Walsh

"Mostly when you see a pig wallowing around Minneapolis, they're wandering around the Mall of America yelling after 'Jessie'."

                                                                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"And not like white guy jail--jail with people by the weight room going 'mm'."

                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"You are the weakest link? SO six months ago! Why don't you vote the corporations off the island?"
                                                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"You know those sad people on the E! channel who sits next to candelabras and pretend they know Meg Ryan? Well, they also have them in England."

                                                                                                                                -Jon Stewart   

"I just love a happy, pathetic ending!"

                                -Lewis Black

"Two 17 year olds do not make a 34 year old."

                                        -Jon Stewart

"..and water keeps her secrets."

                            -Jon Stewart

"It's Valentines day, and you know what that means: fondue."

                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"Yes, I know when I order a pizza I want my dough touching every hand or running suits possible."

                                                                                                     -Jon Stewart

"Everyone knows about the cement aspect. If you have a pig, you have cement."

                                                                                                -Vance DeGeneres

"You know, when your allies start  burning your flag, its time to make a flame retardant flag."

                                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"...Dave would have to train harder than any naked driver that has come before him."

                                                                                    -Matt Walsh
"Advertising...without it this show would be taking part in my apartment, and I would want all the people to leave."

                                                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"Have you ever seen those 'making of' specials for movies, and thought 'wow, I wish they made those for my favorite commercials!' (pause) Well, since I can't see or hear you, I'll assume your answer is an enthused 'yes!' "

                                                                                                                          -Steve Carell

"It's like extra commercial...for free!"

                                -Steve Carell

"Earth you know I be orbitin' you girl."

                                    -Jon Stewart

"I've never been to a Phish concert, so maybe you can fill me in on what your agenda is."

                                                                                                    -Lauren Weedman

"Let me give you a 'for instance' Jon..."

                                        -Mo Rocca

"Either the complex ballet that is baseball, or the complex baseball that is ballet."

                                                                                                -Mo Rocca

"There should be cable everywhere where's there's a waffle house at."

                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"Truly a dark day for a pastime when a ball field has to be named after a baseball team."

                                                                -Stephen Colbert (hosting)

"If you're in gaming, and you're not a mogul...get out of gaming."

                                                                        -Stephen Colbert (hosting)

"Man...those tigers can sell anything!"

                                -Steve Carell

"I Have never seen a duck on a mountain, expect on Duck Mountain."

                                                                    -Steve Carell

"In fact, our ratings have dropped ten percent since we have been talking about ABC, so let's move on."

                                                                                                            -Stephen Colbert (hosting)

"[Barry] Williams' only pervious boxing experience was several on-set scuffles with  TV dad Robert Reed over quote 'hogging the afro pick'"

                                                                                -Stephen Colbert (hosting)

"It's the perfect game for people who even disappoint themselves in their fantasies."
                                                                                            -Lewis Black

"Nothing says 'tell it to the man' like taking out a Cinnabon"

                                                                -Lewis Black

"How are the McRibs supposed to support their boneless heads with pride?"

                                                                                -Adrianne Frost

"Suicide Face...that was the worst IHOP kids meal ever!"

                                                                -Stephen Colbert (hosting)

"You know how I met my dog? Playing 'quarters.'"

                                                -Jon Stewart

"Note to Paula Jones...you must have a reputation before you can get it back."

                                                                                   -Craig Kilborn

"The people's choice awards was last night...I didn't get any, but that's okay, let's see who won."

                                                                                            -Craig Kilborn

"You're watching The Daily Show make love in our Chevy Van..."

                                                                                -Craig Kilborn

"Furniture tastes crispy!"

                            -Jon Stewart

"What a pretty moca-ish woman."

                                -Jon Stewart; after messing up a Michael Jackson joke.

"It's nice when nice happens to nice."

                                        -Mo Rocca

"You might say that's a 'pi' in the sky!"

                                    -Jon Stewart

"It's depressing, but not Oscar depressing"
                                                 -Frank DeCaro

"Roker can't live forever"

                    -Jon Stewart

"Pretend to run for your lives! It's a guy in a polar bear suit!"

                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"I'm looking forward to the Spiderman thing because I love leotards."
                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"Mickey Rooney ate a man Jon!"

                                    -Ed Helms


"In fact, win or lose; we're trading wives"

                                                   -Vance DeGeneres

"Picking up leaves never killed anyone, Jon, and plus it won't interfere with your harpist."

                                                                                                        -Vance DeGeneres

JIMMY SMITZ: That show was a ground breaking show, Jon!

JON:    In what sense? People didn't have to shave anymore!?

 

"I am not a gay man, but even I am undressing you [Simon Baker] with my eyes."

                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"Here's one thing...don't hit a man with asthma."

                                                    -Jon Stewart

"You can sit on it potsy!"

                        -Vance DeGeneres

"Calvin make long love to flapper squall for many moons!"

                                                                -Steve Carell

"I call it the Blair Kitch Project!"

                            -Frank DeCaro

"At home, I'm bigger than my TV. At the movie theater, the screen dwarfs me."

                                                                                            -Stephen Colbert

"One the advice to counsel, I have been asked not to re-ask that question."

                                                                                -Mo Rocca

"That my friend is trailer-tastic!"

                        -Stephen Colbert

"What are you, Fonzie trying to apologize!"

                                                        -Jon Stewart

"I think we have an entry for the big book of things that have never been said before: classy move by Bonaduchie [sp?]"

                                                                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"Have you ever used one of those toilet seats? It's like crapping on a cloud."

                                                                                            -Lauren Weedman

"He puts the 'rrr' in 'nerd' "
                            -Frank DeCaro

"We hit the wrong ethnic stereotype button on the translator."

                                                                      -Jon Stewart

"I thought the Hudson seemed silkier and bouncier."

                                                -Jon Stewart

"In Space, no one can see your shirt."

                                                        -Jon Stewart

"What kind of grandma doesn't know how to knit?"

                                                    -Lauren Weedman

"...rising their hands in the air like they just...don't want go get shot."

                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"That is what rioting is all about: teamwork."

                                                    -Mo Rocca

"There's no "I" in Sofa."

                           -Mo Rocca

"For a minute, I thought everyone I loved was dying, but it turned out that Pfzer made me think everyone I loved was dying."

                                                                                                                                            -Steve Carell

"To put it in another way, we have their Dennis Hastert."

                                                        -Jon Stewart

"You can really taste the ethical violations."

                                                -Mo Rocca

"If it had only destroyed more lives, it could be number one."

                                                        -Lewis Black

"You don't want to be an ugly American in Space."

                                                -Mo Rocca

"I thought for sure there would be a Good Burger 2."

                                                    -Jon Stewart

"In other news...that show Passions is a train wreck."

                                                -Jon Stewart

"He's a war-time president, Jon, you just have to go with it."

                                                                -Mo Rocca

"If you have a nice-looking camera, you can get anyone to talk to you!"

                                                                       -Lewis Black

"Now that we've recovered from the Oscars, expect for Halle Berry, who just realized her husband was in Glitter..."

                                                                                                                    -Frank DeCaro

JON: Talk to us about today's events.

LAUREN: You know most observers feel no matter what the outcome of the trail, one thing is for sure: we are back baby!

JON: (Pauses) I'm sorry?

LAUREN: Come on Jon, I mean 'Rink Rage?' what the hell is that? Is there some crazy syndrome that affects people near groomed ice? Of course not. Rink Rage. I mean its not an intern scandal, but it will do.

JON: So you mean, the media is back to their old tricks?

LAUREN: Say it Jon, Rink Rage!

JON: Why should I?

LAUREN: Rink Rage! Rinky-Ragey! Rinky Ragey!

 

ACCOUNTANT: Are you expecting a refund of a million dollars?

LEWIS BLACK: Look at what I'm wearing!

"Here's a bad sign: when your diplomat gets in a fight with the translator."

                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Excitement....Al Gore!"

                                                    -Jon Stewart

"Consumers are lemons! They are morons!"

                                                -Steve Carell

"Coal! It's everywhere you want to be!"
                                                   -Matt Walsh

"You said a tumor-ful!"

                    -Matt Walsh

 

"He sat down with me on collar-less Friday."

                                        -Rob Corddry.

MO ROCCA: Actually, I was born with a washboard stomach.

BETH LITTLEFORD: And I can't wait for laundry day!

"Times like these, I'm happy I don't give to charities."
                                                                       -Jon Stewart

"I give you credit for being able to read on a slant. That is not easy."

                                                                -Jon Stewart

"Everyone craps on the Weather Man...its like your weekend is the weatherman's responsibility." 

                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"The only thing Opie will be skipping over the pond is bodies!"

                                                        -Ed Helms

"Please don't applause the fact that I can read."

                                        -Jon Stewart

"I hate to throw ice water on everyone's erections here, but this story is not worth covering."

                                                                                    -Stephen Colbert

"You knocked the mentos out of my mouth, now how will I handle life's little challenges?"
                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"So parents, if you find that your children are hanging out with a clinically depressed dumper diver and a giant retarded canary, be warned."

                                                                                                    -Stephen Colbert

"Since Cookie Monster has been on the air, I've gained 135 pounds."

                                                                            -Stephen Colbert

"Police, fireman, whatever, we would both have bushy mustaches."

                                                        -Steve Carell

"Live to buy product...buy soap. I'm serious. Buy soap."
                                                    -Jon Stewart

"Now that's adver-tainment!"

                    -Jon Stewart

"Everyone knows that old TV shows were invented by Nickelodeon."

                                                                -Jon Stewart

"The good-old-days when sexual harassment was considered flirting."

                                                            -Jon Stewart

"Some of tonight's audience are contributing members of society."

                                                        -Jon Stewart

"Some of the stuff we do is 'dude, you don't even want to know' "

                                                    -Stephen Colbert

"Girlfriend snoring like an old man? Call us."

                                        -Rob Corddry

 

"I turn now to drugs, not out of desperation, but rather in news relevance."

                                                        -Jon Stewart

"We at the Daily Show are as concerned about drugs as much as the next show which is a SNL re-run."

                                                                                            -Stephen Colbert

"Fun! It's like CSPAN with lasers!"

                            -Frank DeCaro

"King Kong ain't got nothing on me!"

                                -Matt Walsh

"That was all in the horrible horrible past, what about the terrible terrible future?"
                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"Is that guy planning on bombing us, or ordering a Fresca?"
                                                -Jon Stewart

"Some people who might say that Ozzy is grossly overexposed, and there are some who are Amish."

                                                                            -Jon Stewart

JON: What do you think will be their most difficult move?

MO: Getting a job...

"Be safe with the whole flying thing...I won't even go to Ohio."

                                                        -Jon Stewart

"USA soccer: Catch the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome."
                                                    -Jon Stewart

"It's Wednesday, and as always, its Price Spaghetti night."

                                                    -Jon Stewart

"What's a dirty bomb? Picture a bomb, now picture something dirty."

                                                        -Steve Carell

"It looks like this horse broke up with another horse, and he tore the picture so he wouldn't be reminded of the other horse."

                                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"I always cry when I'm a mile-and-a-half away from weddings."

                                                    -Lauren Weedman

"...The movie to end all girl movies...hopefully!"

                                        -Frank DeCaro

"Tonight's show is an awesome show, and I'm not saying that just because my tie is cutting the circulation off in my neck."    

                                                                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"Aw, heck, the stock market is as simple as an Alabama weather man! Let's say you're a bean farmer, you farm beans, now if you're farming beans you don't do it by yourself, you use hired hands, pay them twenty to thirty dollars for an honest days labor, and to keep them working hard, you promise them a little extra if the price of beans go up, 'corse its going to cost your out of pocket to pay that extra. But maybe your wife already spent that money on a new hat, even if she already has about ten hats just like it that she never wears, and you can't return it 'cause it gots stains on it on account of all those fancy creams she's always putting up there. Now, you got no money and your migrants are down working for Steven's who is paying pennies on the bushel over and above." 

                                                                                                            -Ed Helms

"To find entrainment this good, you have to to to Branson, Missouri on a Tuesday afternoon, after a blizzard." 

                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"Geez! What do you have to do go get kicked out of the priesthood? You don't want to know. God, its easier to get kicked out of Guns and Roses!"

                                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"What other hard announcements does a forest ranger have to make other than 'hey, kids, don't touch the raccoon.' ?" 

                                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"I'm sorry, but I get so upset sometimes when I talk about the person in my example!"

                                                                                        -Stephen Colbert

STEVE: I'm Steve Carell

STEPHEN: and I'm Stephen Colbert

STEVE: and this Even Stephen never happened

STEPHEN: What Even Stephen? 

 

"Attention! The FBI is putting Syphilis in my hummus!"

                                        -Mo Rocca


"This is important, Jon, do not take the elevator out of your state!"

                                    -Stephen Colbert

"Yes, the audience was clapping along to the radiation song."
                                                            -Jon
Stewart

"Who doesn't love ham in the summer?"
                            -Steve Carell

"Yes, its boring, and that's how they get away with it."
                                            -Jon Stewart

 

"Keep an eye out for white people.... if I see a white guy with a Rolex, I'm going to give him a second look."
                                                                                            -Rob Corddry

"A country at war does not need to see its leader's nipples. FDR knew that."

                                                                -Jon Stewart

"What are we going to do when he does testify? Bring a book?"
                                                                    -Jon Stewart
JON: That's a cruise ship, Steve.

STEVE: Water-bound containment vessel, yes.

"I've seen the statue, she's blind and uneven."

                                    -Steve Carell


"Let's go to the tape (pauses; looks around) of the stills."
                                                -Ed Helms

ROB CORDDRY: He snuck under there like a runaway under a train yard fence!

ED HELMS: Why would you say that?!

ROB CORDDRY: Happened to me once, happened to me once.

"I've crunched some numbers, and I've found that most women do not want to have sex."
                                                                                    -Rob Corddry

"I don't believe something that bleeds for six days and doesn't die!"
                                                                -Rob Corddry

"I give you the anti-commercial."
                            -Steve Carell

"Human beings; the only species that can mock other species."
                                                                -Jon Stewart

"This is why the mob stopped 'bring your kid to work' day."

                                                    -Frank DeCaro

"Sorry, Jon, I just get so emotional when I talk about trout."   

                                                    -Stephen Colbert

"Sure, if I complain about my little bag of nuts, I'll get a kick in my little bag of nuts."
                                                                                            -Lewis Black

"I noticed as I was walking to work to work today, that I was sweating Gatorade."

                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"...where Wold Com suprised everyone who still thought that Dame Edna was a woman by filing for a bankrupuracy protection."

                                                                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"What are we thinking? GE is great! They're the lightbulb people, right?"

                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"It's the best sex you'll never have."

                                -Steve Carell

"In any language, the teacups still suck."

                                -Jon Stewart

"And who wouldn't be proud of a license plate made by your own congressman?"

                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"Perhaps I should of reported the men out of the hole!"

                                                    -Steve Carell

"You can put on a hat, and eat a tangerine, and it will just go away."
                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"I don't want someone dressed like a cowboy fiddling with my gonads."
                                                                        -Steve Carell

"Buses are for the walking dead!"

                            -Lewis Black

 

"My neck is outraged!"
                        -Jon Stewart

"Do you think that someone who would honestly like butter leak out that information?"
                                                                                                    -Mo Rocca

"There are only three things in life that are certain: death, taxes, and an American invasion on Iraq."
                                                                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"Did you hear that comedy central? More congressman in a desert war zone, less bowling shows! What are you thinking?!"
                                                                                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"The false wig and beard told the audience 'I'm a little bit country, and a little bit vampire.' "

                                                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"Pepsi: the one and only pop diva."

                        -Rob Corddry

"Ye shall strip to ye spandex under things, and it shall be good."

                                                            -Rob Corddry

"May I give a suggestion to E!: Put down the camera and help her."

                                                    -Jon Stewart on Anna Nicole Smith's show.

"Welcome to the Daily Show, I'm still Jon Stewart"
                                                -Jon Stewart

"Remember Anthrax? Opening your mail like this? Stockpiling antibiotics, squatting over your mirror checking for lesions..."
                                                                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"Strolling down here, you can practically smell the memories!"
                                                            -Ed Helms (voiceover) as he was walking down a street littered with strip clubs

"Because its a part of our continuing series 'who we bombing now?' "

                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"Here are some stories that we are watering in our Secret News Garden"
                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"When the going gets kind of tough, the tough get kind of going."
                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"This past week marked the 25th anniversary of the death of Elvis Presley. How do I know? Because nobody will let me forget!"

                                                                                                                            -Lewis Black

"That's not creepy! My stool sample from Richie Vallens, that's creepy!"

                                                                -Lewis Black

"Mmm...you're in stereotype country."

                                    -Jon Stewart

"A part of their new plan: Thousands of tiny airplanes on sticks."
                                                                -Jon Stewart

"Well, its funny, Jon, I had a lot of great notes, but they were taken away during the routine security point strip search. Apparently, since my name is 'Rob', they thought that I was might 'Rob' someone on the plane."

                                                                                                                        -Rob Corddry

"Thank you, United [airlines]! You made me gay!"

                                            -Rob Corddry

"Hey, who burnt the sienna?"

                            -Jon Stewart talking about crayons

"Does your buttocks look like this? Well, turn around because there is a creepy buy behind you filming you for his infomercial."
                                                                                                                                                      -Jon Stewart

"The medicine will be in stores soon, and it will come in plain and peanut."
                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"Apparently, this is the binge and purge Barbie."

                                            -Lewis Black

"Invention comes from necessity like a motha"

                                        -Vance DeGeneres

"As always...technology refused to be dignity's bitch."
                                                        -Vance DeGeneres

"With the internet, we can instantly get breaking news, drama, and tragedy with the outdated restraints of integrity and oversight, plus you can buy my autographed underwear on ebay."

                                                                                                                    -Vance DeGeneres
"I say let the news follow me for a while!"

                                    -Stephen Colbert

"Put down the buggy whip, Grandpa! Here, let me put down some fresh parchment and sharpen your quills. This is the future, OLD MAN!!"

                                                                                                                                -Stephen Colbert

"Now people could receive God's good word without putting on pants."
                                                                    -Steve Carell

"Sure, a real bimbo could marry a millionaire, but only a lady with real class could be a princess."

                                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"The crack of a bat, the diving for cover after the crack of a bat, the realization it was just the crack of a bat."
                                                                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"You don't have to be a guy standing by himself in a parking lot to understand that message."

                                                                                                        -Mo Rocca

"May I say that you are the first people to ever applaud 'Lets Bowl'."

                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"Abe Lincoln was more than false teeth and cherry trees."
                                                                -Ed Helms

"Dancing and Candy?! Wow! Only one thing on earth could make that better! Unicorns! You guys, I am so there!"

                                                                                     -Ed Helms talking about a candy dance that took place in Nevada.

"Nobody doesn't like Jason Lee."

                        -Jon Stewart

"History was made here today at Comedy Central...Battlebots are no more...a peace accord was reached. They will not fight, the word goes out to the land, robot should not fight robot."

                                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"Back to the domestic front, its September again, and often as a child, I'd hear two phrases that would drive me mad: 'back to school', and, 'husky tough-skins'."

                                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"I'm going to offer a note to our foreign born visitors: look, we're at a time of war, we're a little nervous, you might even say terrified, so if you're flying in the US, here are some tips: Number one, keep your seat belt securely fastened around you at all times, number two, I mean all the time, never get up, never! And number three, NEVER!!"

                                                                                                            -Lewis Black

"One of our cameramen actually laughed, that never happens. I don't know if he laughed at the joke, or the word 'juggs'."

                                                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"Nothing like a caviar ass comeback."

                                -Jon Stewart

"These guys wipe their asses with first class tickets to Europe."

                                                    -Rob Corddry

"Autumn is here, and its the awkward season between big summer action flicks, and splashy holiday movies that give Jews something to do on Christmas. I like to call it 'Craptember'."

                                                                                                            -Frank DeCaro

"Oh, Miss Scarlett, I don't know nothing about writing any dialogue."

                                                            -Frank DeCaro

"Back to you, Jon, my little Autumn breeze."
                                            -Frank DeCaro

"Now don't be frightened, put that forty five minutes in perspective. If they should attack, you'll have time to boil a three-minute egg, get  eight minute abs, listen to Stressus (sp?) minute waltz, get fifteen minutes of fame, solve a five minute mystery, that's 32, have sex, that's 33, umm...make 10 helpings of minute rice, and um....RUN!!"

                                                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"Simple gig, really, say a couple of words, eat some chicken, hug an old lady, collect uh, ten million dollars, and head home."
                                                                                                -Jon Stewart 

"I don't know if you can read that, but it says 'Saddam International Airport.", of course the then headed to the Saddam Hotel, its over on Saddam Street, actually what you have to do is take Saddam Avenue bypass to Saddam Boulevard, first light after Saddams's uh, you just make a quick Saddam, you can't miss it. Actually, its across the street from Hussein's, which has some of the base Saddam burgers you'll find."

                                                                                                            -Jon Stewart

 

"This is one of these brave men: my grandfather: Pe-pop. He used to drive a vintage '56 T-bird. Sweet ride. He can't drive it anymore though, and it sits under a a canvas in his garage. Won't even let me touch it, will you Pe-pop? Are you telling me that you went toe-to-toe with Hitler just so a classic automobile can sit and rot in your garage? Give me the car! Give me the car OLD MAN!!"

                                                                                                            -Stephen Colbert

"Now, who is the majority whip in your house, sir?"
                                                            -Jon Stewart to Bob Dole

"Save your editorials for the crossfire, Col. Carvel!"

                                                    -Stephen Colbert

"I felt like I was at the Republican Woodstock and I had taken the brown acid!"
                                                                                        -Lewis Black


"Like most Americans, I hate paying taxes, but I love my roads, my garbage pick-up, and my federal prison system. Public Education? Eh, I home school."

                                                                                                -Stephen Colbert

"Welcome to jubilant, relieved, openly gas pumping, almost can I say in a taunting way, Washington, D.C." 

                                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"If the founding fathers had twenty-four hour news networks, they would of went back to England."

                                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"No one's stealing Twinkies from this congress!"

                                                -Jon Stewart

"Smoking is just like your lungs eating smoke. We might as well be eating cigarettes."

                                                                                        -Stephen Colbert

"Also be sure to wear gloves while eating bugs, you don't want to get germs or anything!"

                                                                                        -Lewis Black

"Eat you beautiful bastards, eat!"

                            -Stephen Colbert

"Oh my god, they've got Bob Ball! Bush is toast! You don't mess with Ball! Sure Dick Sweat, sure you can mess with him, but Ball?"

                                                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"As expected, much of the nation's 1.6 million lost jobs in 2001 took place in the travel and tourism industry. But it has brought a welcome boom to the videotape of empty airports industry."

                                                                                                    -Jon Stewart

"And if I don't get paid, I'll cry all the way home. When I arrive to the gate, I will enter my security code. The gate will open and I will cry all the way down my private mountain road though the hedge maze, up the seventy-five marble steps, and I will sob in my specially made sobbing atrium."

                                                                                            -Jon Stewart

"Here's a rule...your head shouldn't be bigger than the wheel of the thing transporting you!"

                                                                                    -Lewis Black

"And since there was two people with a sign chanting, Jessie Jackson was there."

                                                                                        -Jon Stewart

"That's why my choice for financial advice has always been Dateline NBC's Stock Pickin' Money Chicken"

                                                                                                                -Jon Stewart

"As part as his duties as the new guy, Stephen Colbert has to do a lot of unpleasant things here. Here he is with his look in the year of corporate America"

                                                                                            -Craig Kilborn during the 1997 year-end show.

"A note to Authur Andersen, when you issue a memo saying to destroy all documents, you may make a P.S. on destroying all the memos!"

                                                                                                                        -Jon Stewart

" 'That's when the truck from Miller rolled up', how many times has those very words saved me?"

                                                                                                                            -Steve Carell

"So a chicken with his nards cut off is a better tasting chicken?"
                                                                                   -Steve Carell

"Let's face it, that Iraq show jumped the shark when they added that second President Bush"

                                                                                                    -Stephen Colbert

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