Premium Blend Appearance "
Airdate [original]: November 2,
Ed did a
four minute stand up appearance on Comedy Centrals Premium Blend. This is
basically what he covered:
to run to the subway on the way there, and the doors didn't close for
like five minutes
admits that he was a lifeguard in high school (didn't see that one
get into the workout mindset
friend Chris can, and his big thing is running marathons.
proceeds to do an impression of Chris, and Chris' description of a
marathon. Your body cramps up at mile ten, mile twenty he shit in his
pants, and didn't even know it, and the finish line is a warzone with
bodies dropping like flies.
he tries to understand, and he watched the New York City Marathon, and
he couldn't understand why his friends are cheering the runners
wanted to give the runners his bike, (or better yet) come in and eat
some guacamole and watch Meatballs with him and his roommate.
("I'm going to have to ask you to take a shower though, because I
noticed that you crapped your pants.")
The Time Has Come To Make Some More Ed Synopsis "
Airdate: November 5,
Ed is in
charge of the big map for election night, 2002. He first shows us election
results as of 11:03-ish eastern time. Ed shows us the states that the
Democrats won (in blue), and then he shows us the states that the
Republicans won in (in another shade of blue). Jon says its hard to distinguish.
Ed says the Democrats are in blue, and the Republicans are in indigo. Ed
also pops up the letters "R" and "D" and asks if that
helps. Well, it doesn't. Jon says that the polls haven't even closed yet
in Oregon, and Ed says its marked "R" because of "results
not in", and the "D" means "race has been decided,
decided with a 'd' ". Jon notices that California is marked with a
"D" and there wasn't even a senate race. The reason why?
"It's in a different font! It's sans-serif! Do you want to talk
fonts? Because I can do either" In the House Of Representatives, Ed
used the Sherwin Williams Colorwheel and gave each area that had a race a
different color. Jon just puts his head in his hands while Ed tries to
find the matching color (coral dust) to a race result in Georgia (Ed's
I Eat It When I Get Sad "
Airdate: November 6,
first appearance sitting at the new shiny Lucite desk with Jon, he talks
about how the Republicans dominate everything on election night. But he
uses an ingenious way to prove this point:
are represented by red M&M's and the blue M&M's represent
Democrats, and a yellow one represents Jim Jeffroids. With the senate, Ed
eats a blue M&M and adds another red M&M to the pile. In the house
races, candy corn and smarties represent Democrats, and red M&M's are
still representing Republicans. Swing voters are depicted with Hershey
Kisses. What happened was the Hershey Kisses got shoved over with the
candy corn and smarties. Jon wants to know about policy shifts. Ed says he
can do that, and he gets out his jack-o-lantern shaped bucket of Halloween
candy (presumably from all the trick-or-treating he did down Embassy Row
in Washington DC-see
above) A Three Musketeers
bar represented Trent Lott, and some Twizzlers represented gun control.
Jon gets the clue, and accuses Ed of trying to get rid of his Halloween
candy on air, and he has no analysis at all. Ed's reply:
got too much candy, Jon. I can't have it around the house, because I eat
it when I'm sad."
(even I went
"aww..." watching that part)
Ed starts to get sad,
and starts reaching for some candy corn, and proceeds to shove it in his
mouth. Jon has to pull away the candy away from him.
Quote: "God knows we've been up forty-eight hours straight...doing
blow" - Jon Stewart to Ed.
Misery Loves Companies "
Airdate: November 7,
investigation, we learn that Bankruptcy Lawyers and Attorneys are cashing
in on everyone else's economic downfalls. Ed asks an attorney/lawyer is
this the golden age of bankruptcy. In Ed's interview with the
attorney/lawyer, this comes up:
Attorney/Lawyer: My wife jokes around that being a bankruptcy lawyer is
the perfect hedge for his stock market portfolio.
Ed: You two must have a ball together.
visits a shining star of the golden age of bankruptcy who won't be in
business much longer. (a men's clothing store, and
it looked like in later stories Ed bought some new ties from the guy. I
mean with 'going out of business prices' wouldn't anybody?)
Ed asks the manager if bankruptcy and going out of business has made him
A.) Excited B.) Thrilled C.) Happy. Well, obviously that answer is
"the first one". The newest face (although sadly, he was shot in
that face) of the golden age of bankruptcy is a repo man who tows cars
away ("they're kind of like Santa Claus, but in the other
Touched By A Scalpel - Re-aired "
Airdate: November 13,
Close Marriages "
Airdate: November 14,
Jon talks to Ed ("Senior Royal Watcher [UK/Belgium Only]" )
about a scandal. (I think it had something to do with sodomy, maybe?) Jon
thinks that the Royal Family was just a ceremonial thing now. Ed
disagrees, pointing out that England cannot function without the Royals
because they knight
elderly rock stars, their faces are on the money, and ships don't christen
themselves. He also reminds us that the Royals are not in the best "genetic
condition" due to years of "close marriages". Jon tries to
shut Ed up, but he goes on saying that he met two Earls with flippers, and
they can't be exposed to direct sunlight or their faces will melt right
off, and "have you ever seen a half man, half cow wearing a
The Gaying Of America "
Airdate: November 19,
We all know
that America is getting gayer and gayer, but how gay is it getting? Joseph
Farah says the easier it is to "come out" the more gay people
there will be. ("yeah, it sure is getting easier since you can get
married in two out of 50 states") Ed predicts in ten years 150% of
the population will be gay, and to put that in simpler terms, five out of
two people will be gay. One of the things that will increase is more men wearing mustaches.
But back to Ed's interview with Joseph Farrah. He says that in the past,
gayness has crumbled societies in the past (like the dinosaurs and their
fancy feather boa wearing!) Ed asks if Farrah can explain the success of
gay people such as Wolf Blitzer and Dick Cheney, and Farrah interrupts,
saying that Cheney isn't gay, and Ed says that he thought he had read
that somewhere. In the end, Farrah says that everyone has fantasized about
it at one time or another. ("You got that right!").
So, you can say that me saying that you have a nice mustache doesn't make
For the record, I was going to compliment you on your mustache.
Very nice mustache...
At the desk
with Jon, Ed has "grown" a mustache similar to Farrah's. Jon
asks him what method Ed used to crunch those statistics he used in his story.
Ed starts to stroke his mustache, and furrows his brow in thought.
Ad Nauseam: Oh, my god! I have osteoporosis!
Airdate: November 19,
has been gone for a few months doing things out in Hollywood. The writers
at The Daily Show have found some advertisements to make fun of. Steve,
the usual Ad Nauseam guy isn't going be back for about another month. So
they make Ed do it:
Being a consumer is about freedom of choice. From the jeans we're told to
sear, to the beverages we're told to drink. And when it comes to selling
prescription drugs, today's savvy consumers are no longer willing to
blindly guy whatever a doctor scribbles on a little piece of paper based
on nothing more than his fancy knowledge and years of expertise in his
chosen field. No, you should be able to decide what's right for you, and
thanks to relaxed federal regulations, pharmaceutical corporations can now
advertise directly to consumers. Freeing all of us to make our own
informed drug choices:
Do you know the warning signs of osteoporosis?
Why, no, I don't.
Unfortunately, there are none.
Ed: (freaking out)
Oh, my god! I have osteoporosis! (grabs a bottle of pills and shoves
the pills down his throat)
Fosomax is for post-menopausal women.
Oh...(spits pills out) well, see, I didn't know that, before. And
now, I'm motivated more to learn about this Fosomax which turns out may
not be for me. (spits remaining pills out) But education only goes
so far in persuading us to buy unfamiliar new medicines that we may not
even need. The makers of pharmaceutical ads know that consumers need more
than a drug that works, they need a drug that sounds like it works.
Television ad #2:
Taking Plavix once a day...
Television ad #3:
Today's purple pill called Nexium
Television ad #4:
Wow! Plavix, Nexium, Ditropan XL? With names that rapulent, who wouldn't'
quioux (sp?) them? Ultamately, effective pharmaceutical advertisements
comes down to one word:
Television ad #5:
Side effects may include:
Television ad #6:
(two more ad clips are shown stating the same thing: Diarrhea...)
No, but that is a strikingly common side effect. The word is info-mor-ation.
You see, with all the attention paid to the fancy names and appealing
colors, you can't forget that people want to know just what a drug does.
Television ad #7:
(A Celebrex ad showing Santa Claus playing golf in someone's living
room is shown)
Finally! A prescription medication that makes Santa Claus dance when he
plays golf! Now if they would only make a drug for low self-esteem. Eh,
that's a stupid idea...stupid...what a stupid idea....
(Ending credits outtake)
What a stupid idea!!! I'm so stupid!!! God, I'm so stupid!! You are an
idiot!!! You're stupid!! (calms down) Jon?
We Love Sho-Biz : He Said Me Ed!
Airdate: November 21,
installment of We Love Sho-biz (hosted by Ed Helms and Rachel Harris) we
learn more details on the "Anglo-Hispanic Wedding Salsa-bration"
of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck:
Ed: "It will be Affleck's first marriage, but fear not, J-Lo will
show him the ropes! It will be her tres! Mucho Merry!
Like a valley girl that knows her jewelry, Ed gets real excited
about J-Lo's pink diamond engagement ring (by biting his black pillow and exclaiming
"AHH!!! It's a pink
Ed also reports that Madonna will stay "cowboy" for yet another
week. Finally, in a little segment called "He Said Me Ed!" Ed
gets the interview of a lifetime with Axl Rose's (picture):
Ed: Oh, picture of Axl Rose, what demons drive you?
And in the final segment "Runway Or Another" Ed makes a threat
to those folks at PETA that stormed a Victoria's Secret show:
"Remember, we love sho-biz, so if you hurt sho-biz we will destroy