Watch : Text Messaging”
Airdate: April 3, 2003 (or something like that)
(transcribed, of course)
Confused? Well, you wouldn’t be if you were hip to the latest
communication craze: text messaging! Trust me, its grt! All you need is a
cell phone, a pair of thumbs, and a friend (with the same exact type of cell
phone). And text messaging is a global phenomenon. Last year, text messaging
was used to spark riots over the Miss World pageant that killed hundreds of
people. Try doing that with your fax machine, grandpa! We were in America
are also realizing the power of text messaging, and although we aren’t
using them to overthrow a government, we’ve got bigger fish to fry (while
Ed is talking, clips of “American Idol” are shown with text messaging
voting info) you untalented pieces of shit!! Come on! They can’t sing!
The best part of text messaging is that it’s so easy! For instance,
instead of typing ten meaningless numbers to call someone, you can just text
them! Watch me in action as a text someone my name: you just punch in “3,3”
for “E”, “d” is going to be three again, then we go to four for “H”,
three times, and uh…it’s so easy! Uh…”e,e”, three again, and then
its going to be one three times, “m” is six, and “s” is just an…..its
so easy! (makes a “thumbs up” gesture) Cramp! Cramp! Jesus!
And there is a whole new language for our brave new wireless world. Let’s
fire up our “digital watch info-distributor 6000” (as Ed was setting the
info-distributor up, I started to get bad flashbacks to high school math
classes) to look at this exciting new shorthand. “A3” stands for “anytime,
anywhere, anyplace”. Funny, I haven’t received that one yet. “HT4U”
means “hot for you”, which was coincidently was my license plate in high
school … on my bike. Anyway, this here is “want to see a movie”
(insert screen cap here)
and of course you can answer that with”
(insert screen cap)
”Let’s see a revival of Goddard’s 1958 classic Unfemme Coquitte”
(I know I didn't spell that right)
By now you’re probably saying “Ed Helms!, (or “3” three times,
“4” twice, “3” once, “5” three times, “6” once, “7” give
times), is this really efficient?”, and the answer is most definitely “9,9,3,3,7,7,7,7”
Text messaging is like being in the same room together with somebody, and
typing things to them. And that level of intimacy is really (Ed’s phone
rings) ok … I’m getting a call. (phone still rings) I’m
still in “text” mode, I don’t want to play tetris, I’d really just
like to answer the call … that would be great. How do I … f-k! For
Digital Watch, I’m, “3,3,3,4,4,4…(bangs hands on desk in
frustration) I’m Ed Helms!
Airdate: April 24, 2003
Our little tipster, Ed Helms has some ways to cope with the tense world
around us. Ed talks to Dr. Allen Alkin, and he explains symptoms such as
sweating, a faster heartbeat, and difficulty sleeping. Ed has a symptom not
Ed: What about worry warts?
Allen: I’m not sure warts come up.
Ed: I beg to differ. I got worry warts on my genitals…
Allen: I’m sure there isn’t a documented case of worry warts…
Ed: But my girlfriend got worried about me, and she got them too, on her genitals.
Ed asks about ways to reduce anxiety. One of which is sex and masturbation.
All of a sudden, Ed needs to use the restroom….
but perhaps you can’t find a “masturbatory”? Don’t worry, there are
other ways to reduce anxiety:
Step #1: Be informed.
Staying Abreast of current events can make you feel more in control…
unless you picked the day that a school shooting, white powder was found
somewhere, a new SARS outbreak, and chemical weapons were found all happened
in the same day.
Step #2: Turn to religion:
Ed, in church:
”Dear Lord, please help me to resolve world peace … and make me awesome
at numchucks! A-men.”
Step #3: Consult your pharmacist:
But Ed! What if we don’t have health insurance or money?
Simple, go to your convenience store and get a 40oz (with a straw), and make
cupcakes with Quaaludes in it (“just like grandma used to make!”)
If all of Ed’s suggestions that he worked all day on creating doesn’t
help, Ed has one more suggestion:
Stop being such a pussy.
But how does Ed reduce his anxiety? Why with horse tranquilizers and