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Synopsis (April 2003)

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“Digital Watch : Text Messaging”

Airdate: April 3, 2003
(transcribed, of course)
(or something like that)
Confused? Well, you wouldn’t be if you were hip to the latest communication craze: text messaging! Trust me, its grt! All you need is a cell phone, a pair of thumbs, and a friend (with the same exact type of cell phone). And text messaging is a global phenomenon. Last year, text messaging was used to spark riots over the Miss World pageant that killed hundreds of people. Try doing that with your fax machine, grandpa! We were in America are also realizing the power of text messaging, and although we aren’t using them to overthrow a government, we’ve got bigger fish to fry (while Ed is talking, clips of “American Idol” are shown with text messaging voting info) you untalented pieces of shit!! Come on! They can’t sing! The best part of text messaging is that it’s so easy! For instance, instead of typing ten meaningless numbers to call someone, you can just text them! Watch me in action as a text someone my name: you just punch in “3,3” for “E”, “d” is going to be three again, then we go to four for “H”, three times, and uh…it’s so easy! Uh…”e,e”, three again, and then its going to be one three times, “m” is six, and “s” is just an…..its so easy! (makes a “thumbs up” gesture) Cramp! Cramp! Jesus!
And there is a whole new language for our brave new wireless world. Let’s fire up our “digital watch info-distributor 6000” (as Ed was setting the info-distributor up, I started to get bad flashbacks to high school math classes) to look at this exciting new shorthand. “A3” stands for “anytime, anywhere, anyplace”. Funny, I haven’t received that one yet. “HT4U” means “hot for you”, which was coincidently was my license plate in high school … on my bike. Anyway, this here is “want to see a movie”
(insert screen cap here)
and of course you can answer that with”
(insert screen cap)
”Let’s see a revival of Goddard’s 1958 classic Unfemme Coquitte” (I know I didn't spell that right)

By now you’re probably saying “Ed Helms!, (or “3” three times, “4” twice, “3” once, “5” three times, “6” once, “7” give times), is this really efficient?”, and the answer is most definitely “9,9,3,3,7,7,7,7” Text messaging is like being in the same room together with somebody, and typing things to them. And that level of intimacy is really (Ed’s phone rings) ok … I’m getting a call. (phone still rings) I’m still in “text” mode, I don’t want to play tetris, I’d really just like to answer the call … that would be great. How do I … f-k! For Digital Watch, I’m, “3,3,3,4,4,4…(bangs hands on desk in frustration) I’m Ed Helms!

“Hi, Anxiety!”
Airdate: April 24, 2003

Our little tipster, Ed Helms has some ways to cope with the tense world around us. Ed talks to Dr. Allen Alkin, and he explains symptoms such as sweating, a faster heartbeat, and difficulty sleeping. Ed has a symptom not mentioned:
Ed: What about worry warts?
Allen: I’m not sure warts come up.
Ed: I beg to differ. I got worry warts on my genitals…

Allen: I’m sure there isn’t a documented case of worry warts…
Ed: But my girlfriend got worried about me, and she got them too, on her genitals.

Ed asks about ways to reduce anxiety. One of which is sex and masturbation. All of a sudden, Ed needs to use the restroom….
but perhaps you can’t find a “masturbatory”? Don’t worry, there are other ways to reduce anxiety:
Step #1: Be informed.
Staying Abreast of current events can make you feel more in control…
unless you picked the day that a school shooting, white powder was found somewhere, a new SARS outbreak, and chemical weapons were found all happened in the same day.
Step #2: Turn to religion:
Ed, in church:
”Dear Lord, please help me to resolve world peace … and make me awesome at numchucks! A-men.”
Step #3: Consult your pharmacist:
But Ed! What if we don’t have health insurance or money?
Simple, go to your convenience store and get a 40oz (with a straw), and make cupcakes with Quaaludes in it (“just like grandma used to make!”)
If all of Ed’s suggestions that he worked all day on creating doesn’t help, Ed has one more suggestion:
Stop being such a pussy.
But how does Ed reduce his anxiety? Why with horse tranquilizers and whippets.


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