" Mark Your Calendar : August "
Airdate : August 6, 2003
Hi, I'm Ed Helms. August is a dreary, seemly enterable month, which is why
we're dedicating it to the elderly. Starting with August first : hug a senior
day. Sponsored by the Brookehaven life care community in Brookehaven, Ohio. So
if there's a senior in your life you've been putting off hugging, Friday would
of been the perfect time to do it. But don't hug them now, it would be un-sanctioned.
This weekend brings us Kool-Aid days. A three-day salute to America's favorite
fruit juice concoction. You know, my grandma used to make us Kool-aid during
the summertime, only it wasn't Kool-aid, it was some generic red sugar based
drink that was flavorless, but evidently it was a few cents cheaper. It was a
lesson on value not lost to a young Ed Helms. So when grandma died, I made
sure she was burred in an unmarked grave, because it was a few cents cheaper.
Thanks for the tip, Gram!
August ninth brings us National Garage Sale day. Everyone knows that garage
sales are a perfect way to show the world that you give up on certain hobbies.
But do you know that a good garage sale also gives you the chance to haggle
with neighbors on a sweltering summer afternoon over items that belong in a
landfill? And all for prices that make it hardly worth the effort!
The following Thursday marks the sixty-eight anniversary of Social Security.
Sixty-eight years...what a run ... now over. The economy's in the toilet, and
your savings are shot to hell. Sorry, retired people, but if it makes you feel
any better, you still have Hug A Senior Day.
Finally, August 25th marks a sweet occasion. Kiss and Make Up Day. That's Kiss
and Make Up day, not Kiss Make Up Day. I learned that the hard way last
August 25th at my brother's wedding. Now you know what I'll be apologizing for
this August 25th. For mark your calendar, I'm Ed Helms.
Variations : Mark Your Calendar : August (2002)
Denis Leary : Behind The Anger (Behind The Roast Special) "
Airdate : August 7, 2003
(Hosted By Ed)
[Intro, there's a couple of extreme! close ups here]
Hi there. I'm Ed Helms, and I'm here to help you get acquainted with the man
in the hot seat at this year's Comedy Central Roast : Denis Leary. I have to
say that I was thrilled when they approached me to do this for Denis. I'm a huge
fan, he is so brilliant. Its like Whoopi Goldberg and Carrot Top had a kid and
that kid and William Defoe had another kid, and boom! That would be Denis
Leary. Here's something a lot of people don't know : Denis has a big heart. How does that manifest itself?
Plamphary (sp?). Denis has donated countless hours and dollars to New York's downtrodden Filipino Hooker
Community, and its breakthrough drugs for cash program has done wonders for
the impoverished Pereira Cocoa Farmers. Tonight, we are going to explore all
those aspects of Denis and more, and we'll get a glimpse of the real Denis
though the eyes of his closest friends, and colleagues, many of whom agreed to
appear for less than their usual fees. Of course, to understand who Denis
Leary is, we must first understand where he came from ...
(a segment is shown with Denis' parents talking about his childhood)
...Welcome back. This year's Comedy Central Roast Featuring Denis Leary is
taking place at the Hammerstein Ballroom in New York City, let's go check it
Thanks, Ed! I'm at the Hammerstein Ballroom, and its five hours before showtime, and I'm with Kyle, the events coordinator.
... Want to see the facilities?
Let's take a look behind the scenes!
[Kyle shows Ed the lights, heavy equipment, and the Craft Services]
Ed, I think you're really going to like this. This is the dressing room of the
star, Denis Leary.
[Opens doors to see that Denis' "cousins" are in there. Two minutes
of the lamest comedy ensues, and Ed makes a good judgment call and leaves.]
(back in studio)
I've heard that several of Denis' colleagues actually respect him. I
caught up with actress Jessica St.Clair. I invited her to join me on my daily
picnic, and thankfully, she obliged.
Ed: (putting cream cheese on a bagel)
I've been told that you've worked with extensively with Denis Leary.
I have actually been in every single one of his movies.
Because I've seen them all, and I haven't seen you in them.
I've been cut out.
On the cutting room floor!
I'm dying to know what is Denis like on the set of a movie?
One funny story was [during] Operation Dumbo Drop, I found him behind my
trailer, he was inspecting it for people.
You are kidding me!
Which is great because, Ed, he found one ... and you just don't know these
days what kind of sickos can spy on you, so thank God for Denis.
What can you tell me about Denis as an an actor?
Well, he's just so good For example, we had one scene in one of our
movies that took place in a bar. Denis says 'I will not be able to do this
without whiskey in my glass' . We dud hundreds of takes.
So all of a sudden, out of nowhere, he pukes and that wasn't in the script. He
just improvised it. Oh, also, I never knew that Denis is an Licensed Massage Therapist.
Really?! Well, he should be! He's very good! Give that man a license!
Well, thank you very much for talking to me today at my picnic. Do you have
any projects coming up with Denis?
Well, nothing firm, but as Denis says every time he leaves my trailer ' that
was great, and you're definitely in my next movie!' I'm keeping my fingers
[at Hammerstein Ballroom]
I'm a little concerned for Denis. Things are going to get a little nasty out
there. So we wanted to give people the opportunity to vent their aggression
before show time. Allow me to demonstrate : What's up, Denis? (hits a
plastic Denis Leary dummy with a bat) That felt pretty good.
(A montage is shown with people on the cable shows that you have to pay a
little extra for [and Dane Cook] Beating on Denis)
... I think we've all learned a lot about Denis Leary ... maybe more than any
of us cared to know. I know that's true for me. Well, all we have left to do
is roast him ... so tune in ... it should be a lot of fun (makes a
grimace as though he's seen a preview for the show and he knows how much the
roast dragged on)
" Using My Religion "
Airdate : August 7, 2003
Willie Pritt's church
(that looks an awful lot like an miniature amplatheater) is running a foul
with neighbors who hate what they don't understand, and who hate loud music
that's played all night. Wille paraphrases everyone's complaints:
"No concerts! No concerts! Noooo Concerts!"
The neighbor who can't sleep with her windows up anymore says that they
couldn't get permit for a concert area so they got a permit for a church.
But would a pretend church have real policies?
Willie : God never said you can't party on!
Ed: People don't talk about this, but everyone knows that Jesus' sermon on the
Willie : King David is the one that rocks!
Ed: King David rocks!
But "the man" says that Willie's services have to stop.
I don't think you need to take mind-altering drugs (Willie makes a
"thumbs up") to figure out that these zoning laws are just some
thinly veiled excuse to persecute you for your religious beliefs.
Basically, yeah...if you were God, and you were going to control everything,
would you make your self a tight ass, or would you be like 'go ahead and have
fun and laugh all the time'
Ed asks Willie what would be on Jesus' set list:
"Probably open up with 'Jesus is just alright with me', I'd put on some
Bob Marley, and then we'd go into 'the devil's inside, the devil inside, every
single one of us are the devil inside..."
I was with you until you got to INXS...
1)Was this shot parodying some sort of movie? It looks
like a parody, but I can't put my finger on it.
" Mr. Fluffums "
Airdate : August 12, 2003
We turn now to our Daily Show Environmental Correspondent, Ed Helms in
Yellowstone, Montana. Ed, thanks for joining us. Tell us about this Healthy
Jon, America's woodlands is one of the most precious resources, and this new
healthy forest initiative will go a long way toward preserving them.
Ed, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but what's going on there behind you, if I
Uh ... that's uh ... Montana on fire, Jon. Which is actually a great
illustration of the need for Bush's new policy. You see, the forest that is
burning behind me was dangerously full of trees, or as I like to call
them, nature's matchsticks. By preemptively emptying, thinning, or
removing trees as the president suggests, we are insuring their survival. We
must starve the fire, Jon. For fire is a hungry, hungry, bitch.
Ed, I think that many people find the plan somewhat counteractive.
Really, Jon? Well, I think those people are losing sight of the big picture.
They can't see the uh ... the thing with all the trees ...
Yes! They can't see that though the ... I just said it.
Yeah! Besides, many environmentalists endorse a limited thinning
That may be, Ed; but the way they are going to implement it though large
lumber companies, it could be seen as you know, favoring big businesses, kind
of giving out the contracts, that sort of thing.
Not really, Jon. I see it more as being consistent with his overall
philosophy. That is 'in order to save something, you have to kill part of it.'
Take Iraq, for instance. In order to save the Iraqis, we had to kill a lot of
Ed, let's just wrap this whole thing up. Uh ... as someone who as made his
entire life about monitoring the environment, you're sort of the Grizzly Adams
of the news world; do you endorse this plan?
Absolutely, Jon. The forest will be richer and fuller than ever. It's like
what they teach you in Boy Scouts. What you prune will come back plentiful.
When you cut the tail off a cat, it comes back bigger and bushier than ever.
Ed, that works with lizards, but a cat's tail will not grow back.
(tears up) Really? Oh my God ... Mr. Fluffums .. what have I done?
" I'm Running On Ed Power "
Airdate : August 18, 2003
Ed, are you there?
Yes, Jon. It's good to be back.
Ed, it looks like you're still in the dark there. Isn't your power back?
Is it? I don't know. I haven't even checked.
Why is that, Ed?
Because Jon, there was a lesson to be learned during the great great blackout
of '03. That lesson? We as people become too dependent on a tenuous commodity:
electricity. Which as we now know is something we can lose just like this (claps
hands, lights come back on) shit ... the point is Jon, TV's, refrigerators,
dialysis machines, these so-called 'conveniences' are nothing more than
distractions and annoyances. From now on the only thing that is going to power
Ed is 'Ed Power'. I will live off the land, and grow my own food.
Ed, you live in a high-rise doorman building in Manhattan. You're really going
to grow your own food?
Yeah, I got a couple of window boxes. I can pick up some basil plants.
Ed, basil's an herb.
Yeah, ok, and the next time your precious power goes out and there's rioting
in the streets and you're on the edge of starvation don't come running to me
for fresh basil. Especially if its wintertime, 'cause I won't have any, ok?
It's more of an summer herb.
Ed, don't you think that the solution may be more of along the lines of
updating and improving the grid? Making more efforts to conserve energy?
Jon ... there have been two outages in 38 years, I'm not going to take a
chance on another one coming down in 19 years. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool
me twice (assuming that I'm still alive in 2022), shame on me.
(a whistle/beep goes off in the background)
Ed, what's that?
That's my microwave pizza. My organic microwave pizza. Rome wasn't
built in a day.
(a percolator sound is heard in the background)
What's that, Ed?
That's my Tivo...
Thank you, Ed.
" Ad Nauseam's Salute To
Getting Hit In The Nuts
Airdate : August 20, 2003
Good evening, I'm Ed Helms, and welcome to Ad Nauseam's All Star Salute To
Getting Hit In The Nuts.
Testicles. Since time has immortalized (?) it has been a staple of advertising.
What is it exactly, that makes getting hit in the nuts such a powerful and
timeless advertising tool? (Ed turns to another camera, and is dressed like
a doctor) Allow me to explain. It's common knowledge that when a person's
nuts get hit, kicked, struck, stretched, crushed, punctured, slammed, poked,
beat, hammered, walloped, pummeled twisted, maced, and/or engulfed in flames,
the brain sensory perception homunculus or gets flooded with painful
stimuli. But when you see someone else get hit in the nuts it stimulates a
different region of the brain known as the "hitnuculus", which advertisers
know is directly connected to the area in charge of acquiring goods and
services. When that happens, well you go yourself a sale!
Now it is with great pleasure that I introduce a very special guest. Joining
us tonight from his estate from El Segundo California the first host of
Ad Nauseam *
Steve Carell (interrupting)
...and creator, Steve Carell.
Thanks, Ed, and may I say that you are doing a decent job of this segment.
I've been watching you, and I have to say its really a ... its getting there.
Thank you. Steve, you have some insight in this subject, because I understand
you were once in an ad that featured a guy getting hit in the nuts! (shows an
old Baltimore Lottery ad in which Steve plays an baseball that avoids
getting hit in the nuts, but the umpire behind him does get hit in the nuts)
That is brilliant! You gotta tell us what was it like to be in a commercial
where a guy gets hit in the nuts?
It was magic. It's not so often in an actors career where you get to be part
of something that you are truly proud of, we created advertising gold that
day. Although I don't recall exactly what the product was, I will never forget
that look on that umpire's face when he got (grimaces) hit in the nuts.
Well, Steve thank you so much for joining us. It's great to have you back, you're
something of a legend around here. (while Ed is kissing Steve's rear, Steve
gets up and leaves) Uh... okay. I can hear some of you saying 'Ed, getting
hit in the nuts is old hat. We've seen it way too many times!' Well, I'm proud
to say that my Madison Avenue colleagues continue to push the ball hitting
envelope. With some soon to be classics as 'out of control treadmill',
'slippery bowling ball', 'old man with golf club', 'old lady with cane',
'tennis ball machine gone wild', and just plain tennis ball! Wow!! What will
they think of next! Well, that's all the time we have this evening, I hope you
enjoyed yourselves as much as I have. You know, its funny, the producers and I
were talking about how we should end this special, and one suggestion was that
I, Ed Helms get hit in the nuts! I quickly put that -- (tennis ball
goes by, nearly hits Ed in the balls) Oh! Ok, nice try, way to -- (soccer
ball goes by and hits Ed in the nuts so hard that he doubles over in pain
and is screaming)
* = (me being a daily show dork) Michael Bliden was the first Ad Nauseam host
back in 1998-1999 - ish.