" Mark Your Calendar : December"
Airdate : December 4,
Welcome back to the show. December is the most wonderful time of the year ... allegedly.
Here to gudie you through some of the highlights is Ed Helms and Mark Your
Hi, I'm Ed Helms. Normally, on "Mark Your Calendar", we tell you
about all the special days and events in each month, but its December, a month
with only one day to celebrate : Christmas, and its on! Like last night
during the annual Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony that took place at New
York's Rockefeller Center. A star-studded spectular full of pageantry
and excitement you've come to expect from the flipping of a switch!
And Saturday is St. Nicholas day, the fourth century bishop known for his
charity. St. Nicholas is the inspiration of the legend of Santa Claus. Interesting
tidbit, Mrs. Claus is inspired by Shelley Winter's character in The Poseidon
Television is where we get some of our most cherished Christmas images. This
year is no exception! My favorite Christmas special airs on VH1 December 14th.
Detroit boogie, hop hop, and our lord Jesus Christ comes together for a Kid
Rock Christmas! Then, immediately following, stay tuned for VH1's I
Love The Kid Rock Special special! Take a look:
(think of the "I Love The __" specials that run at nauseam on VH1)
Ok, I remember the Kid Rock Christmas Special
from like an hour ago, and it was like Kid Rock, you know, but he had a
Christmas special...and it was awesome.
(back to Ed)
God...where do they dig up these people? Well, I'm Ed Helms, and wishing
you and yours a Merry December-Christmas all month long! Oh! I almost
forgot! Kwanzaa on December 26th, and the 20th through the 27th Hanukah,
which is the perfect time to call all your Jewish friends and wish them a
"Merry Christmas!" only to be reminded that they're Jewish and
they don't celebrate Christmas, because "we don't recognize Jesus
Christ as the messiah". You know what? I don't believe any of that
either*, and it hasn't stopped me from riding that present train straight
to gift town year in year out. Messiah ... that will be the day ...
actually that will be the day ... So, we close the book on another year. I
hope all of yall feel that your calendars have been specifically
marked. I know I do. So, from everyone here at Mark Your Calendar,
(A little montage of TDS Staffers comes on after this. I've made a list of
Producer (January-March) ............ Eliott Kalan
Senior Februarian ..........................Erin Dougherty
Autumnal Ombusdman ....................Ari Fishman
Leap Year Consultants ...................Rich Blomquist , Scott Jacobson
Calendar Marker ............................Jen Flanz
Month Wrangler ............................Eric Drysdale
Payroll.........................................Chris Martin, Karen
Perrine, Dave Blog
Equinox Fluffer...............................Jason Reich
*=mom, dad if you're reading
this, Ed said that. I didn't.
" Comedy Central Presents The Commies"
Airdate : December 7,
(a.k.a. the worst awards show ever)
pretaped awards speech, you can see Ed along with other TDS crew members
accept their award for "funniest variety or talk show". Jon is
making a speech on how the award was a piece of shit, etc, and everyone in
the background is hugging. Ed (wearing his jacket as though he left
immediately after this) gives fellow correspondent Samantha Bee a really big
" Ed Helms' Tips To Beat The Holiday Blues On A Budget"
Airdate : December 8,
The Christmas season is here again, and you know what that means :
crippling depression. So Ed has some cheap ways for us to cheer up.
Step 1 : Therapy
Plenty of people can listen to your problems : including the bored teen at
Best Buy. Ed complains about how his mom made him wear Velcro shoes as a
child due to bad posture.
Step 2: Plenty Of Sunlight
"But I don't have a light box, and I can't afford a trip to Florida,
but I do have this killer strobelight from high school"
Ed sadly has a seizure from the light box, and foams at the mouth as
though he just ate an Alka Seltzer.
Step 3: Medication:
How to get cheap meds : write a threatening letter to the president. Make
sure to use cut out letters from magazines. Seconds after you send off the
letter, you will be whisked of in a van in a straight jacket.
Step 4: Electroshock
Ed does it the cheap (and sexy way) by attaching clips to his tits and
then to a van batter and asking someone to start up the van.
Step 5: Exercise
Everybody loves skipping. Even while waiting for the light to change>
Step 6: Act Like A Jewish Person
Break out the dredel .