" Saving LeBron "
Ed..uh...with this whole situation with what's going on, are you worried
about LeBron James right now?
I am, Jon. I'm worried about all the leeches around him. These people make
me sick. The manager, the publicist, the team of lawyers, the guy
from Adidas, and the homeboy in the powder blue jumpsuit whose job it is to
follow LeBron around, and say "You Da' Man!". Jon, this is one of
the worst leeching jobs I've seen. By allowing LeBron James to get
suspended, they have really dropped the parasite ball. I mean,
really, there's no excuse. These people were riding on a gravy train, and
they broke rule number one: don't spill the gravy.
You don't have a problem with those people exploiting this young man for
their own personal game? You're upset that they've exploited him poorly?
That's exactly right, Jon. They're a blip on the leeching community.
So, Ed, What should they of done? You can't keep a kid under twenty-four
Can't they? Wayne Gretzky was on a seven foot tether until he was
nineteen years old. You think that Mary Kate and Ashley Oleson have never
been allowed to see the light of day? No! That's all done with
Mirrors. If I can just say something to LeBron James: LeBron...the people
you're surrounding yourself with are not your friends. I'm your friend.
Alright! No! That's uh-
I will protect you from these people!
..and I will personally-
...personally hold and protect your money.
NO!!! That's...alright...thank you very much, Ed. That's really...anything
I-I-I think that LeBron should work with me.
Ok, that's fine. (Ed makes a "call me" gesture) we'll be
" Mark Your Calendar :
February is here. It's
short and its length is irregular, hence its nickname; the retarded month!
But I prefer to think of it as the month of months. Starting of course with
black history month. Black history, or blistery, is something I learned
growing up in rural Maine. We had a poster in our classroom, and because of
that; I completely identify with the African American experience in this
our sub-standard public education, February is also spiritual teachers
month. So if your teacher hangs a crucifix on the door, or tells you the
inspiring story of Daniel and the Lions Den, rejoice! Because of the constitutional
separation of church and state; she's so fired!
Do you like
cherries? Well, you'll be happy to know that the cherry marketing institute
has observed February National Cherry Month. Think about it, without
cherries, we'd have to eat just Garcia flavored ice cream. (seizures up)
We all love
hearing, smelling, feeling and tasting, but what about the forgotten sense,
seeing? February is also Low Vision Awareness Month. (screen starts to
get blurry). Low Vision is no laughing matter. (screen gets more
blurry) it impairs your ability to drive at night, and it could be a
sign of impending cataracts. (screen gets even more blurry) or even glaucoma.
now, if you're suffering from low vision-(screen returns to normal)
I'm sorry! (laughs) Got ya! February is actually f--k with people and
make them think they have low vision month!
is a month of months. And there is one special day: Valentines Day on the
fourteenth. I know its still a way off, but I can't just wait. Janice, if
you're watching, will you make me the happiest man in the world-and get out
of my apartment!? Yes! I said it! For Mark Your Calendar, I'm Ed Helms.
" He Brought Anthrax!! "
..he joins us down there [The U.N] now. I'm sure its very chilly, thanks for
joining us. Ed, let me ask you, what was the overall reaction (audience
can't stop laughing at Ed's still hair) by the way, amazing how your
hair doesn't respond to the wind, but lemmie ask you this-(audience can't
A lot of spray, a lot of spray.
A lot of spray...what is the overall reaction from down there?
Jon, the word here in any language for what happened here today is awesome.
I think the ambassador from Mongolia spoke for everybody when he said,
quote, 'Holy Shit! Dude! Is that anthrax?! Colin [Powell] you are a madman!'
So, Powell's appearance created a lot of excitement?
Jon, he brought an 8-ball of anthrax onto the floor of the United Nations.
Do you think his evidence was convincing enough to persuade the security
Well, the British delegation felt the presentation was very powerful. Now,
France and Germany, they're on the fence, they're not fully convinced about
this. And the Iraqi delegation, if you can believe it; seemed to think the
whole thing was a fabrication.
How did the U.S. Delegation take that?
Well, I think they were hurt. They worked really hard on this presentation.
A lot of these guys stayed in the office all weekend, and to have someone
say they made it up is mean, even for a despit.
Ed, ultimately, what do you think is going to be the result?
Well, I don't know how its going to affect war with Iraq, but I'll tell you
one thing, he has really raised the bar for UN presentations, I mean he
brought anthrax! The dude is crazy!
" Digital Watch With Ed
Welcome back to the show. As we all know, technology has greatly simplified
our lives in one way or another. Our existence has little if no meaning.
Here to show the latest in tech. news, views, and advice, is The Daily Show
I am NOT a geek!
Ed Helms in Digital Watch.
One of the best things about computers is that they give you incredibly easy
access to a variety of media. I like to say that owning a computer is like
having your very own TV with a built in radio. It's called multimedia, and
while that may sound like crazy future-talk; its really quite simple. Today,
I'll show you just how easy it is to download or get all kinds of
online entertainment, from music (Toto song [Rosanna] plays in the background)
to video, and movie clips (shows video for aforementioned Toto song).
To-to! All it takes is a multimedia player. One of the best is called Real
Player, and getting it couldn't be easier. Let's say I have a movie I want
to download--could be porn--, anyway, all I need to do is visit the Real
Player site. Of course, you could pay $19.95 for the premium version, but
there's also a free version that's perfect for people who's ex-girlfriend
ran off with my credit card. Just click here, and we're downloading. (hums
Toto song) You know what? While we're waiting, I can tell you the URL
ok? That is the uh...web-thingy that you uh...type in. Ok, I got it right
here (reads off paper) www-dot-r-e-a-l-dot-com, slash, real one
player, dot-html, question-mark, p, p, equals, ampersand, equals,
one-one-one-percent sign, underscore, two. Ok, let's say we check on that
download. Ok, ninety-two percent to go, we are truckin' ! (giggles).
Stuff takes a little while sometimes. Luckily, I have real player pre-loaded
on this other machine right here. So, here we go! We're ready to watch some
digital video! And we're buffering! What is buffering God Damnit! I just
downloaded...ok, well, one thing you might want to do, which I've done, is
have a pre-buffered digital video clip qued up and ready to go on the third
machine right here, and its a Quicktime file! F--k me!
Ed, lets just wrap it up, Ed.
Sure! Ok, well, anyway, as you can see, playing media on your computer isn't
just easy, its incredibly time consuming! Well, that's all for today,
and if you still have any questions, you can e-mail me at (looks at third
machine) uh...it's frozen!! You know what?! Just write me a damn letter!
Attn: Ed Helms
513 W. 54th St.
New York, New York, 10019.*
Can we get a
tech. guy in here? Where's Wally?
*interesting tidbit: That's actually TDS' real 'fan mail' address. I thought
it sounded familiar when Ed said it during the segment.
" Pain In The
There's a certain 2% of Americans who live in ghettos with moats around
their fenced neighborhoods. These people are called the rich. Ed went to Florida
in his elephant hunter vest to check it out. The only thing that separates
these people from the 98-precenters is a guy named Raul who tries to keep
everything secure. There's this one guy who's so scared that he built a
"moat" around his million dollar palace so he could be kept safe
from the rest of us. Ed Helms is the first 'rest of us' person to be allowed
here. He gets a complementary glass of brandy, and asks about a screened in
room that "keeps the bugs out" (you know what that means), the
full-hose down bioterror room (with its own hand held shower massage), and the
ladies bathroom with the bidet ("I still don't know what they do with
98-percenter spies are everywhere, searching and inspecting everything, but
to what end? Ed takes a visit to their headquarters - which uses the name
"The Salvation Army" as a cover-up-but you can buy some really
cool t-shirts for like fifty cents) Ed gets to try out the combat gear such
as old man on vacation shirts for camouflage, and stuffed hound dogs and
candy dishes for ammo.
But back to
the hoity-toity elite people. They're getting ready for war by marching
around, going to arts and crafts classes on Mondays, Wednesdays, and
Fridays, and getting knees and ankles replaced. The only way these people
can win is by sea in their fancy boats with secret compartments:
Ed: (on boat) A secret compartment?
Man: Ice chest! You gotta have ice!
" Ad Nauseam :
Drugs Are Bad "
The Whitehouse's National Drug Control Policy released a series of dramatic
new commercials aimed to getting teenagers to put down their joints, and
pipes, and bongs, and hitters, and hookas (sp?)
- have you ever seen a
hooka? It's awesome! It's like an octopus with arms, and everything else,
especially when you're - these ads are the latest in a long tradition of
anti-drug advertising that includes some of America's best known campaigns.
Who could forget this classic?
(shows the 'this is your brain on drugs' frying pan ad)
I'll tell you who could forget this ad : a pothead, that's who! This image
is far too subtle for the target audience of drug users, and that's why
recent drug ads apply more direct tactics, and aren't afraid to name names:
(shows a sad ad. I won't' really go into detail)
ok, we know where this is going. Guilt is a total buzzkill. And that's why
ads like Dan and Stacey have such impact, but maybe you're one of a small
minority of drug users for whom supporting foreign drug cartels eight levels
removed from your life seems too abstract, and the medical experts at the
National Anti-Drug Office has one more trick up their sleeve:
(shows another sad ad in which a stoned kid shoots another with a left
This is an astonishingly effective ad - for gun control! I mean, parents,
you leave a loaded pistol in an unlocked drawer with teenagers around?! What
are you? High?! The Office Of Drug Control Policy ads work because they show
young people the real consequences of using drugs. They take a serious
topic, and treat it in an equally sobering way. I commend them. Let's leave
the fun and frivolity for commercials for a harmless product with only positive
(shows a beer ad with people at a parody, and these guys kind of chase a
girl around at the party)
So, remember kids (lifts up a bottle of beer, and uses it to point at the
screen) just say no to drugs (takes a swig) any questions?
Keeping Tally : This is the second time Ed's "drank" a beer during
This segment is in the episode that is in the 2003 TDS Emmy "For Your
" That's More
Than Roker Gets "
February 18, 2003
...we're going to take you out to our Senior Meteorologist Ed Helms who is
live out in Central Park, wow, what a weekend (the audience can't stop
applauding and 'wooing')...that's more than Roker gets, I'll tell you that.
Tell us, what's going on out there?
Jon, this cowardly, terrorist attack cripple most of the city. These
bastards have hit us with what appears to be some sort of hexagonal crystalline
mystery powder. Most of it white, some of it yellow; all of it horrifyingly
Ed, are you suggesting that the storm was an deliberate attack?
No, Jon. It all just (sarcastically) fell from the sky. We're on the
brink of war with Iraq, Osama Bin Laden released a new tape, and moist gulf
air just happened to meet up with a Canadian high.
Well, who do you think is responsible for this?
Well, that's the question, Jon. Scientists have examined literarily millions
of these crystals, and whoever designed them somehow managed to make each
one slightly different. That makes tracking them virtually impossible. I, myself,
took some of the powder to run some tests, but by the time I returned to the
lab, the sample had decomposed into some kind of water-like broth. It was gone!
Ed, I think you're overreacting.
Am I? Or are you under-reacting?! I wouldn't be surprised if the third
Monday in February is a day we memorialized every year.
It already is, Ed. It's President's Day.
Is it, Jon? And to think, no one saw this coming.
Ed, they've been forecasting this for a week.
Noone...from Command And Control Center for The Daily Show, I'm Ed Helms...(singing)
da-da da-da DA-DA!!
" Banned Aid "
February 19, 2003
We're just going to sweep this one under the
rug very quietly.