January 8, 2003
December is over, leaving us in the joyless netherworld that is January.
But, despair not, because if you look hard enough you'll find that this
month is filled with many exciting festivities, events, occasions, and
even happenings. In fact, the entire month of January is Clinical Trial
Awareness Month. If you wake up strapped to a gurney with a pressure
sleeve on your penis, and your unlabeled IV drip only makes you think of
Candy and/or invisible midgets, you are taking part in a clinical trial.
And, for this month only, be aware of it.
fifth though the twelfth - why that's right now - is 'Someday We'll Laugh
About This Week'. It's sponsored by Joel Goodman of the Humor Institute,
and he holds a doctorate in 'Look At Me! Look At Me! I named a week!
marks the 140th anniversary of the birthday of Edgar Helms, who developed
the philosophy and organized that is became Goodwill Industries. I'm not
sure if I'm related to him, for you see, I'm a bastard.
course, all of this is a prelude for the thirtieth: January's grand finale:
Inane Answering Machine Day! Started by Thomas and Ruth Roy of Lebanon, Pennsylvania.
I've got mine all set. Take a listen:
This is Ed, and Mrs. Patches! Say hi, Mrs. Patches! Meow Meow
Meow Meow Meow! That's an excellent question, Mrs. Patches! I
don't know who's calling us! Maybe they'll leave a message! Meow
Meow Meow Meow? Have a mice day!" (beep)
that message for six years now...happy January, everybody!
" F---ing Dick
Van Dyke, Man! "
lose your keys to your relatively hot mother-in-law's house, and you
really need to get in the house, and then you remembered that you watched
the movie "Mary Poppins" a few nights before, and you thought:
"I could go down that chimney!"
Well, for 35 year old "youngster" Mark Vaughn, he was wrong...
What triggered 'I'm going to jump in a chimney?'
I seen this movie Mary Poppins a few weeks ago....
What were you thinking when you got caught in the chimney?
A bunch of things...like-
Was it like, 'woah, that was probably not a good thing to do.'
expect its 35 year olds to distinct fact from fiction>? Where was his
hot mommy-in-law? She doesn't blame her self for her son-in-laws tomfoolery.
Ed also asks an expert on what exactly are the things that Mary Poppins
does that is fantasy. One of the things the expert mentions is breaking
into song in a middle of a conservation. Ed's reply:
beg to differ...I think that people break into song all the time...with
talks to an anonymous Disney rep. (with large mouse-like ears and sounds
like a bad Michael Jackson impersonator). The rep. just wants the kids to
be happy and have fun. Ed says that it seems like a lot of people are
getting hurt. Mick-er, the rep. lashes out with a remark about some kids
not being his.
But back to
What were you thinking when you got out?
Like I was f---ing Dick Van Dyke, man....
" Ad Nauseam:
Happy Cows "
Effective commercial advertising is all about creating a fantasy in which
your dreams of your ideal world become a reality. A world where you can
see a teddy bear come to life, and soften your fabric, or a professional
athlete come to your door and install high-speed internet access. Or
something as far-fetched and inconceivable as a family happy eating
Here, the California Milk Advisory Board presents a storybook existence
for the animals that produce our favorite cheeses.
(shows ad of two cows "talking" about what makes them so
It's an image that makes you want to consume massive quantities of the curdled,
bacteria-infused, byproduct extracted from their teats! But, see, there
are those that take issue with advertisers that distort reality to sell
their products. PETA argues that idealizing a cow's life is wrong,
and released a video-taped response to the cow ad to show actual dairy
farm conditions are nowhere near where advertisers would have you to
believe. Man, I had no idea what a horrible existence cows have, and to be
honest, I didn't really care. I just wanted some f---ing cheese, man! But
that's PETA, in your face, controversial, and even if they never really influenced
the way people treated animals, they have done some interesting
In this one, a rouge turkey takes over a supermarket full of customers
hostage, and threatens to brutally torture and kill them:
Attention, shoppers! Do exactly what I say, and nobody gets hurt. Innocent
victims will be beaten, scalded alive, and their throats will be slit.
I guess he's a member of Al-cluck-a! (laughs, and then makes a grimace
to the poor audience reaction)
If you know what's good for you, you'll meet my only demand: go
Do you get it, people? Do you see what PETA is trying to tell us? We gotta
start killing the turkeys before they kill us! Mmm...preemptive
strike. Come to think of it, its only a matter of time before those
talking cows take matters into their own hooves. Revenge is a dish best
served medium rare...Jon?
"Ed Helms Freaks Out At The
Burning Man Festival. Hear His Harrowing Tale Of Twirling Around With A Woman
Named Greenbean " ["Jon" Magazine Ad]
January 22, 2003
above sentence (the sentence in the really big font) That's
basically what happened. No need for more explanation.
swamps a small creature called the Nutria is telling greenhouse gases,
pollution, and environmental degradation to 'bring it on, biach!"
During the last seventy years while man was ruining the planet, the Nutria
population has been growing, and ruining the planet right along with us. A
hoity-toity expert says that the Nutria population is a nightmare, and
that's why they have to 'dispose' of them. These buck-toothed fuzzy things
have wandered in peoples yards, and are fighting the family pets for food.
During the experts explanation, Ed's thoughts wander off, and states that
everyone loves seeing them scamper around. The expert tries to get though
Ed's head that the Nutria is killing the ecosystem in Louisiana, but Ed
just gets too distracted by the cute little buggers. ("Hi, little
guy!"). The woman finally gets so frustrated, and says in her
best Kindergarden-teacher tone:
you listened to anything I've said?!"
Ed also talks
to a "Doctor Innards", and the "doctor" explains what
the Nutria gives back to us after destroying everything. Why, he's a walking
department store! The little Nutria's give us their teeth for jewelry, their
fur for purses, and he even gives his own back legs for food!
says all the Nutria does is "eat and screw". ("Eat and screw?
Why, that's the American Dream! He should be on the one-hundred dollar
bill!") That's a lesson we all could use! Sadly Ed tries this tactic in
the TDS offices, and gets coffee tossed on him by a female co-worker.
("All of God's creatures could benefit from a little more f---ing!")
" Ad Nauseam:
Superbowl Ads "
Super Sunday is without a
question the most important day of the year for advertisers, and of an
audience of over a half billion viewers worldwide, you might even call it
the Stanley Cup of advertising. Last night's commercials spared no expense
employing today's top celebrities, the latest in digital wizardry, and of
course some slide-splitting comedy that you'll be talking about all year
long. So, are you ready for some adver-ta-sments! Let's get things started
with a classic:
shows some plain, yet informative financial ad for a banking place of
Ok...that isn't the best one. But there was plenty of highlights.
According to a poll at USA Today, America's favorite advertisement was one
for Budweiser in which a zebra referee checks an instant replay in a
football game between Clydesdales. Actually, I missed that one. I was taking
a leak...Budweiser... Another popular ad was for a sugar beverage
called....Pepsi? Let's hope this puts them on the map:
shows Osbourne ad. We've all seen it, Osbourne kids turn into the Osmonds
Irrespirable! Who among us wouldn't rush out and buy a Pepsi if
they knew it would make the Obournes disappear?
Special effects were featured prominently in many of this years most
memorable ads. Gatorade used cutting-edge technology to answer a question on
every sport fan's mind: if new Michael Jordan played old Michael Jordan how
many cases of Gatorade would they drink? The answer? Enough to have it come
out of their heads!
Last night's ads also had plenty for the animal lovers. Like a guy who gets
bitten in the year by a crab, a guy who gets bitten on the nuts by a
squirrel, and a dog who almost causes its owner a severe spinal cord injury.
These unforgettable ads for...uh...um...I can't believe that guy got bitten
in the nuts! All this was a prelude to the evening's most artistic, and in
my humble opinion; best commercial which is delivered by Levi's. A herd of
bison stampede from the rugged wilderness to a surreal city scene that's
void of human existence, expect for these two lonely wanders, in which all
fear dissolves as they embrace the power of these majestic animals. I have
no idea what that was all about! I don't get it!
That's ok, Ed.
This is my job! I'm the advertising guy! I'm supposed to know this stuff!
But I do know one thing: those two should of been trampled.