" Mark Your
Calendar : March "
Hi! Since New Years,
you've spent two months pretending to be a better person. But, now, its
March! The month to say 'f--k it!' And there's no better place to say that
than Mardi Gras, which cumulated on Tuesdays. Revelers from around the world
descended on New Orleans to engage in the kind of behavior worthy of a town
that's below sea level. Mardi Gras - you'll come for the occasional nipple
glance, you'll stay for the public urination arraignment.
And what better way to sober up afterward than to tediously tracing back
your ancestors than Genealogy Day, March eighth. After hours of pouring over
documents at the country registry, I've traced my family history back to
(shows a family tree of the Helms family. It's just Ed's mom and dad, and
then a bunch of question marks)
After that it gets a little fuzzy. Heck, I could be the messiah.
A scant three days later is Johnny Appleseed day. It may sound like a day to
celebrate the porn industry, but its actually a chance to remember John
Chapman, America's favorite apple planting drifter! And you get to wear a
pan as a hat, which is a hoot.
Finally, the end of March brings a very significant commeration : the
thirtieth marks the 160th anniversary of the first use of anesthetics in
surgery. No surprise, that March thirty-first is the same anniversary of the
first time your roommate's friend knew this guy that woke up with a sore
ass, and a jar of ether at his bedside table. Dude, I swear its true.
I'm Ed Helms, and I'll see you in April.
" Ad Nauseam :
As much as I hate to
admit it, our dear old lady advertising sometimes crosses the line between
good and bad taste. Take a recent ad for the Quiznos sandwich chain that has
animal rights activists just ably outraged. In the commercial, jolly,
rolly-polly...ok, fat sandwich maker Jimmy becomes so focused on his work he
tragically lets his pet parakeet die! (clip shows in the background)
Right there! Take a look at it again! Look at that! For upwards of 4.5 to
4.75 seconds, we are subjected to a horrific image of motionless!
Quizno's isn't alone. This recent monster-dot-com spot depicts an unemployed
truck driver and the out of control rig that he should of been driving. The
ad has incurred the wrath of truckers concerned that they're being portrayed
as irresponsible. A responsible ad would of featured a small disclaimer
indicating this was a a humorous depiction of catastrophic destruction. Then
we could of enjoyed it without upsetting the gentle of the men who killed
Now, in the past, advertising has never made the mistake of raising anyone's
hackles. (shows old politically incorrect ads in the background). Old
time ads put forth wholesome, unassaible images all Americans could identify
with. No one was offended by these old home-spun icons of the old
Now to be fair, there are times when so-called "controversial" ads
are much ado about nothing. (shows the infamous beer ads where two skanks
fight in bikinis). Critics - many of them chicks - say this ad is
offensive to women. Wha-what is offensive about babes this hot? Plus, if
these humorless PC vagathugs stuck around and watched the whole ad, they
would see another layer:
(shows another clip of ad)
Asshole guy at bar: Now that would make a good commercial!
See? They acknowledge that they're degrading women. And by acknowledging
they're degrading women, they're not actually degrading women. Plus, its an effective
commercial that really makes you want to f--k that beer - both of
(audience doesn't know what to do, a couple of people clap, and some just
don't know what to do)
Thank you Ed....
" Embed Helms "
Our own Ed Helms - Embed Helms as we call him, is one of them. He is
embedded in lets say Kuwait city. Let's go to him now. Ed, can you hear
(Ed's movements are as herky-jerkey as Celine Dion at one of her
Jon, I'm -ere at a -orward posistion -ased just here within the restricted
Why are you moving like that, all herky-jerky? You're on satellite, not
Right. I just thought .... I'm sorry.
Ed, what can you tell us about what's happening over there?
Well, Jon, at some point in the near future, although I can't disclose
exactly when I'm going to travel with our forces from the restricted zone to
the border zone into the de-militarized zone, and then onto the southern
no-fly zone. If there's anything we've learned on day one of this conflict
is that Iraq is rich in zones. Jon?
Ed, talk to us a little about the troops you're embedded with. What kind of
action do you think they'll be seeing? You as well.
Jon, as you know it takes all kinds of different responsibilities to organize
the type of military action the U.S. is undertaking. It's not ally
Right, right. So...
I'm just saying that a lot of the important work goes unrecognized.
I understand that, Ed.
Jon, I'm with the third Latrine and Urinal Brigade. The Fighting
I'm sorry, Ed?
I'm with the unit responsible for the portable human excrement disposal, or
Ed, we sent you to be with the 101st Airborne.
Yeah, but that would of been dangerous. I mean, for me, personally. See, the
guys in the 101 are tough, brave. And that's just not my style.
Are you going to have any information for us?
I will, Jon. I'm just going to have to wait for our boys to come back here
to go to the bathroom. Then I'll try to catch them as they're ... washing
On Traveling To Other Countries" (Or as I Like to Call it : "Ed Does
"feary" days, its virtually impossible for Joe/Jane American to
have an enjoyable vacation in a foreign country. In lieu of this, Ed offers
some travel tips to get the most out of your vacation:
Tip #1 : Be Courteous
"Getting your host to warm up to you is easy if you learn a few catchphrases."
(Ed tells a female bartender [in German] that she has a nice rack.)
Tip #2: Learn Their Ways (They Love That S--t)
"If you're going to France make sure you blend in ..."
by doing mime.
Tip #3: Dress Appropriately:
Tip #4: Know When To Go.
"If you're planning on visiting an Islamic country, the best time to go
is ... 1918."
Tip #5: Know Where To Go.
"The State Department can alert you on which regions have anti-American
(Ed looks at a world map that gets redder and redder [red = anti-American
sentiments] and the only place that isn't red is Texas] )
"...so Texas it is then..."
Ending Credits : More outtakes of Ed doing mime.
Needless to say, it
turned me on a bit.
War A Chance" (Or as I would like to call it " Celebrities Should
Shut Up And Stop Being Such Douchebags") "
are always telling us
what to do, and what not to do, and trying to stop things like that war over
there. (well, they didn't get their way that time) How can we say no to celebrities
like "that guy"? ("What was he in?!") David Bosse says
that the Government can't respond to everything celebrities
want to do. It takes almost all the government's resources to keep the
Baldwins (including Ira - the one they don't want to talk about ) out of DC
already! Ed hits the streets to find out how average people like that young
guy with the beard from that new movie, or that girl who won an Oscar, or
that guy who was on Watching Ellie and some piddily show on cable called The
Daily Show with Some Guy. (I stopped subscribing to People magazine in 2001
- how am I supposed to know their names?) Bossie says that we have to be
afraid of B-list celebrities
Ed: Would you object to a celebrity
such as a Tina Youthers or a Richard Greco coming out against the war?
Bossie: I didn't know who the first one was, but I do know how Richard Greco
is of course, 21 Jump Street.
Ed: Or as I like to call it 21 Awesome Street!
We must find a way to combat the celebrity
menace. Ed has a way : a benefit song sung by celebrities
Ed plays a line with a dollar store keyboard for Bosse:
o/`Shut up, celebrities
shut up, stop being such a douche bag! o/`
Ed got some of his closest friends together (including the whole 'cast' of
the 80's hit "We Are The World" - and they were even nice enough
to wear the same exact outfits they wore that night the recorded the song
and filmed the video!) And that's when the magic happened...
The little things you may of
missed (kind of) : In the preview for this story there was a clip of Ed,
Janeane Garofalo, and some guy (he looked
familiar, anyone know who he was?) in a deli, and the guy was trying to
make up his mind on what to order, and Janeane was standing next to him
muttering 'turkey wrap'. Ed was standing next to her with a look like
"well, I'm a celebrity, why aren't you asking me? I'm on tv, I was in
an ad with a race car driver, why aren't you asking for my opinion?"
Notes : The first few times I saw this story, I thought that Ed and his
"friends" were singing "Celebrities Should Stop Being
Such A Douchebag". I think this is a sign of my impending hearing