" Banned Aid "
Synopsis never made.
Race From The Whitehouse
Ed, why don't you talk to us about your thoughts on the democrats first big
Well, Jon with so many candidates in the debate, its hard to pick a
forerunner, but I did think Liberman did well, and um ... Senator from Mass.
... Uh ... Uh ..
Yeah! That's the guy! He scored some big points with his health care plan.
And you gotta admire than guy taking it right to strident character actor
I'm going to guess you're talking about Bob Graham and Dennis Krasmitch
Sure. I guess.
Ed, what about John Edwards? The debate was held in South Carolina, Senator
Edwards is from North Carolina, any partiality toward the crowd?
Edwards .... Oh! Handsome Guy! Everyone was way into that guy. If looks
could vote, there's your nominee, Jon.
Ed, did any of these candidates make any impression on you?
Well, not individually, but I'm one man here, Jon, and at last count
there was 43 candidates on that stage.
There was nine!
Ok, 43, nine, what matters is that's more than two, which is a debate number
most Americans can get their heads around. I mean, sure as a reporter I cold
of taken the time to learn the candidates names, studied their positions,
what they stand for, but at the end of the day, 8/9th of that research is
going to be for Jack-Off Squat. I mean, Carol Mosley Brawn? Life's too short
Full Metal Jack-It "
Are all care packages getting through to our military? Ed finds out that
instead of cases of porno for our brave troops, they've been getting cases
of toothpaste instead. These packages were supposed to show that we care for
their "packages", but "anti-troop" goody two-shoe family
groups have been barring our solders from getting these tapes. He says that
they're bad and oh-so wrong:
Ed: Why are you against a video that instructs our troops how to make
Two-shoe : If a man needs a tape to learn how to make love to a woman, than
he has a serious problem.
(Ed looks uncomfortable)
How could someone object to a natural emotion between a man and a woman ...
and another woman and a pool guy and possibly a horse?
Ed tries to figure out why this man is so riled up over shirtless, pizza
delivery men, music with heavy bass, and them two making love.
He says its immoral.
So, for now the videotapes are now stuck in a Las Vegas warehouse, waiting
for when the troops come home. But Ed walked off with about 250 reminders on
why America is so great.
Ed, I Have No Idea What You're
Talking About "
Our Senior Terrorist Expert, Ed Helms is in Seattle, (very close to Rob
Corddry apparently) Ed, can you describe the scene there?
It has been an incredible twenty-four hours here, Jon. This was the scene
(shot of fake dirty bomb going off is shown)
The Simulated Seattle Bombing. It's an event that would of been seared in
our national conscience. It would of been an image upsetting to anyone who happened
upon it. Let's take another look:
(footage is shown again)
Yes, this reporter would of been in quite a lot of danger, reporting from
the scene, witnessing acts of heroism, perhaps even participating in one, a
career forged in tragedy, a reputation forever burned in the minds of
Ed, I have no idea what you're talking about. This is in Seattle, it's a
drill, a test for preparedness of first responders.
Look, the press has to be prepared as well, okay? If this kind of attack
were to occur, I would not want to come across as callous and uncaring, but
rather concerned, rattled, but courageously working through it, and
that takes practice. I mean, you can't just stumble upon a disaster scene
and nail it.
Ed, if God forbid something happen, why couldn't you act naturally like any
human being would?
Yeah, that would be a great idea if I wanted to stay in cable for the rest
of my life, Jon! Reporting from the hypothetical catastrophe, this is
Ed Helms saying:
Digital Watch : Identity Theft
Hi! I'm Ed Helms, and today on Digital Watch, I want to talk about
Identity Theft. Now let's say you woke up one morning with money left on
your back account, and a six-thousand dollar phone bill for something called
The Anal Zoo. Well, chances are is that someone broke into your computer,
and stolen your identity. Identity theft is a growing problem in cyberspace,
but you can protect yourself with a few simple steps I've prepared using a PowerPoint
presentation. Let's take a look:
(Ed giggles) I'm very good at PowerPoint...First things first, many
of today's hip web surfers like shopping online, leading us to rule number
'Watch Out Where You ..... CHAAARRRRGGGEEE!' (it's a bull...) When you shop
online, you have to give out your credit card number. Now, I happen to not
have a credit card at this time in my life, but those of you trusted by
financial institutions need to make sure the site is encrypted for your
protection. It's very easy to find out. Look in the lower left corner, this
'lock' icon means the site is secure. This 'unlocked' icon means that the
connection is not secure. And this 'flaming skull' icon means someone has
already hacked your computer, and is draining my funds as we speak. That's
... uh ... you want to steer clear from the flaming skull. The next way to
steer clear from identity thieves is to be smart about your password:
A good password is all that stands between you and someone else being
you. So, when you choose one, don't go for the obvious, like your name or
birthday. Pick one you can remember, but no one else can guess. Just don't
use 'Spongecake31' because that one is taken - by someone, not me, I , I
would never give out my password ... on television. Oh, dammit! You people
are quick! Finally, don't ever use e-mail ever! That's how the
bastards get in, okay? Pretending to be your friend, or saying they love
you, do you really need a lower mortgage, or a larger penis? Do what normal
people do - call your friends on the phone! Jesus! So ... take our advice,
and you'll make sure the only person calling Anal Zoo is you. For Digital
Watch, I'm Ed Helms. (looks at computer) actually, looks like
someone else is Ed Helms for now. Jon?
Ed! They applauded! They thought you were giving good advice!
VH1 All Access : Awesomely Bad
Ed is one of the interviewees in this hour long special about celebrities
On Metallica cutting their hair in 1996:
had long hair, they cut it all off, and if you have a problem about that,
then you suck because Metallica rocks!!"
On Rosie O'Donnel
cutting her hair short a-la-A Flock Of Seagulls:
came out of the closet, God Bless Her, that took a lot of courage, and her
haircut took a lot more courage. "
On Trent Lott's
"Old Skool" look:
Lott has the same hairstyle he had in the 1950's, which is perfect because
he still has the same belief system he had in the 1950's."
On Body Hair:
hair is like drinking. It's fine in moderation."
On Facial Hair:
hair on a man enhances the 'hunkiness factor' . I give you Tom Sellick's
mustache. However, if you move that mustache up into the forehead region,
you're looking at trouble."
On Joey Lawrence's
Lawrence's eyebrows have gotten smaller and smaller over the years, now its
an interesting thing, because Joey's career has gotten bigger and bigger ...
no, wait ..."
On Michael Jackson's
Jackson doesn't really have hair. What he has is a rate lemur that sits on
top of his head."
On Mr. T's Trademark
think in the case with Mr. T, is that hair is like the perfect distillation
of his personality. Bad Attitude Baracus"
On being bald:
decisive factor is the shape of your head. If you have a cool head then