" Last Call "
Airdate : November 3, 2003
People may think that
Nebraska is known for its corn, but that was in the past. Now instead of
cornfields popping up, there are telemarketing establishments popping up where
K-Marts and grocery stores used to be. Ed speaks to one of the up starters of
the telemarketing boom in Nebraska ("are you the head of this companyhold?")
He says that the reason why Nebraska is a telemarketing capital is because
Nebraskans are "nice people", and the strangers on the other end
respond to this:
"they call us lazy, and to get off our buts and get a real job" says
a "hot" telemarketer by the name of Marisa. Ed cheers her up by
doing a little bit of role playing:
Marisa : Ring Ring, Ring Ring, Ring Ring?
But this airless, small cubicle existence could all change because of the Do
Not Call List supporter Bob Bullmash gets his way. He uses the well-worn joke
of "they should be called tele-nnoyers. Ed has a rebuttal to Bullmash's
What exit do
you take on your way home? Because I wonder where you GET OFF!
trying to protect the hot telemarketer girl so she won't lose her job, and
it looks like she's going to be safe because Bullmash uses unsolicited
phone calls to recruit members. Ed tells him off:
telemarketing, buddy! You know what? I'd like a large order of bull mash
with a side of hypocrisy fries!
" This Week In Justice "
Airdate : November 11, 2003
It's an extremely busy week for our nation's court systems. You could even say
that that our courts are clogged with crap. To help us sort through it,
we turn to our Senior Legal Correspondent, Ed Helms with This Week In Justice.
Now, Ed, lemmie talk to you, what's on the legal docket this week?
'Little bit of everything. In fact, its the biggest November sweeps since the
O.J Trial. Take you pick, Jon : murder, sexual assault, more murder,
little breech of contract perhaps...
Breech of contract doesn't sound very interesting...
By a famous lesbian?
Alright, why don't we talk about the Malvo case. That seems to be fairly
So, you're a sniper fan....interesting...the trial of alleged D.C. sniper John
Malvo is in full swing this week, and its a hot ticket. Unfortunately, there
are no cameras allowed in the courtroom, but I've got an exclusive preview of
the camera angles the networks will be using. ABC will be reporting from
directly in front of the court. CNN has placed their cameras two feet to the
left, but the big winner is CBS whose lenses will be focused several yards to
the right, putting them almost eight feet closer than anyone else--close
enough to smell the evil.
That's great Ed about the angles, what about the case? Where do
you see that headed?
Unfortunately, I see it heading to cancellation. It's a bad week to be an
alleged sniper on trial, because America loves Rosie! This intriguing case has
pushed Malvo off the radar! As O'Donnel's former magazine publishers is suing
her for breech of contract. Jon, there's a lot to like about this trial : big
money, the glamour of the magazine world...and a tyrannical she beast! Unfortunately,
cameras have not been allowed in that courtroom either, but I do have
exclusive previews of the courtroom sketches. Notice the bold, confident line
of the robust use of color, the hyperrealist perspective challenges the viewer
to reconsider the very notion of guilt or innocence. Now compare it to this
sketch from the Malvo trial:
the portions are all wrong! You get no sense of the inner Malvo! But all this
is prologue to this weeks' main event The cookout in Colorado! The Denver Dust
Off! The...Rocky Mountain Rape Trial! And TV Cameras will be allowed when the
NBA superstar Kobe Bryant heads back to Co. Thursday, when the judge will
formally read him his rights in a pre-trial formality. Look for 'round the
clock coverage of that!
Ed, if that is just a formality, why 'round the clock coverage?
A lot can happen during these pretrial formalities. Kobe could stand up in the
middle, and scream "guilty!
guilty! I'm guilty I say! I beg for your mercy!"
Has that ever happened before?
Mmm...no, but what if Kobe were to shed his pants and shout "
I could have have not assaulted that woman your honor, for I am a eunuch!"
That would be a
shame to miss out on a moment like that.
There's no real news in any of this, is there?
No...real cases make my brain hurt.
" Kerrey "
Airdate : November 12, 2003
The kids are clearly itching for some analysis about this situation.
For Kerry to fire his campaign manager this far into the process, that's quite
a serious problem, is it not?
It is, Jon, but its an essential move for this troubled, troubled campaign.
It's been mismanaged from the day John Kerry announced his candidacy in
Jon, there are only two key
details in that sign, name and the year. They got them both wrong. Now
things didn't get better. Once Howard Dean emerged as the man to beat,
Kerry's people wanted to sh ow that their man had attitude too, but this
was not the right move:
Punching a baby? I mean, punching
a baby?! I can't speak for the rest of America, but I think that's
So in your opinion, candidates shouldn't punch babies?
No, Jon. Punching a baby has never gotten anybody elected. Except for
Taft, but those were different times. People thought babies were evil.
That they were always staring at them, looking for weaknesses.
Ed, people never thought that. Your examples are damning, and I commend
you on your imagination, and your photoshop, but clearly those things
never happened, in fact his campaign hasn't been that mismanaged.
Ok, what do you want me to say? That the firing of his staffers was purely
cosmetical? That Kerry himself has ran a poor campaign, that he inspires
no passion, that he looks like he's decomposing before your very eyes!
That every time he opens his mouth you expect him to say 'brains! must
eat brains!' Is that what you want, Jon? Because I won't do it.
" Make Sure You Don't Pinch Your Nipples "
Airdate : November 13, 2003
Ed, thanks for joining us. Talk to me baby*! What's the latest at the filibuster?
Well, Jon, its now hour twel-twenty five of the filibuster, and I would like
to introduce a motion to crack open a window. Good God! What
died in this senate?! What's worse is the partisan rancor is ramping up, and
its getting ugly. I just saw Barbara Boxer (D. California) napping under some
newspapers, and Senator Mitch McConnel (R. Kentucky) dipped her hand in warm
water. You expect that kind of thing in the House, but come on!
What about the particulars of this filibuster? Is there anything notable being
Not really. Each Senator is only talking for an half hour each, and that's
nothing. Back in 1957, Strom Thurmond filibustered for 24 hours over the Civil
Rights Act. People who were there said that by hour 21, they almost denied
black's civil rights just to make him shut the hell up! Now that's
Now, Ed, what are the ideological underpinnings of this filibuster?
None. This is nothing but an exercise in tit for tat, showing that each side
can be just as big of a dick as the other:
(in falsetto, old timey voice)
"Oh! I'm a Democrat! I'm going to block your nominations! Well, I'm going
to block your blocking of the nominees! I'm Ted Kennedy! I have
I'm sorry, Jon. I'm so tired.
I know you're 25 hours into this, Ed, but try to stay strong.
Yeah, not much to look forward to. In a few hours, Kay Bailey Hutchinson
(R. Texas) is going to read from Good Night Moon. I look forward to
hearing her partisan spin on that timeless classic.
*there's something very disconcerting when Jon refers to Ed as
" Who Are The Daily Show? (22 minute correspondent special)"
Airdate : November 24, 2003
In this special, the correspondents reveal their backgrounds (but don't
say the word "background" around Stephen Colbert)
Ed On Rob Corddry:
Rob brings … awkward energy into any situation. You can’t ignore
him when he’s in a room with you. If you’re watching something
funny on TV for example, he laughs, but then he’ll look back at
you to see if you’re laughing at it. And um … its very creepy.
Ed On Ed:
When I do something, I give it at least 90 over 110%. Mostly more. I would
say that I give 110% over 90%.
Ed’s a hard worker. And that means something around here. Sometimes we
reward him with a ribbon just for participating. Or a hug.
My interest in the news started when I was just a little boy. I had fallen
down a well, ‘yall might remember the story of Baby Ed. As soon as that
ex-jockey got me out of there, I became a news junkie. (pretends to be
shooting up) NEWS! Couldn’t get enough! Which is why I began to fall
down a series of larger wells with better coverage. Eventually I had an
epiphany: since there was a way for me to be around the lights, cameras
and microphones, without me having to fall down any wells by being a
newsman…an above ground newsman.
I am Ed Helms. I got stuck in a well. I am the daily show.
On Samantha Bee:
There are some reporters who believe that they should keep their
distance, but Samantha takes that to the next level.