"Palme D' Bitch Slap"
airdate : April 1,
What do you think about the negative ads?
Jon, in 2004 the negative ads are starting earlier than ever. Firing the
first salvo? President Bush.
(shows an ad from the Bush camp)
Direct. Forceful. Completely lacking in attribution or context ... wow. I
give this ad three
Now, Bush's opponent, John Kerry has said
that he's a fighter. So naturally he hit back, hard.
(shows a John Kerry ad)
WOW. What a powerful attack on the President's ... commercial? I'm sorry
Mr. Kerry, I think you have to get a little more personal. I give this ad
only one in a half:
Oh No You Didn'ts!
Kerry's biggest advantage
in this campaign might be his war records. Can the president destroy this
hero? Let's take a look at that effort.
(shows another Bush ad)
Bravo. He took one omnibus spending bill out of context, and made Kerry
vote against it four times. There's a word for people who resort to
tricks like that : virtuosos. I award this ad my highest prize :
Palme D' Bitch Slap.
All you're doing is breaking down the strategies here. You're not focusing
on the truth of the ads.
To be honest, Jon, the effect of the ads is much easier to measure than
how factual they are. I mean how can you measure truth
I think its the only way to measure it, Ed. I think its much easier to
measure the truth of the statement then its effectiveness.
Wait? Did I say easy? I meant fun! It's more fun to do it this way! First
rule of TV journalism Jon, fact checking is for pussies. Kronkite
taught me that.
"The Majority Report With Janeane
radiodate : April 5,
Highlights (Ed was only on for about 20 minutes and he was on the show
with Stephen Colbert and Paul Rudd)
1.) "I just love these big microphones because they make me feel so
2.) Janeane : That's a great voice, Ed.
Ed: I've been working on it.
Janeane: And a smile that will steal your heart. Isn't he something?
Ed: For those of you at home, I'm smiling.
Janeane: He's got a wonderful, wonderful grin.
3.) Janeane: ... this is a lesser known quote by I.F. Stone 'all people
who rent white stretch humvee limos are douchebags.'
Ed: That is a lesser known quote--he stole that from the book of ... fact,
which was written by a good friend of mine ... Arnold J...
"Vh1's 100 Most Outrageous
airdate : week of
April 5-9 2004
Ed was on this five night Vh1 special about once in each episode:
#91: Bono buying a Concorde plane ticket for his hat because he forgot it,
and he needed it so desperately to sing with Pavarotti:
"Clearly this hat was very special to Bono, it was very necessary to
pull of this show with Pavarotti"
#79 : Latwrell Spriwell [L.S] choking his coach:
"I for one can totally relate to L.S. choking his coach in this
situation because I remember I was choking this guy once, and I was like 'OW!
This hurts! Stop victimizing me!' "
#46 : Brian Austin Green Trying To Rap:
"A lot of people don't know that at Beverly Hills High School, it was
a lot of gang action, he was in that stuff, that guy's hard."
#27 : Steve-O from "Jackass" stapling his scrotum to his legs:
"Look, we've all stapled our scrotums to various body parts...if I
were his scrotum I'd be pressing charges too."
#19 : David Hasselhoff singing at the Berlin Wall when it went down (and
that flashy jacket of his!):
"The most amazing aspect of the whole event was that someone saw it
as an opportunity to mesh electricity with fashion!"
"ESPN Classic's 'Cheap Seats' "
airdate : April 7,
In this episode of "Cheap Seats" hosts Randy and Jason Sklar
make witty retorts to a Roller Derby match in the 1970's, and they mention
that Roller Derby is yet again trying to make a comeback The man for the
job is Bradley Wallace, a Sports Marketing Genius who is trying to bring
back the long lost (at least lost since 1978-ish, resurrected in 1998,
dead in 1999) sport of Roller Derby. I can't transcribe the whole thing,
but I'll bring up the summarized highlights:
are you that you are not suicidal? Because I don't like you and how can
you like yourself? But I do believe in second chances, so see if you can
get this right: sweet n' sour chicken, sauce on the side, I want one snow
pea, ok? If you fuck this up, I'm not coming back to your restaurant."
On sharing his secrets on becoming a success:
"If I told you, then I'd be an idiot. I'd be like a magician sharing
my tricks, and what I am is a genius. I'm a ma-genius."
Bradley also makes his
secretary believe that he is flirting with her:
GOODBYE, I'M DONE WITH YOU!
You and me, we're hanging out.
What?! Are you hitting on me?!
do something for you (tears up paper) Pretty cool right? It's
confetti...I thought of it.
it! Same exact thing, but re type it! Shave your sideburns! I hate them!
Some of the seats at every game will be
infected with Hepatitis B. Do you know which seat? NO!
Hepatitis B + Hat Night = $$$
In the middle of the event we black out
the arena, spotlight on a random seat--BAM! Right in the brainstem! You
hope you're sitting next to them!
If you don't shock people, they're not going
to pay attention to you.
In closing : If they don't
like my methods, I'll pack my shit up and go back to my old job at the
"Digital Watch : Voting Machines"
airdate : April 7,
Half of transcript borrowed from live journal user meta.
Jon: It seems to me that these electronic voting machines still have some
kinks. Heading into the fall, how concerned should we be?
Ed: Well, Jon, new and unfamiliar technology often frighten people like
you or my grandmother, but the truth is compared to the outdated paper
ballots of 'yore, electronic voting is easier, more accurate, and more
secure, and above all, newer.
Let's start with ease of use. E-voting systems employ the same
common sense touch screen technology that makes video poker so impossible
to stop playing, and the Indian Casino ATM so darn convenient. My point is
if its good enough for a [crystal] meth-fuled 48 hr. gambling binge, its
good enough for elections! In fact, a lot of these voting machines run on
the same rock-solid Windows platform that never crashes at your home or
Jon: Ed, I understand that you're obviously the expert, but to me the
important issue to me the important issue is the security. Seems to me
that these machines can be tampered with.
Ed: That's a very valid concern, Jon. Fortunately today's e-voting systems
support a robust cryptography architecture, using DES keys in CBC mode
with a random initialization vector. Now, I know what you're thinking...
"Ed, the CBC encrypt uses a zero seed number so keys could be
recovered by parallel processors running a virtual network protocol in a
trivially short timeframe." But in my opinion, that's fucking
Jon: I don't, obviously, speak for
everybody, but I'm not sure I understood anything you just said.
Ed: No, Jon, but I did. And there are at
least several other people who also did, people like DemocracyHacker23 and
GovSniper17... and while no-one knows who they are or what shadowy
government conglomerate snatched them up out of college, I have no doubt
they will do a bang up job of safeguarding our democracy.
Jon: But Ed, shouldn't the process of the
election be more transparent? I mean, if something were to go wrong, what
would be the harm, say, of having easy to read paper printout of who
people voted for, we could go back and check?
Ed: Well, it's true, paper could give us
a way to verify results, but paper's very expensive, and we've
already spent an awful lot of money on these computers.
Jon: Ed, a third of American voters are going to be going to the polls in
November, and casting their votes electronically for the first time
Ed: Yes, its an exciting moment, Jon. We have finally arrived at a golden
age of technology, a halcyon era, in which .... (pauses and scrunches
up his face) in which...
Ed: Sorry, the teleprompter crashed. Just give it a second, its going to
airdate : April 26,
" Lost Vegas [re-aired]"
re-air date: April
"A Voiceover In A Samantha Bee
airdate: either April
or May 2004
During a Samantha Bee story about how a state only gives out alcohol in
bars using mini bottles, Ed does a voiceover about the old days of mini
"The year was 1974, the era of glam rock and Watergate, but the
people in South Carolina had something else on their hands :
(reads letter. Think that time on South Park where Cartman got all the
men in South Park to take back the Confederacy, and the scene where
Butters gives bad news to Kenny's mom that Kenny had died in battle, at
least that's what I think of when I hear this.)
Another fight at Jimmy
Applebees place last night. I fear that another man was hurt, (shows a
regular sized booze bottle being broken) I only wish that the divine
providences would show us a way to control our portion sizes.
The State House was in an uproar:
"Large glass liquor bottles are a menace to society, and must be
From that day forward, South Carolina would move boldly into a world where
1.7 ounce liquor bottles were legal, and the Palmetto state drinking
establishments would be a safer place for all.