" Lost Vegas "
Airdate : February 3,
55 hour wedding was suddenly made Las Vegas "cheap and tacky"
according to a man dressed as Elvis who runs a wedding chapel.
"I think what she did was embarrassing", says Blackjack "Brian.
"I think its kind of stupid myself...", says a pawnshop owner that
can sell you an old tyme fiddle or an AK-47.
People who work at "f--king houses" says that Britney's wedding has
tarnished Las Vegas' family image of grocery stores and churches.
Las Vegas wants people to know that there are other more respectable things to
A tattoo artist says that Celene Dion is interesting.
Good Time Charlie at the house of f--king says that there are some nice flower
(Ed's more interested in her nice boobies)
Ed couldn't hear one person he surveyed.
But not one account of the doomed nuptials brings up the hospitality of Las
Vegasians. For example, they give good avicet on what tattoo to get:
Ed: Ooh! I want this one!
Tattoo Artist: That's a swastika, Ed.
Ed: Can we put boobs on it?
Tattoo Artist: Sure!
The pawn shop owner tells Ed about this one time he kind fully gave a woman
money--for her gold dentures. He's also happy to sell you an assault
rifle too! Ed asks if he can borrow the AK-47, and give him the $600 for it
But the biggest error with her wedding is that she broke the Las Vegas code:
Good Time Charlie : We do not kiss and tell.
Ed: So, if a reporter came and were to interview you, and things got kind of
freaky, you could be counted on for full discretion?
Good Time Charlie: Oh, absolutely!
Ed: (making boob-grabby motions with his hands) Because I want to get
so fucking freaky...
During Ed's visit to Vegas, he learned that this is the heartland of integrity
and generosity. A charming little 'burb where a stranger is just a friend you
haven't met yet------
Ok, fine, what Ed really did was:
through shrubbery, and telling other shrubs to shut up
got a tattoo
on his arm that said "Sinner"
some pretty girls around a pool wearing nothing but a:
and a pair
oh, and he
yelled "Semen!" a lot.
That Is Different Than That Opinion
Airdate : February 5,
Well, for once the media got it right. The hours of coverage, the hand
wringing, the finger pointing; the whatever wrists do. This outrage
deserves to be talked about. That halftime show should have never been seen on
television! Let's take a look!
(shows a clip of the wardrobe mishap incident, the blurred Janet Jackson
boob and everything - from now on this will be called "boob clip")
What about the children? It's outrageous!
Wrong, Ed! This is not an outrage, its the outrage that the media hasn't shown
this enough! Ed, this February half time show was a travesty. The events of
2-1 changed everything. We need to be reminded of this travesty at all times,
preferably in a small box in the corner of the screen. Can we get that, Chuck?
(in Stephen's Corner is a small box with the boob clip playing on a loop)
Okay...that will keep us vigilant. We've only got one more year until the next
halftime show, and this will remind all performers there is a price for your
misbehavior, and that price will be constant exposure across all forms of
media. Can we see that again in full frame? (shows boob clip in full frame)
Oh yeah, that's going to show them. Next time ... we'll be ready.
But the media's first responsibility is education. Now I was watching the game
with my two young boys, Dylan and let's say Max? And as it happens, we missed
the Jackson flash, because we were talking, now that was my fault.
Thankfully after four days of 'round the clock replay, my children have been
able to see this naked strangers breast over and over again, giving me as a
parent the opportunity to answer their questions. Questions like 'why do they
keep on showing this? Daddy, is there anything else on?', and 'I'm hungry, I'm
so hungry, why won't you feed us?'
By the way for any of you who are just joining us, we are discussing Janet Jackson's
crime against humanity! Can we see it in black and white? (shows boob clip
in black and white) Mmm...oh yeah....that's the stuff. Very
Ed, Ed you poor fool! You naive sap! Where's my box! Can I get my box back
please? Thank you! The media you love so dearly still has gaps in its
coverage. They're letting non-Jackson related news get through! I heard today
that we might of gone to war on false pretenses? I don't want to hear that!
Someone's sending envelopes full of ricin to the U.S. Senate? That makes
me sad! Go full frame. (shows boob clip in full frame) That's
it! All better! Bad Boob Girl! BAD BOOB GIRL!
Stephen, these are news professionals! If they thought it needed to be on 24
hours a day, it would be on 24 hours a day! Let's take a look at it! (boob
Ed...Ed...Just--OH LOOK! (points to his box). It's going fast now!
Check it out! (Ed runs over to Stephen to look) That's so cool! (shows
a clip of the truck on fire, and then shows a clip of Madonna kissing Britney
Spears) OH MY BRITNEY! (shows another clip,
then boob clip, and then that kid who got run over by a car trying to do a jackass
GUYS GUYS! YOU GOTTA STOP IT! GUYS YOU GOTTA COME BACK! COME ON!
(shows up in the box, Ed and Stephen get scared and repulsed)
Ed & Stephen:
Show us your boob!
Take it off!
That's enough! No more!! No more!!
Show us your nipple!
I don't wanna talk about it!
" Willy Nilly On The Primaries "
Airdate : February 9,
...for an update we're going to take you out to our Senior Political Analyst,
Ed Helms, standing by in I believe in Richmond, Virginia. Ed, thanks for
joining us, talk to us about the race.
Well, thank you, Jon. The Democrats held a trio of caucuses this weekend, and
Senator John Kerry was the big winner. Taking Washington state, Michigan and
Maine. But to me the biggest surprise was that they held three caucuses this
weekend. I'm a political reporter, and I didn't even know this was
Ed! How did you not know?
Did you know?
I mean, at least with New Hampshire we had a lot of warning. There was a year
long buildup. Now they're just knocking off states willy nilly! Caucus in
Maine on Sunday, they're doing a bowl-off in Oregon on Wednesday, I hear next
Friday they're picking out of a hat in Tennessee. I mean it doesn't make any
sense! I mean how many of these are there?
Ed, I think there's fifty.
Fifty...that's almost one for every state.
Ed, its exactly one for every state.
Wait, are you telling me that both Dakotas get their own primary?
I'm afraid that's right, Ed.
What about the Oregons? Do they get two?
Ed, there's only one Oregon.
Ok, look, the important thing is not how many Oregons there are or Or-ent,*,
what matters is we spend a year building up Iowa and New Hampshire and then in
two months we have to run around in the other eighty states like madmen! Say
what you will about fascism, but at least you know when the fake
election is! I'm just sayin'.
Alright, Ed. Thank you very much for your--
At least Pol Pot (sp?) wasn't doing caucuses in Maine on a Sunday....
" Jonathan Glaser's First Correspondent Story (cameo) "
Airdate : February 11,
Ed was just being a big ol meanie to new guy Jonathan Glaser:
Jonathan 's listening and making a transcript [much like I'm doing
RIGHT NOW] of his voiceover for his first story)
Thursday. I head to a place where the majority of our knowledge of space has
Can you PLEASE turn it down?!
turns it down a little
Jonathan's voiceover (quieter)
It's been six years since....
All the way down....
Jonathan turns it down all the way. Ed sighs.
here : why is Ed sitting on a pillow? Does he have 'roids? Poor Ed, probably