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Synopsis (June 2004)


110.
"No Title Yet" 
airdate : June 3, 2004

 

"The Majority Report With Janeane Garofalo [radio] (2)
radiodate : June 4, 2004

Highlights:

  • Talked about a big  budget documentary he saw called "The Day After Tomorrow", and "I saw another documentary about ancient Rome". ("the men's skirts are like leather cheerleading skirts."

  • Ed thought that Ray Bradbury was dead.

  • Showed off his Tom Brokaw impression, and his Al Gore impression. 

  • Upon listening of the Enron tapes:

    Janeane : ... they look a lot like you, Ed.
    Sam [co host]: I was going to say the same thing! Ed's being oddly quiet, as if it was either him or his brother on those tapes.
    Ed: I'll tell you. I'm being oddly quiet its like I'm weeping on the inside, I'm honestly really effected by that. It's like ... that is a lack of humanity that just astounds.

    -later (after the "Grandma Millie Enron remark"-
    "That's my grandma Millie...it look us eight weeks and seventeen surgeries to remove the power they shoved up her ass."

    -even more later [the 'burn baby burn Enron remark']-

    Ed: They weren't talking about the power grids, I think they were talking about um...babies!
    Janeane: Burn babies, burn?
    Ed: Even if Enron was a power company, they actually generated electricity within their office campus by incernating babies. 
    Janeane: I wouldn't be surprised! 
    ----

  • Ed on the President's Press Dinner "No weapons here" speech:
    "that knocked my socks off literally .. they hit my office mate, Rob Corddry." 
    ----

  • Sam and Janeane asked Ed about his "Touched By A Scalpel" story from 2002:
    "There was a rash of news stories about medial issues, one of which was Katie Couric's colonosphy ... so I went on my own medical journey and documented it for The Daily Show. That was actually my second segment on the show."
    ----

  • On what Ed does every day on the show:
    "I basically come in every morning, eat my milk and cookies and wait for someone much smarter than me to tell me what to do." 

111.
"The Clash" 
airdate : June 22, 2004

"The Majority Report With Janeane Garofalo [radio] (3) [co-hosting]
radiodate : June 22, 2004

Highlights:

Ed:I have a little confession right off the bat...Sam [Cedar] is not on his honeymoon...I uh...took his life.
Janeane: Wha'd you do with it? Where'd you take it?
Ed: Hes in my apartment in Brooklyn, but that's not the point. The point is I'm here and that's great! 
Janeane: That's right, and oddly enough, David Cross is going to be here [co hosting] tomorrow.
Ed: I hate that guy! 
Janeane: Isn't he something? And I don't mean that in a good way.
Ed: David is from Atlanta (which is my hometown) and we went to a rival high school...yes, I hold a personal rivalry against his high school. But the upshot is, I believe that David is in kahoots with douche baggery at all times.  

On Political T-shirts:

Ed: By the way, I also wanted to plug ... I'm doing a t-shirt contest...its a wet t-shirt contest.
Janeane: For men with bitch tits! 
Ed: For men with manboobs...for the better uh...its all going to be white t-shirts with Kerry slogans on them.
Janeane: and its at bitchtits.com!
Ed: We're going to drench them in milk,
Janeane: and then honey!
Ed: Yeah, and honey...
Janeane: and feathers...
Ed: and then Jean-an-ane Garo-folo-olo (this was an on going joke on how people mispronounce Janeane's name) will be sponge bathing them as part of the overall erotic yet fundraising effort. 
Janeane: It's a kinder, gentler, bitchtit competition.
 

On Nobel Prize People Supporting Kerry:

Ed: Like if 48 Nobel laureates are backing Kerry, I mean what do a bunch of nerds ... why am I going to listen to a bunch of nerds? Go back to your computer, go plug some electrodes into a Barbie doll and make yourself a doll and have some...
Janeane: I know! Then put some red Karo Corn Syrup on it and a death threat attached and send it to someone who has critiqued Ronald Reagan's legacy.
Ed: But the guys support Kerry, what I'm saying is ... yeah, Kerry's got the nerd vote. 

Ed On Bush's Grammar Flaws:
"I think he has a good grasp on a different kind of english."

"Someone asked me once in an interview as someone who works for The Daily Show, do I take pleasure in watching out nation's leaders make gaffes like stupid or hypocritical things or stumble or fall or throw up, is that fun and exciting, is that material for us? And I had to say, 'I am a citizen of the United States, and it breaks my heart just as much as anybody's to see our leaders not being smart people."

"Look, if there was no need to make fun of political figures that would be such a small price to pay for having good leadership."

Ed talking to a guest named Stork who is running for congress and who also runs a bakery:
Ed: I have to cut in ... how do we know that you're not going to cow-tow to the bakery lobby?
Stork: Ed, I'm not going to win the blueberry muffin contract in Iraq...

(later in the same interview)
"A vote for Jim Stork is a vote for chuckles!"

On alarming news that anti Semitism is rising:
"I love the word alarming .... seems to me any resurgence of anti Semitism is kinda implied that its alarming, right? 
"Doesn't everybody realize that Jews are adorable?"

Ending:
Janeane: This is the ending of the Majority Report, and I want to thank Ed Helms for being such a sweet and wonderful co-host, and ladies--he's not married! He's 30 years young, he's intelligent, he is articulate, and he does a heck of a Brokaw (impression)"

Misc Quotes:
"The bloggers are going crazy balls on us!"
"You're a robot, Janeane!"

____

[me being 12]
and at the end, Janeane invited Ed to a "personal screening" of a documentary named The Hunting Of The President" Hmm?
[/me being 12]

 




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