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110.
 "No
Title Yet"
airdate : June 3,
2004
"The
Majority Report With Janeane Garofalo [radio] (2)"
radiodate : June 4,
2004
Highlights:
-
Talked
about a big budget documentary he saw called "The Day After
Tomorrow", and "I saw another documentary about ancient
Rome". ("the men's skirts are like leather cheerleading
skirts."
-
Ed
thought that Ray Bradbury was dead.
-
Showed
off his Tom Brokaw impression, and his Al Gore impression.
-
Upon
listening of the Enron tapes:
Janeane : ... they look a lot like you, Ed.
Sam [co host]: I was going to say the same thing! Ed's being
oddly quiet, as if it was either him or his brother on those tapes.
Ed: I'll tell you. I'm being oddly quiet its like I'm weeping
on the inside, I'm honestly really effected by that. It's like ...
that is a lack of humanity that just astounds.
-later (after the "Grandma Millie Enron remark"-
"That's my grandma Millie...it look us eight weeks and seventeen
surgeries to remove the power they shoved up her ass."
-even more later [the 'burn baby burn Enron remark']-
Ed: They weren't talking about the power grids, I think they were
talking about um...babies!
Janeane: Burn babies, burn?
Ed: Even if Enron was a power company, they actually generated electricity
within their office campus by incernating babies.
Janeane: I wouldn't be surprised!
----
-
Ed on
the President's Press Dinner "No weapons here" speech:
"that knocked my socks off literally .. they hit my office mate,
Rob Corddry."
----
-
Sam and
Janeane asked Ed about his "Touched By A Scalpel" story from
2002:
"There was a rash of news stories about medial issues, one of
which was Katie Couric's colonosphy ... so I went on my own medical
journey and documented it for The Daily Show. That was actually my
second segment on the show."
----
-
On what
Ed does every day on the show:
"I basically come in every morning, eat my milk and cookies and
wait for someone much smarter than me to tell me what to
do."
111.
 "The
Clash"
airdate : June 22,
2004
"The
Majority Report With Janeane Garofalo [radio] (3) [co-hosting]"
radiodate : June 22,
2004
Highlights:
Ed:I have a
little confession right off the bat...Sam [Cedar] is not on his
honeymoon...I uh...took his life.
Janeane: Wha'd you do with it? Where'd you take it?
Ed: Hes in my apartment in Brooklyn, but that's not the point. The point
is I'm here and that's great!
Janeane: That's right, and oddly enough, David Cross is going to be here
[co hosting] tomorrow.
Ed: I hate that guy!
Janeane: Isn't he something? And I don't mean that in a good way.
Ed: David is from Atlanta (which is my hometown) and we went to a rival
high school...yes, I hold a personal rivalry against his high school. But
the upshot is, I believe that David is in kahoots with douche baggery at
all times.
On Political
T-shirts:
Ed: By the
way, I also wanted to plug ... I'm doing a t-shirt contest...its a wet
t-shirt contest.
Janeane: For men with bitch tits!
Ed: For men with manboobs...for the better uh...its all going to be white
t-shirts with Kerry slogans on them.
Janeane: and its at bitchtits.com!
Ed: We're going to drench them in milk,
Janeane: and then honey!
Ed: Yeah, and honey...
Janeane: and feathers...
Ed: and then Jean-an-ane Garo-folo-olo (this was an on going joke on
how people mispronounce Janeane's name) will be sponge bathing them as
part of the overall erotic yet fundraising effort.
Janeane: It's a kinder, gentler, bitchtit competition.
On Nobel Prize People Supporting Kerry:
Ed: Like if 48 Nobel laureates are backing Kerry, I mean what do a bunch
of nerds ... why am I going to listen to a bunch of nerds? Go back to your
computer, go plug some electrodes into a Barbie doll and make yourself a
doll and have some...
Janeane: I know! Then put some red Karo Corn Syrup on it and a death
threat attached and send it to someone who has critiqued Ronald Reagan's
legacy.
Ed: But the guys support Kerry, what I'm saying is ... yeah, Kerry's got
the nerd vote.
Ed On Bush's Grammar Flaws:
"I think he has a good grasp on a different kind of english."
"Someone asked me once in an interview as someone who works for The
Daily Show, do I take pleasure in watching out nation's leaders make
gaffes like stupid or hypocritical things or stumble or fall or throw up,
is that fun and exciting, is that material for us? And I had to say, 'I am
a citizen of the United States, and it breaks my heart just as much as
anybody's to see our leaders not being smart people."
"Look,
if there was no need to make fun of political figures that would be such a
small price to pay for having good leadership."
Ed talking to a guest named Stork who is running for congress and who also
runs a bakery:
Ed: I have to cut in ... how do we know that you're not going to cow-tow
to the bakery lobby?
Stork: Ed, I'm not going to win the blueberry muffin contract in Iraq...
(later in the same interview)
"A vote for Jim Stork is a vote for chuckles!"
On alarming news that anti Semitism is rising:
"I love the word alarming .... seems to me any resurgence of anti Semitism
is kinda implied that its alarming, right?
"Doesn't everybody realize that Jews are adorable?"
Ending:
Janeane: This is the ending of the Majority Report, and I want to thank Ed
Helms for being such a sweet and wonderful co-host, and ladies--he's not
married! He's 30 years young, he's intelligent, he is articulate, and he
does a heck of a Brokaw (impression)"
Misc Quotes:
"The bloggers are going crazy balls on us!"
"You're a robot, Janeane!"
____
[me being 12]
and at the end, Janeane invited Ed to a "personal screening" of
a documentary named The Hunting Of The President" Hmm?
[/me being 12]
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