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Monday, October 28th
11:30 AM

WOW! Can't believe I'm really here in Washington, the capital of the District of Columbia! Mo said we might get to see some Presidents, but they're kind of skittish. I hope I see one!
We're staying in a lovely hotel that overlooks a street. It's really nice and the beds have sheets and everything. The only downside so far is that Rob Corddry is being his usual passive aggressive self. Last night at dinner he called me a "no-talent hack." So in the middle of the night I nailed "The 95 Theses on Why Corddry is a Colossal D**k-Head" to his hotel room door. I figured he could use a little reformation. The best part is he won't know who did it! For all he knows, it could've been Donald Rumsfeld! Ha ha Otherwise things are great. Everybody's working hard to pull off some great shows this week. Except for this one intern who's a total slacker. But everyone else is working hard.

Monday, October 28th 11:30 PM

What a day! I spent the better part of the afternoon trying to get the dimple in my tie to look right and boy did it pay off. I wound up with a sweet dimple for the show.

We had a fairly hectic rehearsal for the show since we were in a new studio and because I was really drunk. Funny side note: I tried to pay off one of the stage hands to drop a light fixture on Rob Corddry's head and I got a long lecture on "liability." So I rigged it myself and then tipped off the cops that the stagehand was responsible. He's "liable" to spend some time behind bars, but we all had a good laugh. Rob got 17 stitches and a contusion. "Contusion" is such a funny word too.

I got to meet Senator John Edwards and we really hit if off because my first name is Edward, and because we were both sporting nice tie dimples.

All in all I think it was a fun day, but I'm really pooped so I'm going to hit the sack soon. I guess I'll see what's on Spectravision.

Tuesday, October 29th 3:39 PM

It's rainy and dreary outside. Which is kind of ironic because that's exactly how I feel on the inside. It seems one of the writers, who's name I can't mention (but his initials are "Eric Drysdale") thought it would be funny to circulate a petition around the office titled "I Believe Ed Helms Should Be Summarily Fired." Turns out everyone signed it. Even the interns. So I handled it the way I thought Thomas Jefferson would handle it. I started another petition titled "I Believe Eric Drysdale is a Total Douche Bag." But nobody would sign it (except the security guard, but I tipped him $5), so I went to the producers and started sobbing. Which totally worked because they're going to put me on the show tonight. Ha Ha! I love showbiz.

Wednesday, October 30th 1:34 AM

Wooooooohooooo! I am, how do you say, “wasted!” We had a little shindig after the show tonight and I'll be honest, I had a few.

Okay, here's a tip, when your hanging out with the people you work with, don't pee in someone's martini and say "Just adding a little citrus flare!" And here's why: The truth is urine has no citrus content, and on top of that, all of your coworkers will ask the bouncer to remove you. However, the little fringe benefit is that there's no line at the mini-bar in your hotel room! Wooooohooooo! 'Nother Makers Mark straight up! Don't mind if I do! Goodbye emotional pain, hello self esteem!

Anyone know a good plastic surgeon? I gave Corddry some roofies and I thought it would funny to give him breast implants before he wakes up.

Wednesday, October 30th 11:30 AM

Got an interesting phone call this morning. It seems I held up a convenience store in a drunken stupor after the staff party last night. I'm such a rascal! The executive producer got me off the hook, but gave me a stern talking to (which was really just a formality, because I know she thought it was hilarious). The best part is I didn't even steal any money, I just took an issue of "Autotrader" magazine, which as it turns out is free anyway. Poor clerk took a bullet in the shoulder, but I bet he's laughing about it now. I'll send him a card or something.

There's a rubber chicken with moisturizer on it in my bathroom. If you know how it got there, please let me know.

Wednesday, October 30th 11:47 PM

Great day! Someone showed me this helicopter game on the Internet and I completely dominated! I went around the office all afternoon with a laptop I "borrowed" from the head writer and challenged people to "Chopper Duels." Most people were smart enough to decline. Tonight all of the correspondents sang the national anthem for the studio audience before the show. It sounded really good. I wouldn't be surprised if we get some offers. After the show I headed out to dinner with Rachel and Rob and a producer named Stuart. Everything was going fine until Corddry brought up the fact that he was sitting there and wanted in on the conversation. Well, you can imagine the fallout. I was ready to throw down right there, which I stated in no uncertain terms. So Stuart and Rachel graciously suggested I leave the restaurant, which was sweet of them. They really took a bullet for me.

Thursday, October 31st 3:46 PM

Holy Moly! I went down to the hotel "Swim and Fitness Center" for a little exercise and got quite a bit more than I bargained for. I was wearing my green Speedo with the "Atlanta Olympics '96" logo on it and I forgot how good I look in it. Someone should have stopped me from looking that good. Well as you can imagine, all eyes were on the Edster as I jumped into the pool. I started swimming the "Edstroke" which is a stroke I invented. It involves strong arm and leg movements and prolonged periods underwater. Apparently it was a major turn-on for the lifeguard because she jumped right in and pulled me over to the side. She then told me I couldn't go into the deep end of the pool, which was kind of an odd pick-up line.

Ed Helms [A Project]  Whatnot

Ed Helms' "Confessions Of A Correspondent"
Supposedly Ed wrote these entries when The Daily Show was doing
live shows in Washington DC for the Midterm Elections from October 28-31
2002.