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May, 2000
With Jon Stewart, Stephen: 
Colbert, and Steve Carell
Transcribed by Melissa (I never got to see this, so just take her word on it)


Jon: 
Reality-based programming is changing the face of entertainment. Here to discuss its pros and cons, Steve Carell and Stephen: 
Colbert in tonight's Even Steph/Ven.

Stephen: 
Tonight's question; reality-based TV - does America really need more?

Steve: 
Yes!

Stephen: 
No!

Steve: 
Yeeessss! (shows clips from first Survivor series) This latest wave of reality programming has taken America by storm, and I love it! Being… bring on the castaways eating raw rat! Place a fragile, elderly woman in mortal danger. That old lady… she was really bleeding. What a welcome relief to the predictable TV plotline of boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets a talking car. Reality television is entertainment as fresh assss… right now! Dah!

Stephen: 
That's as maybe some-evers, Steve, but if freshness is your only requirement why not point the camera at a newly-minted turd. Will that satisfy your entertainment, or rather your "excre"tainemnt needs? If you want truth, if you want reality, what about cinema verite where at least you have de nu monde, raison d'etre, mison sandre

Steve: 
Call me old-fashioned, Stephen, but I am a people-person. I enjoy people and the things they do. And seeing people doing things is for me an explosive combination.

Stephen: 
That's enough? That's all you enjoy?

Steve: 
No, I'm also a fan of… shiny objects, and… bright colors. An occasional sound.

Stephen: 
Well, let's see just how fascinating reality really is. Take a look at this hidden camera footage.

(Footage of Steve typing at his computer. Steve stops and smells his fingers. Then picks up keyboard and sniffs it several times. Puts keyboard down. Goes back to smelling fingers. Licks them. Resumes typing.)

Stephen: 
What could possibly happen next? I'm sitting on the edge of my coma!

Steve: 
You're right. That guy's pretty good.

Stephen: 
That guy is you.

Steve: 
What? (looks at TV monitor with paused image of Steve sniffing fingers)

Stephen: 
Yeah, it's you.

Steve: 
Really? (excited) Hey-hey!

Stephen: 
The point is, Steve, not everything is worth watching. Not everything deserves a… Steve?

(Steve is busy looking at a live image of himself on the TV monitor. He's growling and making "monster claws" with his hands)

Stephen: 
Steve!

Steve: 
Yeah?

Stephen: 
What are you doing?

Steve: 
(giggling, pointing at montior)… uh… a TV show…

Stephen: 
It's a monitor, not a TV show…

Steve:
(waves hands around and makes funny noises
AHHH! OOOH-AHHH! ARRRGHHH! EEEEEE! (pointing at forehead) I'm sweating! (in funny voice,Steve does the old "disappearing thumb" trick, yelling and making more funny noises) AHHH! AHHHHHHAHHHH! HOO-HOO-HOO!

Stephen: 
(laughing) That's pretty good. That's pretty funny - hey, watch this!(makes his hand appear on the monitor behind Steve's head, pretending that it is a shark attacking Steve's face)

Steve: 
AHH! AHHHHH! ARRGRYHHHHH!

Stephen: 
Wait! Wait! Get down… get down!

(Stephen and Steve duck down under the desk, giggling like little boys.)

Stephen: 
raises one hand up over the desk like a hand puppet, the index and pinky fingers extended like "dog ears")

Stephen: 
(high-pitched voice) I am Mr. Fox!

(Steve raises his hand like a puppet, fingers down)

Steve: 
(high-pitched voice) I am Mr. Goose!

Stephen: 
Helloooo, Mr. (laughing) Goose!

Steve: 
Helloooo, Mr. Fox!

Steve and Stephen: 
Hello! Hello! (puppets "kiss" and giggle)

Jon: 
Guys… hey, guys? Guys… GUYS! PLEASE! Over here! Guys, over here…

(Puppets turn their "heads" in Jon's direction)

Jon: 
Guys… un, no… I need to see all of you. I need to see your heads, your bodies, please.

(Steve and Stephen get up from under the desk and sit back in their chairs)

Jon: 
What are you doing?

Stephen: 
(quietly) Nothing…

Steve:
whispers something about "exercise"


Stephen: 
Steve, I think we can both agree that what constitutes entertainment is in the eye of the beholder.

Steve: 
Absolutely.

Stephen: 
I'm Stephen Colbert.

Steve: 
 
And I'm Steve Carell.

Stephen: 
And this has been… 
(Steve and Stephen look at each other, grin impishly, and make their hand puppets again)

Steve and Stephen: 
(high-pitched voices) The Fox and Goose Show! I love you I love you Mr. Fox I love you Mr. Goose I love you love love love! (puppets make kissy and giggle).

Jon: 
Thank you Steve, thank you Stephen.



 

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