December 21, 2000
With Nancy Walls, Stephen Colbert, Vance DeGeneres, Mo Rocca and Steve Carell.
These were little bumpers between the commercial break and the start of the show after the commercials.
Christmas in Grenada, it changed my life. Technically, the invasion was over, but I stayed behind for some photo ops with the peacekeeping troops. We handed out chocolate and cigarettes to the children, most of whom had never heard of Christmas. We explained that in America, Santa Claus comes and gives all the good boys and girls presents, but that they wouldn't get any in Grenada, because they allowed themselves to be overtaken by a Marxist dictatorship. I like to think that we all grew a little bit that Christmas.
I remember when I was first starting in the news, I got the break of a lifetime. Tom Brokaw invited me to his Christmas party, said he reminded him of a young Roger Daltrey (sp?). When I got there, it was just me, him, and his colleague, Mr. Jose Quervo (sp?). He puts on a Santa suit, calls me Blitzen, and tries to force a bit in my teeth. I jack him (BANG!) blood in the beard, teeth like chiclets everywhere. He starts the waterworks, and begs me not to tell anybody until after he's dead. So this is the first Christmas I've been able to share this story with anyone. (looks over backstage) Brokaw's dead, right?
When the US invaded Panama back in '89, I was doing satellite reports back to the states. Our troops were trying to force Noreagra out of his bunker by blasting loud rock n' roll all night long, and let me tell you, Christmas was in the air. Well, some of the CNN crew held a little holiday party, long story short, I met my fourth wife that night. She was a Marine helicopter pilot, well, we fell in love in the shadow of a tank, dancing 'till dawn underneath the mistletoe. Then she had to sober up and stray some snipers.
(some of this got cut off)
....the Chinese were not having any of it. We called them boxers, not because they didn't wear briefs. Anyway, Christmas morning I wake up, put on my (he says "robe" in Chinese) pick up my (says "paper" in Chinese), and right on the front page : The Boxers Are Rebelling. Eventually, president McKinley sent in marines to save our collective (says "asses" in Chinese). As we set sail on that Christmas, 1899, my Chinese friends yelled 'Merry Christmas', and I'll never forget this (says "go home round eye" in Chinese).
One Christmas I was covering the Persian Gulf war, I remember it as though it was yesterday ... (pauses for a few seconds and then hyperventilates) OH GOD.....OHHH NO!!! OH JESUS! HE'S ON FIRE!!!! PUT HIM OUT!! SWEET JESUS PUT HIM OUT!!! OH MY GOD!!! NO NO NO!! DON'T DO IT! DON'T DO IT!
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