(October 15 2001)
With Jon Stewart and Matt Walsh.
Thanks to Christina for transcribing it.
Personal note: This is my favorite Matt thing ever and its on my top list of TDS stuff of all time.
Jon: We don't just cover world events on this show. We're committed to providing views with the information they need to make smart decisions in their everyday lives. Tonight, consumer advocate Matt Walsh offers some helpful household hints with his segment, "News You Can Utilize". Matt?
[Jon gets up and walks over to Matt who is standing in front of a desk with various products on top]
Matt: Thanks a lot, Jon. Uh-oh. Gum in the carpeting [Holds up a patch of carpet with some gum on it]. That's a real nightmare. I'll tell you what, you could and buy this pricy little carpet cleaner [Holds up can of carpet cleaner], or you could just go to that cupboard and get a little peanut butter [Holds up jar of peanut butter].
Jon: I thought that was for getting gum out of your hair.
Matt: [Opens jar, scoops out some peanut butter with his bare hand] Ha ha! It's good for carpeting too, Jon. Just a little dollop on that carpeting [Rubs peanut butter on gum] and you get that gum right, just about out. There you go!
Jon: That's, uh, that's amazing.
Matt: Yeah it is Jon, but our troubles aren't over for now 'cause lookit: we gots peanut butter on our hands. [Holds up hands] That's a real nightmare too.
Jon: You know what you could do is, you could just -
Matt: Now before you go out and buy some pricy peanut butter removing soap, I suggest you go to that cabinet again and you go for the vinegar, and a little bit of toilet paper [Picks up vinegar and roll of toilet paper]. Now vinegar, because it's acidic, cuts right through that peanut oil. [Pours vinegar on hand and rubs off peanut butter] That's right. And toilet paper, well toilet paper mops it right right up. [Wipes hands with toilet paper]. There you go. And Jon, remember: throw out that cardboard tube right away.
Jon: Why the rush to get rid of the cardboard tube?
Matt: [Sighs] Because having gum on your carpeting is pretty traumatic and some of you, uh, might be tempted to take this tube and a little tinfoil and fashion a make-shift hash pipe. Now, I have to say this. Matt Walsh doesn't get high. And Jon Stewart with the Daily Show doesn't get high either.
Jon: [Smiles] Right.
Matt: Right. Because getting high is dangerous. You could burn yourself lighting up this hash pipe, right?
Matt: Now, any idea, Jon, what, uh, you might uh, use in the household to sooth a minor hash pipe burn?
Jon: [Smiles] Uh, I don't know. I don't smoke hash.
Matt: Take it easy, Jon. No one said you did. Now, instead of going out and buying some, you know, hash pipe ointment you saw on television, you go to the cabinet again, or to the refrigerator in this case, and you get some high-fat dairy products like butter [Holds up stick of butter], or this here: whip cream [Holds up a can of whip cream].
Jon: Now is whip cream better than butter for the burn?
Matt: No, no, no. But, having a minor hash burn is pretty traumatic, so you may, uh, know - a consumer advocate friend of mine told me once that inside this is nitro oxide, and you may be tempted to get your head off.
Jon: [Trying not to laugh] Get your what where?
Matt: Jon, did you know that if you get stung by a jellyfish you're supposed to urinate on yourself immediately because the ammonia in your urine neutralizes the poison? And if you happen to urinate on yourself and you weren't stung by a jellyfish, Jon, just pretend that you were.
Jon: What does that have to do with household remedies in any way?
Matt: Well, very little, Jon, but I used to work at a marine bio camp and I taught the kids some things. Have you ever seen sea cucumbers mating, Jon?
Jon: No I haven't.
Matt: There is no household remedy that will get that out of your head, ok? Oh God [Presses hand to forehead]
Jon: Alright, you know what? Thank you very much for your tips, Matt.
Matt: No, no, no. We're not out of the woods yet because in the process of cooling that burn, look what happened. [Sprays whip cream on sleeve] We got whip cream on our nice suit. Now, how the heck do we get that off?
Jon: You're a mess
Matt: Yeah, I'm a mess that needs to be cleaned up, Jon. Any idea of what household item we can use to clean up that mess on my nice suit?
Jon: Cub soda, hydrogen peroxide, maybe?
Matt: Jon, those products would be great, but I recommend an everyday industrial grade steam cleaning machine.
Jon: If you had one of those couldn't you have just used it on the gum on the carpet in the first place?
Matt: [Makes a face at Jon]
Jon: Matt Walsh, everybody. We'll be right back.
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