Airdate : December, 2002
With Lewis Black
Well, we just finished the busiest shopping weekend of the year, and despite an economy that's in the toilet, Americans are still buying a lot of crap. Me, I avoid the crowd and catalogue shop. And nothing says you care and you're cheap like the Lillian Vernon Catalogue! Where else can you get your own monogrammed booze globe? It's a sure-fire way to get your teenager interested in geography! And how about a personalized "king of the remote" pillow? It's like they say: "King of the remote, jester of the bedroom"! Or maybe mom will love this: a hot-pink toolbox! What better way to say "I love you" but I think you're a lesbian. Well, if the economy isn't hurting you, you definitely want to shop from the Neiman Marcus catalogue. Where for $75,000, they'll turn you into an action figure! Seventy-five hundred bucks! Tell you what, you keep the action figure, and I'll blow myself up with firecrackers! And hey, does your loved one like over-priced plaid? Well, why don't you buy her the Neiman Marcus custom Burberry London taxicab! I hear it handles like a woman's raincoat! And here's a taxi-cab confession: you're an idiot! Ok, let's say you have more money than God, and you need to buy him a present? Well you want to do all your shopping from the Robb Report: the magazine for the luxury lifestyle. Look at this stuff! A carte' mink-lined watch for $27,000. It's for the consumer that says "you know, I like telling time, but sometimes it's just not cruel enough!" The Robb Report offers private jets, rare cars, and even this ten million dollar 24 carat diamond gold necklace for her! Are you really that horny? I know a place where ten million dollars will get you laid 1 million times! Jon?
Previous Transcript - List of Transcripts - Next Transcript