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Springish, 2005

With Jon Stewart and Ed Helms

Jon:

 ...with the verdict pending, the singer was dramatically rushed to the hospital last night. Daily Show Jackologist Ed Helms has been covering the trial, he joins us now. Ed, thanks so much for joining us.

Ed:

Jon, I'm outside the hospital where it has been reported that ... that's right Jon, Jacko had an attack-o in is back-o.

Jon:

That's a pretty clever..

Ed:

I understand he's filled his hospital room with his personal brick-o-brack-o's (<i>pauses</i>) that went too far...

Jon:

Ed, very clever, how was Mr. Jackson hurt?

Ed:

There was a collision, Jon. Specifically the collision of between the innocent internal ten year old boy Jackson thought he was, and the disturbing 46 year old semi-Caucasian adult male who just found out he actually is. It's one of those where you're reading the court transcripts and it really gets you right there (I forgot the details on this, I think Ed pointed at his back).

Jon:

So you're saying that Jackson's medical condition is actually psychomentiac? Essentially, imaginative?

Ed:

No, Jon. Jackson's back pain is real, its his life that has been imaginary. Until now, Mr. Jackson had believed himself to be Captian Eo! The planetary defender of childhood blunder, piggy back rides, and wishing trees. Imagine the trauma to his system upon learning he has no actual military rank whatsoever, and that Neverland is not the domain of the Lost Boys, but is in fact is under the jurisdiction of the Santa Barbara  District Attorney's Office.

Jon:

But, Ed these euphonies that Jackson is having, are they just bringing on the despondity, this sadness?

Ed:

Hmm...sadness, Jon, but also anger. I'm sure somewhere Jackson is thinking, 'hey! O.J. killed two people and went free! Now they're going to put me away for a couple of teenage reach-a-arounds?' Where's the justice, Jon?

Jon:

Ed, even if Jackson is found innocent though, is there anyway he can recover?

Ed:

Ultimately, Jon; if Jacko wants to avoid further flack-o, he's simply going to have to stop having young boys in the sack-o! And also, make sure there is no touching of his ... balls. Jon?

Jon:

Thank you, Ed. Ed Helms from California...uh, the last one didn't even rhyme!


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