May, 2000
With Jon Stewart
Jon:
We get many letters from children asking us to explain some of the more complicated, grown up issues, and since many children are now armed, we've decided to answer their questions in a segment we call News For Kids. Let's see if a letter train has a letter!
(letter train goes by, and stops in front of Jon)
Thanks, Engineer ... Joe. Alright, kids our first letter reads this:

Dear Stewey Baby:
What happens is no news r.
Smapidi, age six, again.
P.S.:
Fart, see?

Good question, Smapidi, and yes, I do see. You know, sometimes there's not a lot going on in the news, like tonight. Terrible things happen in places like Africa, but they're very far away, and they are a very private people. So lets see how the reporters in Chocolate Bunny Hollow handle a slow news week. 

At the offices of Chocolate Bunny Hallow Gazette, the hard-drinking cub reporters use all sorts of tricks to make a non-news story sound interesting. For instance, say you have a photo of Chocolate Bunny Hollow's favorite hummingbird actress who seems just about perfect. Aww...look at that, she's regurgitating food in her little babies mouth, who cares, right? But with a little Photoshop, volia! She's as bulimic as the sky is blue! And that sells papers. It's not too different for the land of make believe, expect it ruins animal's lives. Another trick is using scare tactics to sell a lot of papers. Sometimes its even funny to blame these outbreaks on other countries. Like, the Asian Flu, the West Nile Virus, and Polio. Violence also gets animals all hot and bothered, and when a quiet, reclusive animal snaps, and kills a lot of runaway animals, and buries them underneath his tree, why that is journalistic gold! And if you look real hard, there's probably a picture of him dressed like a clown somewhere. Creepy, huh? ... I hope that helped you, Smapidi. When you're a bit older, I'll explain to you what libel is. 

Ok, let's get to our second letter. (opens up letter)

Boogers.

(end of letter)
Funny you said that because I'll be addressing that in my keynote speech ... to your mother! 

That was news for kids. 

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