(March 30 2000)
With Jon Stewart and Vance DeGeneres
(transcribed by Cristina)
Vance: Jon, the effects of the gas shortage on the economy
can be quite devastating. Take a look at these graphs that I've made up here.
[Holds up a large blank sheet of paper] For instance the '73 gas crisis: as gas
prices went up, [Holds left finger up in front of "graph"] the economy
went . . . [Points right finger down in front of "graph"].
Jon: Uh, down. The economy went down.
Vance: Good, you're following. Now, Jon in this second
graph [Turns blank cardboard upside-down] I've made up, for the year 2000, which
is right now, now, if gas prices don't diminish, there will be a similar
negative effect on the economy in the next 4 - 5 months, and if this trend
continues, [Points fingers up and down in front of empty graph again] . . .
Jon: [Sarcastically] Ok, so you really put a lot of work
into the graphs. Um, Vance, what can Americans do to conserve gas? That's really
the issue here.
Vance: Well, Jon, there are easy steps anyone can take.
Instead of wasting gas by driving the help home for the weekend, let them stay
in the guest cottage.
Jon: What - what if you don't have a guest cottage?
Vance: Well, there's no shame in putting them up in the
pool house. I should warn though, don't put 'em up in the stables as you're just
asking for a lawsuit.
Jon: Uh, Vance, this is great, how about a little more
practical advice for people.
Vance: Well, of course, you could, ah, ask your landscapers
to lay off the gas-powered leaf-blowers. Picking up leaves by hand never hurt
anyone, Jon. Not to mention there'll be less noise to interfere with your
harpists. And I guess you could always do that thing where a bunch of people
ride in the same car together.
Jon: Vance, I don't wanna be insensitive with the
difficulties of your domestic staff, but are there any new energy sources on the
horizon we can look forward to?
Vance: Well, Jon, all your so-called future energy sources
have been discredited. "Solar", "nuclear", "molecular
teleportation," . . .
Jon: There's no such thing as molecular teleportation.
Vance: Jon, I just said it's been discredited. Which is why
I suggest coal, and plenty of it. [Holds up a large piece of coal, then hands it
to Jon] Before oil became "trendy" and "hip", America put
it's faith in the sooty charm of coal. If you worked in a coal mine, you had a
job, a job for life, normally starting at age 9.
Jon: Now, Vance! A coal mine was a terrible place to work!
It was stressful, it was unhealthy, people didn't enjoy coal-mining.
Vance: Sure, go ahead and be an apologist for the kids
today. What, with all their winy, "Wah! I have black lung" and "Wah!
My life expectancy is cut in half!"
Jon: [Holds up piece of coal] Not to mention this burns
inefficiently and pollutes.
Vance: Fine, you want clean energy? [Reaches behind him and
pulls something out].
Blubber. [Holds blubber up, then hands it to Jon] Can't get
much cleaner than that, Jon. It's clean. It's been inside of a whale which has
been inside water.
Jon: [Looks disgusted] Take - take - take this away! [Vance
takes blubber back. Jon wipes hand on back of chair] Are you suggesting we
massacre whales for our energy?
Vance: Whoa. I never said anything about massacring, Jon,
I, I simply want to take their sweet blubber for energy.
Jon: What are you gonna use, liposuction? You're gonna kill
Vance: What are you, suddenly queer for whales?
Jon: I - I just do not see how blubber solves the - the -
Vance: Oh, oh, right Whaleboy. A tree hugger like you would
only be too happy to put the entire harpoon industry out of business, wouldn't
you? Wah! I miss the whales! Wah! I'm too good for blubber and coal
Jon: Thank you very much. Vance DeGeneres, everybody.