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(March 30 2000) 
With Jon Stewart and Vance DeGeneres
(transcribed by Cristina)

 

Jon: Vance?

 

Vance: Jon, the effects of the gas shortage on the economy can be quite devastating. Take a look at these graphs that I've made up here. [Holds up a large blank sheet of paper] For instance the '73 gas crisis: as gas prices went up, [Holds left finger up in front of "graph"] the economy went . . . [Points right finger down in front of "graph"].

 

Jon: Uh, down. The economy went down.

 

Vance: Good, you're following. Now, Jon in this second graph [Turns blank cardboard upside-down] I've made up, for the year 2000, which is right now, now, if gas prices don't diminish, there will be a similar negative effect on the economy in the next 4 - 5 months, and if this trend continues, [Points fingers up and down in front of empty graph again] . . .

 

Jon: [Sarcastically] Ok, so you really put a lot of work into the graphs. Um, Vance, what can Americans do to conserve gas? That's really the issue here.

 

Vance: Well, Jon, there are easy steps anyone can take. Instead of wasting gas by driving the help home for the weekend, let them stay in the guest cottage.

 

Jon: What - what if you don't have a guest cottage?

 

Vance: Well, there's no shame in putting them up in the pool house. I should warn though, don't put 'em up in the stables as you're just asking for a lawsuit.

 

Jon: Uh, Vance, this is great, how about a little more practical advice for people.

 

Vance: Well, of course, you could, ah, ask your landscapers to lay off the gas-powered leaf-blowers. Picking up leaves by hand never hurt anyone, Jon. Not to mention there'll be less noise to interfere with your harpists. And I guess you could always do that thing where a bunch of people ride in the same car together.

 

Jon: Carpool.

 

Vance: [Nods]

 

Jon: Vance, I don't wanna be insensitive with the difficulties of your domestic staff, but are there any new energy sources on the horizon we can look forward to?

 

Vance: Well, Jon, all your so-called future energy sources have been discredited. "Solar", "nuclear", "molecular teleportation," . . .

 

Jon: There's no such thing as molecular teleportation.

 

Vance: Jon, I just said it's been discredited. Which is why I suggest coal, and plenty of it. [Holds up a large piece of coal, then hands it to Jon] Before oil became "trendy" and "hip", America put it's faith in the sooty charm of coal. If you worked in a coal mine, you had a job, a job for life, normally starting at age 9.

 

Jon: Now, Vance! A coal mine was a terrible place to work! It was stressful, it was unhealthy, people didn't enjoy coal-mining.

 

Vance: Sure, go ahead and be an apologist for the kids today. What, with all their winy, "Wah! I have black lung" and "Wah! My life expectancy is cut in half!"

 

Jon: [Holds up piece of coal] Not to mention this burns inefficiently and pollutes.

 

Vance: Fine, you want clean energy? [Reaches behind him and pulls something out].

Blubber. [Holds blubber up, then hands it to Jon] Can't get much cleaner than that, Jon. It's clean. It's been inside of a whale which has been inside water.

 

Jon: [Looks disgusted] Take - take - take this away! [Vance takes blubber back. Jon wipes hand on back of chair] Are you suggesting we massacre whales for our energy?

 

Vance: Whoa. I never said anything about massacring, Jon, I, I simply want to take their sweet blubber for energy.

 

Jon: What are you gonna use, liposuction? You're gonna kill whales!

 

Vance: What are you, suddenly queer for whales?

 

Jon: I - I just do not see how blubber solves the - the -

Vance: Oh, oh, right Whaleboy. A tree hugger like you would only be too happy to put the entire harpoon industry out of business, wouldn't you? Wah! I miss the whales! Wah! I'm too good for blubber and coal

 

Jon: Thank you very much. Vance DeGeneres, everybody.

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