Jon Stewart:
Hi, I’m Jon Stewart. Every once in a while, the folks at Comedy Central remind us through our lawyers that we’re contractually obligated to air a “best of” program at least four times a year. Actually, it gives us a chance to dust off some of our favorite pieces, come up with about ten minutes of padding, like the words I’m saying right now. So all of you here know what we do here at the daily show, but do you know who we are? What drives us? What motivates us? What are Stephen Colbert’s turn ons? What are Samantha Bee’s turn ons? Rob Corddry must have some turn ons … what about Ed Helms turn on wise? Sit back and relax, as you find out Who Are The Daily Show?


Rob Corddry: 

My father had a saying about that word excellence. “E” is for endurance, “X” is for extraordinary, “E” is for energy, the other “L” is for labor, NO! I’m sorry. The first “L” is for labor, the second “L” is for loyalty. Um … hold on. (quietly spells “excellence”)

Ed Helms:
Rob brings … awkward energy into any situation. You can’t ignore him when he’s in a room with you. If you’re watching something funny on TV for example, he laughs, but then he’ll look back at you to see if you’re laughing at it. And um … its very creepy.

Rob:
Getting to the heart of a story should never be a sprint. It should be a marathon! You’re welcome. And I know that for many years I trained to be a decathlete. As a child my parents saw that I was always running around the house, running away. So, they and the court decided that I should join Bruce Jenner’s Track and Field Camp [for Wayward youth. ] That’s just when I fell in love with track. Wasn’t crazy about field. But track really spoke to me. When I was a teenager I focused like a laser at the decathalon. I even got my own exercise video.
Each morning I would get up at four a.m. , and I’d run 100 meters, then 400 meters, and 10 more meters with hurdles, and then 1500 meters just stopping long enough to throw a javelin put out a shot, and my afternoons were mostly high jumping and long jumping. Throw the discus around a bit, and at night all pole vaulting.

And one time I was at the hospital getting my knees replaced, and funny story, I saw this guy on TV, and suddenly I realized as a decathlete, you have to be good at ten things. But as a reporter, you only have to be good at one. I already knew how to read, so ….

I’m Rob Corddry. I was a decathlete, and I am the daily show.

Stephen Colbert

Stephen (in office)
Ok, no, please don’t… I’m not participating we already talked about it downstairs. I don’t have to talk about my background. There’s nothing to talk about. We already went over everything. I graduated from high school, and I have a diploma (points at it), right here. It’s signed, by a Mr. Sumagagi, and he was like a father to me. So that’s the case, and I have something that says so, and I don’t have to talk about my background, because there’s nothing to talk about. So I’m not going to do this, ok? Turn the camera off….

  Rob:
Stephen has a very, very rich background, but he’s a very, very private person. Keeps some things to himself. For example, high school seems to be a sore subject. So does college.

Stephen (in office, camera is filming in the corner of his office)
(phone)
Ok, its just a puff piece. I thought it was a background thing. No, no it’s totally cool, I just thought … I’ll be right down.  Bye.
(in studio)
After I got my high school diploma, which I deserved, I immediately hopped a train for a big journalism school on the east coast. There I took classes, attended pep rallies, went to orientation, and had a roommate  in a dorm. And that’s where I paid my dues. So I would legitimacy deserve a job like the one I have.

Samantha Bee :
Has he told you the Walter Cronkite story? (rolls eyes)

Stephen: (takes off glasses)
I was with Walter one evening. I’m sorry, Walter Cronkite. And he started up conservation with me, while I was pushing the button for the lobby, and we started talking. I did most of the talking, and seeing him listen taught me so much about listening. And it just goes to show you that formal education is not that important…though I have one.

My name is Stephen Colbert. I am fully qualified for this job, and I am The Daily Show.

Ed Helms

Ed:

When I do something, I give it at least 90 over 110%. Mostly more. I would say that I give 110% over 90%.

Stephen:
Ed’s a hard worker. And that means something around here. Sometimes we reward him with a ribbon just for participating. Or a hug.

Ed:
My interest in the news started when I was just a little boy. I had fallen down a well, ‘yall might remember the story of Baby Ed. As soon as that ex-jockey got me out of there, I became a news junkie. (pretends to be shooting up) NEWS! Couldn’t get enough! Which is why I began to fall down a series of larger wells with better coverage. Eventually I had an ephinany: since there was a way for me to be around the lights, cameras and microphones, without me having to fall down any wells by being a newsman…an above ground newsman.

I am Ed Helms. I got stuck in a well. I am the daily show.

Samantha Bee :
In journalism school we are taught that there are five questions : who what when where and why. But I ask a sixth question : how are you doing?  

Jon Stewart:
Sure, I was hesitant to hire Samantha, but only because she’s a woman.

Samantha :
As a little girl growing up in Canada, my parents dreamed that one day I would take over the family’s totem pole business. But when the totem pole bubble  burst in the early 90’s,  I joined a massive exodus to reach American soil. I became a Canadian boat person.

Rob:
I think she was on one of those high-speed ferries. I took one of those

Samantha:
I know how it feels like to be unwanted. And now I want to give back. The best thing about my job is I can go into the community, and visit people of different backgrounds, and then leave the communities, and go back to where I’m from. My home, which is not in the community. My cameraman, Greg, is a big, burly guy who is sort of a guide to the community. He lives in the community, so he speaks his language. This job has taught me so much, get out there, ask the questions, keep the van running so I can make a quick escape to the studio so I can make a timely, newsy report.

Ed:
There are some reporters who believe that they should keep their distance, but Samantha takes that to the next level.

Samantha:
Tell me where the story is, and I’ll go around there.

I’m Samantha Bee. I’m the woman they hired, and I am The Daily Show.

(end)
Jon:
Well, that’s all the time we have for tonight. We hope you’ve enjoyed this intimate peek into the lives of the people who work so hard to make The Daily Show what it is. It was wonderful of them to share. But it is important to know that there are other people who work here at the show. People who work behind the scenes. So we put their names into the smallest font that we can legally get away with into a quadrant of the screen that will pop very quickly. There’s no way you could humanly read it. That’s our way of saying ‘fuck you”.