Home | screen
captures
| quotes | transcripts
| Goodies | Commentary
on the daily show | guestbook
| Vance DeGeneres | Living
Room Without A TV | Ed Helms
[A Project]
Page two
"It's time for America's favorite pastime: Envying The Rich!"
-Jon Stewart
"Nobody gets off an airplane like [Colin] Powell!"
-Jon Stewart
"I think May first is the only day you can legally prance."
-Jon Stewart
"The man nailed Candace Bergen, Jon, back when that meant something!"
-Stephen Colbert
"For some people, rain is just a reason to smoke cigarettes and write poems about lost love..."
-Jon Stewart
"If you're such an expert at being a lesbian, then why are you are you turning me on?"
-Stephen Colbert
"You don't want newborns in peace-keeping, Jon."
-Ed Helms
"So its a real date movie...if you're dating Bobby Brown"
-Frank DeCaro
"Some people think plum pudding is all about the plums...well, they are morons!"
-Steve Carell
"The announcement raises several difficult questions for the [Atlanta] Braves. One amongst them is 'does it get any more humiliating than being asked to disassociate from Twisted Sister?' "
-Jon Stewart
"Artificial eye helps blind to see. Artificial sweetener helps tea to zing!"
-Jon Stewart
"McCain says he can tell who's gay, and he's staring really hard at Alan Keys."
-Jon Stewart
"I think he was fake
mad."
-Jon Stewart
"Does he even need a helmet?
Because when I was in high school, I didn't wear a helmet, and I didn't wear one
either."
-Rob Corddry
"Have you
ever seen a half man, half cow wearing a crown?"
-Ed Helms
"I'm sorry, Jon. I blacked
out during your boring suggestion"
-Stephen Colbert
"I
mean, what kind of party are you having when shot glasses fall right though your
toilet paper?"
-Michael Bliden (the first ad nauseam guy)
"I
have a quick message for my dog here: stop humping the toaster oven! I know
you're up there..."
-Jon Stewart
"If you're
going to be haunted, you don't want to be haunted on the the toilet."
-Steve Carell
"There
was a time when driving an SUV meant you had a tiny penis..."
-Jon Stewart
"Tell my
wife I like her, Jon!"
-Rob Corddry
"Look, if
New Jersey needs money, they could raise the sales tax on press-on nails.
They'll make a killing!"
-Lewis Black
"Nothing
gets me hotter than reading a legal brief though a bikini bottom!"
-Lewis Black
"It's been
pushed back to December like a Christmas Tree."
-Beth Littleford
"You
know what they should of called this? For the love of god, why do they keep on
letting Kevin Costner make movies?"
-Frank DeCaro
"I never
thought I'd say this, but you are not the most respected Beatle, Ringo."
-Jon Stewart
"That's
protest...sexay style!"
-Jon Stewart
"..or
build a snowman. I use two carrots for extra realism!"
-Frank DeCaro
"As gay
as I can do it!"
-Jon Stewart on his " 'I' On News"
intro.
"Good maps
is often the first causality in covering a two front war."
-Stephen Colbert
"Hydrogen
cars...yeah! We can get one tonight, let me get my unicorn, but first we have to
stop by Xanadu to get some fairy dust!"
-Rob Corddry
"We walked to an anger management specialist, and ceiling phone user;
Richard Pfeiffer"
-Rob Corddry
"I agree that Brooklyn needs a lot of things, but medieval weaponry is not
one of them"
-Lewis Black
"He's the it boy on putting things on stuff!"
-Lewis Black
"These people were riding on a gravy train, and they broke rule number one:
don't spill the gravy."
-Ed Helms
"I guess what I'm saying is when these guys go on inspections, they take
the little bus."
-Stephen Colbert
"Jon, he brought an 8-ball of anthrax onto the floor of the United
Nations!"
-Ed Helms
"It's so cold I could snap my genitals off like a graham cracker."
-Stephen Colbert
"The horror...the horror...where had I parked my volvo?
-Stephen Colbert
"There's no way in he-double toothpicks that you'll be Y2K compliant."
-Stephen Colbert
"Three special reports - you know, the kind of reports that gets its own
school bus and often wears its own helmet."
-Jon Stewart
"...and the yellow
snow? That ain't lemon."
-Jon Stewart
"Not
everybody who votes wants to have sex with the voting machine, Rob."
-Stephen Colbert
"Sometimes
a story comes along that's so important, so emotional, so heart felt that our
already jaded number of correspondents simply cannot handle it. With that said,
we go to our new correspondent, Ed Helms."
-Jon Stewart introducing Ed Helms for the first time, April 29, 2002.
"She's a pioneer in non-television dating."
-Rob Corddry
"Yes, I'm serious. I'm advocating that when New Yorkers see terrorists,
they should hurl babies. That's right. You people wander in from Montel's show,
is that what this is?"
-Jon Stewart
"Even with fake stem coming out of my ears, I still can't act."
-Jon Stewart
"Why does listening to John Ashcroft make me feel that the world has
already ended?"
-Jon Stewart
"Some
college kids are like 'Sodomy Rec. Room? Is that near the cafeteria? '
"
-Jon Stewart
"Is there
such a thing as clean urine?"
-Jon Stewart
"To human
tripods, like Tom and Jeff..."
-Stacey Grenrock-Woods
"It's nice to know that the face of terror is also the super of my building."
-Jon Stewart
"I know we were all having fun at the T-shirts expense...."
-Jon Stewart
"Texas feels like they've been messed with, and that's something we've been
warned not to do."
-Stephen Colbert
"I suddenly felt like a kid in an manure-ridden candy store."
-Stacey Grenrock-Woods
"You're one cow I'd love to milk!"
-Rob Corddry
"My bed hasn't shaken this much since I got Top Gun on DVD!"
-Frank DeCaro
"I can't tell whether that guys looks like Satan or a Backstreet Boy."
-Jon Stewart
"That guy's spending $300.00 on glasses?! Well, it explains the $20.00
boat!"
-Lewis Black
"Note to other countries : white-wall tires kinda defeat the purpose of a camouflaged
truck."
-Jon Stewart
"This is a guy who said 'Christ Almighty, I look like Christ Almighty! I
think I'll go for a stroll...' "
-Lewis Black
JON I'm perplexed.
STEPHEN: Do you want me to do the gesture again?
JON: Please don't.
"God, I love camp! I really do!"
-Mo Rocca
"My mind is blown - no pun indented."
-Jon Stewart
"I can't believe you stepped on my punch line with bass"
-Jon Stewart to David Alen Greir.
"You grew up before Ritalin, what was that like?"
-Jon Stewart
"I don't know what they're protesting, but I'm with the naked people!"
-Jon Stewart
"It's always funny until the hooker mentions her son."
-Jon Stewart
"At my last birthday, the girl couldn't get her walker out of the
cake!"
-Lewis Black on Hugh Hefiner's birthday celebration
"Taiwan votes in new president; batteries not included."
-Jon Stewart
"Someone smells foreign here, and its not me!"
-Stephen Colbert
"This is exciting! One more show and I get a free pizza!"
-Jon Stewart
"I enjoy
McDonald's for the food, not the sex."
-Jon Stewart
"I cannot stress this enough : do not drink the fish brain fluid!"
-Jon Stewart
"I haven't
seen this much ass sniffing since the last time I was in Hollywood!"
-Lewis Black
"That room
just went from 'sweater weather' to 'penguins testicles' "
-Jon Stewart
" ' your
mother is a communist? ' is that what passed as a 'snap' back in the
1950's?"
-Jon Stewart
"Using a
public library if you are over the age of 15 is itself suspicious
behavior."
-Jon Stewart
"It's
2003, Jon. Talking about a problem in print journalism is like talking about a
jam in your 8-track player."
-Rob Corddry
"The United States is out of talent."
-Steve Carell
"Everyone loves the Latin Music Explosion, but no one wants to pick up the
shrapnel."
-"Rich Brown" (Public Excess Guy)
"Details Magazine calls it quits -- how will I know when to go back to a Caesar
Haircut?"
-Jon Stewart
"Madonna's with child ... looks like somebody's got a new personal
trainer!"
-Beth Littleford
"I just want you to know that we're not here to make fun of you because
you're gay. We're here to make fun of you because you like science
fiction."
-Steve Carell
"You think that's sad?! Try asking your dad to make muffins with you!"
-Frank DeCaro
Vance DeGeneres:
Take me back to that day.
"John Doe" [guy who got drunk and stuck himself in a oven shaft at a
pizza place]
What do you mean, take you back?
Vance (voiceover)
Nevermind.
"June 27th
brings us Muscle Car Mania. Roll a pack of cigarettes under your sleeve, wash
your hair with soap, slap your second wife and come on down!!"
-Mo Rocca
" 'Say It Ain't Sosa' is the laziest headline you can do!"
-Jon Stewart
"Evidently, bald people mask their pain with horrible puns."
-Rob Corddry
"At monster.com, you sell monsters?"
-Rob Corddry
"Fox news can't be the only fake 24 hr. news network."
-Jon Stewart
"....and if you've ridden Amtrak, you know that they've consistently failed
to stock enough breakfast sandwiches in the dining cars. Its 9 a.m. and you're
already out of breakfast sandwiches, no I don't want nacho's, jackass, I want a
breakfast sandwich."
-Jon Stewart
"If I see a middle aged white guy with a Rolex [you're] damn straight I'm
going to give him a second look. We're looking for guys named Kenneth and
Andy."
-Rob Corddry
I Know What You Did Last Summer Of The Shark
-Name of A Stephen Colbert story in July of 2002
"My liquor is 100% red, white, and blue, baby!"
-Jon Stewart
"You got a moral dilemma, didn't you? You don't get that when you go to
Letterman."
-Jon Stewart
"It was either you or MSNBC, and I'd figured I'd want somebody to see
me."
-Samantha Bee on her first Daily Show appearance.
"Loose lips sink track lighting."
-Rob Corddry
"I know those cuts in the Berau of Good Luck would come back to haunt
us!"
-Jon Stewart
"At this rate he'll be up to 'kiss my grits!' in mid-September."
-Jon Stewart
"Old man [Tom] Delay ... also known as the whip..."
-Stephen Colbert
"Remember the Latin Music Explosion? It's like that, but with sodomy."
-Stephen Colbert
"If Kobe was running, they'd be spilling man juice all over their
desks."
-Jon Stewart
"It must be nice to be a 'poke' just like the rest of them."
-Jon Stewart to Tracey Ullman
"These are times for douche-baggery!"
-Jon Stewart
"Don't pee on my leg and tell me its raining!"
-Steve Carell
"Honestly, I think this is the first audience I have to walk home."
-Jon Stewart
"There are pictures of me on the internet that would disqualify me from
working in a post office."
-Jon Stewart
"Nearly two thirds of the American public cannot name a single
Democratic presidential candidate. Well, at least not by their proper names.
Everyone knows that there's Necky, and Moon Face, and uh...Frowno, and of course
Grandpa Waddle, and then there's the dude that looks like a gnome...he is the
holder of the ring!"
-Jon Stewart
"Can I get a what-what from the Whigs?"
-Jon Stewart
"I am the Mayor of Funnytown for one year."
-Jon Stewart
"I live in New York City. We live in boxes for nothing!"
-Jon Stewart
"Could you make those ducks shut the f--k up?!"
-Samantha Bee
"I may be
poor, but I am not a jerk ... ok, I am a jerk."
-Rob Corddry
"What exit do
you take on your way home? Because I wonder where you GET OFF!"
-Ed Helms
"Bowie is constantly re-inventing himself. From Ziggy Stardust to The Thin
White Duke, to spokesperson for General Mills International Coffee ... ah,
ground control to French Vanilla!"
-Jon Stewart
"It's 2003! Why can't I teleport?!"
-Lewis Black
"Yes, values such as burning as much gas as you can, so you can race around
an oval for hours."
-Jon Stewart on NASCAR Values
"Oh, Iraq ... we give you Department Of Motor Vehicles. You're welcome,
you're welcome."
-Jon Stewart
"...There's
something about that mouse that makes girls go all slutty!"
-Samantha Bee
"Oh, mutant Santa, I still believe in you..."
-Samantha Bee
"Does this razor go downstairs?"
-Rob Corddry
"Ooh, honey...I feel naughty tonight--let's make toast!"
-Lewis Black
"It's like a reenactment of the civil war, and the south wins."
-Jon Stewart
"That is humiliating...I mean working at MSNBC."
-Jon Stewart
"Anytime you can refer to your girlfriend as a 'hidey-hole' and you still
have a girlfriend...more power to you."
-Jon Stewart to Ben Affleck
"If you love something very much, let it go... if it comes back to you to
perform dangerous, underwater minesweeping duties, then it probably has a very
small brain."
-Jon Stewart on the US military's use of dolphins as minesweepers
"Any time you can refer to your girlfriend as a 'hidey-hole' and you still
have a girlfriend...more power to you."
-Jon Stewart to Ben Affleck
"Dean is on the cover of Newsweek this week, and you can't get on the cover
of that thing unless you're a complete jack ass."
-Stephen Colbert
Jon Stewart:
How are you, sir? Did you go to the speech?
John McCain:
I had no other choice.
"Nothing like Jewish 'snaps'!"
-Jon Stewart
"Poor Nelly and his itchy penis ... he should really use talcum"
-Jon Stewart
"I really can confirm that today voters in seven states humored Joe
Liberman, ignored Dennis Kuchinch, reminisced about Howard Dean, and
admired Clark's hustle, but sill found him creepy."
-Jon Stewart
"You know if it can pass the strict requirements of a shirtless Australian,
then its good enough for me."
-Jon Stewart
"Don't look at me, you're the one who wants to meet the press!"
-Jon Stewart
"With air travel still a major safety concern, and bus travel still mainly
for losers, its no surprise that we've entered the golden age of cruise
ships!"
-Samantha Bee
"Don't clap ... CIA's going to put gohanerra in my sandwiches!"
-Jon Stewart
"I only give this ad one-in-a-half 'oh, no you didn'ts' !"
-Ed Helms
"I guess what I need to know now is how can I get my hands on some
Nads?"
-Steve Carell
"...They won for Mystic River ... just a warning, if you haven't
seen the movie, its not a sequel to Mystic Pizza ... it's very dark."
-Jon Stewart
"Please answer the question! I can't think of a better one!"
-Jon Stewart
Jon: Can you hear me, Rob?
Rob: Yes, I hear a lot of applause for me.
"The bears in New Jersey .... you see a couple of bears you pick them up [makes
a putting in his pocket motion]."
-Jon Stewart
"Teletubbies, the most vocally inept superstar since Paula Abdul..."
-Craig Kilborn
"Yeah ... he wanted his big fat lard ass woman back .... some men like
that!"
-A. Whitney Brown
"Kenneth Star, the Howdy Doody of the Christian Right."
-Craig Kilborn
"Many patients said that Viagra made them feel like a teenager again ...
horny and unpopular."
-Stephen Colbert
"I want to be begin at the gas station where you have no doubt noticed a
disturbing trend, and I'm not talking about the Agent Cody Banks II Jelly
Glasses."
-Jon Stewart
"The guys finally have a reason for their shit eating grins Friday..."
-Jon Stewart
"It's official ... reality is like a reality show... God help us."
-Jon Stewart
"How can the greeks not be ready for the Olympics -- they invented
them!"
-Lewis Black
"Is your ranch anywhere near the Hidden Valley?"
-Samantha Bee
"Now if you excuse me, I have to go and teach an aerobics class with
Stephen Hawking."
-Lewis Black
"I've been here five years and that may be the stupidest thing we've ever
done!"
-Jon Stewart
"He sat behind your wife That seat doesn't go to the eighth caller!!"
-Jon Stewart
"I tell you one thing they better not have at the convention ...
sugar!"
-Jon Stewart
"...she appeared in boardroom camouflage on ABC's Good Morning
America."
-Jon Stewart
"We tried to bury that! We put it on 60 Minutes II! Who hosts that
show anyway?! Charlie Rose and Angela Lansbury?!"
-Stephen Colbert
"Wait, did he just compare the constitution to a book of golf rules? Oh
man! I love this guy!"
-Ed Helms
"Does showing crack lead to crack?"
-Stephen Colbert
"We cannot judge other countries, Jon...we learned that from Star
Trek."
-Stephen Colbert
"Janet Reno dances for no human!"
-Jon Stewart
"Now I know why the caged bird exits!"
-Jon Stewart
"My father was a poor Virginia turd miner...my father's father was a goat
ball licker."
-Stephen Colbert
"If Republicans can turn 'Liberman' into 'Loserman', I don't think the
Democrats should moniate a guy with 'sac' in his name."
-Rob Corddry
"Is the Pope usually a dick when he meets someone?!"
-Jon Stewart
"Once Biden starts talking street, its on biaaacccchhh!"
-Jon Stewart
"If its holy, we're all over that shit!"
-Rob Corddry
"I like it how you're keeping me on my National Tragedy Timeline
toes!"
-Jon Stewart
"Jon, I foud it crass-tastic!"
-Stephen Coblert
Arnold: One of my movies was called True Lies--that's what the Democratic
National Convention should have been called.
Jon (doing impression): I was also in a movie named Twins---that's what
they should call the Bush daughters--oh wait, they do?
Stephen Colbert: It's crab, Jon! In cake form! Do you know what that means?
Jon Stewart: A night of deliciousness?
"Yeah! Down to the people who are already down!"
-Jon Stewart
"This is what happens to your hair when you don't let gay people touch
it!"
-Jon Stewart
"I feel like I could topple off one of these risers, and Angels would just
catch me!"
-Stephen Colbert
"Did you hear that? That line was so bad, there are crickets in our
studio!"
-Jon Stewart
"Women have Mason-Dixon lines?"
-Ed Helms
"They used to call LBJ 'two potato Johnson'"
-Stephen Colbert
" 'Tremendous mother?!' OH SNAP! You did NOT just go there!! It's ON!
Tremendiousmoth...Orrin Hatch, your mama is so tremendous , when she hauls
ass...she...uh...has to make two trips..."
-Jon Stewart
"Two to four seconds of laser light? That's one one-thousandth of power
than the viewers of the 'Rock With You" video is subjected to".
-Jon Stewart
-----------------------------
"...Even your
national anthem is Oh, Canada."
-Ed Helms
"Does Jon Stewart orally pleasure teamsters for pocket change?"
-Stephen Coblert
"...it was time for our Vice President to show up looking like Kenny from South
Park. Dude, you're at Austrwitz , do you really need a hood?"
-Jon Stewart
" I believe an elephant can use a toilet, but I don't believe it only needs
one flush."
-Jon Stewart
"We're all going to be on the streets, eating dog food! And not that
delicious canned food...the dried stuff."
-Stephen Colbert
"Douche-bag McLowenstein!"
-Bob Wiltfong
"Hold on, Jon! That's a five-stroker!"
-Stephen Colbert
"It's going to be an exciting week [next week]... Stephen
Colbert finally loses it."
-Jon Stewart
"You
cold break a pool cue on my ass!"
-Rob Corddry
"Tape guy seems nice."
-Jon Stewart on old Bush tapes from 1998.
"Would you settle with douche bag with a library card?"
-Jon Stewart
"I read Ebony, that's right. I read Ebony, because Jet [high pitched voice]
suuuuccckkks!"
-Jon Stewart
"Just a minute, I have to add to my list of words Charlie Gibson should
never be allowed to say : nipple fetish."
-Jon Stewart
"
