February 2004

97.
" Lost Vegas "
Airdate : February 3, 2004

Britney Spears' 55 hour wedding was suddenly made Las Vegas "cheap and tacky" according to a man dressed as Elvis who runs a wedding chapel.
"I think what she did was embarrassing", says Blackjack "Brian.
"I think its kind of stupid myself...", says a pawnshop owner that can sell you an old tyme fiddle or an AK-47.
People who work at "f--king houses" says that Britney's wedding has tarnished Las Vegas' family image of grocery stores and churches.
Las Vegas wants people to know that there are other more respectable things to do:
A tattoo artist says that Celene Dion is interesting.
Good Time Charlie at the house of f--king says that there are some nice flower arrangements.
(Ed's more interested in her nice boobies)
Ed couldn't hear one person he surveyed.

But not one account of the doomed nuptials brings up the hospitality of Las Vegasians. For example, they give good avicet on what tattoo to get: (paraphrasing)
Ed: Ooh! I want this one!
Tattoo Artist: That's a swastika, Ed.
Ed: Can we put boobs on it?
Tattoo Artist: Sure!

The pawn shop owner tells Ed about this one time he kind fully gave a woman money--for her gold dentures. He's also happy to sell you an assault rifle too! Ed asks if he can borrow the AK-47, and give him the $600 for it tomorrow.

But the biggest error with her wedding is that she broke the Las Vegas code:

Good Time Charlie : We do not kiss and tell.
Ed: So, if a reporter came and were to interview you, and things got kind of freaky, you could be counted on for full discretion?
Good Time Charlie: Oh, absolutely!
Ed: (making boob-grabby motions with his hands) Because I want to get so fucking freaky...

During Ed's visit to Vegas, he learned that this is the heartland of integrity and generosity. A charming little 'burb where a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet------

Ok, fine, what Ed really did was:

Got piss tank drunk
played the slots
stumbled through shrubbery, and telling other shrubs to shut up
got a tattoo on his arm that said "Sinner"
and chased some pretty girls around a pool wearing nothing but a:
cowboy hat
his socks and shoes
his tie
and a pair of speedos
oh, and he yelled "Semen!" a lot.

98.
" Opinion/Opinion That Is Different Than That Opinion "
Airdate : February 5, 2004

Ed:
Well, for once the media got it right. The hours of coverage, the hand wringing, the finger pointing; the whatever wrists do. This outrage deserves to be talked about. That halftime show should have never been seen on television! Let's take a look!
(shows a clip of the wardrobe mishap incident, the blurred Janet Jackson boob and everything - from now on this will be called "boob clip")
What about the children? It's outrageous!

Stephen Colbert:
Wrong, Ed! This is not an outrage, its the outrage that the media hasn't shown this enough! Ed, this February half time show was a travesty. The events of 2-1 changed everything. We need to be reminded of this travesty at all times, preferably in a small box in the corner of the screen. Can we get that, Chuck? (in Stephen's Corner is a small box with the boob clip playing on a loop) Okay...that will keep us vigilant. We've only got one more year until the next halftime show, and this will remind all performers there is a price for your misbehavior, and that price will be constant exposure across all forms of media. Can we see that again in full frame? (shows boob clip in full frame) Oh yeah, that's going to show them. Next time ... we'll be ready.

Ed:
But the media's first responsibility is education. Now I was watching the game with my two young boys, Dylan and let's say Max? And as it happens, we missed the Jackson flash, because we were talking, now that was my fault. Thankfully after four days of 'round the clock replay, my children have been able to see this naked strangers breast over and over again, giving me as a parent the opportunity to answer their questions. Questions like 'why do they keep on showing this? Daddy, is there anything else on?', and 'I'm hungry, I'm so hungry, why won't you feed us?'
By the way for any of you who are just joining us, we are discussing Janet Jackson's crime against humanity! Can we see it in black and white? (shows boob clip in black and white) Mmm...oh yeah....that's the stuff. Very dramatic--

Stephen:
Ed, Ed you poor fool! You naive sap! Where's my box! Can I get my box back please? Thank you! The media you love so dearly still has gaps in its coverage. They're letting non-Jackson related news get through! I heard today that we might of gone to war on false pretenses? I don't want to hear that! Someone's sending envelopes full of ricin to the U.S. Senate? That makes me sad! Go full frame. (shows boob clip in full frame) That's it! All better! Bad Boob Girl! BAD BOOB GIRL!

Ed:
Stephen, these are news professionals! If they thought it needed to be on 24 hours a day, it would be on 24 hours a day! Let's take a look at it! (boob clip)

Stephen:
Ed...Ed...Just--OH LOOK! (points to his box). It's going fast now! Check it out! (Ed runs over to Stephen to look) That's so cool! (shows a clip of the truck on fire, and then shows a clip of Madonna kissing Britney Spears) OH MY BRITNEY! (shows another clip, then boob clip, and then that kid who got run over by a car trying to do a jackass stunt)

Jon Stewart:
GUYS GUYS! YOU GOTTA STOP IT! GUYS YOU GOTTA COME BACK! COME ON!
(shows up in the box, Ed and Stephen get scared and repulsed)

Ed & Stephen:
Sorry..

Stephen:
Show us your boob!

Ed:
Take it off!

Jon:
That's enough! No more!! No more!!

Stephen:
Show us your nipple!

Jon:
I don't wanna talk about it!

99.
" Willy Nilly On The Primaries "
Airdate : February 9, 2004
Jon:
...for an update we're going to take you out to our Senior Political Analyst, Ed Helms, standing by in I believe in Richmond, Virginia. Ed, thanks for joining us, talk to us about the race.

Ed:
Well, thank you, Jon. The Democrats held a trio of caucuses this weekend, and Senator John Kerry was the big winner. Taking Washington state, Michigan and Maine. But to me the biggest surprise was that they held three caucuses this weekend. I'm a political reporter, and I didn't even know this was going on.

Jon:
Ed! How did you not know?

Ed:
Did you know?

Jon:
Well...no...

Ed:
I mean, at least with New Hampshire we had a lot of warning. There was a year long buildup. Now they're just knocking off states willy nilly! Caucus in Maine on Sunday, they're doing a bowl-off in Oregon on Wednesday, I hear next Friday they're picking out of a hat in Tennessee. I mean it doesn't make any sense! I mean how many of these are there?

Jon:
Ed, I think there's fifty.

Ed:
Fifty...that's almost one for every state.

Jon:
Ed, its exactly one for every state.

Ed:
Wait, are you telling me that both Dakotas get their own primary?

Jon:
I'm afraid that's right, Ed.

Ed:
What about the Oregons? Do they get two?

Jon:
Ed, there's only one Oregon.

Ed:
Ok, look, the important thing is not how many Oregons there are or Or-ent,*, what matters is we spend a year building up Iowa and New Hampshire and then in two months we have to run around in the other eighty states like madmen! Say what you will about fascism, but at least you know when the fake election is! I'm just sayin'.

Jon:
Alright, Ed. Thank you very much for your--

Ed:
At least Pol Pot (sp?) wasn't doing caucuses in Maine on a Sunday....

100.
" Jonathan Glaser's First Correspondent Story (cameo) "
Airdate : February 11, 2004

Ed was just being a big ol meanie to new guy Jonathan Glaser:

(in office, Jonathan 's listening and making a transcript [much like I'm doing RIGHT NOW] of his voiceover for his first story)

Jon's voiceover:
Thursday. I head to a place where the majority of our knowledge of space has been implemented--

Ed:
Jon!

Jonathan's voiceover:
...Mars 2112.....

Ed:
Can you PLEASE turn it down?!

Jonathan turns it down a little

Jonathan's voiceover (quieter)
It's been six years since....

Ed:
All the way down....

Jonathan turns it down all the way. Ed sighs.
-end-

Little observation here : why is Ed sitting on a pillow? Does he have 'roids? Poor Ed, probably has 'roids.

March, 2004