93.
" Digital Watch : Camera Phones " 
Airdate : January 8, 2004
Jon:
Technology. It's like science, but useful. To help us keep track of the latest in the world of high tech, we turn to Ed Helms and Digital Watch.
Ed:
Thanks, Jon, and welcome to another edition of Digital Watch. Today we're going to talk about the camera cell phone. How many times has this happened to you? 
(Ed picks up his digital camera) Ok, everybody! Say cheese! (his cell phone rings) Oh...wait....(Ed starts to hyperventilate) OH GOD! (the cell phone keeps on ringing, and he still has a camera in his hands) WHY GOD, WHY?! Well, if you're like me, that has never happened, and thanks to the latest and hottest gadget in America, it will still never happen. The camera cell phone, a revolutionary advance in our drive to put multiple things into one thing, is the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of digital technology! It combines the rapid battery depletion of high powered digital cameras with the image production capability of a phone! Already this device is used by an estimated 80 million people worldwide, and its no wonder! But these portable easily concealed dynamos invading someone's privacy has never been easier--or more fun! So turn off that sorority house shower web cam, grandpa! 
In fact, the makers of these phones actually make invasion of privacy the principle selling point in their ads. 
(shows the ad where a girl is seeing a clumsily guy trying to eat his lunch at a diner. He spills his drink, gets food all over his shirt and his face, and she takes a photo of him. She sends it to her friend, Gina  saying that she's sitting to Gina's  new boyfriend.)
Busted!! Oh yeah! I bet now you're all going to think twice about ... eating.
Now those of you who are new to this technology, it is worth sharing a few tips. First, know your technology. You don't want to confuse the 'phone' function with the 'camera' function otherwise you may end up with a memory chip full of these. [pictures of your ear] And number two : always gets releases from your subjects. A release is a simple legal form indemnifying you from any legal action should a picture you've taken end up in a national publication...such as Leg Show or Shaved Asian. I cannot stress that enough. Verbal permission will not hold up in court, as I learned to my dismay in the case of Helms v. Wong. 
So, there you have it. The camera cell phone, another example of technology's amazing power to improve your quality of life on the expense of everyone else's. For Digital Watch, I'm Ed Helms. 

94.
" Right out Of the Closet " 
Airdate : January 12, 2004
Ok, boy (George) at a California college loves being a Republican. Instead of swimsuit models, and porn stars being adored on his walls, he has campaign posters and bumper stickers on his walls instead. Instead of dirty clothes on his desk, he has American flags. Instead of ... ok, you get the idea. He decides to have a little get together with his other Republican friends, little did he know that it was also ... gay pride week. Hmm? 
Ed: (on hearing of his idea)
You (snap) go (snap) girl! (snap!)
Boy:
Thank you.
This encountered the wrath of the campus bullies, and to show their anger, they went skipping down the sidewalk, with their scarves blowing in the breeze.  George has the utmost respect for his bullies, saying that he doesn't accept them, but they're a part of the community, and you can't take that away. Scarf boy tries to beat around the bush that he doesn't like the republicans at his school, but he wants to be nice. Ed finally makes him say it, though. ("I hate the Davis college Republicans") 
Ouch!
Ed tries to do a role play, what if one day, a student comes up to George, and starts to threaten him with taunts of "what's with the fucking attitude?". But George isn't a theater major, so he doesn't get it.
Ed knows why he's frustrated...all he needs is a blow j- I mean a blow pop. 

95.
" The Manila Folder List " 
Airdate : January 15, 2004          
Jon:
...In your mind, what is the significance of the presidents announcement yesterday?
Ed:
Jon, this "mars plan" confirms something those of us in the scientific community have known for quite some time : President Bush has officially given up on planet Earth. Gigs up, game's over. 
Jon:
Ed, you really believe that the president of the United Sates has given up on this planet? 
Ed:
Well, Jon, you know his polices, arsenic in the drinking water, the Clean Air Act gone, bombing everybody, what other conclusions can you draw? I mean you don't start trashing the hotel room unless you know you're checking out tomorrow! You really can't blame the guy. Earth is hardly a young planet, in fact its nearly six thousand years old. 
Jon:
Ed, I believe the earth is more like five billion years old. 
Ed:
(giggles) Right Jon, and we descended from apes, ok? I'm a scientist. 
Jon:
Ed, don't you think that the billions of dollars allocated to this project could perhaps be better spent trying to fix some of these problems?
Ed:
Well, its a little late for that, my friend. I have crunched some numbers, and done some projections on how the Earth will age. Here's a picture of Earth today (shows a normal photo of Earth), it doesn't look that bad. But at our current rate of climate change, by 2050 ....
eww....
Jon:
Ed, are you suggesting that Earth is going to look like Dick Van Patton? 
Ed:
Jon, its a computer projection. I input data, I don't control the outcome.
Jon:
Even if someone would put a man on Mars, how is that going to make life better for say the billions of people that are still here on earth?
Ed:
That's for those billions of people still here on Earth to worry about! You and me, we're on the list.
Jon:
What list?
Ed:
..the list....the list....you know, that manila folder "Project Repopulate"? Wilfowitz (sp?) should of dropped it off....
Jon:
I never got any manila envelope....
Ed:
Oh! There's no list! I mean there's a list of great guys which I compiled and you are so on that list! That's what I meant! That's what I meant! 

CNN Saturday Night Edition (2)
Airdate: January 24, 2004
Note: I was watching this program the night it aired, and I changed the channel, and I probably missed Ed by like 5 minutes. I suck.
CNN LIVE SATURDAY

CAROL LIN, CNN ANCHOR: All right, joining me now straight from the campaign trail in New Hampshire is Comedy Central correspondent Ed Helms.

Hi there, Ed.

ED HELMS, COMEDY CENTRAL: Hey, Carol, how are you doing?

LIN: I'm doing just fine. I'm wondering, you know, as you watch these elements like John Edwards there on the show, how seriously do you take your work?

HELMS: Well that's a very interesting question.

I don't care.

No, actually -- comedy is hard work, so I think we all take it very seriously, but you have to keep in mind that what we take seriously is the comedy. Not the subject matter. We're not -- we don't make any pretense of being a news show.

LIN: And yet what's your reaction to that poll? I mean, basically, one in five young people under thirty get most of their information about the presidential campaign from shows like yours.

HELMS: Yes, it's a little disconcerting, to be honest. But again, I think it's also a little misleading. I don't think people get their news from our show as much as they tune into our show to get comedy and happen to also get a spattering of current events and political news. In other words...

LIN: Do you stick pretty much to the facts on the ground?

HELMS: Not at all. We make up a lot of stuff. And we have a lot of fun with it. And that's why I don't -- I don't -- it's pretty clear I think when we're kidding and when -- and when we're stating facts and then we're sort of riffing on the facts and making jokes about them so it's -- I can see how people would actually garner some legitimate information from our show but it's a little bit like you know doing your grocery shopping at the candy store or something.

Because we don't -- you're not going to get a very balanced diet or something is what I'm saying. You're not going to get a very well rounded news package from our show.

LIN: Well what are some of your impressions of these candidates so far?

HELMS: Well, I think that Kucinich is an interesting character.

He's a little guy -- my mom would would call him a pistol. He's just a little pistol. Like he's full of fire and energy but he's not getting paid that much attention to which is too bad because he's got a lot of interesting ideas to throw out there.

Dean is quite a charismatic guy and I tell you why I like Dean a lot -- he is really -- he has made this race a much better race. He's forced a lot of the other candidates to kind of rise to his level of charisma and passion and get and get their ideas out there in the same way that he has. His ideas are sometimes a little muddled, and his passion sometimes gets mixed with a little vitriol which has come back and bitten him on the tushy a time or two, but let's see -- who else we got?

LIN: John Kerry in the lead.

HELMS: Running away with it, it looks like and very impressive showing. I think he's smart and he's got a lot of...

LIN: And he's pretty athletic. Did you see him on the ice?

HELMS: Yes, but that wasn't -- come on. He wasn't really scoring a lot of goals out there. I think he's -- he should stick to the politics and avoid hockey but he's -- he's an interesting guy and I think he's one of the people who I was referring to before who dean has really sort of forced to -- forced him to raise his game to another level. And get some more passion and charisma into his presentation.

LIN: And isn't there a time or two when you've actually asked a question of the candidates and freaked them out a little bit?

HELMS: I can't personally take credit for that, but our show has done that a number of times and it's always a lot of fun because we are always in there sort of turning the screws a little bit and throw a little bit of irony into the mix and sometimes call people on issues or policies or ideas that they typically don't think about.

LIN: You have a favorite moment?

HELMS: So when you do -- I'm going to have to say my favorite moment of political coverage in the history of "The Daily Show" and this is a wide favorite among the staffers was when Steve Carell asked Senator McCain on the "Straight Talk Express" a bunch of softball questions and set him up and then asked him a really tough political question and it freaked him out, and it was a really great moment because it highlighted the discrepancy between a politician just sort of having fun and bantering and trying to get his image out there, looking good, and then all of a sudden being smacked with cold, hard reality.

LIN: You know, it's nice to cut through the sound bites and certainly when I watch your coverage you have a way of driving the point home. If not the facts. Definitely the point.

HELMS: Well, thanks -- hopefully it's just funny at the end of the day.

LIN: You bet, lots of fun. Thanks so much Ed.

HELMS: Thank you Carol.

LIN: Stay warm.

HELMS: You too.

96.
" Next Stop South Carolina " 
Airdate : January 28, 2004   

Jon:
With New Hampshire in the books, the next campaign stop (obviously there are seven primaries taking place next Tuesday) the completion of the race is going to change dramatically. Ed Helms has been following the Clark campaign, we take you out to him live for a quick update. Ed?

Ed:
(in back seat of a vehicle)
Thank you, Jon. I'm here somewhere along I-95 in the middle of a snowstorm, following the Clark campaign bus as it heads down to South Carolina. 'Not sure exactly where on I-95 (looks out the "window")  we just passed a Sabarros. But that's life on the road for a campaign reporter. I have been awake for 72 hours straight in New Hampshire, (smells a pair of his pants) now I'm trying to frantically keep pace with a bus named the "Wes Express", named for a caudate who by all accounts has little chance of capturing the nomination anymore. The bright side is that I get to pee in this (holds up a thermos) 

Jon:
Well, Ed clearly Clark is still in the race, but obviously he needs to make up some ground by next week. So...how do you think he's going to do that?

Ed:
(shaving with an electric razor) Sorry Jon, can you repeat that?

Jon:
What's Clark's strategy for this upcoming week? 

Ed:
Well, it would be irresponsible for me to speculate Jon, but if history is any guide, he'll be handing out coffee and donuts by 8 a.m. One thing I've learned about Clark he is a coffee and donut hander-outer. It will all be in my next report which will be most likely will be buried late into the show. Buried not unlike my worldly possessions in this rented Ford Windstar, or as I like to call it 'Casa De Helms"! (shoves a package of large McDonalds fries in his mouth) 

Jon:
Well, Ed, obviously you have a tough job and I know its difficult out there on the road, but you're doing great uh ... we really do appreciate it, your coverage has been outstanding, following a national campaign is extremely difficult thing to do...

Ed: (shirtless and bathing himself with a washcloth)

I'm not going to lie to you Jon, it isn't very easy being out here, but its all part of the job. I got my rag, I wash myself with it (someone in the audience groans) it ain't the four seasons, but its a small price to pay to take part in this great democratic process. God Bless America! And if God's watching, perhaps he can mention to Wes Clark to DROP OUT SO I DON'T HAVE TO SPEND ANYMORE TIME IN A MINIVAN THAT SMELLS LIKE TAINT! 

Jon:
Alright, Ed. Anything else?

Ed:
Jon?

Jon:
Yes, Ed?

Ed:
Will you tell my wife that I have another wife?

February