April 11, 2000

With Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert, and Jon Stewart

Steve:
Tonight's question.

Colbert:
Elian Gonalez, should he go back to Cuba and live with his father?

Steve:
No!

Colbert:
No!

Steve:
No? Why, you, no?

Colbert:
Steve, Cuba is the last vestige of an evil empire. A festering carbuncle of communism, waiting to be lanced by the shining scalpel of democracy. Sending that boy back to Castro's re-education camp would be the lowest form of child abuse.

Steve:
Stephen - Cuba's communist?

Colbert:
Yes, of course.

Steve:
But its in the carribean, right? I thought it was one of those Sandal's resorts, all inclusive. You know, a kind of swinger's paradise?

Colbert:
Well, maybe for Fidel it is. As he smokes cigars on a throne of human misery while his people subist on a diet of roasted conch shell with a dollop of dirt.

Steve:
(sighs) Ok, you got me.

Colbert:
If Cuba wasn't a problem for you, why dont' you want him to go back?

Steve:
Oh, ok...well, isn't it obvious, Stephen? A delicate boy like that shouldn't be with his father. I mean, think about it. If he goes there and lives with his father, you know what he's going to hear? 'No Elian, daddy can't go camping with you this summer. Things are just too crazy at work!' or, 'no son of mine is going to take pottery class!', or, 'why aren't you tougher? You get beat up in school, you fight back!  You don't go crying to the principal like a prissy little girl! Suck it up! Suck it up, Steve!'

Colbert:
Steve? We aren't talking about Elian anymore, are we?

Steve:
Of course we are. These are the issues that he is going to have to face.

Colbert:
I think those are the issues that you faced with your own father.

Steve:
No, this is not about me, Stephen. This is about a lonely little boy.

Colbert:
Steve...you need to work though these feelings. Now I know this is going to be hard for you. I want you to pretend that I'm your father. Now, just tell me how you feel.

Steve:
No, no, no. I'm not going to engage in a little childish game with you.

Colbert:
Son...I'm so proud of you...

Steve:
(coughs) Now in the states, Elian - 

Colbert:
I know I wasn't always there for you when you were a little boy, and I'm sorry.

Steve:
Family ... Elian ... Boat...

Colbert:
Steve...look at me, look at me, Stevie....

Steve:
Don't ... don't you, do, don't you do this! (tears up)

Colbert:
Steve? I love you, Steve.

Steve:
I hate you, I hate you! I hate - (bursts into tears)

Colbert:
Let it out...let it out.

Steve:
(bawling) I love you, daddy!!! I love you, daddy!!! (falls into Colbert's arms)

Colbert:
(singing) hush little baby, don't say a word...daddy's going to buy you a mocking bird...

Steve:
...he should go back with his daddy! Elian should be with his daddy!!

Colbert:
What? (let's go of Steve)

Steve:
Elian should be with his daddy!!

Colbert:
And raise some commie pinko!

Steve:
But papa...

Colbert:
You're weak! (slaps Steve) Like your mother! We should get you a bra and some panties so you can dance around you fairy! (Steve starts to shake, Jon tries to interrupt) I'm making a breakthrough here! Ooh! My daddy doesn't love me! Ooh! Boo-hoo-hoo! Well, my son is dead! (Steve sobs) I'm Stephen Colbert, and this has been Even Stephen.

(a few minutes later, after the commercial break)

Jon:
Welcome back to the show...we've mopped up Steve Carell's tears, tears of joy.

 

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