(July 31 2001)
With Jon Stewart and Steve Carell and two news guys named Jim Ryan and Dick Oliver.
Transcribed By Christina

Jon:
In these media-saturated times, more and more often, the reporting of news becomes news in and of itself. But have we hit the breaking point? For more we turn to Daily Show news analyst, Steve Carell, live in Times Square. Steve, thanks for joining us.

Steve:
Thanks Jon. Television is a high-stakes business. It's all about ratings now. That means gathering and reporting the news, while rewarding, can be very stressful. Case in point: Good Day New York anchor, Jim Ryan, and reporter, Dick Oilver. A routine report about a landlord-tenant dispute offered a disturbing taste of what happens when stress gets to be too much. Take a look.

(News clip: reporter standing in hallway next to a woman in a robe)

Dick: Alright, back to you Jim.

Jim: Ollie, don't let her go away! That's - this - does she have a response to that? She still there?

(Edit in clip)

Dick: She's back if you want her.

Jim: Yes, yes.

Dick: What would you like to know?

Jim: I would like to know a response to what the gentleman said. The gentleman's a very effective spokesperson for the company, but, uh, obviously, the people who live there are not satisfied with his explanation.

Dick: (Confused) Right. So what do you want now?

Jim: Well, if I have to teach you how to be a reporter, Ollie, I'll do that later.

Dick: Well, why don't you do that later, Jim. I think the lady expressed herself, and you're not here, you're there . . . Is there any question you'd like me to ask her?

Jim: Uh, no, I - I'll - I'll give you lessons on how to become a reporter later.

Dick: Well, I'll give you some lessons on how to be an editor, 'cause I was your boss once.

Jim: Yeah, you were? And are no longer! How'd that happen?

(End of clip)

Steve:
(Laughing) Uncomfortable. (Stops laughing and looks serious) Uncomfortable - and fake. Yes, with more news outlets vying for a smaller and smaller piece of the ratings pie, many are resorting to sensational stunts, and sadly, this is one of them.

(Cut to split screen with Steve in Times Square on one side and Jon in studio on the other)

Jon:
That was a stunt? It seemed pretty genuine to me.

Steve:
All staged. They wrote it, they rewrote it, they rehearsed it, and they performed it for rating, Jon, just for ratings.

Jon:
Steve, I find that very difficult to believe. The men are professional journalists, there's a level of ethics and integrity involved here. You're saying that that fight on-camera was completely manufactured?

Steve:
Hell-ooooo! I'm sorry, I was under the impression that you actually worked in television.

Jon:
Well it just seems pretty far-fetched, Steve. All that trouble for a few extra viewers? I, uh, I don't buy it.

Steve:
Oh. So, I'm a liar? I have nothing better to do than sit around and fabricate a report?

Jon:
I'm just saying, I wouldn't put it past you to make something like this up. That's all.

Steve:
Make up? Well at least I can think for myself! Half the time you can't even pronounce the words on the teleprompter! What, is the altitude getting to you sitting on all those phone books, Jon?

Jon:
You know what? Alright, Steve. Perhaps you'd like to use one of these phonebooks to look up a rehab clinic! (Closes one nostril with fingers and stiffs with the other)

Steve:
Ok. Alright. You wanna go? You wanna go right now?

Jon:
Oh, you wanna piece?

Steve:
You wanna piece?

Jon:
You want some?

Steve:
I'll slap you silly!

(Both pause)

Jon:
Wow!

Steve:
That was nice.

Jon:
That was really good!

Steve:
(Pulls out a script from his back pocket) That was good!

Jon:
Really good, Steve! That sounded good! Wasn't it?

Steve:
Oh man! That was so real! That was great.

Jon:
It was unbelievable. When we're going back and forth like that, and it's really working, it's like sex. It's like, bang! You know?

Steve:
(Laughs) You kinda scared me there. Oh, uh, one thing.

Jon:
Yeah?

Steve:
Not to nitpick, but, uh, you added a line on page two.

(Jon begins looking through his script)

Steve:
The, uh, you know, the whole thing, the uh, the sniffing gesture?

Jon:
Oh, oh, oh! Yeah, yeah, no, I was just improvising that.

Steve:

Ok, yeah, if you could just stick to the script next time. You're kinda throwing me off.

Jon:
Just work with me. If I gotta give you lessons on how to be an actor, I'll do that later.

Steve:
Yeah, why don't you do that later, Mr. "Playing By Heart"-direct-to-video! I, uh, I used to be your acting teacher!

Jon:
Yeah, and now you're out in the field. How'd that happen?

Steve:
Oh yeah? Well last night I was out in the field covering your wife!

Jon:
(Looks horrified, then begins smiling) That was nice. That was good. Really good.

Steve:
(Pulls the script back out of his jacket) Thank you.

Jon:
That was really good.

Steve:
Oh man!

Jon:
I thought that that was really really good.

Steve:
I have to tell you, I am so glad we rehearsed that.

Jon:
I know.

Steve:
That really felt good.

Jon:
Well, I - I think it's also when two professional guys are going at each other. It's just -

Steve:
Yeah.

Jon:
We'll do notes after the show.

Steve:
Ok. Oh, uh, Jon? I really did have sex with your wife.

Jon:
Well that - that's great, Steve.

Steve:
No, no, seriously. I banged your wife. No more scripts. Nothing.

Jon:
St - Steve Carell everybody. We'll be right back.