May, 2000
With Jon Stewart, Stephen:
Colbert, and Steve Carell
Transcribed by Melissa (I never got to see this, so just take her word on it)
Jon:
Reality-based programming is changing the face of entertainment. Here to discuss
its pros and cons, Steve Carell and Stephen:
Colbert in tonight's Even Steph/Ven.
Stephen:
Tonight's question; reality-based TV - does America really need more?
Steve:
Yes!
Stephen:
No!
Steve:
Yeeessss! (shows clips from first Survivor series) This latest wave of
reality programming has taken America by storm, and I love it! Being… bring on
the castaways eating raw rat! Place a fragile, elderly woman in mortal danger.
That old lady… she was really bleeding. What a welcome relief to the
predictable TV plotline of boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets a talking
car. Reality television is entertainment as fresh assss… right now! Dah!
Stephen:
That's as maybe some-evers, Steve, but if freshness is your only
requirement why not point the camera at a newly-minted turd. Will that satisfy
your entertainment, or rather your "excre"tainemnt needs? If you want
truth, if you want reality, what about cinema verite where at least you
have de nu monde, raison d'etre, mison sandre?
Steve:
Call me old-fashioned, Stephen, but I am a people-person. I enjoy people
and the things they do. And seeing people doing things is for me an explosive
combination.
Stephen:
That's enough? That's all you enjoy?
Steve:
No, I'm also a fan of… shiny objects, and… bright colors. An
occasional sound.
Stephen:
Well, let's see just how fascinating reality really is. Take a look at
this hidden camera footage.
(Footage of Steve typing at his computer. Steve stops and smells his fingers.
Then picks up keyboard and sniffs it several times. Puts keyboard down. Goes
back to smelling fingers. Licks them. Resumes typing.)
Stephen:
What could possibly happen next? I'm sitting on the edge of my coma!
Steve:
You're right. That guy's pretty good.
Stephen:
That guy is you.
Steve:
What? (looks at TV monitor with paused image of Steve sniffing
fingers)
Stephen:
Yeah, it's you.
Steve:
Really? (excited) Hey-hey!
Stephen:
The point is, Steve, not everything is worth watching. Not everything
deserves a… Steve?
(Steve is busy looking at a live image of himself on the TV monitor. He's
growling and making "monster claws" with his hands)
Stephen:
Steve!
Steve:
Yeah?
Stephen:
What are you doing?
Steve:
(giggling, pointing at montior)… uh… a TV show…
Stephen:
It's a monitor, not a TV show…
Steve:
(waves hands around and makes funny noises)
AHHH! OOOH-AHHH! ARRRGHHH!
EEEEEE! (pointing at forehead) I'm sweating! (in funny voice,Steve does the old "disappearing thumb" trick, yelling and making
more funny noises) AHHH! AHHHHHHAHHHH! HOO-HOO-HOO!
Stephen:
(laughing) That's pretty good. That's pretty funny - hey, watch this!(makes his hand appear on the monitor behind Steve's head, pretending
that it is a shark attacking Steve's face)
Steve:
AHH! AHHHHH! ARRGRYHHHHH!
Stephen:
Wait! Wait! Get down… get down!
(Stephen and Steve duck down under the desk, giggling like little boys.)
Stephen:
raises one hand up over the desk like a hand puppet, the index and pinky fingers
extended like "dog ears")
Stephen:
(high-pitched voice) I am Mr. Fox!
(Steve raises his hand like a puppet, fingers down)
Steve:
(high-pitched voice) I am Mr. Goose!
Stephen:
Helloooo, Mr. (laughing) Goose!
Steve:
Helloooo, Mr. Fox!
Steve and Stephen:
Hello! Hello! (puppets "kiss" and
giggle)
Jon:
Guys… hey, guys? Guys… GUYS! PLEASE! Over here! Guys, over here…
(Puppets turn their "heads" in Jon's direction)
Jon:
Guys… un, no… I need to see all of you. I need to see your heads, your
bodies, please.
(Steve and Stephen get up from under the desk and sit back in their chairs)
Jon:
What are you doing?
Stephen:
(quietly) Nothing…
Steve:
whispers something about "exercise"
Stephen:
Steve, I think we can both agree that what constitutes entertainment is
in the eye of the beholder.
Steve:
Absolutely.
Stephen:
I'm Stephen Colbert.
Steve:
And I'm Steve Carell.
Stephen:
And this has been…
(Steve and Stephen look at each other, grin
impishly, and make their hand puppets again)
Steve and Stephen:
(high-pitched voices) The Fox and Goose Show! I love you I
love you Mr. Fox I love you Mr. Goose I love you love love love! (puppets make
kissy and giggle).
Jon:
Thank you Steve, thank you Stephen.