March, 2001

With Jon Stewart and Nancy Walls

Jon Stewart:
Do the changes in store for napster spell death for free music? With more we are going to turn to our senior audio technology analysis, Nancy Walls. Nancy?

Nancy Walls:
Thank you, Jon. The rights to enjoy other people's work without paying for it is guaranteed in the constitution, or at least a constitution.  Clearly these developments are major set backs. But the good news is there are many ways to get your ears on free music.

Jon:
That's a good point, what are ways people can still get free music?

Nancy:
Scientists are experimenting with a new technology in which invisible vibrations from high-powered antennae are broadcasted and converted into sounds like personal receivers that can be installed in your home or even in the dashboard of your car!

Jon:
You mean radio?

Nancy:
Ooh...someone's been reading the trade ads! But it doesn't stop there! They may seem a little old fashioned, but record stores are actually a plentiful source of today's hottest tunes. And almost any song you're looking for can be easily downloaded into your jacket pocket while your boyfriend distracts the clerk.

Jon:
That's...isn't that shoplifting?

Nancy:
Filesharing, Jon. And, depending on how fast your run, its 40 times faster than a standard modem.

Jon:
Alright Nancy, let's assume I'm not willing to shoplift, what can I do?

(pause)

Nancy:
Well, you could grow some balls...

(audience boos)

Jon:
I'm sorry?

Nancy:
Well, you know...or you could be the record company's bitch!

Jon:
I'm nobody's bitch, I just don't want to steal.

Nancy:
Ooh...I'm Jon Stewart, I want to pay royalties to artists because I'm a bitch! I'm  a bitch! I'm a big-bitchy-bitch! Bitch!

Jon:
Alright...thank you Nancy...

Nancy:
You know, Skateboarding is not a crime, Jon!

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