August, 2002

With Jon Stewart and Ed Helms

Jon Stewart:
For More on these ridiculous stories we go to our chief criminologist Ed Helms live in The Daily Show Crime Center. Ed's worked in the field of forensics, highly recognized, and many thing he's the inspiration for C.S.I Miami. Ed, thanks for joining us, I don't even know what to say about these frauds, these crimes. The American people have seen their share of white collar crime in recent months, are we now numb to this sort of thing? Do we have any outrage left for these people?

Ed Helms:
Jon, clearly the frauds perpetrated at Ground Zero and the Whitehouse Mail Room lack the financial heft of an Enron or a Global Crossing, but what the crimes lack in monetary zazz, they more than make up for in what we in the field call 'scumosity'. This crime has a scumosity rating that's off the charts. You normally see a number like this if say Charles Manson ate a puppy that was being trained as a seeing eye dog for someone who went blind saving children-retarded children. It's a high number.

Jon:
Well, many of the perpetrators are now in custody, what happens now?

Ed:
Well, most of them will cop a plea, and unless they have a prior record, they will not see any jail time.

Jon:

Really! I gotta say that's a little unsatisfacting.

Ed:
Eh, sure, but eventually they will die, in which point they will end up somewhere in here. Most likely in the seventh circle of hell. I think you can see it better in a hell cross section. Somewhere between cleaning maggots off of Hitler's eternal bedsores, and the person who gave the go-ahead to the Anna Nicole Smith E! Show. Level eight is house wares. (Ed laughs) that's a little Dante's Inferno joke for you.

Jon:
Basically, you're saying the only true chance for justice for these people is going to come if you believe in Heaven or Hell?

Ed:
Oh! You're a karma man! Reincarnation's your bag. Well, then think of these folks as coming back as bacteria on tick's anuses. But that's just one criminologists opinion. Jon?

Jon:
Thank you very much, Ed. The audience is going to go now and wash their mouths out. This is the most squeamish audience I've ever seen. They thought they were coming to see Mama Mia or something. 'Ticks anuses' just made them vomit. 'You're not the nice man from the TV'...

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