Thursday, October 16, 2003
I'm I'm Just Eating Soup With My Dad That Looks Like My Grandpa....Nothing Going On Here...
Why do little boys back in the late 1970's look like they're holding some sort of horrible, horrible secret? And its usually at the hands of the man sitting next to him....
Little side note, my mom used to have a "map" just like the one behind the boy in the 80's in our "study" room
posted by Connie Vandelay at 8:06 PM
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
And Yes, They Played The Song
I wonder what little tiny garden snakes eat. They're too little to eat mice, I'm guessing. Maybe they eat little insects. Yeah, that's probably it.
I saw Ed Helms in a Vh1 All Access Celbrity Crybabies special this evening. Man, vh1 is really scraping the barrel on the "all access" specials now, aren't they?
posted by Connie Vandelay at 10:56 PM
Spare Tires That Were Made For Geo Metros Put Inside Ford Escorts
i'm just going to tell "everyone" what I told my orientation teacher via e-mail:
I'm sure you got my voice mail message, but I wanted to confirm with you why I did not show up to class today. I live in Wakefield and right before I got to the ferry (around 10:30 a.m) , I got a flat tire, and my brother and law had to come and put a spare on. There was no way that the small spare tire could have gotten me to school, so I had to go back to my house. By the time I got back to my house it was 12:00, and it takes me an hour and a half to get to school. (and I do not have a spare car, and my father was at work, and my brother and law had to go to work also).
I had a presentation in class today, so that sucked. What also sucks is I left my signature in one of the mails I sent her. So I had to take down the enter page for my weblog. I'm sure she would of never looked at it, but you never know..
posted by Connie Vandelay at 2:35 PM
Monday, October 13, 2003
Bring Your Own Lid Day At Starbucks
I had a dream I held you in my arms last night....
I really want a laptop for Christmas this year. The computer I have now (A Hewlitt Packard from 2000) is starting to show its age, and its getting to the point where its getting harder for me to see the small print on the monitor (I have the kind of desk where the monitor is on its own shelf in the corner of the desk), and I'd like to do my work from my bed or sitting on the floor.
"I don't know what a gynecologist would say, but its like 'woah, where's your vagina?"
-Ed on Alanis Morressete's "Thank U" video.
My day basically started at 1 a.m., when I set an alarm to watch the "What Were You Thinking?" special on M2 (Ed Helms was in it, and a whole bunch of other great comedians) and it was so worth waking up for it. I was just going to record Ed's parts (for the site), but I decided to just record the entire thing. After the show I went back to bed, but I didn't fall asleep until 3 a.m. I guess it was Monday anxiety. I always got it when I was going to school.
When I went to Starbucks today the only lids they had were for the tall drinks, so I had to get a small cappunchino. When I was in there, I ran into "moccasin guy". He's a guy who works somewhere around the area that I've seen at Starbucks a few times, and he always gets this venti coffee, and he always wears grey slip on shoes that look like slippers. We had a talk about the parking at my school while I was putting sugar and half and half in my drink.
I also got a handwriting analysis at school, but I'll bring that up tomorrow. And I got 1 point away from a C on my psychology test. So I'm going to do some extra credit in class
posted by Connie Vandelay at 2:51 PM
Sunday, October 12, 2003
A Fancier, Funnier Farm Aid
The next time I'm backstabber somewhere I gotta run around backstage and sing:
I really should be studying for Art History instead of watching "I Love The 80's" for the millionth time. I know this sounds a little teeny-bop, but I hope Ed Helms is in "I Love The 80's Strike Back". I mean almost everyone else (with the exception of Rob Corddry, Stephen Colbert, Steve Carell, and I'm not even going to put Jon on that list, because he wouldn't be on something like that in a million years) from Daily Show has been on there, past and present. Even Stacey Grenrock-Woods was in "I Love The 70's" for one second. That would make my week next week if Rob Corddry or Ed is in that series.
posted by Connie Vandelay at 7:51 PM
Saturday, October 11, 2003
She Done Dared
Best. Cartoon. Ever. I want that made into several stickers, and I want to put one on my car, but of course it could only be seen in parking lots, unless someone is tailgating me. Oh, wait, that's what rednecks do.
I'm sure someone wrote into Daily Press' feedback and complained about how offended they were about that comic. You know why? Because they were the ones the lady in the comic was trying to keep away in her yard. (that was lame, I know)
posted by Connie Vandelay at 11:43 AM
Friday, October 10, 2003
Get Old Tests, And Talk To "Old" Students
Everyone remembers the VH1 show "Pop Up Video", and everyone knows why it went downhill in three years because VH1 popped up everything, and everyone did imatations to it, etc...well, even after all these years, whenever I hear a song that I heard for the first time on Pop Up Video, during a certian line I always think about what was "popped" at that moment in the video. For example, in Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney's "Say Say Say" when Paul says:
"Now, go, go go..."
I always get this image in my head of the pop up video bubble and something about The Go-Go's on it. Like the year they broke up I think.
Another thing that killed that show was that they popped up every single new video on VH1. I liked it better when they popped up more obscure videos. The show totally Jumped The Shark for me when they popped up one of their Diva's concerts.
Now that I think about it, Office Space didhave a lot of goofs in it...
posted by Connie Vandelay at 3:38 PM
Thursday, October 09, 2003
I get a lot of wrong number phone calls on my cell phone, and I think I'm going to start answering my phone in my corniest, white-ist voice:
posted by Connie Vandelay at 3:04 PM
When I was on the ferry coming home earlier this evening, there was these two men who walked by, and one of them said (I swear to you) 1...2...3...:
"I went to the bathroom I sat down and started shitting, and...."
and I didn't hear the rest of the conversation. I have no clue what the story was about, or why he had to bring up the fact that he was going to the restroom. I wanted to pull a Lewis Black (in his famous comedy bit about 'if it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have gotten into college"--it was something like that. I probably didn't get it right knowing me.) and say "why...why...why did you say that?" I thought it was really crass when I heard it on the ferry, but now I keep on giggling about it. Which means only one thing, I'm an immature bastard. Wait, and the thing that kills me about the whole thing is when the guy said "shitting"he put his hands around his body and stooped down as if he...well you know.
If someone is readng this for the first time, I am not an immature person who writes about poop jokes all the time, I swear.
posted by Connie Vandelay at 1:35 AM
Just Go Up To Him And Say "Robot Roll Call!"
Brandon and I went to Starbucks after English class today. He was driving, and we cut off someone which scared the hell out of me. I explained to him about my anxiety problem and how road rage is one of my biggest fears. When we got there, it took him about five minutes to decide what he wanted (Tazo tea), and we sat in the nice, comfy hairs.("these are the chairs!") and I told him that at my house none of the chairs are really that comfortable because everything is victorian reproductions,and he gave me this look like he sympathize with me. Somewhere in the conversation we had I told him how I always bring a camera with me everywhere, and he said that I should be a photographer, and I told him that I took photography in high school and I didn't like it, and that we had to watch these cheesy early 90's Canadian videos sponsored by Kodak, and he asked if they were like sex ed films, and I said no, and then for some reason, we started to talk about sex. ed. classes , and I said that the guys got to watch more videos, and that the girls at my middle school were envious that the guys got to see the video about masturbation, and we didn't. Thank god nobody was in there (expect for the baristas) because we got pretty loud talking about that subject. (shaaaammmee....)
We also brought up how one of the guys in our English class looks like Mike Nelson from Mystery Science Theater 3000. I said "we should ask them where his robot friends are".
posted by Connie Vandelay at 12:02 AM
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
This Sad Oboe Music...
Brandon's reactions to Ashley's study guide for history:
Sophies...followers of Sophie!
It's the dark age! It's when the lights went out!
Plato! Inventor of modeling clay!
Assyrian Empire? Yeah, they were buttholes!
Homer? The one with the donuts?
The Good Emperors? The best band ever!
Edict of Milan? That was when they had to decide on a new chocolate!
Ok, maybe to most people reading this it sounds pretty lame, but Ashley and I got a huge kick out of it since we were so tired of studying for the history test that none of us probably did well on. When we had to indentify some of the names on the study gude, all of the ones Brandon made jokes about were the ones we had to do short answers on! I was very tempted to put one of Brandon's replies on the test, but I didn't have the balls to. Professor Biank is the kind of guy who eats nails for breakfast. He never laughs at anything.
Speaking of history class, as I walked out of the building, I got my "failure" music in my head (Radiohead's "Life in a glasshouse" -- I hope I got the title right) as I quietly walked to my car.
posted by Connie Vandelay at 5:32 PM
Monday, October 06, 2003
Is is wrong that that turns me on?
Yes...I got the Stop Smiling Magazine today. I'll try to scan some more in tomorrow or Wednesday after I get home from classes.
I was with this girl in my psy. class before class today, and this woman walked by who is in our class, and right after she walked by, the girl who I was talking to whispered to me:
posted by Connie Vandelay at 9:30 PM
Sunday, October 05, 2003
I'm A Blanket! You Sure Are..
I made a transcript of a Conan bit from earlier this year on Thursday, I believe:
Conan: Why talk about the special? Let's talk to the man himself, please welcome, Michael Jackson!
Conan: Welcome, Michael
Michael:Don't welcome me!
Michael : I am so livid!
Conan: You sound pretty upset, Michael.
Michael : MMM-HMM! That's right, Conan! I'm a seething caldron of rage and testerone! I'm so mad I want to pick something up and dangle it from a balcony!
Conan: Okay...you really are mad aren't you?
Michael:I'm so livid. I could dangle a while preschool!
Conan: So, Michael, that's pretty mad for you.
Michael:Can I ask you one thing?
Michael:Can I buy that painting of you?
[I believe a few minutes earlier here was a sketch involving a "naked" painting of Conan]
Conan: No, I don't want you to have that painting of me. No!
Michael:I am so mad!
Conan: No! So, you're upset about the show last night?
Michael:That's right, Conan! They betrayed me. They're devilish!
Conan: Yes, they're very devilish. But you let this man interview you for eight months.
Michael:I agreed to that interview, but I never agreed to let people watch it.
Conan: Ok, uh...
Michael:I'm so mad...I got a big can of whoop-ass!
Conan: That's true. You do.
Michael:It's in my pants, Conan!
Conan: Ok, I didn't want to know where it's at. You leave that whoop-ass right where it is. Now, Michael, I have to ask you a few questions about some of the things you said. You actually called...
Michael : MMM-HMM!
Conan: Are you going to do that the entire time I ask you a question?
Conan: Okay...you uh...
Conan: Actually said in your special that you call your youngest child blanket? That's a little odd.
Michael:Oh, please. So ignorant. Blanket is an ancient word that means blessing. You didn't know that?
Conan: I'm sorry, I didn't mean...
Michael:And I have a new daughter on the way, and I'm going to call her Dust Ruffle?
Conan: You're going to call her Dust Ruffle? What does that mean?
Michael : It means that I'm insane.
Conan: Ok, so, but Michael, you're admitting you're insane?
Michael:Oh, please! You say that there's an ancient word that means blanket.
Michael:I'm a blanket! MMM-HMM!
Conan: What about your plastic surgery?
Conan: You actually claim that the only plastic surgery you've had was on your nose.
Michael: Conan, oh please! Conan, that's such ignorance.
Conan: What?! You said that the only place you've had it is on your nose.
Michael: 'Nose' is an ancient word that means 'everything above the knees'!
Michael: And two is an ancient number that means 6,572!
Conan: That's great, Michael.
Michael: And sleeping with Macuauly Culkin is an ancient phrase ----
Conan: Ok, that's fine, thank you...
posted by Connie Vandelay at 7:53 PM
Saturday, October 04, 2003
It's Funny Because It's True!
(originally posted in my other weblog on March 9, 2003)
I was reading the jump the shark site (not the book, the book was eh), and I was reading the page on Home Improvement, and this is so true:
"How did the Taylor family pay the bills? By Tim doing a Public Access cable TV show??? Since when do they pay you to do Public Access? And they sure had great production values for a cable show. Why was there a makeup area? NO such thing with cable. And how did they fill the audience each time? You would be lucky to get 10 people. And Tim would come home from "work" with a garment bag like he was coming back from some real important business meeting or something. He was doing woodworking and repairs on TV in what...a tuxedo? This show had nothing to do with reality.....NOTHING! "
I thought I was the only person who noticed the garment bag thing....it was in every episode I think. Tim would come home (though the garage door into the kitchen) and hang the garment bag somewhere. It was like a recourring thing, or something.
I thought Home Improvement was the greatest show ever (other than Simpsons) when I was in fourth grade, and I admit it, sometimes I do watch Home Improvement when its on TBS or something. I think Randy was my favorite character, not because of the whole "JTT Is Such A Hottie!" thing, it was because he was the funniest of the three boys on the show. I stopped watching after 1996, and I caught the last episode, and I thought the ending was kind of lame. (Tim literary moves the house to wherever they moved to, I forget).
I remember when I was 11, I got to meet the guy who played Al (Richard Karn, I think?) at the Newmarket Fair mall in Newport News. (this was before the mall died, it was on its last legs at this point) and I got his autograph, and he wore his "Al" outfit (the plaid flannel shirt). I know my mom took a picture of Al signing an autograph for me. (I think I still have the autograph somewhere), but I don't know where the acutal picture is.
posted by Connie Vandelay at 9:55 PM
It's Awfully Cold Here, Aunt Shelia
Coincidence? I think not.
posted by Connie Vandelay at 9:41 PM
Friday, October 03, 2003
Played Bluegrass Style!
My mom bought some cheap, stinky, mushy shrimp today so if I'm sick this weekend, you'll know why.
I had bubble tea for the first time today. There is this place at the Coliseum Mall that sells ethnic drinks from Korea and they had bubble tea. I had the peppermint kind, and I thought it was just ok. The candy balls at the bottom of got an odd texture to them after a while, but it came in a pretty package. The shrinkwrapped lid had a little dinosaur character on it, and something written in Japanese and Korean.
I hope I get my issue of Stop Smiling this weekend in the mail. I need my Ed Helms fix.
posted by Connie Vandelay at 10:32 PM
Thursday, October 02, 2003
(something I posted in the live journal MST3K community:)
I was looking at the mst3k newsgroup, and there was a thread about Merlin's Shop
being on this week, and this post made me laugh for way too long:
"- The stinger is kinda priceless, a kid chanting "Rock 'n Roll Martian"
while he's wearing funny glasses and playing with dolls. It sure sounds
like "F***in' ol Martian", but hey, I'll give him the benifit of the
Someone told me that the woman who played Pearl (Mary Jo Pehl) said the same exact thing:
"To wit: "Rock and roll martian..." We laughed very hard, we played it over and over again, and there was a lot of discussion about what the kid was saying. It sounds like he could be saying "F***ing old martian..." It seems to be such a pure kid moment - how did they get it on film? "
I've listened to the linked wav. file two times, and I all I hear is "rock n' roll martian!" I guess I know the scene so well that I just don't hear it anymore.
posted by Connie Vandelay at 8:04 PM
If I don't save the wee turtles, who will?
Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No...he looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then
I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.
-- Marge's secret death-wish, "Bart's Girlfriend"
posted by Connie Vandelay at 6:50 PM
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
"Do You Have A Miss Piggy?"
The weather was so nice today. It was nice and chilly and in the morning it was cloudy. I wore my "Simone From Head Of The Class Inspired Skirt" today. (It's a long red flannel plaid skirt that looks like it could of came from the 1980's).
I had a vanilla frappichino at Starbucks today that made me sick later on in the day. Fun! It wasn't Starbucks' fault, it was my fault. I shouldn't be drinking things like that. Brandon calls them "crappchinos" due to that uh...reason. When I went to Starbucks to get the aforementioned drink that made me sick, there was the cutest dog just sitting in front of the store waiting for its owner. I said hello to the dog (yes, I say hi to dogs) and it was as though the dog understood that I said hello to him.
As much as I enjoy going to classes, I just think I'm going to do "average" in community college. I have the heart in it, but my work just isn't as well as the other students in my class. Maybe it's because of the age difference? Around 80% of the people in my classes just got out of high school so they're used to doing work. I haven't been to school in two years, so I'm still trying to get used to doing reading assignments again and writing papers. I had the dreaded "what happened?" talk with my English professor today over a paper that I got D on. I told her that I must of just totally missed the point of the op-ed column we had to read and answer questions on, but I got the most difficult question right on the reading assignment. I also told her that I couldn't stand someone in the class. I had to tell her before I went bat shit insane in class. He feels like he has to put his smart-ass redneck opinion in everything anyone says in the class. She said that she'd have a talk to him about it. (yeah right) Brandon can just see me clinching my fists whenever big mouth opens his well, big mouth.
posted by Connie Vandelay at 10:13 PM