May, 2000
With Jon Stewart, Vance DeGeneres, Steve Carell, and Beth Littleford
(transcribed by Melissa)
Jon:
We've enjoyed peace and prosperity, but
what about our future? Only by comparing this decade with past decades can we
begin to understand just where we're headed as people. The Daily Show Chief
Historical Parallelists Vance DeGeneres and Steve Carell are here to break it
down for us. Gentlemen?
Vance:
Ah, America. Gas guzzlers, popular prime-time game shows, and that
God-hating islander Fidel Castro, Well, if you think that I'm talking about the
1990's, you can "sit on it, Potsie". The 90's were a carbon copy of
the 50's, a perfect time in America. Things have been, in a word, Eisenhow-Aryan.
Steve:
I'm afraid I'll have to disagree, Vance. The 90's were in fact (put on a
1920's straw hat) more like the 20's. The…
Vance:
(interrupts) What are you doing?
Steve:
A visual aid.
(Vance shakes his head. Steve removes the hat)
Steve:
Jon, we're living in a new Jazz Age, headed for a fall, but without all
the… jazz. We have a booming stock market, an exuberant party atmosphere, and
of course Prohibition. We are speeding towards another Great Depression!
Jon:
I don't… I don't mean to interrupt again… uh, I don't think that we
have Prohibition anymore. I think they repealed that in, actually, 1933.
Steve:
Really.
Jon:
Yeah.
Steve:
My bootlegger's been lying to me.
Jon:
Look, you're both making interesting points but I'd like to go back to
this. (addresses Vance) You point out that the 1950's were a perfect time in
America, but what about segregation and McCarthyism?
Vance:
Oh yes, McCarthyism - that was fan-tastic! Back then, strong men had the
courage to rid our nation of the communist menace.
Steve:
Vance, this might be the bathtub gin talking, but that is reprehensible!
Vance:
Typical talk from a leftist agitator.
Steve:
Leftist agitator?
Vance:
Leftist agitator.
Steve:
What? No! Where do you get off calling me a leftist agitator?
(Vance presents Steve with a thick folder full of papers)
Vance:
Just look at this dossier.
Steve:
Where did that come from?
Vance:
For a Steve Carell, or should I say Steve "Michael" Carell?
Look at this photo:
(Shot of Steve with two men sitting looking over their restaurant bill
together)
Vance:
Here's Steve at a coffee house suggesting that he and his
"comrades" split the check, evenly. Real Americans pay for their own
Borsht, Vladimir.
Steve:
(sweating, laughing nervously) I am not a communist!
Jon:
You know, lets just stop the witch-hunt for a moment. Steve, you say your
point is we're like the 20's and we're headed for a crash. Is that because, like
the 1920's, our stock market is wildly overvalued and speculation is rampant?
Steve:
Nooooo… it's because, like the 90's, the people of the
20's had a really horny president. The market crashed due to a delinquency of
leadership caused by Calvin Coolidge's never-ending quest for tail.
(shows stock footage of President Collidge)
Coolidge ran for president in 1924 with the motto "Keep Cool With
Coolidge", which advisors picked over his personal favorite, "It's All
Pink Inside!" He was also into roll-playing…
(photo of Coolidge wearing elaborate Native American headdress)
"Calvin make long love to flapper squaw for many moons!"
Jon:
You know, Steve, where do you get this information?!
Steve:
Just look at the guy.
Vance:
He's obviously horny.
Jon:
No… you know, you've made your point. You say 50's, you say 20's. Do you
have any predictions on what's going to happen?
Vance:
Well Jon, if I were John F. Kennedy I'd watch my ass.
Steve:
And I predict more and more people will be drinking in bars.
(Beth Littleford appears "via satellite" on a country road in front of
a mountain. For some reason, she is wearing water-wings)
Beth:
Jon! Jon… yeah, I have something to add.
Jon:
Yes! We're joined… uh, Beth Littleford is joining us live via satellite.
Beth?
Beth:
Jon, I'm here in the dusty foothills of Appalachia. I've spent the entire
day distributing spring water, skin care products, and foie gras on water
crackers, yeah, to the rural poor. I have listened to Steve and Vance and I am
sickened. This decade is like every decade where the people of the land struggle
to survive.! Now until we solve the problems or our disadvantaged, our nation…
can go no further (sobs)… excuse me…. (starts singing) Look foooor the Union
la-bel… uh, la, la, la, la….
Vance:
Beth… that's very touching, Beth, but if may interject - go back to
Russia, Natasha!
Steve:
If Coolidge were alive there'd be less whining and more
"groaning", if you catch my drift.
Jon:
Well thank you Beth for the good work, and thank you Steve and Vance, we're
learned nothing.