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Synopsis (October, 2002)

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20.
"Mark Your Calendar: October"

Airdate: October 1, 2002

In this third installment of "Mark Your Calendar" Ed goes over events in October:
Diversity Awareness Month

"October: you can smell it in the air. Another thing we'll be smelling all month long is Diversity because October is Diversity Awareness Month. It's a month to tell people of all races, genders, and nationalities, 'I'm aware of you, I respect you, and I guess I'll catch you later.'

October 7: Squirrel Awareness Week

"And what self-respecting diversity month wouldn't honor the contributions of squirrel Americans. October seventh marks the start of Squirrel Awareness Week. So, grab one of those rascals, and give 'em a big hug and a kiss, and then its only 199 days until May: Rabies Awareness month."

October 11: National Depression Screening Day

"Smack dab in the middle of Squirrelness Awareness Week (yes, he really said that) is National Depression Screening Day. People get depressed for a lot of reasons. One could be that squirrels get a whole week, and that they only get a day. I dunno, just a thought"

October 16-20: International Infection Control Week

"For people who don't like itching and pus, October 16 though the 20th is International Infection Control Week. I don't want to editorialize here, but shouldn't every week be International Infection Control week? Maybe its just my cymatia (sp?) talking."

October 31: Halloween

And, of course there's the thirty-first: Halloween. No matter what color your skin is, if you're gay you love Halloween! It's a time to dress up and pretend you're someone else - just like when you lived with your parents! (someone throws a football helmet at Ed, and he catches it) 'I'm going as a football player who dates girls!' Enjoy October, everyone!"

21.
" Just Sayin' "

Airdate: October 2, 2002

Ed is in "Washington D.C." talking about Ari Fleicher's (sp?) remark about him hinting around that assassinating Saddam Hussein would be cheaper than an all out war (or something like that). Ed suggest cheaper ways to get Hussein out of office (poisoned tea, blow darts, and the vulcan death grip). Ed suggestion is to kill him with kindness, and then winks. Ed goes on to say that Ari wasn't making an official statement, he was "just sayin" ("You know, like 'this war sure would be easier if one of Saddam's bodyguards shot him in exchange for ten million dollars and a condo in Tampa St. Peter. I'm just sayin' !") Ed also brings up something him and the old Whitehouse hens remembered when Kennedy's press sectary  said that "Not for nothing, but wouldn't it be nice if someone wacked Castro, I'm just sayin' ".


22.
" We (heart) sho-biz #1 "

Airdate: October 7, 2001

Ed and Lauren Weedman (who took the place of Steve Carell and Nancy Walls for this segment) "report" on celebrity "news", such as Rosie Magazine folding (Lauren: "At least we still have O Magazine" Ed: And Penthouse! Lauren: Oh, Ed you and your pornography!") the People Magazine Best and worst dressed list ("Christina Arguela knows what the girls want, and its not boring undergarments, that's 'fer sure!"), Nick Nolte's arrest, The Osbournes, and Liza Minelli's Reality Show.

Personal Note: You gotta love Ed's "antenna hair".

23.
" The Road To Washington " (or as I like to call it "I'm Ed Helms")

Airdate: October 14, 2002

Ed and a camera crew go to Washington D.C. on a cold, dreary, rainy day to search for the soul of democracy, and to explain why The Daily Show is going to be there on October 28-31 (2002) to shoot some shows in the nation's capital. Since its hard to "synoposize" this, I just made transcripts of the "wrap around intro things":

"Hello, I'm Ed Helms, and this is our nation's capital. Where legislation is chiseled from the very bedrock of democracy. And this is a pretzel (holds up a pretzel). As we approach the 2002 midterm elections, upon which the fate of the world depends on (a shot appears on the screen of Jon Stewart mouthing "on us"). We find ourselves asking what is that makes America worth voting for. I've come to Washington to find out. You know, the twists and turns a bill has to take to get though this building is a lot like the twists and turns in this (takes a bite out of the aforementioned pretzel) disappointedly stale snack. (turns around to camera #2) Hello, I'm Ed Helms. The issues that shape our nation are debated not just here in Washington, but in national capitals across the country. One such issue is the high cost of health insurance. Rob Corddry finds out just who to blame...

The Great Emancipator, the rail splitter, Honest Abe. Abraham Lincoln, one of our nation's greatest historical figures, his epic debates with Mike Douglass are the stuff of legends. His discovery of the copper penny quadrupled the nations exact change making capabilities. During the Civil War, he bought his nation together during his famed inguration address at Gettysburg. But Abraham Lincoln was about much more than false teeth and cherry trees, he was about freedom. He liked it, very much. In fact, he's the only president in history to have freed the slaves. Today, Lincoln's legacy lives on, as does the struggle for civil rights. Stephen Colbert visited with a woman...

With liberty and justice for all: those four simple words form a core American principal. But just how important is justice for our way of life? Well, it may surprise you to learn that our government has an entire justice department, and its job is to ensure that justice doesn't fall into the wrong hands. When it does, the problem comes here to the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Headquartered in this beautiful, Romanesque oedipus (sp?) behind me. To walk in the corridors of this building without permission is a risk of a brutal pistol whipping, but to stroll along its parameters is to be reminded that ours is a nation of laws. There are files here on everyone. Not just you an me, known criminals and even terrorists. By hunting down and incarcerating those who violate our laws, we are in a very real sense hunting down and incarcerating a piece of ourselves. Today, our nation is challenged in ways we've never been challenged before. And we continue to root out the evil do-ers who would defy our laws. Steve Carell went undercover to find out just how great this menace is...

Hello, welcome back to Washington. I'm Ed Helms. Behind me stands the city's most majestic obelisk: The Washington Monument. Built by George Washington himself to commemorate the 100th anniversary of his own death, this gleaming white shaft, a symbol of the man that fathered our country serves as a beacon of all those who inseminated our nation with the white, milky spermaphozola of um...(turns away) No doubt old George would of been pretty confused by some of our new fangled inventions, like the printing press, or TIVO, or my favorite (shivers) fire, but the timeless values of which he believed in are even less timeful now. Values like elections, and the having of them. Sure, our first president may not of foreseen the full flowering the full flowering of democracy's miracle (pulls a bouquet of flowers out of his jacket sleeve) but the fact is, we live in a country where one can run for any elected office one chooses. Mo Rocca recently met one such one...

I came to Washington D.C. in search of the soul of democracy. What I found was not so much a metaphor, but an actual medium-sized city with buildings and a subway system, and at least one good Salvadorian restaurant But, the point is, that the issues that take our country into these upcoming elections are not abstract ideals, they're every bit as tangible as freedom, liberty, or this guitar. Yup, this old six-string reminds me of America. It's a little battered, a little out of tune, but, I'm Ed Helms, and (starts warbling and playing the guitar):

o/` I'm an American, I'm an American, I'm an Americaaaannn baaabby, like an eagle, I soar, up in the skies of liberty, and I land on purple mountains majesty, majesty, majesty, that's where I land, and I soar over the waaaves of graaay.... o/`

"I'm Ed Helms" count: 5

 

" TDS Ads (October, 2002) "

Airdate: The month of October. 

In one ad, Jon Stewart shows us how the correspondents actually hate each other at TDS:
(Stephen Colbert and Ed at the TDS desk)
Ed:
We'll be right back...
(camera turns off)
Stephen:
Had a little trouble getting those words out?
Ed:
Bite me, Stephen.
(later, backstage)
Stephen:
That's not what Saddam wants...
Ed:
Well, what does Saddam want?
Stephen:
Your mother. 
(The two start to fight, and the fight goes outside of the TDS studios. Mo Rocca passes by, and says:)
"I thought the douche bag parade was this Sunday..."
(And they chase Mo down The Street)

Here's another ad involving Jon showing off the new TDS television (I forgot the details of this ad, I don't have it on any of my TDS tapes, just on my "junk tapes") and Ed, Mo Rocca, and Stephen Colbert come to look at it, Jon turns TV on, and the bright light and the great graphics on the TV, and its as though the three are electrocuted by it, they scream, and their hair gets messed up. 

" Real Players "

(date unknown; presented on comedycentral.com week of October 28-31, 2002)
"Undergarments"
"
When I'm interviewing somebody, I am not wearing anything at all from the waist down. Uh...I'm wearing pants right now because I'm being interviewed."
"If Tom Dashle and Trent Lott were to get in a street fight"
"
If Tom Dashle and Trent Lott were to engage in a bare-fisted, knock-down, smackdown, cage match....I gotta tell you, Daschle's scrappy, you know? He's like...he's just a wirely, fiesty, little guy. You can tell Lott's a street fighter, you know? He'd grab dirt and throw it in Daschle's eyes, and Daschle would stumble back like a wounded bear, and then Lott would kick him right in the coin purse."
"If I wasn't a correspondent"
"I really like Frisbee, and I would probably get into some kind of amateur Frisbee league."
"Why we are covering the mid-term elections"
"The Daily Show came to Washington D.C. to cover the midterm elections...uh...not because anybody cares about the elections, because they don't, but because uh...there are a lot of interns here in Washington, and...its pretty evident....."
"Favorite Bush-ism"
"A lot of people didn't actually see this, but uh...I asked Bush [speaking slowly] 'what is your stand on Iraq?', and he said, and I quote: (Ed makes a horrible monster-like noise)
"Smell of freedom"
Not transcribed yet
"Who would the correspondents binge drink with?"
Clip is broken on comedycentral.com. Which means we will probably never hear or see it.

24.
" Mutton Chops "

Airdate: October 28, 2002
(from the shows in Washington, D.C.)

Ed is behind Jon at the huge big screen plasma screen to give an inside look at the congress stands today. Come November fifth, it will be all gone. In lieu of this, Ed sings a bar of "The Sound Of Silence", and Jon interrupts him Ed so he can ask him about the changes he anticipates. Ed shows Jon a projection of the 108th congress, and Jon says it looks exactly the same, and Ed says "What are you talking about? That guy's different, that chick wasn't even there!" Jon also notices that Henry Hyde (sp?) had mutton chops, and he asks Ed why, and he says "Our computer projects him winning by such a huge margin that he gets a little cocky, starts to get a little Elvis on congress' ass." Jon also notices that Henry is sitting next to Shrek.
Ed's reply: 

"It's all subject to change."

25.
" Erskine Vomits "

Airdate: October 29, 2002
(from the shows in Washington, D.C.)

Ed talks to Jon about political advertisements. One of the trends for this year's elections is "candidate as political outsider". ("Ah...his pitch is that he's inexperienced and flawed.") But Ed brings up the "dark side" of this political tactic. Once you win, you're no longer an outsider, you're an insider, the exact thing you loathe. ("How can you deal with that paradox? You would be soulless. Somehow, that doesn't seem to bother these people.") And ad with Elizabeth Dole is shown with ordinary people praising her as though Elizabeth has never done a political thing in her life. Jon says something along the lines of "why did she even bother doing an ad like that since everyone knows who she is. Ed says that Dole has name recognition, something that her opponent, Erskine Bowles has to compete for. (a clip is shown of his ad that takes place in a bowling alley with two men watching Erskine bowl, and they say things like "Erskine Bowls?") Ed says the point of this ad is make people remember his name: Erskine.  Jon corrects him by saying that the ad is a form of an numenoic (sp?) device, his name is Bowles, and he's bowling in the ad. Ed thinks that's an even better idea, and "its a good thing his name isn't Erskine Vomits! But seriously, Erskine Bowles is a very stupid name."

26.
" I can't take any action on my own! "
(no image available)
Airdate: October 30, 2002
(from the shows in Washington, D.C.)

It's the beginning of the show, and Jon is telling everyone where the correspondents "are located" that night (Rachel Harris is on the road, Ed is in Minnesota, and Rob Corddry is in Oregon) The "Boxes" that Rachel nad Ed are in are the usual boring grey boxes, but Rob's box is all decked out for the upcoming holidays. ("Oh, this old thing? I use it when I don't care how good I look" - Rob) You can see that ol Ed is getting a pouty/hurt look on his face, and he says "Jon...I didn't know we could decorate our boxes". Rob re-iterates Ed in a "retardish" tone, and "I can't take any action on my own!":
Ed: Shut Up!
Rob: Shut Up, Bitch!
Ed: Say it to my face!
And Rob walks over to Ed, says shut up again, and Ed head-butts Rob. This whole time Rachel is standing there looking happy and chipper.

27.
" Ed Goes Trick-Or-Treating Down Embassy Road/The Vote-a-maniacs "
Airdate: October 31, 2002
(from the shows in Washington, D.C.)

Ed decides since its Halloween, and he's in D.C., he'll go trick-or-treating down embassy row to see if foreign nations have anything to give us. But Ed's missing some "Halloween Magic". He snaps his fingers, and to his (and to everyone else's) surprise he's wearing nothing but his tight red boxers and his watch! Ed snaps his fingers again, and he appears in a homemade pirate suit. Ed visits the Greek Embassy first, and he gets a "er..trick or treat?" from the doorman, and a door in his face. At the Egyptian embassy someone wants the camera off, and Ed says "sorry". The Brazilian Embassy is in a meeting ("I bet its about candy!")  Ed gets the best luck at the Armenian Embassy (a hand-er, hook shake, and a smile). Ed gets candy from Romania, Kenya, Pakistan, and vegemite from Australia. But, he gets circus peanuts from Mexico ("This happens every year. Mexico is giving out f*****g circus peanuts.") Meanwhile, back at the Armenian embassy "Monster Mash" is played in the background, and Ed's chomping on candy, while an employee wears a clown wig, and just looks around, a look of boredom or just scared out of wits, I don't know. At the Kenyan embassy, Mohamed Gello puts on a leprechaun hat, and says "Now I'm a leprechaun!". The big trick of the day is Ed throwing eggs at the French Embassy. (Did I mention that Ed gets spanked by a woman dressed like a devil at the Paraguayan Embassy?) As much fun as Ed is having, the real world and its dangers are always around, so Ed visits the Iraqi embassy where "old man Hussein lives". Ed tells us on certain nights you can hear him turning away U.N. weapons inspectors. Ed sneaks in the dark embassy, wondering if there's anyone in sight. The light comes on, and "old man Hussein" appears (and he's not wearing much). Ed runs out screaming, and Hussein asks "don't you want a Charleston Chew?" 

-end of story-

About five minutes later, Stephen Colbert unveils his troupe of players that will educate people on voting. Their name is the Vote-a-maniacs, and its composed of Rob Corddry, Ed Helms, Mo Rocca, and Rachel Harris. (and they don't wear suit jackets either!) You could almost call this group community service. ("after all, the judge did!" - Stephen) In the first "improv-sketch", Rob and Ed are two skateboarders who are just "chillin'" in front of a seven eleven:
Ed: Hey, what's up?
Rob: Nothing, dogg! I was just in the seven-eleven.
Ed: Hey, did you hear that the federal government just passed a bill to give 3.9 million dollars to voting...agencies?
Rob: Dude! That rocks!

After some other sketches involving Mo, Rob, and Rachel, the group unveils a simple numenoic device. (holding up letters to spell the word:)

BALL

Jon says "that spells ball", and Stephen explains that some members are out with food poisoning, and that Jon will have to help Jon with the ending part. Ed represents the letter "A":
"A! Always be 18 or over, and be a citizen of the United States and not a felon!"

November