Taker-Awayers: Global Warming"
Airdate: September 9,
Debbie Boger of the
Sierra Club tells Ed that disasters such as massive floods, and heat waves
are a catalyst or Global Warming. Ed thinks that she has a problem for The
Problem Taker Awayers. Debbie says that her problems are with Power
Companies, Car Emissions, and the Oil Industry. Ed takes these problems
out with the trash (literary), and he starts to try to take away the problem
of car emissions. He runs down a flight of stairs, and gets on a
skateboard to head to a busy highway to ask some questions , but he can't
until he "runs out into traffic" and "causes an
accident". One problem down. Ed then works on ozone depletion. He
runs into a barber shop, and steals all the hairspray ("Let's see how
much damage you'll do when you're empty!") and empties them into the
air (and empties some in his hair also) Ed then runs away in his Chevy Avalanche
until it runs out of gas. Ed has to go get some gas for the
massive SUV/Truck hybrid. Ed then heads to the Western Fuel Association
(but like the Southern Gentleman that he is, he made a 10 o' clock
appointment) to look for the "big kahuna" , and he the kahuna
says that Global Warming isn't a problem.
Ed had been used.
Ed's pretty pissed off at
this point as he heads back to the Sierra Club to talk to Debbie. (running
down the sidewalk, the camera following him, while Ed is saying "This
is bull sh*t!") He runs into Debbie's office, and hangs up her phone. She
says that the reason why we should prevent Global Warming is for the
Ed knows how to take care
of that problem. (as pictured)
(no image available)
2002 (I think ...)
I vaguely remember this one. I think they had Ed "doing" an
"article" on scuba diving in the great barrier reef?
Your Calendar - September"
Airdate: September 12,
In this second
installment of "Mark Your Calendar", Ed discusses the
Biscuits and Gravy Week
"You really need a
whole week to go over biscuits and gravy. One day for biscuits, one day
for gravy, then two whole days for biscuits and gravy, on the fifth day
there's chest and arm pains, and one more day to put your affairs in order,
and the seventh day, angels use a crane to lift you up to heaven."
September 13-15 Kass
County King Korn Festival and Mud Drags
"MMM! Mud and corn,
it goes together like wood and soup!"
September 19-20: Seven
Sweets and Sours Festival: Intercourse, PA
"Intercourse, it can
be both a sweet and sour experience. Especially when its Intercourse
Pennsylvania's Seven Sweets and Sours Festival. It's a tribute to
Pennsylvania's Dutch condiments and relishes. You'll love spreading them
in Intercourse. Did I mention it was in intercourse?"
September 29-30: The
"Dancing and Candy?!
Wow! Only one thing on earth could make that better! Unicorns! You guys, I
am so there! Have a great summer, everyone!"
What puzzles me is, why does Ed say "Have
a great summer, everyone!" at the end? Is he hepped up on too much
Only Knows What the Dolphin's Would be Jamming Up their Blowholes!"
Airdate: September 17,
Jon asks Ed what is wrong
with Florida. Ed, who is the "Daily Show Topographer", tells Jon
that Florida's woes are because of its geography, and that the nation's idiocy
drains into Florida. There's a "swirling vortex of retardation"
in Florida's peninsula. ("Seventy percent of this nations 'duh' is
located in these two jack-ass bogs underneath Bower and Dade
County.") Jon suggests if there is a way to channel the stupidity out
into the Atlantic. Ed interrupts: "Are you insane? Have you completely
lost your mind?...Day would be night, tuna chasing shark, God only knows what
the dolphins would be jamming up their blowholes! No!" Ed says that
our only option is to allow Florida to embarrass us, or to amputate it at the
Georgia border, like "a coyote stuck in a leg trap."
Appearance By Ed Helms"
Airdate: September 26,
Ed makes a guest
appearance during the Daily Show Special: "An
On Air Guide To Getting On The Air"
hosted by Mo Rocca and Stephen Colbert. Mo and Stephen say that an easy
way to get on TV is to walk on in a newscaster's report. Mo and Stephen
find a reporter (played by Ed Helms) and they walk behind Ed's short. Ed
is reporting on how dog runs are a public health nightmare and to
clean up after your dog, and the whole time Stephen is slapping his butt,
and telling a friend on his cell phone to turn it on Comedy Central, and
Mo is "representin' ". Ed turns around and gives them a rude
look, and Mo realizes that its Ed, and he apologizes, and tells him that
they were finding ways to get on TV (while Stephen Colbert is still slapping
his butt), Ed turns to the camera and says "Oh, well that's easy, all
you have to do is call the Daily Show's problem taker awayers."
Up For Fall"
Airdate: September 30,
Since its Fall again,
"health guru" Ed Helms teaches us to "fatten up for
fall". Ed says that he's going to put us on a three step program of total
Step 1: Diet
"You may of seen
some of your skinny friends eating smoothies made out of wheat germ,
cantaloupes, and yogurt. Well, you're not going to need any of that stuff.
What I recommend to maximize your calorie intake with a Value Meal
Smoothie. Now, of course, you're going to start with a cheeseburger,
fries, and a large coke, and what's a value meal without an apple pie for
dessert? Now, remember, you don't want to blend for too long, I like mine
extra chunky. (Ed proceeds to blend the concoction) Just six of these a
day plus a sensible dinner, and you'll be packing them on."
"You might be saying, 'but Ed, I'm a vegetarian, how do I follow your
plan without eating red meat?' Well, its simple, start eating red
Step 2: Exercise
"You're not gonna want to do any of that."
Step 3: State of Mind
"Feeling full? Can't
continue stuffing your piehole? Remember, an unsound mind equals an
unsound body. Find your dark, unhappy place. I recommend calling all your
Ed at "home"
calling an old girlfriend:
"Hey, Sally, its (pointing
They'll tell you exactly
what's wrong with you:
"Inconsiderate, selfish, spineless, chauvinistic, impotent, oh yeah
(while shoving Breyers fudge swirl ice cream and reddi-whip up his piehole.)...Issues
with my sexual identity..."
At the end, Ed's walking
down the hallways at the TDS studios in a fat suit, with these final words
"It takes hard work
and dedication, but the results are well worth it."
and then someone tells
him to get out of the way "you fat f**k" and Ed jumps for joy.
Ending Credits: Ed
stuffing his face at a restaurant (looks like breakfast), and you can hear
the crew laughing at him in the background.