Synopsis (July  &  August, 2002)

April - June July , August September October November December


Airdate: July 10, 2002

Ed and Rob Corddry talk about the tied All Star Baseball game. Ed talks about the "stills" of the footage, while Rob butts in with ESPN-esque 'catchphrases' such as "Snuck under there like a runaway under a rail yard fence!" During this, Ed keeps on giving Rob rude "shut the hell up" looks.  Finally at the bottom of the 11th, Rob and Ed finally come to a conclusion: " A simple day at the park often skated [I guess] by controversy"  

"Ed Helms' Cracker Barrel"

Airdate: July 18, 2002

Ed tries to explain the stock market:

"Thanks guys! Aw, heck, the stock market is as simple as an Alabama weather man! Let's say you're a bean farmer, you farm beans, now if you're farming beans you don't do it by yourself, you use hired hands, pay them twenty to thirty dollars for an honest days labor, and to keep them working hard, you promise them a little extra if the price of beans go up, 'corse its going to cost your out of pocket to pay that extra. But maybe your wife already spent that money on a new hat, even if she already has about ten hats just like it that she never wears, and you can't return it 'cause it gots stains on it on account of all those fancy creams she's always putting up there. Now, you got no money and your migrants are down working for Steven's who is paying pennies on the bushel over and above." 

"Oot of the Closet"

Airdate: July 24, 2002

Ed goes to Canada to visit a man who lives in Regina, (Ed pronounces it "Ree-giii-nnn-a" [rhymes with vagina], and from research, I believe this is the real pronunciation of it) a Mecca for gay people. But the man Ed visits has straight pride. Even if this man has a mustache, meets men for coffee that he meets at the YMCA, is a male nurse, and a professional masseuse, he still denies being gay. But to his defense, the straight pride guy also collects guns, and kicked Ed's butt in a front yard tussle. (but at least he gave Ed a foot massage afterwards) At the desk with Jon, Ed announces that he is a straight man ("I said it, I'm straight!"). When Jon tells Ed that he's straight, Ed gets really excited ("Ladies and Gentlemen, television's Jon Stewart, also straight!") Ed suggests that they should hang out sometime, and asks him if he knows how to slowdance. Jon says "Ed, that's gay", and Ed says:

"Right, I'm straight"

"Now watch me do this Jenga"

Airdate: August 5, 2002

Ed is "Washington D.C." for commentary on President Bush's speech outside of a golf course, in which after a serious speech, Bush says "now watch me do this drive". Ed says that Bush was more concerned about this golf game, and that he's just spouting rhetoric, and then he got back at the matter at hand: golf. Bush was just saying something good, and then he got back to his "precious golf" Ed pauses, the camera pans back, and says:

"Now, watch me do this Jenga"

Ed pulls out a Jenga block effortlessly.

"Ticks Anuses"

Airdate: August 8, 2002
Jon Stewart:
For More on these ridiculous stories we go to our chief criminologist Ed Helms live in The Daily Show Crime Center. Ed's worked in the field of forensics, highly recognized, and many thing he's the inspiration for C.S.I Miami. Ed, thanks for joining us, I don't even know what to say about these frauds, these crimes. The American people have seen their share of white collar crime in recent months, are we now numb to this sort of thing? Do we have any outrage left for these people?

Ed Helms:
Jon, clearly the frauds perpetrated at Ground Zero and the Whitehouse Mail Room lack the financial heft of an Enron or a Global Crossing, but what the crimes lack in monetary zazz, they more than make up for in what we in the field call 'scumosity'. This crime has a scumosity rating that's off the charts. You normally see a number like this if say Charles Manson ate a puppy that was being trained as a seeing eye dog for someone who went blind saving children-retarded children. It's a high number.

Well, many of the perpetrators are now in custody, what happens now?

Well, most of them will cop a plea, and unless they have a prior record, they will not see any jail time.


Really! I gotta say that's a little unsatisfacting.

Eh, sure, but eventually they will die, in which point they will end up somewhere in here. Most likely in the seventh circle of hell. I think you can see it better in a hell cross section. Somewhere between cleaning maggots off of Hitler's eternal bedsores, and the person who gave the go-ahead to the Anna Nicole Smith E! Show. Level eight is house wares. (Ed laughs) that's a little Dante's Inferno joke for you.

Basically, you're saying the only true chance for justice for these people is going to come if you believe in Heaven or Hell?

Oh! You're a karma man! Reincarnation's your bag. Well, then think of these folks as coming back as bacteria on tick's anuses. But that's just one criminologists opinion. Jon?

Thank you very much, Ed. The audience is going to go now and wash their mouths out. This is the most squeamish audience I've ever seen. They thought they were coming to see Mama Mia or something. 'Ticks anuses' just made them vomit. 'You're not the nice man from the TV'...

"Red Light Special"

Airdate: August 12, 2002

Ed goes to Baltimore to interview a man who bought an old beautiful theatre and is planning to make it into a strip club mega-chain called Deja-vu. Ed knows that this huge strip club will threaten and probably close down all the other strip clubs ("Heck, This block has only 38 left!") Ed goes walking down the black (that only has 38 strip clubs left) smelling the memories and talking with some strip club owners. He eventfully talks to an woman strip club owner, and she talks about a girl who had a snake, and the snake bit her and she died, and the monkey that took off the woman's clothes, and 'ass-a-lot' ("What? Ass-a-lot?") Ed finally goes to a club called memories where "Everyone knows your name". He walks in, the strippers say "Hi, Ed!" and Ed gets to enjoy the strippers with a cigar and a cold beer. But during all this, he realizes that it could all be gone someday...

At Desk with Jon: Ed says that one of the strippers was "really into him". He says that there was a lot of eye contact, she was flirting with him, and she let him buy her a drink, and the clincher--"And I don't know if I should tell you this Jon, but she was naked". Jon says she was naked because she was a stripper, and Ed says that this went way beyond "work". Jon asks if he got her number, and Ed says:

"Um...She said that she's in-between phones right now" 

"Mark Your Calendar - August"

Airdate: August 13, 2002

In Ed's first "Mark Your Calendar" segment (taking over Nancy Walls' seldom-used place). Ed brings up certain events in August:

Admit You're Happy Month
"So admit it! Don't make me come over there and beat it out of you!"

August 1-7: World Breast Feeding Week

"The most sexy, confusing, hot, arousing, try-not-to-stare-wish-I-could-see-though-baby week of the year!"

August 14: National Financial Awareness Day

"Take a minute to think about your finances...what kind of jack-ass would put that in the middle of admit your happy month!"

National Friendship Week: August 18-24

"Make sure you get a friend in the beginning of the week because by the 24th all the best friends will be taken!"

August 26: Women's Equality Day

"Make sure to tell women that you're their equals. That oughta shut them up!"

August 26: Burning Man

"That's Burning Man: $250 at the gate"

"Stephen Colbert Teaches Ed Helms Even Stephen"

Airdate: August 19, 2002

Ed fills in for the absence of Steve Carell for this installment of Even Stephen. (Even the hairdresser fixed Ed's hair a-la-Carell) to discuss the war on Iraq. Instead of Steve's usual long, loud "yesss!" in the beginning of most Even Stephen's, Ed says a simple "yes" and Stephen Colbert gets to belt out the long "Noo!" Ed says that we should go to war with Iraq. Colbert is against it, and accuses Ed for not having a regard for life. Colbert says that having a disregard for live was popular at Princeton, during the "late night Bull Sessions" over wine and couscous. ("I've got to know who made this couscous!"). Ed says that he didn't go to Princeton, and Colbert knows he didn't because "you're stupid". Ed's feelings get hurt, and says that Colbert is just making personal attacks on him. ("I don't understand why you are attacking me, I thought we were friends. I drove you to work the other day") Colbert goes over the rules of "Even Stephen" again, and saying that they go back and fourth, there's a huge conclusion, and then they go to commercial. Ed gets it, and says to Colbert:

"Well, at least my wife didn't take my my two kids and run off with another women."

Ed gets his huge, demon-like smile on his face, and Colbert gets upset. Ed tries to comfort him, Colbert tells him not to touch him, and they go to commercial.

"That Dog Will Be the Breakout Star of the Series"

Airdate: August 22, 2002

Ed sits at the desk with Jon to talk about CNN's "Osama" footage. Ed thinks its some sort of new reality TV show. Ed says that this show is edgier than The Osbournes, but not as scary as Anna Nicole's Show. Jon says that this is CNN, everything they do there is reality programming. Ed says that news is just some guy talking at a podium, but take that same guy in his kitchen making a sandwich, while his dog takes a crap in the corner, and you'll know which one gets higher ratings. Ed says that the Osama footage of the dog being asses was just the pilot episode, and that the dog will be the breakout star of the show, and to expect the dog to come back.

Personal Reflections: Disturbing.