Airdate: July 10, 2002
Ed and Rob Corddry talk
about the tied All Star Baseball game. Ed talks about the
"stills" of the footage, while Rob butts in with ESPN-esque
'catchphrases' such as "Snuck under there like a runaway under a rail yard
fence!" During this, Ed keeps on giving Rob rude "shut the hell
up" looks. Finally at the
bottom of the 11th, Rob and Ed finally come to a conclusion: " A
simple day at the park often skated [I guess] by controversy"
Helms' Cracker Barrel"
Airdate: July 18, 2002
Ed tries to explain the stock market:
"Thanks guys! Aw,
heck, the stock market is as simple as an Alabama weather man! Let's say
you're a bean farmer, you farm beans, now if you're farming beans you
don't do it by yourself, you use hired hands, pay them twenty to thirty
dollars for an honest days labor, and to keep them working hard, you
promise them a little extra if the price of beans go up, 'corse its going
to cost your out of pocket to pay that extra. But maybe your wife already
spent that money on a new hat, even if she already has about ten hats just
like it that she never wears, and you can't return it 'cause it gots
stains on it on account of all those fancy creams she's always putting up
there. Now, you got no money and your migrants are down working for
Steven's who is paying pennies on the bushel over and above."
of the Closet"
Airdate: July 24, 2002
Ed goes to Canada to
visit a man who lives in Regina, (Ed pronounces it "Ree-giii-nnn-a"
[rhymes with vagina], and from research, I believe this is the real pronunciation
of it) a Mecca for gay people. But the man Ed visits has
straight pride. Even if this man has a mustache, meets men for coffee that
he meets at the YMCA, is a male nurse, and a professional masseuse, he
still denies being gay. But to his defense, the straight pride guy also
collects guns, and kicked Ed's butt in a front yard tussle. (but at least
he gave Ed a foot massage afterwards) At the desk
with Jon, Ed announces that he is a straight man ("I said it, I'm
straight!"). When Jon tells Ed that he's straight, Ed gets really
excited ("Ladies and Gentlemen, television's Jon Stewart, also
straight!") Ed suggests that they should hang out sometime, and asks
him if he knows how to slowdance. Jon says "Ed, that's gay", and
watch me do this Jenga"
Airdate: August 5, 2002
Ed is "Washington
D.C." for commentary on President Bush's speech outside of a golf
course, in which after a serious speech, Bush says "now watch me do
this drive". Ed says that Bush was more concerned about this golf
game, and that he's just spouting rhetoric, and then he got back at the
matter at hand: golf. Bush was just saying something good, and then he got
back to his "precious golf" Ed pauses, the camera pans back, and
watch me do this Jenga"
Ed pulls out
a Jenga block effortlessly.
August 8, 2002
For More on these ridiculous stories we go to our chief criminologist Ed
Helms live in The Daily Show Crime Center. Ed's worked in the field of
forensics, highly recognized, and many thing he's the inspiration for
C.S.I Miami. Ed, thanks for joining us, I don't even know what to say
about these frauds, these crimes. The American people have seen their
share of white collar crime in recent months, are we now numb to this sort
of thing? Do we have any outrage left for these people?
Jon, clearly the frauds perpetrated at Ground Zero and the Whitehouse Mail
Room lack the financial heft of an Enron or a Global Crossing, but what
the crimes lack in monetary zazz, they more than make up for in what we in
the field call 'scumosity'. This crime has a scumosity rating that's off
the charts. You normally see a number like this if say Charles Manson ate
a puppy that was being trained as a seeing eye dog for someone who went
blind saving children-retarded children. It's a high number.
Well, many of the perpetrators are now in custody, what happens now?
Well, most of them will cop a plea, and unless they have a prior record,
they will not see any jail time.
gotta say that's a little unsatisfacting.
Eh, sure, but eventually they will die, in which point they will end up
somewhere in here. Most likely in the seventh circle of hell. I think you
can see it better in a hell cross section. Somewhere between cleaning
maggots off of Hitler's eternal bedsores, and the person who gave the
go-ahead to the Anna Nicole Smith E! Show. Level eight is house wares. (Ed
laughs) that's a little Dante's Inferno joke for you.
Basically, you're saying the only true chance for justice for these people
is going to come if you believe in Heaven or Hell?
Oh! You're a karma man! Reincarnation's your bag. Well, then think of
these folks as coming back as bacteria on tick's anuses. But that's just
one criminologists opinion. Jon?
Thank you very much, Ed. The audience is going to go now and wash their
mouths out. This is the most squeamish audience I've ever seen. They
thought they were coming to see Mama Mia or something. 'Ticks anuses' just
made them vomit. 'You're not the nice man from the TV'...
August 12, 2002
Ed goes to
Baltimore to interview a man who bought an old beautiful theatre and is
planning to make it into a strip club mega-chain called Deja-vu. Ed knows
that this huge strip club will threaten and probably close down all the
other strip clubs ("Heck, This block has only 38 left!") Ed goes
walking down the black (that only has 38 strip clubs left) smelling the
memories and talking with some strip club owners. He eventfully talks to
an woman strip club owner, and she talks about a girl who had a snake, and
the snake bit her and she died, and the monkey that took off the woman's
clothes, and 'ass-a-lot' ("What? Ass-a-lot?") Ed finally goes to
a club called memories where "Everyone knows your name". He
walks in, the strippers say "Hi, Ed!" and Ed gets to enjoy the
strippers with a cigar and a cold beer. But during all this, he realizes
that it could all be gone someday...
At Desk with
Jon: Ed says that one of the strippers was "really into him". He
says that there was a lot of eye contact, she was flirting with him, and
she let him buy her a drink, and the clincher--"And I don't know if I
should tell you this Jon, but she was naked". Jon says she was naked
because she was a stripper, and Ed says that this went way beyond
"work". Jon asks if he got her number, and Ed says:
said that she's in-between phones right now"
Your Calendar - August"
August 13, 2002
first "Mark Your Calendar" segment (taking over Nancy Walls'
seldom-used place). Ed brings up certain events in August:
You're Happy Month
"So admit it! Don't make me come over there and beat it out of
1-7: World Breast Feeding Week
most sexy, confusing, hot, arousing,
try-not-to-stare-wish-I-could-see-though-baby week of the year!"
14: National Financial Awareness Day
minute to think about your finances...what kind of jack-ass would put that
in the middle of admit your happy month!"
Friendship Week: August 18-24
sure you get a friend in the beginning of the week because by the 24th all
the best friends will be taken!"
26: Women's Equality Day
sure to tell women that you're their equals. That oughta shut them
26: Burning Man
Burning Man: $250 at the gate"
Colbert Teaches Ed Helms Even Stephen"
August 19, 2002
Ed fills in
for the absence of Steve Carell for this installment of Even Stephen.
(Even the hairdresser fixed Ed's hair a-la-Carell) to discuss the war on
Iraq. Instead of Steve's usual long, loud "yesss!" in the
beginning of most Even Stephen's, Ed says a simple "yes" and
Stephen Colbert gets to belt out the long "Noo!" Ed says that we
should go to war with Iraq. Colbert is against it, and accuses Ed for not
having a regard for life. Colbert says that having a disregard for live
was popular at Princeton, during the "late night Bull Sessions"
over wine and couscous. ("I've got to know who made this
couscous!"). Ed says that he didn't go to Princeton, and Colbert
knows he didn't because "you're stupid". Ed's feelings get hurt,
and says that Colbert is just making personal attacks on him. ("I
don't understand why you are attacking me, I thought we were friends. I
drove you to work the other day") Colbert goes over the rules of
"Even Stephen" again, and saying that they go back and fourth,
there's a huge conclusion, and then they go to commercial. Ed gets it, and
says to Colbert:
at least my wife didn't take my my two kids and run off with another
Ed gets his huge,
demon-like smile on his face, and Colbert gets upset. Ed tries to comfort
him, Colbert tells him not to touch him, and they go to commercial.
Will Be the Breakout Star of the Series"
Airdate: August 22, 2002
Ed sits at the desk with
Jon to talk about CNN's "Osama" footage. Ed thinks its some sort
of new reality TV show. Ed says that this show is edgier than The
Osbournes, but not as scary as Anna Nicole's Show. Jon says that this is
CNN, everything they do there is reality programming. Ed says that news is
just some guy talking at a podium, but take that same guy in his kitchen
making a sandwich, while his dog takes a crap in the corner, and you'll
know which one gets higher ratings. Ed says that the Osama footage of the
dog being asses was just the pilot episode, and that the dog will be the
breakout star of the show, and to expect the dog to come back.