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Synopsis (July & August, 2002) |
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5. Airdate: July 10, 2002 Ed and Rob Corddry talk about the tied All Star Baseball game. Ed talks about the "stills" of the footage, while Rob butts in with ESPN-esque 'catchphrases' such as "Snuck under there like a runaway under a rail yard fence!" During this, Ed keeps on giving Rob rude "shut the hell up" looks. Finally at the bottom of the 11th, Rob and Ed finally come to a conclusion: " A simple day at the park often skated [I guess] by controversy" 6. Airdate: July 18, 2002 Ed tries to explain the stock market: "Thanks guys! Aw, heck, the stock market is as simple as an Alabama weather man! Let's say you're a bean farmer, you farm beans, now if you're farming beans you don't do it by yourself, you use hired hands, pay them twenty to thirty dollars for an honest days labor, and to keep them working hard, you promise them a little extra if the price of beans go up, 'corse its going to cost your out of pocket to pay that extra. But maybe your wife already spent that money on a new hat, even if she already has about ten hats just like it that she never wears, and you can't return it 'cause it gots stains on it on account of all those fancy creams she's always putting up there. Now, you got no money and your migrants are down working for Steven's who is paying pennies on the bushel over and above." 7. Airdate: July 24, 2002 Ed goes to Canada to visit a man who lives in Regina, (Ed pronounces it "Ree-giii-nnn-a" [rhymes with vagina], and from research, I believe this is the real pronunciation of it) a Mecca for gay people. But the man Ed visits has straight pride. Even if this man has a mustache, meets men for coffee that he meets at the YMCA, is a male nurse, and a professional masseuse, he still denies being gay. But to his defense, the straight pride guy also collects guns, and kicked Ed's butt in a front yard tussle. (but at least he gave Ed a foot massage afterwards) At the desk with Jon, Ed announces that he is a straight man ("I said it, I'm straight!"). When Jon tells Ed that he's straight, Ed gets really excited ("Ladies and Gentlemen, television's Jon Stewart, also straight!") Ed suggests that they should hang out sometime, and asks him if he knows how to slowdance. Jon says "Ed, that's gay", and Ed says: "Right, I'm straight" 8. Airdate: August 5, 2002 Ed is "Washington D.C." for commentary on President Bush's speech outside of a golf course, in which after a serious speech, Bush says "now watch me do this drive". Ed says that Bush was more concerned about this golf game, and that he's just spouting rhetoric, and then he got back at the matter at hand: golf. Bush was just saying something good, and then he got back to his "precious golf" Ed pauses, the camera pans back, and says: "Now, watch me do this Jenga" Ed pulls out a Jenga block effortlessly. 9. Airdate:
August 8, 2002 Ed Helms: Jon: Ed: Jon: Really! I gotta say that's a little unsatisfacting. Ed: Jon: Ed: Jon: 10. Airdate: August 12, 2002 Ed goes to Baltimore to interview a man who bought an old beautiful theatre and is planning to make it into a strip club mega-chain called Deja-vu. Ed knows that this huge strip club will threaten and probably close down all the other strip clubs ("Heck, This block has only 38 left!") Ed goes walking down the black (that only has 38 strip clubs left) smelling the memories and talking with some strip club owners. He eventfully talks to an woman strip club owner, and she talks about a girl who had a snake, and the snake bit her and she died, and the monkey that took off the woman's clothes, and 'ass-a-lot' ("What? Ass-a-lot?") Ed finally goes to a club called memories where "Everyone knows your name". He walks in, the strippers say "Hi, Ed!" and Ed gets to enjoy the strippers with a cigar and a cold beer. But during all this, he realizes that it could all be gone someday... At Desk with
Jon: Ed says that one of the strippers was "really into him". He
says that there was a lot of eye contact, she was flirting with him, and
she let him buy her a drink, and the clincher--"And I don't know if I
should tell you this Jon, but she was naked". Jon says she was naked
because she was a stripper, and Ed says that this went way beyond
"work". Jon asks if he got her number, and Ed says: "Um...She said that she's in-between phones right now" 11. Airdate: August 13, 2002 In Ed's
first "Mark Your Calendar" segment (taking over Nancy Walls'
seldom-used place). Ed brings up certain events in August: Admit
You're Happy Month August 1-7: World Breast Feeding Week "The most sexy, confusing, hot, arousing, try-not-to-stare-wish-I-could-see-though-baby week of the year!" August 14: National Financial Awareness Day "Take a minute to think about your finances...what kind of jack-ass would put that in the middle of admit your happy month!" National Friendship Week: August 18-24 "Make sure you get a friend in the beginning of the week because by the 24th all the best friends will be taken!" August 26: Women's Equality Day "Make
sure to tell women that you're their equals. That oughta shut them
up!" August 26: Burning Man "That's Burning Man: $250 at the gate" 12. Airdate: August 19, 2002 Ed fills in
for the absence of Steve Carell for this installment of Even Stephen.
(Even the hairdresser fixed Ed's hair a-la-Carell) to discuss the war on
Iraq. Instead of Steve's usual long, loud "yesss!" in the
beginning of most Even Stephen's, Ed says a simple "yes" and
Stephen Colbert gets to belt out the long "Noo!" Ed says that we
should go to war with Iraq. Colbert is against it, and accuses Ed for not
having a regard for life. Colbert says that having a disregard for live
was popular at Princeton, during the "late night Bull Sessions"
over wine and couscous. ("I've got to know who made this
couscous!"). Ed says that he didn't go to Princeton, and Colbert
knows he didn't because "you're stupid". Ed's feelings get hurt,
and says that Colbert is just making personal attacks on him. ("I
don't understand why you are attacking me, I thought we were friends. I
drove you to work the other day") Colbert goes over the rules of
"Even Stephen" again, and saying that they go back and fourth,
there's a huge conclusion, and then they go to commercial. Ed gets it, and
says to Colbert: "Well,
at least my wife didn't take my my two kids and run off with another
women." Ed gets his huge, demon-like smile on his face, and Colbert gets upset. Ed tries to comfort him, Colbert tells him not to touch him, and they go to commercial. 13. Airdate: August 22, 2002 Ed sits at the desk with Jon to talk about CNN's "Osama" footage. Ed thinks its some sort of new reality TV show. Ed says that this show is edgier than The Osbournes, but not as scary as Anna Nicole's Show. Jon says that this is CNN, everything they do there is reality programming. Ed says that news is just some guy talking at a podium, but take that same guy in his kitchen making a sandwich, while his dog takes a crap in the corner, and you'll know which one gets higher ratings. Ed says that the Osama footage of the dog being asses was just the pilot episode, and that the dog will be the breakout star of the show, and to expect the dog to come back. Personal Reflections: Disturbing. |
"Rama-Lama-Doo!"
"Ed
Helms' Cracker Barrel"
"Oot
of the Closet"
"Now
watch me do this Jenga"
"Ticks
Anuses"
"Red
Light Special"
"Mark
Your Calendar - August"
"Stephen
Colbert Teaches Ed Helms Even Stephen"
"That Dog
Will Be the Breakout Star of the Series"