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 "
The New York Friars Club Roast Of Chevy Chase
"
Airdate: (taped on
September 28, 2002 aired on December 1, 2002)
You can see Ed sitting next to Daily Show movie critic Frank DeCaro in the
audience, and he laughs at Linda Lampellini's rank on Frank DeCaro:
"He could sit on a lollypop and guess the flavor!"
" 'It's My First Roast..'
(real player) "
Airdate: September,
2002 (put on ComedyCentral.com December, 2002)
This was a real player interview with Comedy Central's Susie Felber and
Ed:
Susie:
I'm here with Ed Helms of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart,
this time not with Jon Stewart. Ed Helms, at the roast. Ed, do you
know Chevy?
Ed:
Not at all.
Susie:
Let's forget this question. So, uh...are you excited to be at this roast?
Ed:
Oh my god! I'm freaking out! I'm really excited. It's my first roast, and
its a great tradition, and I'm looking forward to seeing Chevy get
skewered.
Susie:
What's your favorite Chevy project?
Ed:
My favorite Chevy project? That would be ... um ... a lot of people don't
know this, but he dabbled in porn. It was after the talk show debacle. I
got a couple of them, and its some really good stuff.
Susie:
I'd like to see that.
Ed:
Yeah, its just really honest. (edit in clip) I can honestly say that I'm
really privileged to be here, because I really think that Chevy Chase is a
legend, and is worthy of all the attention he's getting tonight.
Susie:
Suck-up!
Ed:
Yeah ... I'm going to laugh at Chevy because I've never met him, and he
doesn't have my home phone number.
35.
 "
Ad Nauseam: You're next, hippie!
"
Airdate:
December 2, 2002
(in transcript form)
Ed:
Advertising is not just about selling things, like shampoo or beer that shampoo
made out of beer. That was the worst beer I ever had. Some ads in
fact, are public service announcements, and the product they sell is
chicken (laughs). I'm sorry, its a force of habit, they sell
ideals. And because we are at war, a very popular idea right now is
America. What this great country is all about.
(cut to public service announcement with a bunch of people that sound
like they are being forced to say "I am an American")
Ed: This spot is part of a campaign created by the Ad Council to promote
the idea of America to Americans. Well, I'm sold! I'll take on America,
please! Once they've established who comprises this country, the Ad
Council moves on to the Great American Product: Freedom! In this case (cut
to an ad showing a cereal isle in a supermarket) The freedom to buy
more products. Believe it or not, some countries don't have 50 different
breakfast cereals to choose from. The people in Sudan only have like
eight. So now we know who Americans are, and all the cereal we can buy.
What else is there? How about intellectual freedom?
(cut to advertisement)
Librarian: These books are no longer available.
Boy: I didn't know.
Librarian: May we have your name, please?
Boy: Why? (starts to walk away until two security guard-like men catch
him)
Ed: See, if we don't curtail people's intellectual freedoms, then who
knows what kind of ideals people are going to get? Epically from books
which can be very dangerous! We are at war, ok?! This is no time to be
going half-cocked and start reading! My only criticism of this ad
is you don't actually get to see the perpetrator getting punished. You're
left to imagine it. Or, fantasize about it. Not so with the Ad Council's
second pass at this important theme:
(shows advertisement of boy getting pulled over by cops. The cops
search his car, and find newspapers hidden under a seat. They then proceed
to slam the boy against the hood of his car and arrest him)
Ed: HA HA! YEAH! It's payback time! You're next hippie! HA-HA! Jon?
36.
 "
It Does a Body Bad "
Airdate:
December 10, 2002
Robert Cohen
(author "Milk: The Deadly Poison", and possibly the world's
largest vegan) says that milk is a weapon of mass destruction. Could it be
that milk, the nectar of our youth which spouted from our noses in times
of joy be a form of genocide? Cohen starts prattling off all the horrible
things milk can do (too many to name here), and Ed tells him to stop and
take a deep breath. Cohen continues, but he keeps on talking like an
auctioneer. Cohen says that the "Got Milk?" ads are improper-ganda:
Ed: Im-im-proper-ganda?
Cohen: Improper. I took the word improper, and put it together with propaganda
because that's what it is!
Ed: Oh, you meant it as a joke.
Cohen: You got it!
(Ed laughs a lot)
Ed goes to a nearby Dairy Farm in New Jersey that may have some milk on
the premises. Ed shows up in complete bio-hazard gear. Ed asks him point
blank: can you show me the milk? Ed then proceeds to milk a cow (you know,
now that I think about it, I think Ed's the first Daily Show correspondent
to milk a cow) until the worst happens:
"Oh, jeez! It got on me! Oh my god! Should I rinse? Do you have de-sanitation
spray? Thank goodness I was wearing this suit!"
But luckily, Ed survived, and he then saves the children by throwing away
all the milk in a first or second grade classroom. But, oh no! There's
still a kit with glasses sitting by himself drinking some milk! Ed yells
"NOOOO!!" and jumps on the table to save the boy by knocking the
milk carton out of his hands.
37.
 "
Ad Nauseam : Oh Yeah! Time For A Beer! "
Airdate:
December 17, 2002
(transcribed)
Ed: Even though we're
in a bit of an economic downturn, advertisers still know there are those
for whom Christmas is always a joyous time: The rich! And its important
for the rich to understand that no matter how the DOW is doing, there are
still gift options for them.
(cut to a Lexus ad where a woman receives a Lexus with a huge bow on
top of it)
Ed: Ooh! Open it! I can't wait to find out what it is! Sometimes its not
enough to give a car as a gift, you have to give it with a little
piniash!
(Lexus ad: [after surprising ol' dad with a Lexus] We did it!)
Ed: You sure did! You made everyone else who is suffering through the
worst economy in years feel like shit! Yeah! In your face, poor people!
But what if you're rich, and you don't need a car? You chauffeur to work,
or you take the chopper. Well, don't worry, this next ad brilliantly
equates the creation of human life with the purchase and presentation of a
necklace:
Kay Jewelers Ad:
Dad: Look what I bought mommy for Christmas. Your mom gave me you, yes she
did.
Ed: (crossing fingers) I hope she thinks its a fair trade!
Kay Jewelers Ad:
Dad: The little angel assured me you would like this.
Mother: The little angel was right>
Ed: Yes! She does! By the way, little angel is the name of that man's secretary.
She's the one who actually picked out the necklace. It's a loveless
marriage. But, for the happy rich couple, nothing fulfills a woman's
Christmas dreams more than having a man who's not afraid to express how he
really feels.
Advertisement:
Man: I LOVE THIS WOMAN!
Woman: What are you doing? Stop!
Ed: ("tears up") Aww...he's declaring his love for her publicly,
openly, and in a breathtaking Italian Piazza. Nothing could possibly be
better than that!
Advertisement:
Man: Okay, then I guess this will have to do. (gives lady ring)
Ed: Sike! (laughs) Expressing feelings verbally...what a tool! In
creating these slice of life vignettes these advertisements for the rich
do more than showcase a product, they showcase a technique in commercials
for the rest of us:
Advertisement:
Voiceover-guy: The amazing new talking beer opener! That's right! Talking
beer opener!
(the commercial shows three people sitting at a table having
some beers, playing some cards)
Beer opener: Oh Yeah! Time for a beer!
Woman: What a great gift idea!
Ed: Hmmm...
(A scene from Ed's imagination occurs based on the Kay Jewelry ad)
Ed: You're so beautiful. Your mommy gave me you, so I wanted to give her
something extra special for Christmas. Check it out. (shows
"baby" talking beer opener) Pretty cool, right? Watch this!
(opens a bottle of Budweiser)
Beer opener: Oh Yeah! Time for a beer!
Ed: (laughs) I love that! (chugs beer)
38.
 "
War Widow Barbie And Other Hot Toys "
Airdate:
December 19, 2002
With this
being the last episode of TDS in 2002, Gift Analyst Ed Helms shows off the
hottest toys:
(in transcript form)
Jon Stewart:
It's nice for you to come here. I see you brought some gifts with you, what
is the hot gift this year?
Ed Helms:
Well, I'm glad you asked, Jon. This year we are seeing a sea change in
what's popular with kids. This year's toys are a little more
reality-based. For instance, The World Peace Keepers Battlestation, and
Cannon Playset on sale at J.C. Penny for just $24.99. Now we've got one
assembled here. This is everything a peace keeper could possibly want. You
got mortar shells here, machine guns, high-powered sniper rifles, lougar
(sp?) grenades, and
this thing! I mean come on! This will blast peace in any situation!
Jon:
Obviously, this toy is for older children.
Ed:
Yes, absolutely. It says right here on the box: 'ages three and up'
Jon:
Are you kidding me?! Ages three and up?!
Ed:
Well, its got some small parts, choking hazards and what not. You don't
want newborns in peace keeping, Jon. But I think I know where you're going
with this. You want something for someone a little bit older. Also from
J.C. Penny, we got the Army Forward Command Post.
(laughs) Now, this is recommended for ages five and up, and its a
good thing. I gotta tell you, I love this-I mean, come on! This is like
the the Malibu Dreamhouse re-imagined after a carpet bombing somewhere in
Afgan-a-iraq or something! Check it out, its basically perfect, this is
like real rubble in here!
Jon:
Ed, I'm sorry, these primarily strike me as for boys.
Ed:
Ok, you're right. But we got some stuff for the little ladies in your
life, absolutely. We happen to have the War Widow
Barbie. Now this is great. Your daughter will experience a secret
garden of grief. This beauty comes with little handkerchiefs, and a list
of old boyfriends.
Jon:
Alright! Ed, you have anything that's a little less extreme?
Ed:
Yes...you don't want to spoil them.
Jon:
Right...
Ed:
Well, we're in luck today, because I happen to know a guy at Toys
"R" Us, and I got the last one in stock, okay?
Jon:
Ok, let's see it.
Ed:
This is it right here. This is the Ballistic
Projectile Action Lump. It's similar to the actual kind protesters use
in the West Bank. And of course, it comes with this manual.
Jon:
Ed...that's just a rock...
Ed:
'It's just a rock?'...ok, who killed the child in you, Jon? Was it this
guy? (picking up solider doll)
Jon:
Ok, Ed. We'll be right back after this...
January,
2003
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