Synopsis (November, 2002)

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" Premium Blend Appearance "
Airdate [original]: November 2, 2002, 

Ed did a four minute stand up appearance on Comedy Centrals Premium Blend. This is basically what he covered:

  • He had to run to the subway on the way there, and the doors didn't close for like five minutes

  • He admits that he was a lifeguard in high school (didn't see that one coming)

  • Ed can't get into the workout mindset

  • But his friend Chris can, and his big thing is running marathons. 

  • Ed proceeds to do an impression of Chris, and Chris' description of a marathon. Your body cramps up at mile ten, mile twenty he shit in his pants, and didn't even know it, and the finish line is a warzone with bodies dropping like flies.

  • Ed says he tries to understand, and he watched the New York City Marathon, and he couldn't understand why his friends are cheering the runners on. 

  • Ed wanted to give the runners his bike, (or better yet) come in and eat some guacamole and watch Meatballs with him and his roommate.  ("I'm going to have to ask you to take a shower though, because I noticed that you crapped your pants.")

" The Time Has Come To Make Some More Ed Synopsis "
Airdate: November 5, 2002

Ed is in charge of the big map for election night, 2002. He first shows us election results as of 11:03-ish eastern time. Ed shows us the states that the Democrats won (in blue), and then he shows us the states that the Republicans won in (in another shade of blue). Jon says its hard to distinguish. Ed says the Democrats are in blue, and the Republicans are in indigo. Ed also pops up the letters "R" and "D" and asks if that helps. Well, it doesn't. Jon says that the polls haven't even closed yet in Oregon, and Ed says its marked "R" because of "results not in", and the "D" means "race has been decided, decided with a 'd' ". Jon notices that California is marked with a "D" and there wasn't even a senate race. The reason why? "It's in a different font! It's sans-serif! Do you want to talk fonts? Because I can do either" In the House Of Representatives, Ed used the Sherwin Williams Colorwheel and gave each area that had a race a different color. Jon just puts his head in his hands while Ed tries to find the matching color (coral dust) to a race result in Georgia (Ed's home state)

" I Eat It When I Get Sad "
Airdate: November 6, 2002

In Ed's first appearance sitting at the new shiny Lucite desk with Jon, he talks about how the Republicans dominate everything on election night. But he uses an ingenious way to prove this point:


Republicans are represented by red M&M's and the blue M&M's represent Democrats, and a yellow one represents Jim Jeffroids. With the senate, Ed eats a blue M&M and adds another red M&M to the pile. In the house races, candy corn and smarties represent Democrats, and red M&M's are still representing Republicans. Swing voters are depicted with Hershey Kisses. What happened was the Hershey Kisses got shoved over with the candy corn and smarties. Jon wants to know about policy shifts. Ed says he can do that, and he gets out his jack-o-lantern shaped bucket of Halloween candy (presumably from all the trick-or-treating he did down Embassy Row in Washington DC-see above) A Three Musketeers bar represented Trent Lott, and some Twizzlers represented gun control. Jon gets the clue, and accuses Ed of trying to get rid of his Halloween candy on air, and he has no analysis at all. Ed's reply:

"I got too much candy, Jon. I can't have it around the house, because I eat it when I'm sad."

(even I went "aww..." watching that part)
Ed starts to get sad, and starts reaching for some candy corn, and proceeds to shove it in his mouth. Jon has to pull away the candy away from him.

Memorable Quote: "God knows we've been up forty-eight hours straight...doing blow" - Jon Stewart to Ed.

" Misery Loves Companies "
Airdate: November 7, 2002

In this investigation, we learn that Bankruptcy Lawyers and Attorneys are cashing in on everyone else's economic downfalls. Ed asks an attorney/lawyer is this the golden age of bankruptcy. In Ed's interview with the attorney/lawyer, this comes up:

Attorney/Lawyer: My wife jokes around that being a bankruptcy lawyer is the perfect hedge for his stock market portfolio.
Ed: You two must have a ball together.

Ed also visits a shining star of the golden age of bankruptcy who won't be in business much longer. (a men's clothing store, and it looked like in later stories Ed bought some new ties from the guy. I mean with 'going out of business prices' wouldn't anybody?) Ed asks the manager if bankruptcy and going out of business has made him A.) Excited B.) Thrilled C.) Happy. Well, obviously that answer is "the first one". The newest face (although sadly, he was shot in that face) of the golden age of bankruptcy is a repo man who tows cars away ("they're kind of like Santa Claus, but in the other direction").

" Touched By A Scalpel - Re-aired "
Airdate: November 13, 2002

see above

" Close Marriages "
Airdate: November 14, 2002
Jon talks to Ed ("Senior Royal Watcher [UK/Belgium Only]" ) about a scandal. (I think it had something to do with sodomy, maybe?) Jon thinks that the Royal Family was just a ceremonial thing now. Ed disagrees, pointing out that England cannot function without the Royals because they knight elderly rock stars, their faces are on the money, and ships don't christen themselves. He also reminds us that the Royals are not in the best "genetic condition" due to years of "close marriages". Jon tries to shut Ed up, but he goes on saying that he met two Earls with flippers, and they can't be exposed to direct sunlight or their faces will melt right off, and "have you ever seen a half man, half cow wearing a crown?"

" The Gaying Of America "
Airdate: November 19, 2002

We all know that America is getting gayer and gayer, but how gay is it getting? Joseph Farah says the easier it is to "come out" the more gay people there will be. ("yeah, it sure is getting easier since you can get married in two out of 50 states") Ed predicts in ten years 150% of the population will be gay, and to put that in simpler terms, five out of two people will be gay. One of the things that will increase is more men wearing mustaches. But back to Ed's interview with Joseph Farrah. He says that in the past, gayness has crumbled societies in the past (like the dinosaurs and their fancy feather boa wearing!) Ed asks if Farrah can explain the success of gay people such as Wolf Blitzer and Dick Cheney, and Farrah interrupts, saying that Cheney isn't gay, and Ed says that he thought he had read that somewhere. In the end, Farrah says that everyone has fantasized about it at one time or another. ("You got that right!"). 

Ed Helms:
So, you can say that me saying that you have a nice mustache doesn't make me gay.
For the record, I was going to compliment you on your mustache.
(Farrah Laughs)
Very nice mustache...

At the desk with Jon, Ed has "grown" a mustache similar to Farrah's. Jon asks him what method Ed used to crunch those statistics he used in his story. Ed starts to stroke his mustache, and furrows his brow in thought.

" Ad Nauseam: Oh, my god! I have osteoporosis!  "
Airdate: November 19, 2002

Steve Carell has been gone for a few months doing things out in Hollywood. The writers at The Daily Show have found some advertisements to make fun of. Steve, the usual Ad Nauseam guy isn't going be back for about another month. So they make Ed do it:
Being a consumer is about freedom of choice. From the jeans we're told to sear, to the beverages we're told to drink. And when it comes to selling prescription drugs, today's savvy consumers are no longer willing to blindly guy whatever a doctor scribbles on a little piece of paper based on nothing more than his fancy knowledge and years of expertise in his chosen field. No, you should be able to decide what's right for you, and thanks to relaxed federal regulations, pharmaceutical corporations can now advertise directly to consumers. Freeing all of us to make our own informed drug choices:
Television ad:
Do you know the warning signs of osteoporosis?   
Why, no, I don't.
Television ad:
Unfortunately, there are none.
Ed: (freaking out)
Oh, my god! I have osteoporosis! (grabs a bottle of pills and shoves the pills down his throat)
Television ad:
Fosomax is for post-menopausal women.
Oh...(spits pills out) well, see, I didn't know that, before. And now, I'm motivated more to learn about this Fosomax which turns out may not be for me. (spits remaining pills out) But education only goes so far in persuading us to buy unfamiliar new medicines that we may not even need. The makers of pharmaceutical ads know that consumers need more than a drug that works, they need a drug that sounds like it works. 
Television ad #2:
Taking Plavix once a day...
Television ad #3:
Today's purple pill called Nexium
Television ad #4:
Ditropan XL
Wow! Plavix, Nexium, Ditropan XL? With names that rapulent, who wouldn't' quioux (sp?) them? Ultamately, effective pharmaceutical advertisements comes down to one word:
Television ad #5:
Side effects may include:
Television ad #6:
(two more ad clips are shown stating the same thing: Diarrhea...)
No, but that is a strikingly common side effect. The word is info-mor-ation. You see, with all the attention paid to the fancy names and appealing colors, you can't forget that people want to know just what a drug does.
Television ad #7:
(A Celebrex ad showing Santa Claus playing golf in someone's living room is shown)
Finally! A prescription medication that makes Santa Claus dance when he plays golf! Now if they would only make a drug for low self-esteem. Eh, that's a stupid idea...stupid...what a stupid idea....
(Ending credits outtake)
Ed: (yelling)
What a stupid idea!!! I'm so stupid!!! God, I'm so stupid!! You are an idiot!!! You're stupid!! (calms down) Jon?

" We Love Sho-Biz : He Said Me Ed!  "
Airdate: November 21, 2002

In this installment of We Love Sho-biz (hosted by Ed Helms and Rachel Harris) we learn more details on the "Anglo-Hispanic Wedding Salsa-bration" of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck:
Ed: "It will be Affleck's first marriage, but fear not, J-Lo will show him the ropes! It will be her tres! Mucho Merry!
Like a valley girl that knows her jewelry, Ed gets real excited about J-Lo's pink diamond engagement ring (by biting his black pillow and exclaiming "
AHH!!! It's a pink diiiaamoond!!")
Ed also reports that Madonna will stay "cowboy" for yet another week. Finally, in a little segment called "He Said Me Ed!" Ed gets the interview of a lifetime with Axl Rose's (picture):
Ed: Oh, picture of Axl Rose, what demons drive you?
And in the final segment "Runway Or Another" Ed makes a threat to those folks at PETA that stormed a Victoria's Secret show:
"Remember, we love sho-biz, so if you hurt sho-biz we will destroy you!"