Synopsis (September  2002)

April - June July , August September October November December

"Problem Taker-Awayers: Global Warming"

Airdate: September 9, 2002

Debbie Boger of the Sierra Club tells Ed that disasters such as massive floods, and heat waves are a catalyst or Global Warming. Ed thinks that she has a problem for The Problem Taker Awayers. Debbie says that her problems are with Power Companies, Car Emissions, and the Oil Industry. Ed takes these problems out with the trash (literary), and he  starts to try to take away the problem of car emissions. He runs down a flight of stairs, and gets on a skateboard to head to a busy highway to ask some questions , but he can't until he "runs out into traffic" and "causes an accident". One problem down. Ed then works on ozone depletion. He runs into a barber shop, and steals all the hairspray ("Let's see how much damage you'll do when you're empty!") and empties them into the air (and empties some in his hair also) Ed then runs away in his Chevy Avalanche until it runs out of gas. Ed has to go get some gas for the massive SUV/Truck hybrid. Ed then heads to the Western Fuel Association (but like the Southern Gentleman that he is, he made a 10 o' clock appointment) to look for the "big kahuna" , and he the kahuna says that Global Warming isn't a problem.

Ed had been used.

Ed's pretty pissed off at this point as he heads back to the Sierra Club to talk to Debbie. (running down the sidewalk, the camera following him, while Ed is saying "This is bull sh*t!") He runs into Debbie's office, and hangs up her phone. She says that the reason why we should prevent Global Warming is for the children's children.

Ed knows how to take care of that problem. (as pictured)

"Jon Magazine Ad"
(no image available)
Airdate: September 10, 2002 (I think ...)
I vaguely remember this one. I think they had Ed "doing" an "article" on scuba diving in the great barrier reef? 

"Mark Your Calendar - September"

Airdate: September 12, 2002

In this second installment of "Mark Your Calendar", Ed discusses the following:

September 8-15: Biscuits and Gravy Week

"You really need a whole week to go over biscuits and gravy. One day for biscuits, one day for gravy, then two whole days for biscuits and gravy, on the fifth day there's chest and arm pains, and one more day to put your affairs in order, and the seventh day, angels use a crane to lift you up to heaven."

September 13-15 Kass County King Korn Festival and Mud Drags

"MMM! Mud and corn, it goes together like wood and soup!"

September 19-20: Seven Sweets and Sours Festival: Intercourse, PA

"Intercourse, it can be both a sweet and sour experience. Especially when its Intercourse Pennsylvania's Seven Sweets and Sours Festival. It's a tribute to Pennsylvania's Dutch condiments and relishes. You'll love spreading them in Intercourse. Did I mention it was in intercourse?"

September 29-30: The Candy Dance

"Dancing and Candy?! Wow! Only one thing on earth could make that better! Unicorns! You guys, I am so there! Have a great summer, everyone!"

Personal Reflections: What puzzles me is, why does Ed say "Have a great summer, everyone!" at the end? Is he hepped up on too much sugar? 

"God Only Knows What the Dolphin's Would be Jamming Up their Blowholes!"

Airdate: September 17, 2002

Jon asks Ed what is wrong with Florida. Ed, who is the "Daily Show Topographer", tells Jon that Florida's woes are because of its geography, and that the nation's idiocy drains into Florida. There's a "swirling vortex of retardation" in Florida's peninsula. ("Seventy percent of this nations 'duh' is located in these two jack-ass bogs underneath Bower and Dade County.") Jon suggests if there is a way to channel the stupidity out into the Atlantic. Ed interrupts: "Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind?...Day would be night, tuna chasing shark, God only knows what the dolphins would be jamming up their blowholes! No!" Ed says that our only option is to allow Florida to embarrass us, or to amputate it at the Georgia border, like "a coyote stuck in a leg trap."

"Guest Appearance By Ed Helms"

Airdate: September 26, 2002

Ed makes a guest appearance during the Daily Show Special: "An On Air Guide To Getting On The Air" hosted by Mo Rocca and Stephen Colbert. Mo and Stephen say that an easy way to get on TV is to walk on in a newscaster's report. Mo and Stephen find a reporter (played by Ed Helms) and they walk behind Ed's short. Ed is reporting on how dog runs  are a public health nightmare and to clean up after your dog, and the whole time Stephen is slapping his butt, and telling a friend on his cell phone to turn it on Comedy Central, and Mo is "representin' ". Ed turns around and gives them a rude look, and Mo realizes that its Ed, and he apologizes, and tells him that they were finding ways to get on TV (while Stephen Colbert is still slapping his butt), Ed turns to the camera and says "Oh, well that's easy, all you have to do is call the Daily Show's problem taker awayers."


"Fatten Up For Fall"

Airdate: September 30, 2002

Since its Fall again, "health guru" Ed Helms teaches us to "fatten up for fall". Ed says that he's going to put us on a three step program of total fattness:

Step 1: Diet

"You may of seen some of your skinny friends eating smoothies made out of wheat germ, cantaloupes, and yogurt. Well, you're not going to need any of that stuff. What I recommend to maximize your calorie intake with a Value Meal Smoothie. Now, of course, you're going to start with a cheeseburger, fries, and a large coke, and what's a value meal without an apple pie for dessert? Now, remember, you don't want to blend for too long, I like mine extra chunky. (Ed proceeds to blend the concoction) Just six of these a day plus a sensible dinner, and you'll be packing them on."

Other tips:
"You might be saying, 'but Ed, I'm a vegetarian, how do I follow your plan without eating red meat?' Well, its simple, start eating red meat."

Step 2: Exercise

"You're not gonna want to do any of that."

Step 3: State of Mind

"Feeling full? Can't continue stuffing your piehole? Remember, an unsound mind equals an unsound body. Find your dark, unhappy place. I recommend calling all your old girlfriends.":

Ed at "home" calling an old girlfriend:

"Hey, Sally, its (pointing to himself) Ed."

They'll tell you exactly what's wrong with you:

"Inconsiderate, selfish, spineless, chauvinistic, impotent, oh yeah (while shoving Breyers fudge swirl ice cream and reddi-whip up his piehole.)...Issues with my sexual identity..."

At the end, Ed's walking down the hallways at the TDS studios in a fat suit, with these final words of advice:

"It takes hard work and dedication, but the results are well worth it."

and then someone tells him to get out of the way "you fat f**k" and Ed jumps for joy.

Ending Credits: Ed stuffing his face at a restaurant (looks like breakfast), and you can hear the crew laughing at him in the background.