Your Calendar: October"
Airdate: October 1, 2002
In this third installment
of "Mark Your Calendar" Ed goes over events in October:
Diversity Awareness Month
"October: you can
smell it in the air. Another thing we'll be smelling all month long is
Diversity because October is Diversity Awareness Month. It's a month to
tell people of all races, genders, and nationalities, 'I'm aware of you, I
respect you, and I guess I'll catch you later.'
October 7: Squirrel
self-respecting diversity month wouldn't honor the contributions of
squirrel Americans. October seventh marks the start of Squirrel Awareness
Week. So, grab one of those rascals, and give 'em a big hug and a kiss,
and then its only 199 days until May: Rabies Awareness month."
October 11: National
Depression Screening Day
"Smack dab in the
middle of Squirrelness Awareness Week (yes, he really said that) is
National Depression Screening Day. People get depressed for a lot of
reasons. One could be that squirrels get a whole week, and that they only
get a day. I dunno, just a thought"
International Infection Control Week
"For people who
don't like itching and pus, October 16 though the 20th is International
Infection Control Week. I don't want to editorialize here, but shouldn't every
week be International Infection Control week? Maybe its just my cymatia
October 31: Halloween
And, of course there's
the thirty-first: Halloween. No matter what color your skin is, if you're
gay you love Halloween! It's a time to dress up and pretend you're
someone else - just like when you lived with your parents! (someone throws
a football helmet at Ed, and he catches it) 'I'm going as a football
player who dates girls!' Enjoy October, everyone!"
Just Sayin' "
Airdate: October 2, 2002
Ed is in "Washington
D.C." talking about Ari Fleicher's (sp?) remark about him hinting
around that assassinating Saddam Hussein would be cheaper than an all out
war (or something like that). Ed suggest cheaper ways to get Hussein out
of office (poisoned tea, blow darts, and the vulcan death grip). Ed
suggestion is to kill him with kindness, and then winks. Ed goes on to say
that Ari wasn't making an official statement, he was "just sayin"
("You know, like 'this war sure would be easier if one of Saddam's
bodyguards shot him in exchange for ten million dollars and a condo in
Tampa St. Peter. I'm just sayin' !") Ed also brings up something him
and the old Whitehouse hens remembered when Kennedy's press sectary
said that "Not for nothing, but wouldn't it be nice if someone wacked
Castro, I'm just sayin' ".
We (heart) sho-biz #1 "
Airdate: October 7, 2001
Ed and Lauren Weedman
(who took the place of Steve Carell and Nancy Walls for this segment)
"report" on celebrity "news", such as Rosie Magazine
folding (Lauren: "At least we still have O Magazine" Ed: And
Penthouse! Lauren: Oh, Ed you and your pornography!") the People
Magazine Best and worst dressed list ("Christina Arguela knows what
the girls want, and its not boring undergarments, that's 'fer sure!"),
Nick Nolte's arrest, The Osbournes, and Liza Minelli's Reality Show.
Personal Note: You gotta
love Ed's "antenna hair".
The Road To Washington " (or as I like to call it "I'm Ed
Airdate: October 14, 2002
Ed and a camera crew go
to Washington D.C. on a cold, dreary, rainy day to search for the soul of
democracy, and to explain why The Daily Show is going to be there on
October 28-31 (2002) to shoot some shows in the nation's capital. Since
its hard to "synoposize" this, I just made transcripts of the
"wrap around intro things":
"Hello, I'm Ed
Helms, and this is our nation's capital. Where legislation is chiseled
from the very bedrock of democracy. And this is a pretzel (holds up a
pretzel). As we approach the 2002 midterm elections, upon which the
fate of the world depends on (a shot appears on the screen of Jon
Stewart mouthing "on us"). We find
ourselves asking what is that makes America worth voting for. I've come to
Washington to find out. You know, the twists and turns a bill has to take
to get though this building is a lot like the twists and turns in this (takes
a bite out of the aforementioned pretzel) disappointedly stale snack.
(turns around to camera #2) Hello, I'm Ed Helms. The issues that
shape our nation are debated not just here in Washington, but in national
capitals across the country. One such issue is the high cost of health
insurance. Rob Corddry finds out just who to blame...
The Great Emancipator,
the rail splitter, Honest Abe. Abraham Lincoln, one of our nation's
greatest historical figures, his epic debates with Mike Douglass are the
stuff of legends. His discovery of the copper penny quadrupled the nations
exact change making capabilities. During the Civil War, he bought his
nation together during his famed inguration address at Gettysburg. But Abraham
Lincoln was about much more than false teeth and cherry trees, he
was about freedom. He liked it, very much. In fact, he's the only
president in history to have freed the slaves. Today, Lincoln's legacy
lives on, as does the struggle for civil rights. Stephen Colbert visited
with a woman...
With liberty and justice
for all: those four simple words form a core American principal. But just
how important is justice for our way of life? Well, it may surprise you to
learn that our government has an entire justice department, and its job is
to ensure that justice doesn't fall into the wrong hands. When it does,
the problem comes here to the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Headquartered
in this beautiful, Romanesque oedipus (sp?) behind me. To walk in the corridors
of this building without permission is a risk of a brutal pistol whipping,
but to stroll along its parameters is to be reminded that ours is a nation
of laws. There are files here on everyone. Not just you an me, known criminals
and even terrorists. By hunting down and incarcerating those who violate
our laws, we are in a very real sense hunting down and incarcerating a
piece of ourselves. Today, our nation is challenged in ways we've never
been challenged before. And we continue to root out the evil do-ers who
would defy our laws. Steve Carell went undercover to find out just how
great this menace is...
Hello, welcome back to
Washington. I'm Ed Helms. Behind me stands the city's most majestic obelisk: The Washington Monument. Built by George Washington
himself to commemorate the 100th anniversary of his own death, this
gleaming white shaft, a symbol of the man that fathered our country serves
as a beacon of all those who inseminated our nation with the white, milky
spermaphozola of um...(turns away) No
doubt old George would of been pretty confused by some of our new fangled
inventions, like the printing press, or TIVO, or my favorite (shivers)
fire, but the timeless values of which he believed in are even less
timeful now. Values like elections, and the having of them. Sure, our
first president may not of foreseen the full flowering the full flowering
of democracy's miracle (pulls a bouquet of flowers out of his jacket
sleeve) but the fact is, we live in a country where one can run for
any elected office one chooses. Mo Rocca recently met one such one...
I came to Washington D.C.
in search of the soul of democracy. What I found was not so much a
metaphor, but an actual medium-sized city with buildings and a subway
system, and at least one good Salvadorian restaurant But, the point is,
that the issues that take our country into these upcoming elections are
not abstract ideals, they're every bit as tangible as freedom, liberty, or
this guitar. Yup, this old six-string reminds me of America. It's a
little battered, a little out of tune, but, I'm Ed Helms, and (starts warbling
and playing the guitar):
o/` I'm an
American, I'm an American,
I'm an Americaaaannn baaabby, like an eagle, I soar, up in the skies of
liberty, and I land on purple mountains majesty, majesty, majesty, that's
where I land, and I soar over the waaaves of graaay.... o/`
"I'm Ed Helms"
TDS Ads (October, 2002) "
Airdate: The month of
In one ad, Jon Stewart
shows us how the correspondents actually hate each other at TDS:
(Stephen Colbert and Ed at the TDS desk)
We'll be right back...
(camera turns off)
Had a little trouble getting those words out?
Bite me, Stephen.
That's not what Saddam wants...
Well, what does Saddam want?
(The two start to fight, and the fight goes outside of the TDS studios.
Mo Rocca passes by, and says:)
"I thought the douche bag parade was this Sunday..."
(And they chase Mo down The Street)
another ad involving Jon showing off the new TDS television (I forgot the
details of this ad, I don't have it on any of my TDS tapes, just on my
"junk tapes") and Ed, Mo Rocca, and Stephen Colbert come to look
at it, Jon turns TV on, and the bright light and the great graphics on the
TV, and its as though the three are electrocuted by it, they scream, and
their hair gets messed up.
Real Players "
(date unknown; presented
on comedycentral.com week of October 28-31, 2002)
"When I'm interviewing somebody, I am not wearing anything at all from the waist
down. Uh...I'm wearing pants right now because I'm being interviewed."
"If Tom Dashle and Trent Lott were to get in a street fight"
Dashle and Trent Lott were to engage in a bare-fisted, knock-down,
smackdown, cage match....I gotta tell you, Daschle's scrappy, you know? He's like...he's just a
wirely, fiesty, little guy. You can tell Lott's a street fighter, you know? He'd grab
dirt and throw it in Daschle's eyes, and Daschle would stumble back like a
wounded bear, and then Lott would kick him right in the coin purse."
"If I wasn't a correspondent"
"I really like Frisbee, and I would probably get into some kind of amateur Frisbee
"Why we are covering the mid-term elections"
"The Daily Show came to
Washington D.C. to cover the midterm elections...uh...not because anybody cares
about the elections, because they don't, but because uh...there are a lot of
interns here in Washington, and...its pretty evident....."
"A lot of people didn't actually see this, but uh...I asked Bush [speaking
slowly] 'what is your stand on Iraq?', and he said, and I quote: (Ed
makes a horrible monster-like noise)
"Smell of freedom"
Not transcribed yet
"Who would the correspondents binge drink with?"
Clip is broken on comedycentral.com. Which means we will probably
never hear or see it.
Mutton Chops "
Airdate: October 28, 2002
(from the shows in
Ed is behind
Jon at the huge big screen plasma screen to give an inside look at the
congress stands today. Come November fifth, it will be all gone. In lieu
of this, Ed sings a bar of "The Sound Of Silence", and Jon interrupts him Ed so he can ask him
about the changes he anticipates. Ed shows Jon a projection of the 108th
congress, and Jon says it looks exactly the same, and Ed says "What
are you talking about? That guy's different, that chick wasn't even
there!" Jon also notices that Henry Hyde (sp?) had mutton chops, and
he asks Ed why, and he says "Our computer projects him winning by
such a huge margin that he gets a little cocky, starts to get a little
Elvis on congress' ass." Jon also notices that Henry is sitting next
all subject to change."
Erskine Vomits "
Airdate: October 29, 2002
(from the shows in
Ed talks to Jon about political
advertisements. One of the trends for this year's elections is "candidate
as political outsider". ("Ah...his pitch is that he's
inexperienced and flawed.") But Ed brings up the "dark
side" of this political tactic. Once you win, you're no longer an
outsider, you're an insider, the exact thing you loathe. ("How can
you deal with that paradox? You would be soulless. Somehow, that doesn't
seem to bother these people.") And ad with Elizabeth Dole is shown
with ordinary people praising her as though Elizabeth has never done a political
thing in her life. Jon says something along the lines of "why did she
even bother doing an ad like that since everyone knows who she is. Ed says
that Dole has name recognition, something that her opponent, Erskine
Bowles has to compete for. (a clip is shown of his ad that takes place in
a bowling alley with two men watching Erskine bowl, and they say things
like "Erskine Bowls?") Ed says the point of this ad is make
people remember his name: Erskine. Jon corrects him by saying that
the ad is a form of an numenoic (sp?) device, his name is Bowles, and he's
bowling in the ad. Ed thinks that's an even better idea, and "its a
good thing his name isn't Erskine Vomits! But seriously, Erskine Bowles is
a very stupid name."
I can't take any action on my own! "
(no image available)
Airdate: October 30,
(from the shows in
It's the beginning of the
show, and Jon is telling everyone where the correspondents "are
located" that night (Rachel Harris is on the road, Ed is in
Minnesota, and Rob Corddry is in Oregon) The "Boxes" that Rachel
nad Ed are in are the usual boring grey boxes, but Rob's box is all decked
out for the upcoming holidays. ("Oh, this old thing? I use it when I
don't care how good I look" - Rob) You can see that ol Ed is getting a
pouty/hurt look on his face, and he says "Jon...I didn't know we
could decorate our boxes". Rob re-iterates Ed in a "retardish"
tone, and "I can't take any action on my own!":
Ed: Shut Up!
Rob: Shut Up, Bitch!
Ed: Say it to my face!
And Rob walks over to Ed, says shut up again, and Ed head-butts Rob. This
whole time Rachel is standing there looking happy and chipper.
Ed Goes Trick-Or-Treating Down Embassy Road/The Vote-a-maniacs "
Airdate: October 31,
(from the shows in
Ed decides since its
Halloween, and he's in D.C., he'll go trick-or-treating down embassy row
to see if foreign nations have anything to give us. But Ed's missing some
"Halloween Magic". He snaps his fingers, and to his (and
to everyone else's) surprise
he's wearing nothing but his
tight red boxers and his
watch! Ed snaps his fingers again, and he appears in a homemade pirate
suit. Ed visits the Greek Embassy first, and he gets a "er..trick
or treat?" from the doorman, and a door in his face. At the Egyptian
embassy someone wants the camera off, and Ed says "sorry". The Brazilian
Embassy is in a meeting ("I bet its about candy!") Ed gets
the best luck at the Armenian Embassy (a hand-er, hook shake, and a
smile). Ed gets candy from Romania, Kenya, Pakistan, and vegemite from
Australia. But, he gets circus peanuts from Mexico ("This happens
every year. Mexico is giving out f*****g circus peanuts.") Meanwhile,
back at the Armenian embassy "Monster Mash" is played in the
background, and Ed's chomping on candy, while an employee wears a clown
wig, and just looks around, a look of boredom or just scared out of wits,
I don't know. At the Kenyan embassy, Mohamed Gello puts on a leprechaun
hat, and says "Now I'm a leprechaun!". The big trick of the day
is Ed throwing eggs at the French Embassy. (Did I mention that Ed gets
spanked by a woman dressed like a devil at the Paraguayan Embassy?) As
much fun as Ed is having, the real world and its dangers are always
around, so Ed visits the Iraqi embassy where "old man Hussein
lives". Ed tells us on certain nights you can hear him turning away
U.N. weapons inspectors. Ed sneaks in the dark embassy, wondering if
there's anyone in sight. The light comes on, and "old man
Hussein" appears (and he's not wearing much). Ed runs out screaming,
and Hussein asks "don't you want a Charleston Chew?"
-end of story-
About five minutes later,
Stephen Colbert unveils his troupe of players that will educate people on
voting. Their name is the Vote-a-maniacs, and its composed of Rob Corddry,
Ed Helms, Mo Rocca, and Rachel Harris. (and they don't wear suit jackets
either!) You could almost call this group community service. ("after
all, the judge did!" - Stephen) In the first "improv-sketch",
Rob and Ed are two skateboarders who are just "chillin'" in
front of a seven eleven:
Ed: Hey, what's up?
Rob: Nothing, dogg! I was just in the seven-eleven.
Ed: Hey, did you hear that the federal government just passed a bill to
give 3.9 million dollars to voting...agencies?
Rob: Dude! That rocks!
other sketches involving Mo, Rob, and Rachel, the group unveils a simple
numenoic device. (holding up letters to spell the word:)
"that spells ball", and Stephen explains that some members are
out with food poisoning, and that Jon will have to help Jon with the
ending part. Ed represents the letter "A":
"A! Always be 18 or over, and be a citizen of the United States and
not a felon!"