Synopsis (January 2003)

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"Mark Your Calendar: January"

Airdate: January 8, 2003

Well, December is over, leaving us in the joyless netherworld that is January. But, despair not, because if you look hard enough you'll find that this month is filled with many exciting festivities, events, occasions, and even happenings. In fact, the entire month of January is Clinical Trial Awareness Month. If you wake up strapped to a gurney with a pressure sleeve on your penis, and your unlabeled IV drip only makes you think of Candy and/or invisible midgets, you are taking part in a clinical trial. And, for this month only, be aware of it.

January fifth though the twelfth - why that's right now - is 'Someday We'll Laugh About This Week'. It's sponsored by Joel Goodman of the Humor Institute, and he holds a doctorate in 'Look At Me! Look At Me! I named a week!

The nineteenth marks the 140th anniversary of the birthday of Edgar Helms, who developed the philosophy and organized that is became Goodwill Industries. I'm not sure if I'm related to him, for you see, I'm a bastard.

But of course, all of this is a prelude for the thirtieth: January's grand finale: Inane Answering Machine Day! Started by Thomas and Ruth Roy of Lebanon, Pennsylvania. I've got mine all set. Take a listen:

"Hi! This is Ed, and Mrs. Patches! Say hi, Mrs. Patches! Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow! That's an excellent question, Mrs. Patches! I don't know who's calling us! Maybe they'll leave a message! Meow Meow Meow Meow? Have a mice day!" (beep)

I've had that message for six years now...happy January, everybody!


" F---ing Dick Van Dyke, Man! "

Airdate: January 9, 2003

You ever lose your keys to your relatively hot mother-in-law's house, and you really need to get in the house, and then you remembered that you watched the movie "Mary Poppins" a few nights before, and you thought: "I could go down that chimney!"
Well, for 35 year old "youngster" Mark Vaughn, he was wrong...

What triggered 'I'm going to jump in a chimney?'
I seen this movie Mary Poppins a few weeks ago....
What were you thinking when you got caught in the chimney?
A bunch of
Was it like, 'woah, that was probably not a good thing to do.'

Does society expect its 35 year olds to distinct fact from fiction>? Where was his hot mommy-in-law? She doesn't blame her self for her son-in-laws tomfoolery. Ed also asks an expert on what exactly are the things that Mary Poppins does that is fantasy. One of the things the expert mentions is breaking into song in a middle of a conservation. Ed's reply:

o/`I beg to differ...I think that people break into song all the time...with regularityyyy.....o/`

Ed also talks to an anonymous Disney rep. (with large mouse-like ears and sounds like a bad Michael Jackson impersonator). The rep. just wants the kids to be happy and have fun. Ed says that it seems like a lot of people are getting hurt. Mick-er, the rep. lashes out with a remark about some kids not being his.

But back to Mark:
What were you thinking when you got out?
Like I was f---ing Dick Van Dyke, man....

" Ad Nauseam: Happy Cows "

Airdate: January 13, 2003


Effective commercial advertising is all about creating a fantasy in which your dreams of your ideal world become a reality. A world where you can see a teddy bear come to life, and soften your fabric, or a professional athlete come to your door and install high-speed internet access. Or something as far-fetched  and inconceivable as a family happy eating dinner together. 
Here, the California Milk Advisory Board presents a storybook existence for the animals that produce our favorite cheeses. 
(shows ad of two cows "talking" about what makes them so happy)
It's an image that makes you want to consume massive quantities of the curdled, bacteria-infused, byproduct extracted from their teats! But, see, there are those that take issue with advertisers that distort reality to sell their products.  PETA argues that idealizing a cow's life is wrong, and released a video-taped response to the cow ad to show actual dairy farm conditions are nowhere near where advertisers would have you to believe. Man, I had no idea what a horrible existence cows have, and to be honest, I didn't really care. I just wanted some f---ing cheese, man! But that's PETA, in your face, controversial, and even if they never really influenced the way people treated animals, they have done some interesting commercials. 
In this one, a rouge turkey takes over a supermarket full of customers hostage, and threatens to brutally torture and kill them: 
Attention, shoppers! Do exactly what I say, and nobody gets hurt. Innocent victims will be beaten, scalded alive, and their throats will be slit.
I guess he's a member of Al-cluck-a! (laughs, and then makes a grimace to the poor audience reaction)
If you know what's good for you, you'll meet my only demand: go vegetarian! 
Do you get it, people? Do you see what PETA is trying to tell us? We gotta start killing the turkeys before they kill us! Mmm...preemptive strike.  Come to think of it, its only a matter of time before those talking cows take matters into their own hooves. Revenge is a dish best served medium rare...Jon?

"Ed Helms Freaks Out At The Burning Man Festival. Hear His Harrowing Tale Of Twirling Around With A Woman Named Greenbean " ["Jon" Magazine Ad]

Airdate: January 22, 2003

Read the above sentence (the sentence in the really big font)  That's basically what happened. No need for more explanation. 


" Unendangered  Species "

Airdate: January 23, 2003

In Louisiana swamps a small creature called the Nutria is telling greenhouse gases, pollution, and environmental degradation to 'bring it on, biach!" During the last seventy years while man was ruining the planet, the Nutria population has been growing, and ruining the planet right along with us. A hoity-toity expert says that the Nutria population is a nightmare, and that's why they have to 'dispose' of them. These buck-toothed fuzzy things have wandered in peoples yards, and are fighting the family pets for food. During the experts explanation, Ed's thoughts wander off, and states that everyone loves seeing them scamper around. The expert tries to get though Ed's head that the Nutria is killing the ecosystem in Louisiana, but Ed just gets too distracted by the cute little buggers. ("Hi, little guy!").  The woman finally gets so frustrated, and says in her best Kindergarden-teacher tone:

"Have you listened to anything I've said?!"

Ed also talks to a "Doctor Innards", and the "doctor" explains what the Nutria gives back to us after destroying everything. Why, he's a walking department store! The little Nutria's give us their teeth for jewelry, their fur for purses, and he even gives his own back legs for food!  

The sheriff says all the Nutria does is "eat and screw". ("Eat and screw? Why, that's the American Dream! He should be on the one-hundred dollar bill!") That's a lesson we all could use! Sadly Ed tries this tactic in the TDS offices, and gets coffee tossed on him by a female co-worker. ("All of God's creatures could benefit from a little more f---ing!") 

" Ad Nauseam: Superbowl Ads "

Airdate: January 27, 2003

Super Sunday is without a question the most important day of the year for advertisers, and of an audience of over a half billion viewers worldwide, you might even call it the Stanley Cup of advertising. Last night's commercials spared no expense employing today's top celebrities, the latest in digital wizardry, and of course some slide-splitting comedy that you'll be talking about all year long. So, are you ready for some adver-ta-sments! Let's get things started with a classic:
shows some plain, yet informative financial ad for a banking place of some sorts
Ok...that isn't the best one. But there was plenty of highlights. According to a poll at USA Today, America's favorite advertisement was one for Budweiser in which a zebra referee checks an instant replay in a football game between Clydesdales. Actually, I missed that one. I was taking a leak...Budweiser... Another popular ad was for a sugar beverage called....Pepsi? Let's hope this puts them on the map:
shows Osbourne ad. We've all seen it, Osbourne kids turn into the Osmonds
Irrespirable!  Who among us wouldn't rush out and buy a Pepsi if they knew it would make the Obournes disappear? 
Special effects were featured prominently in many of this years most memorable ads. Gatorade used cutting-edge technology to answer a question on every sport fan's mind: if new Michael Jordan played old Michael Jordan how many cases of Gatorade would they drink? The answer? Enough to have it come out of their heads! 
Last night's ads also had plenty for the animal lovers. Like a guy who gets bitten in the year by a crab, a guy who gets bitten on the nuts by a squirrel, and a dog who almost causes its owner a severe spinal cord injury. These unforgettable ads can't believe that guy got bitten in the nuts! All this was a prelude to the evening's most artistic, and in my humble opinion; best commercial which is delivered by Levi's. A herd of bison stampede from the rugged wilderness to a surreal city scene that's void of human existence, expect for these two lonely wanders, in which all fear dissolves as they embrace the power of these majestic animals. I have no idea what that was all about! I don't get it!
That's ok, Ed. 
This is my job! I'm the advertising guy! I'm supposed to know this stuff! But I do know one thing: those two should of been trampled. 


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