Synopsis (July 2003)

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Mark Your Calendar : July "
Airdate: July 10, 2003
Hi! I'm Ed Helms, and July's biggest holiday has come and gone, Independence day. 'Hope you had a great fourth. I celebrated the day like I always do : having independence declared on me by a woman. You know the drill, the grilling, the fireworks ... although this year the woman in question tried a new custom : the throwing of my clothes out of the window. I think its going to be a keeper.
But, hey, did you know that we're not the only country celebrating our Independence this month? That's right, July fourteenth marks Bastille day, when the French began their revolution by freeing their prisoners. Not just political prisoners, mind you, all prisoners. Bastille : its French for 'Why are you stabbing me? I just freed you!'
Next weekend fire up your engines and blaze your way to Bradford, PA for National Zippo day, celebrating the great American cigarette lighter! National Zippo day is July eighteenth (pauses) and nineteenth ... ok, that's crap, 'cause if you're going to have a day, it should last a day. (the familiar "Mark Your Calendar" music stops in the background) You know what I'm saying? Because I'm talking to people who are trying to plain their month around National Zippo day, and then it turns out to be 48 hours?! Ok, who's the asshole now?! I am! Come on guys, what are you doing! This is all I got! Notifying viewers of upcoming events! (tears up) That's it for me ...
(pause ... someone in the audience goes 'awww...')
Anyway (music starts back up again) if you're looking to spice up your summer with some variety, head on over to the central Nebraska Ethnic Festival, a showcase of all of Nebraska's ethic cultures. All of them! From the people who's ancestors came from Germany in the 1850's, to the people whose ancestors came from Germany in the 1870's. 
Finally ... (cell phone rings) that reminds me that July is national cell phone courtesy month. In honor of this occasion, I've written a song to Nokia's ring tone number three : 

o/ `You're an annoying, stupid, douche bag, turn you phone off now, You're an annoying, stupid, douche bag, turn you phone off now o/`
For Mark Your Calendar, this is Ed Helms. o/ `You're an annoying, stupid, douche bag, turn you phone off now, You're an annoying, stupid, douche bag, turn you phone off now o/`

" Ad Nauseam : Disturbing Commercials "
Airdate: July 16 2003
During the break, you were probably watching commercials, and you were probably saying to yourself 'I wish someone would explain commercials in a perhaps longer piece. Well, let's do it. With a closer look at commercials, especially disturbing commercials, here's Ed Helms and Ad Nauseam.
The human body : let's face it, its disgusting, and we should all be ashamed. So when advertisers need to sell products for more unpleasant bodily functions their challenge is to make sure consumers understand the product without being sickened by the presentation. For example, can you tell with unmentionable personal hygiene issue is being addressed in this commercial:
(Shows an ad that mostly shows people's rear ends, being mostly focused on people's rear end while swimming)
I'll give you a few hints : here (circles someone's posterior), here (another circle) here (ditto) and here. Give up?
Commercial voiceover:
Introducing new Cottonele Moist Wipes.
you see, advertisers know that nobody wants to hear about fecal remnants clinging to their anuses after defecating. Everyone knows that even the most diligent papering cannot eliminate all the fecal residue, but you just can't say that on TV. That's why Cottonele wants you to know that their product should be used in conjunction with anally rinsing in a public pool.
Some advertisers take it a step further. Epilstop shows their disturbing product actually being used. Wow, that looks like a good way to remove hair from hot ladies while ruining towels! By using models, EpilStop demonstrates their product without showing you the kind of consumers that really need it. Consumers like ... Ed Helms:

Yet another way advertisers market their product is to go the cute and cuddly route This ad for anti-fungal foot medication presents a loveable, somewhat disturbing (shows the ad in which the critter "opens up" someone's toenail, and climbs in) Oh dear god! What is he doing?! Sweet Christ! 
(Ed runs away in fear)
Ed: (running down the sidewalk)
You see, they've got my attention. Advertising at its most effective makes you want to run out and buy the product immediately. (runs to a Duane Reade) Monster ... in ... my ... toe ... Lamsil ... Now
(Ed runs back to the studio while throwing back Lamsil down his throat.
Ed: (back at studio)
Well, I've taken the entire bottle, but is my overdose working? Let's take a look inside my toenail right now:
(shows clip of critter being run over by the Lamsil pill)
Bam! Take that, biach! Get up fungus boy! That's what I'm talking about!
I think that little bastard has had enough. Now the only evil gremlin living inside me is the one in my heart. Where it belongs.

(extra) Comedy Central's description of the segment : Fecal remnants clinging to your anus, or, how to sell toilet paper... with aloe!

They Might Be Bryant's "

Airdate: July 21 2003
...Let's begin the preview of our Kobe Bryant trial coverage with our Senior Legal Analyst, Ed Helms. Ed is out in Colorado. Ed, as the trial progresses what are you going to have for us?
Thank you, Jon. Over the next few months, I'll be here outside the Eagle County Courthouse in Colorado. I will be shooting coverage of lawyers coming out of cars, and I will walk beside them as they head toward that entrance behind me. It is there where I will wait until the end of the day when I will again bring you footage of the lawyers. Only this time they will be getting back into their car.
That's wonderful, Ed. How will you bring your unique legal expertise to this highly publicized case? 
Everything I learned temping in a Paralegal office will come into play, and what I lack in inaccuracy, I will make up in sheer volume. Above all, our viewers can count on me to exercise absolutely no discretion. I'll report on things in the morning that will be discredited in the afternoon. And no source will be too unreliable. For instance, I've received word that Kobe Bryant killed a hobo while living in Italy in 1992. This according to a dream I had last night after eating a particularly spicy fish taco. 
(Note, I'm in the process of trying to transcribe this entire segment on my Daily Show site)

" Preview For A Story That Never Aired "
Date: July 21, 2003
Join us tomorrow night at eleven ... Plus our own Ed Helms will search for the perfect way to describe Bush's economic plan.
(Ed is in a room with a mime)
How do you feel when someone refers to Bush's economic plan as unsound?
(Mime runs his finger down his cheek)
It makes you feel sad.
(Mime makes a trapped in a box motion)
Like you're trapped in a box.
(Mime makes another motion)
Ed:'s something about a taint. 
Your groans are well justified, my friends.

" Misery Loves Companies " [re-aired]
Re-air Date: July 22, 2003
See  November, 2002 

"Jon" Magazine "Ad" "
Airdate : July 29, 2003
"In our Attic Treasures Column, Ed Helms shows us his collection of miniature porcelain ladies shoes. He keeps them at his house, which also happens to be his mother's house. You draw your own conclusions"


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