Synopsis (June 2003)

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" The Book On Hilary"  

Airdate: June 9, 2003

Ed, nice to see you. Uh...Ed is out there where the senator has been signing books all day long. Ed! Wow! What a day! Thousands and thousands of people there. Tell me about the scene there!
Jon, as you can see there is a lot of excitement here now. The line behind me goes around the block. Earlier it went straight down the block, though the intersections, a lot of people killed, but now the crowd has gotten wise, and the excitement is palatable! 
Ed, you've been down there all day. Why do you think this book is creating so much buzz? Watch your head...
(Ed's head almost gets 'clipped' by an on coming truck on the green screen)
Oh ... (checks back of head with his hand) First of all Jon, people love to read! Secondly, she's a sitting U.S. Senator, this gives people a chance to get behind the scenes of the houses of congress. Imagine if Senator Larry Craig of Idaho wrote a book? I would fight a bear to be at that book signing!
Ed, I can understand your excitement. Have you gotten a chance to look through the book?
Oh have I? Ok, allow me. (opens book) 'By the time Bill and I had left the Whitehouse, Welfare Roles had dropped from 60%, and the millions of parents had gone to work .... - are you hooked?! 'Cause there's 528 more pages of this! It's a barnburner! Ok, the pictures ... you do not want to get me started on the pictures! Do you know what the Chief Of Staff Harold Dickies looked like? 'Cause I didn't. 
What does he look like?
Ok ... I'm not falling for that because I'm not going to give anything away. No spoilers here. 
Ed, what about Senator Clinton's more personal trails and tribulations? You know, the scandals, and the ...
You mean the sex stuff? Yeah, that's in there too, I guess. But I read 'oral sex in the Oval Office' and I turn out. Bor-ing! The soul of this book is public policy. Now that's exciting! That, that I can masturbate to! 

" H
airless Whisper (a Rob Corddry story)
Airdate : June 10, 2003
Ed makes a tiny cameo during Rob's story about being "made over" as a bald man, who uses a tiny hat to cover up his "tuft" on his head. While Rob's doing work on his computer, Ed walks into his office, hands him a television remote, and says:
"What's with the tiny hat, you bald mother f***er?" 
and at the end of the story, Rob hugs everyone, and he hugs Ed, but it doesn't look like Ed appreciates the hug. 

Seņor Citizen Discount "
Airdate : June 17, 2003
Ed Helms finds someone new to blame for health care getting worse. These traffickers are taking nickels and nickels away from Pharmaceutical companies.  But who are these traffickers?
The Munson Gang
With names like Zel, Livia, and Rock Hard Charlie they rent a tricked-out forty-seven seater to go South Of The Border. But why go all the way to Mexico? The thrill of the score? Kingpin Al says its all about the money. These nizzles are sucking the drug companies dry!  They could give a damn about poor Pfizer, they just want to get high.
Ed watches as the gang goes into "go time" (but it takes a while because they need a little help opening doors and getting off the bus). With all the money flying, and the smiling faces, and the man getting "primo" medicine for his excessive gas, the allure was just too much, and Ed becomes another statistic as he bought a hit of Aspirinia.  
Now the hard part comes : steadying the nerves for the ride back across the border. Ed freaks out so much he grabs his emergency condom saved for his hot date nights, and shoves the Aspirinia... well, we all know how the story goes.
But while Ed's in the restroom, the bus went though the border. Victory was theirs!
But Ed learned two things:
#1 : Seniors will tell you everything that is wrong with them.
#2: When you're anally smuggling Aspirinia in a condom, take them out of the foil packaging first. 
At the desk with Jon:
Jon: What can we do to protect these beleaguered drug companies?
Ed : Well, Jon, its not going to be so easy. I crunched some numbers, and it seems that we need to retire everyone over the age of 65. 
Jon: Many of these people are already retired, so uh ...
Right. Forgive me. What I mean is we need to retire them.
Are you suggesting we kill off anyone over 65?
(laughs) Come on! ... yes, that's exactly what I mean ... 

Digital Watch : Digital Photography "
Airdate: June 18, 2003
Hi! I'm Ed Helms, and today we're taking a look at digital cameras, the revolutionary gadget that turns you PC into a dark room, which means that your darkroom can once again be your mom's pantry. Now, finding a digital camera can be a little confusing. I recommend small ones like the DSCP20 - it has letters and numbers. Sounds very professional. Now once you buy it, all you have to do is point and shoot. That is, make a point of reading the instruction manual, and shoot though its 250 some odd pages. 
After that, you will be on your way to be beginning to start taking your first digital photos. Like so (tries to take picture, but the camera makes a 'beep' sound) ... and the batteries' dead. That's kind of funny because I just changed it this morning. But that brings me to my next point : digital cameras use a lot of power, and you can only re-charge the batteries if they're in the camera. I'll just use this little baby right here. Now, we're ready to take some pictures, and once you've taken them, you'll want to transfer them from the camera into the computer. And all you do is hook this in here, and then that in there, like so, and we're ... having a camera recognition issue. Oh! That's probably because I haven't installed the software, which is no problem at all, it will only take a second, and while that's installing, I have a change to tell you another great (camera beeps, Ed growls) ok...
BATTERIES ALWAYS DIE!!!ok...luckily I already have some photos loaded onto my computer. I took these art a party I threw for a friend of mine who got her wisdom teeth taken out. That was a rage-er! She was in a lot of pain ... but with photos like these you're going to want to show them around, and that means printing your digital photos. How do you do that? Well, dummy, to print you just need a printer! Seriously, you're going to need a new printer. It's kind of a specialty item, and it runs around five hundred dollars, and not including the high-gloss photo paper that goes for another forty dollars a pack. Now, you're may be wondering why you would want to pay that much because traditional photo processing only costs a couple of bucks. But don't forget with digital photos, you do all the work yourself, and they don't look as good! Now even if you can't afford a fancy printer, there is a low cost alternative. What you need is one of these (takes out a Polaroid camera) an off-line analog capture and reproduction unit. It'll run you about 35 bucks, and its simple to use. All you do is aim it (aims toward computer screen) your digital photo, zoom in, and download! (laughs) And now you got an instant hard copy of your digital photo! It's really ... quite a pain in the ass. For digital watch, I'm Ed Helms. 

Notes: Someone e-mailed me who was in the studio when this segment was taped, and her friend got the Polaroid's Ed took during this segment. 


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