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78.
" I'm A Correspondent,
Please Don't Fire Me! [22 minute correspondent special] "
Airdate : September 1, 2003
Scene 1:
Jon Stewart's office, (filmed in black and white) Rob Corddry and Ed Helms are
sitting across from Jon at his desk:
Stephen Colbert (voiceover):
Previously, on 'I'm A Correspondent, Please Don't Fire Me!'
Rob Corddry: (off camera)
I'm a little worried, the fact is I really need this job right now.
Jon Stewart:
I just wanted to tell you two how great you two were doing on the show.
Rob & Ed:
Thanks..
Ed Helms (off camera)
The whole thing is very artificial
Jon:
Good news, Steve Carell is coming back.
Rob & Ed:
Oh....wow, love that guy....
Jon:
Which also means I have to fire one of you.
Ed (off camera):
Maybe I got carried away by the lights and cameras...
Jon:
You know, we just don't have the budget right now, after spending so much
money on this special.
Ed:
What special?
Stephen:
(popping out from behind plant)
The special where you Ed Helms, and you Rob Corddry compete in a
series of harrowing physical challenges (while Stephen is saying this, Ed's
eyebrows are twitching at a fevered pace in confusion) to keep your job. Welcome to I'm
A Correspondent, Please Don't Fire me!
Scene #2 At the Daily Show Set. Stephen, Rob and Ed walk in
Stephen:
Tell me, are you nervous?
Rob:
A little.
Stephen:
Ooh, that's going to cost you ten points. A true correspondent is never
nervous, but maybe you can win back some points here. In the circle of
microphones. Your job? Designate this microphone with a cube signifying your
media affiliation. The first one to dream (?) their cube wins eight points.
Here are your cubes, and .... begin.
(Rob and Ed throw paper cubes at a microphone for about five seconds)
And times up. I forgot to mention that there is a time limit. Let's take a
look. Ed, you got zero cubes, and Rob you got zero cubes also, so of course
that stands at Rob negative 10, Ed 76 points.
Rob:
What? Why?
Stephen:
Ed got the tying bonus. So, Ed you're in the lead, you get to show the first
... challenge clip.
(Ed's 2002 "Touched By A Scalpel"
is shown)
Scene #3 (daily show set)
Stephen:
The teleprompter. The device that supplies the television newsman what is bran
cannot: words. In this challenge, you will read from the prompter, and
when you make a mistake, the other gets a turn. Sounds easy?
Rob:
Yeah..
Stephen:
Places. Ed, you
begin.
Ed:
Here in the Bosnian city of Bijeljina, just miles from the border of
Voljvodina and the republic of Sapska [messes up]
Rob:
I just spoke with Duke University coach Dick Kazjenski
(Stephen blows a bullhorn)
Ed:
And he said six thick thistle sticks I repeat six thick thistle sticks.
(bullhorn)
Rob:
Were largely re-spon-sible....
Ed:
For the entire region, including Kraguvac, Srebrenica-- (Ed screams and
holds his tongue) I SPRAINED MY TONGUE!
Stephen:
Not so cocky now, are we? Huh? Let's get Ed to the circle of medical
attention. In the meantime, Rob you get the privilege of showing your first
challenge clip.
(Rob's ----------is shown)
Ed (off camera with a bandage wrapped around his tongue)
I didn't do so well in the teleprompter challenge. Nobody wants a
correspondent with a fracture in his tongue. Heaven, I kinda need a hug right
now....
(shows Ed's "Mr. Fluffums" green
screen piece as his challenge clip, and into commercial)
Stephen (voiceover):
During the break, Ed won the prized immunity necklace in the immunity
challenge, but promptly lost it in the challenge to keep the immunity
challenge. Rob challenged
Ed to name the state governors, and Rob challenged himself to be more openly affectionate
in personal relationships. Again, this lost him 76 points, but it gave him the
privilege of showing his next challenge clip.
Scene #4 (daily show set)
Stephen:
Prepare yourselves for ... The Circle of Unflattering Montages! In this
next round, you will each have to take to make it in the competitive cutthroat
world of professional journalism by assembling a video montage of your
opponents worst moments...using your bare hands....GO
GO GO!!!
(Rob and Ed mash
together pieces of video tape while Stephen yells out things as "edit!
edit! keep editing! L-cut! Mix the audio! Layer the audio, layer the audio!")
Rob shows Ed an unflattering montage entitled "Ed Helms Sux Big Time By
Rob Corddry" in which clips from Fatten Up For
Fall, Trick Or Treating On Embassy Road, Unendangered
Species, F---ing Dick Van Dyke, Man!, Oot
Of The Closet, Problem Taker Awayers : Global
Warming, and another clip from Fatten Up For Fall are shown. Ed makes an
unflattering montage entitled "Rob Corddry : A Study In Buffoonery. By Ed
Helms"
Scene 5 (daily show set)
Stephen: (on TV set with plastic ants falling on his face)
I'm sorry I cannot join you. I'm here, in a sealed, underground chamber
confronting my fear of ants by lying in a huge colony of them. But while I'm
still conscious I'd like to introduce the man one of you will lose your job
to, Mr. Steve Carell!
(Steve enters in a smoke cloud like he owns the place)
Steve:
Wow, I love what you did to the circle [of reckoning]
Stephen:
Well...let's get to the reckoning....
Steve:
Thank you, image of Stephen. Gentlemen, I have been monitoring your progress,
and you both have much to proud of. Rob, the way you handled yourself in the
microphone challenge. Ed, the way you glistened when I just addressed you.
Your professionalism, and poise is in my opinion it reminds me of a young
Steve Carell. Unfortunately, rules are rules, and we are going to have to fire
one of you, and actually we are going to fire the other one too. We're going
to fire both of you. You're both fired.
(Ed and Rob look hurt)
What would you say if I told you that tonight on this show, the two of you are
going to be married...to each other?
Rob and Ed start to giggle.
Rob:
No...
Ed:
Come on!
Rob:
Awesome!
Ed:
Yes!
Rob:
I knew it! I knew it!
(All of a sudden Steve is dressed like a priest)
Steve:
Will you both join me in the circle of reckoning?
(Ed and Rob join Steve)
Steve:
Ed Helms, do you take Rob Corddry as your lawfully wedded husband?
Ed:
...wife...
Steve:
...wife...
Ed:
I do...
Steve:
And Rob Corddry, do you take Ed Helms as your lawfully wedded husband?
Rob: (shrugs and then sniffles)
I do..
Steve:
By the power vested in me, by this dramatic music, I now pronounce you husband
and wife...congrulations
(Rob and Ed "kiss")
Stephen (voiceover)
Malzatov! (sp?)
(ending credits)
Rob:
It all happened so fast...I mean one minute I lose my job and the next I'm
married.
Ed:
I like Rob, don't get me wrong, but I'm not gay, and I don't know about Rob.
Rob:
I do like the end when we're holding hands...
Ed:
Yeah, it adds a touch of ambiguity...
(holds hands)
79.
" Digital Watch : E-Mail "
Airdate : September 10, 2003
Jon:
The Daily Show has long been on the cutting edge of computer technology. Well,
not on the cutting edge, its very short. But with the latest on the
world of high tech, we check in with our own Ed Helms, and Digital Watch.
Ed:
Hello, I'm Ed Helms, and welcome to Digital Watch. Today we're going to talk
about e-mail, or electronic mail, and Spam, its bastard son. Spam is
unsolicited e-mail that clogs up inboxes, and lets face it, its an e-nnoying
hassle that giga-bytes the big one. But the right the right software,
and a little common sense can help your computer tell the difference between bad
e-mail, like offers for low interest credit cards, and vacation homes in the Yucatan
and good e-mail like a letter from a family member or
news about an important scientific breakthrough. I mean, if it didn't make
your penis massive, how could they guarantee it? One solution to this pain in
the tech is Spam filtering software. How's it work? It filters your
incoming mail for keywords that often appear in Spam. The software will
automatically throw away any e-mail that contains these words such as Yucatan,
and penis. Which is probably why I was the last to hear about my brother's
tragic accident in Cancun. (Ed 'tears up')
Unfortunately these filters aren't perfect, and crafty spammers are always
figuring out ways to fool them. One of the more common tricks is a friendly
subject line. For instance, say you got an e-mail with the subject 'how you
doin'?'. But you don't remember having a friend named
6fkaxy4t@prescriptionschoice.biz -- that might be Spam. But there's only way
to be sure. Open it up and download all attachments. Then read it thoroughly.
If its Spam, the courteous thing to do is to forward it to everyone in your
address book with a note that ways 'watch out for this one!'.
Fortunately, Spam won't be a problem for long because now our government is
getting involved. Currently, congress is considering nine different
bills aimed at criminalizing this annoying practice. NINE. Granted, its
not quite ten, but its certainly more than the one we actually need. In
the meantime, you'll want to join my Spam Tips E-Mail List. Just go to
comedycentral.com, and sign up! I'll send you hundreds of tips every day on how
you can get rid of annoying e-mails. For Digital Watch, I'm Ed
Helms.
80.
" Alablama "
Airdate : September 18, 2003
After many months of
searching, the weapons of mass destruction have been found in no, not Iraq,
but Anniston, Alabama. Why Saddam would hide nerve and mustard gas here
remains a mystery. Now they have to find a way to destroy them--by burning
them in the middle of town.
"So the government is incinerating chemical weapons in your town, and you're
upset?", Ed asks to David Christian, a "weapons of mass destruction
hugger" who doesn't want to see the weapons burned in their town. So just
to calm everyone's fears, the governor has distributed gas masks that look a
lot like a plastic shower curtain attached to one of those devices that fixes
scratched CD's. David says that he didn't' get one because he lives 3 blocks
away, outside of the pink zone. ("Wait! You live three blocks away from
the pink zone, and you're still making all this fuss?") But fear not, for
the Pink Zone people, there's an instructional video made just for you. Why,
just go into a cramped, airless room, close off all the air, and (this is the
most fun part) play Yatzee!" But guess what doesn't come with the kit?
Ed: (while wearing a mask)
The family in the video was playing Yatzee. Is that included in the kit?
Instructor:
Nope. You don't get Yatzee, you don't get Monopoly, you don't even get Sorry!
. No games included.
That is bullshit.
Ed tries to make a deal with David:
"Cut to ten years later, a baby is born with a buttcheek
for a face, a leg sticking out of the back of its head, but everyone is
wealthy."
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