Synopsis (May 2003)

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" Banned Aid " (re-aired)

Airdate: May 1, 2003

Synopsis never made.

Race From The Whitehouse "

Airdate: May 5, 2003

Ed, why don't you talk to us about your thoughts on the democrats first big night?

Well, Jon with so many candidates in the debate, its hard to pick a forerunner, but I did think Liberman did well, and um ... Senator from Mass. ... Uh ... Uh ..

John Kerry?

Yeah! That's the guy! He scored some big points with his health care plan. And you gotta admire than guy taking it right to strident character actor looking guy.

I'm going to guess you're talking about Bob Graham and Dennis Krasmitch (sp?)

Sure. I guess.

Ed, what about John Edwards? The debate was held in South Carolina, Senator Edwards is from North Carolina, any partiality toward the crowd?

Edwards .... Oh! Handsome Guy! Everyone was way into that guy. If looks could vote, there's your nominee, Jon.

Ed, did any of these candidates make any impression on you?

Well, not individually, but I'm one man here, Jon, and at last count there was 43 candidates on that stage.

There was nine!

Ok, 43, nine, what matters is that's more than two, which is a debate number most Americans can get their heads around. I mean, sure as a reporter I cold of taken the time to learn the candidates names, studied their positions, what they stand for, but at the end of the day, 8/9th of that research is going to be for Jack-Off Squat. I mean, Carol Mosley Brawn? Life's too short ...

Full Metal Jack-It "

Airdate: May 12, 2003

Are all care packages getting through to our military? Ed finds out that instead of cases of porno for our brave troops, they've been getting cases of toothpaste instead. These packages were supposed to show that we care for their "packages", but "anti-troop" goody two-shoe family groups have been barring our solders from getting these tapes. He says that they're bad and oh-so wrong:
Ed: Why are you against a video that instructs our troops how to make babies?
Two-shoe : If a man needs a tape to learn how to make love to a woman, than he has a serious problem. 
(Ed looks uncomfortable)
How could someone object to a natural emotion between a man and a woman ... and another woman and a pool guy and possibly a horse? 
Ed tries to figure out why this man is so riled up over shirtless, pizza delivery men, music with heavy bass, and them two making love. 
He says its immoral. 
So, for now the videotapes are now stuck in a Las Vegas warehouse, waiting for when the troops come home. But Ed walked off with about 250 reminders on why America is so great. 

Ed, I Have No Idea What You're Talking About " 

Airdate: May 13, 2003

Our Senior Terrorist Expert, Ed Helms is in Seattle, (very close to Rob Corddry apparently) Ed, can you describe the scene there?
It has been an incredible twenty-four hours here, Jon. This was the scene yesterday:
(shot of fake dirty bomb going off is shown)
The Simulated Seattle Bombing. It's an event that would of been seared in our national conscience. It would of been an image upsetting to anyone who happened upon it. Let's take another look:
(footage is shown again)
Yes, this reporter would of been in quite a lot of danger, reporting from the scene, witnessing acts of heroism, perhaps even participating in one, a career forged in tragedy, a reputation forever burned in the minds of American people...
Ed, I have no idea what you're talking about. This is in Seattle, it's a drill, a test for preparedness of first responders. 
Look, the press has to be prepared as well, okay? If this kind of attack were to occur, I would not want to come across as callous and uncaring, but rather concerned, rattled, but courageously working through it, and that takes practice. I mean, you can't just stumble upon a disaster scene and nail it. 
Ed, if God forbid something happen, why couldn't you act naturally like any human being would?
Yeah, that would be a great idea if I wanted to stay in cable for the rest of my life, Jon! Reporting from the hypothetical catastrophe, this is Ed Helms saying:

Digital Watch : Identity Theft

Airdate: May 14, 2003

Hi! I'm Ed Helms, and today on Digital Watch, I want to talk about Identity Theft. Now let's say you woke up one morning with money left on your back account, and a six-thousand dollar phone bill for something called The Anal Zoo. Well, chances are is that someone broke into your computer, and stolen your identity. Identity theft is a growing problem in cyberspace, but you can protect yourself with a few simple steps I've prepared using a PowerPoint presentation. Let's take a look:

(Ed giggles) I'm very good at PowerPoint...First things first, many of today's hip web surfers like shopping online, leading us to rule number 1:

'Watch Out Where You ..... CHAAARRRRGGGEEE!' (it's a bull...) When you shop online, you have to give out your credit card number. Now, I happen to not have a credit card at this time in my life, but those of you trusted by financial institutions need to make sure the site is encrypted for your protection. It's very easy to find out. Look in the lower left corner, this 'lock' icon means the site is secure. This 'unlocked' icon means that the connection is not secure. And this 'flaming skull' icon means someone has already hacked your computer, and is draining my funds as we speak. That's ... uh ... you want to steer clear from the flaming skull. The next way to steer clear from identity thieves is to be smart about your password:

A good password is all that stands between you and someone else being you. So, when you choose one, don't go for the obvious, like your name or birthday. Pick one you can remember, but no one else can guess. Just don't use 'Spongecake31' because that one is taken - by someone, not me, I , I would never give out my password ... on television. Oh, dammit! You people are quick! Finally, don't ever use e-mail ever! That's how the bastards get in, okay? Pretending to be your friend, or saying they love you, do you really need a lower mortgage, or a larger penis? Do what normal people do - call your friends on the phone! Jesus! So ... take our advice, and you'll make sure the only person calling Anal Zoo is you. For Digital Watch, I'm Ed Helms. (looks at computer) actually, looks like someone else is Ed Helms for now. Jon?
Ed! They applauded! They thought you were giving good advice! 

" VH1 All Access : Awesomely Bad Hair

Airdate: May, 2003
Ed is one of the interviewees in this hour long special about celebrities bad hair:
On Metallica  cutting their hair in 1996:
"Metallica had long hair, they cut it all off, and if you have a problem about that, then you suck because Metallica rocks!!" 
On Rosie O'Donnel cutting her hair short a-la-A Flock Of Seagulls:
"Rosie came out of the closet, God Bless Her, that took a lot of courage, and her haircut took a lot more courage. "
On Trent Lott's "Old Skool" look:
"Trent Lott has the same hairstyle he had in the 1950's, which is perfect because he still has the same belief system he had in the 1950's."
On Body Hair:
"Body hair is like drinking. It's fine in moderation."
On Facial Hair:
"Facial hair on a man enhances the 'hunkiness factor' . I give you Tom Sellick's mustache. However, if you move that mustache up into the forehead region, you're looking at trouble."
On Joey Lawrence's eyebrows:
"Joey Lawrence's eyebrows have gotten smaller and smaller over the years, now its an interesting thing, because Joey's career has gotten bigger and bigger ... no, wait ..."
On Michael Jackson's 'scandal' hair:
"Michael Jackson doesn't really have hair. What he has is a rate lemur that sits on top of his head."
On Mr. T's Trademark Hair:
"I think in the case with Mr. T, is that hair is like the perfect distillation of his personality. Bad Attitude Baracus"
On being bald:
"The decisive factor is the shape of your head. If you have a cool head then you're golden."


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