" Weakened Getaway "
Airdate : October 6, 2003
Things can go wrong when
you're on vacation...especially if you're Ryan Clancy, and you decide to go to
Iraq for a vacation. Ryan explains to Ed how he took a plane to Milan,
and then a bus to Greece, Turkey Syria, and then to Iraq. Since Ryan is a
college-aged man, Ed thinks there was some hi-jinks on the bus ride there:
"Were people on the bus like 'woo! Baghdad 2003!' "(lifts an
imaginary shirt and shows imaginary breasts)
The whole trip took about three weeks--why three weeks? Because Ryan didn't
use a trusted internet travel website, instead he used humanshields.org. His
strategy was if him and enough western people came into Iraq, the war wouldn't
start. (obviously, that didn't happen)
How bummed were you?
...we wanted to stop bombs from hitting certain places.
There was thousands of bombs, and you are telling me that you couldn't get
under one of them? ... It's like you couldn't get laid in a whore house with a
first full of dollars!
This guy needs an expert to help him pick his next trip...one with a cluttered
office and a phone (may I add with the most annoying ringtone EVER!) that won't stop ringing even after Jose has gotten the
phone kind of expert.
I don't think Ed ever got an
interview with her...all due to Jose not turning off the damn phone...
" Where The Little People Live [California Re-Decision 2003 Special] "
Airdate : October 7, 2003
...at the headquarters for candidate Gary Coleman. Ed?
(Ed is standing next to a very tiny shack like doll house.)
Jon, here at Coleman H.Q. , its been a buzz of activity. Coleman pulled
up a few minutes ago in his dream car, there's been a steady stream of
well-wishers here. Vern Troyer, Emmanuel Lewis, Punky Brewster...
Ok, Ed...I get the point. Gary Coleman is not a very large man.
No he is not.
Do you have any information on the recall results?
No I don't.
" CNN Interview With Ed Helms "
Airdate : October 10, 2003
Transcript found off of bigchalk.com:
Interview With Ed Helms; Carol Lin
CNN Special 10-11-2003
CNN SATURDAY NIGHT
CAROL LIN, CNN ANCHOR: Admit it. We're fascinated by celebrities. So now that
Arnold Schwarzenegger has made it to the highest office in California, are
there any other big name stars planning to get into politics or have some of
them actually tried before?
To help us answer that, Ed Helms of "The Daily Show" on Comedy
Central joins us from New York on special assignment for us tonight.
Hi there, Ed.
ED HELMS, THE DAILY SHOW: Hi, Carol.
LIN: All right. Well, you know, after the California recall, we couldn't
really resist. You know, you got any ideas on who might want to run for
HELMS: Well, you've got the standard line up of politically active actors,
your Alec Baldwins, Susan Sarandons, Tim Robbins. I'm just glad Billy
Baldwin's not in the mix. That would scare me off a little bit. Pauly Shore.
LIN: I loved him in "Backdraft."
HELMS: Hey? A little bit wacky. I -- but here's the thing. A lot of people
criticize actors for getting into politics, but I say anyone who wants to get
into the political fracas, God bless them.
HELMS: It's just a job.
LIN: Yes, you're right.
HELMS: Just like any other job. I think of Senator Bill Frist from Tennessee.
He was a physician.
HELMS: I don't think anybody was saying hey, Billy, you know, the
legislature's all about passing laws, not kidney stones. I think you better go
back to your hospital.
LIN: All right, well Fred Thompson and Gopher, right?
HELMS: Fred Grandy?
LIN: Yes, Fred Grandy.
LIN: They made it, too. All right, but you know, you did a little research for
HELMS: I did.
LIN: And you did a little research, which we really appreciate.
Let's start at the top of the list.
LIN: You know, this would be a big hit in Europe. David Hasselhoff, all right?
HELMS: David Hasselhoff. Listen, George Bush has done a great job getting
France and Germany really angry at us. David Hasselhoff, for reasons
unbeknownst to all of us, is very popular there. So I think he would help mend
the rift. And also, the vice presidential ticket perhaps -- Kit, talking car.
It does highlight our dependency on foreign oil. But on the other hand, it's a
talking car. And that's pretty awesome.
LIN: All righty. Paris Hilton, the socialite?
HELMS: Paris Hilton, I think she would really fit the bill as like a New York
City board of education, just because she's so -- she's demonstrated on so
many occasions how much she cares about other people and about -- she's really
just a great role model for our kids, I think.
LIN: Not a -- no tongue in cheek there, I can tell. All right, Catherine
HELMS: Yes, Catherine Zeta-Jones. First of all, it's got a great ring to it.
President Zeta-Jones. And second of all, probably most importantly, she's
really hot. And...
LIN: And her husband's already played the president of the United States.
HELMS: Catherine if you're watching...
LIN: Yes, I think you're thinking of a different kind of state of the union
there, Ed. All right, let's move on here. Woody Harrelson?
HELMS: Woody Harrelson. For some reason I feel like his politics line up
nicely with the state of Oregon. So he might be a good representative for the
state of Oregon, just because they both seem to put a high priority on
LIN: Yes. Well, you know, caring for the sick and...
HELMS: Of course. It's all about...
LIN: ...whatever it takes. Chemotherapy's rough, so you know, if Woody's got a
solution, then I'm sure you'd have a lot of support out there.
HELMS: God bless them.
LIN: OK, Sponge Bob Squarepants.
HELMS: Sponge Bob, the guy's a uniter. He's not a divider.
He's made friends with all kinds of sea creatures that -- are you friends with
the starfish? I can't even talk to a starfish.
LIN: Some of my best friends are starfish, Ed.
HELMS: All right. But also, he's clearly -- he's a delicate sea creature. So
his environmental record speaks for itself.
LIN: Yes, when you live it, you know, you can really -- you have some
HELMS: Absolutely. And have you seen President Bush backpacks around town? I
don't think so.
LIN: No, you're right.
HELMS: I think people have spoken. The economics...
LIN: You know, I heard talk about lunch pails, but not backpacks.
HELMS: Lunch pails, President Bush lunch pails?
LIN: All right, so is there a Lincoln or a George Washington in this crowd, do
HELMS: Well, I think that Count Chocula is probably our next great leader. And
I'll tell you why I say that. First of all, I love the guy. And I have loved
him for the last 25 years. Let's face it, he's got good leadership skills. Hes'
been a count over some sort of chocolaty fiefdom. So he's going to be able to
keep our country in line.
My vote is...
LIN: But Captain Crunch and Tony the Tiger...
HELMS: Well, Tony the Tiger's had some problems in the past.
He's got a checkered past.
LIN: Well, look, he's made it on Mount Rushmore.
HELMS: I know. That's a great graphic. That is really something.
LIN: We thought we'd just yuck it up with you, Ed. Ed Helms, thank you so much
for joining us tonight.
HELMS: Thanks a lot, Carol.
LIN: All right, we'll look forward to the next campaign, huh?
LIN: Who knows what it may bring? Paris Hilton, OK.
" MTV2's 'What Were They Thinking?' "
Airdate : October, 2003
On Van Halen hiring the guy from Extreme
to be the lead singer:
"Van Halen lost David Lee Roth. How and why that happened, nobody's quite
On Prince re-naming himself as a symbol:
"All I know is, I gave it to my mom as a brooch for Christmas, and she
On Tommy Lee's Method Of Mayhem video for "Get Naked" :
"I think that the giant remote control is symbolic in so much as Tommy
Lee's actual penis is a remote control for his brain...so is my
"To see Tommy Lee rolling around on sheets naked, flipping around
spreading his legs will give me erectile dysfunction for at least a week
On Alanis Moressete's "Thank U" Video:
"At least the hair extensions were attractive ... to Chewbacca."
"I don't know what a gynecologists would say, but its like woah, where's
On a video by Wyclef Jean and Bono:
"Rather than annoying the general public with bizarre, freakish,
tragically stupid videos, why don't you take a little bit of your own money
and give that to the children, and leave us out of it."
On Soul Asylum breaking up over the lead singer dating Winona Ryder
"Winona is worth dating over any circumstance ... she's worth breaking up
your band over ... I'd shoplift for her."
On a video involving Gavin Rossdale and The Blue Man Group:
"I thought that video kicked ass! I don't see anyone else doing
videos with The Blue Man group! "
On a video involving Ashanti and JaRule that parodied Grease:
"I understand that video was not very well received, and I can't imagine
why. It had all the trademarks of a great music video. It had an amusement
park as the backdrop, it had a Grease theme, and when I think JaRule,
the first thing that jumps in my mind is Olivia Newton John."
" Vh1 All Access : Celebrity Cry Babies "
Airdate : October, 2003
You know VH1 is running
out of ideals when they're doing a special on Celebrities crying, but Ed Helms
was in it, and Judy Gold, so that made it worth watching:
On Michael Jordan Crying:
"Wow! It's ok for real men to (breaks up) to cry....and that's a beautiful
On Pete Sampras Crying:
"The guy's in his thirties...and he's retiring. Does that make me
sad? No. Does it make me envious? Yes."
On Crying At The Olympics:
"You're dealing with the best in the world, and you're dealing with
people who have trained their entire lives for one chance at something. So
when someone wins a gold medal, they freak out!"
"I think that people have a tremendous amount of emotion invested in
sporting events, and to see someone cry, it raises it to ridiculous orgasmic
levels. I am speaking from personal experience."
On Politicians Crying:
"It's kind of like seeing your dad cry. The guy whose supposed to know
what's going on, and then all of a sudden you're like (tears up) 'I
want a new dad.' "
On Bob Dole Crying:
"When you pump a guy up like Bob Dole that full with viagra, you're going
to get blue balls. I imagine he was in a great deal of pain, and that explains
On George W. Bush Crying:
"When George W. Bush cried at his inguration, he was holding back
laughter on how he had pulled one over on us. and I still get a chuckle from
it now and then."
On George Bush Over His Dog, Millie Having Puppies:
"Obviously, the wimp gene was passed on to father Bush to George W.
On The "Clinton Girls" Crying:
"Clinton's a playa', and clearly he has hurt a lot of women. But one
woman he treated right was Lady America."
On Kathie Lee's Sweatshop Scandal:
"Think about how upset you would be if you were employing children under
horrible work conditions, and you got caught."
" Hou-pussy! "
Airdate : October , 2003
Joining me now to discuss [David] Blaine's feat is our Senior Correspondent
For The Black Arts And Occult, Mr. Ed Helms.
Ed: (telepathically, as pictured above)
It's good to be here, Jon.
Ed, after this latest (-----) by Blaine, I've got to ask, is David Blaine a
Houdini for these generation?
(laughs) Houdini? You know what that guy should of been called? Hou-pussy!
David Blaine is much better. Harry Houdini wouldn't of lasted five minutes in
that plastic box.
Well, he was an escape artist.
He was a quitter, okay? You put him in a straight jacket, chains, (--------)
and even then he'd be out in a minute. 'Bye folks, show's over.' Where is the
magic in that? David Blaine sat in a box for 44 days. He taught us how to
First of all, I wouldn't necessarily say that Houdini was a quitter, a
lot of people thought of it as a metaphor. An immigrant showing that its
possible to get out of a terrible situation no matter what the odds, to
escape. People found it inspiring.
David Blaine is also a metaphor. His exploits tell us that in these troubled
times there is no escape. So we might as well sit back and do nothing. 'Oh,
but we need peace in the middle east! Where are the weapons of massive
destruction? That space is for handicapped people, Ed!' Enough already! I may
not do much on this planet, but David Blaine showed me that I could do
And you're saying that that is is message?
Messages...why does every hunger strike have to have a message, Jon? Can't it
be just about the hunger?
" Ad Nauseam's Salute To
Getting Hit In The Nuts
Re-air Date: October 23,
See August, 2003
" Vh1 Super Secret TV Formulas : Episode 1 "
Airdate : October 24,
I'm not sure, but I think
this is a new series on VH1. So maybe Ed will have more commentary in future
Ed only appeared in the first two episodes of this series. And he only had two
lines in the two episodes he was in. The second episode is not even worth
mentioning, because Ed just had a one second line (I couldn't even get it on
my tape it went by so fast.).
On the Jim J. Bullock Character
Getting Raped in a Van on Too Close For Comfort:
(Ed watching it on TV)
"This is so confusing on so many levels..."
On Alex Keaton (Family Ties) addiction to diet pills:
"The only drug on this big drug episode are diet pills."
" Isn't Ed A Bit Too Young To Be A Wal-Mart Greeter? "
Airdate : October 27, 2003
Wal-Mart has seemed to be an unstoppable retail juggernaut for years now. Is
this [immigration] scandal going to slow them down?
I'm afraid so, Jon. In fact, right here in Anytown, USA, it looks like the end
of Wal-Mart as we know it. The thousands of small towns that have sprung up
near our nation's Wal-Marts may lose their vital center, the very soul of
their community. There would be nothing but schools, government buildings, and
Ed, I had no idea that the situation was so serious.
Serious, and tragic. Our children would not grow up knowing the pleasures of
strolling down main aisle, or smelling the freshly boxed bread in the bakery
department. They may never know the joy of buying 20 pounds of peanut butter
with a five dollar bill, and getting some change back, provided that you had
your club card. The simple things, Jon. Like the awkwardness of having your
friends grandmother greet you when you come into the store.
Ed, can I ask you, have you had the opportunity to speak to speak to any
people who work at Wal-Mart?
Indeed, Jon. And they are the real victims in this. I met a woman named Mary
Ann, and she's been working as a cashier since 1981, and now 22 years later,
she's only five years away from qualifying for a dental plan.
Now, Ed, I'm sorry to interrupt, but what's going on behind you?
They're building a Wal-Mart, Jon.
But I thought that Wal-Mart was in trouble.
They are in trouble. There was a time where in the 60 seconds that I've been
talking to you, they would of built five Wal-Marts. And this one
isn't even a Wal-Mart Supercenter, ok? There's no Deli Counter! This is
Ed, Wal-Mart is still the most successful retailer in history! They're opening
new stores every day! I wouldn't write them off. I don't uh..
You raised some interesting points, Jon.
I'm sorry to interrupt you, but it looks like you've been hired by
Well...so I have! What do you know! Guess I've got some greeting to do, and on
that note, I'd like to be the first to welcome you to Wal-Mart.
" Digital Watch : Political Websites "
Airdate : October 28, 2003
The democratic presidential contenders aren't just holding debates to gain
attention, they're making their presence known in cyberspace. For more, we
turn to Ed Helms and Digital Watch.
Thanks, Jon. The internet has revolutionized the worlds of gambling and
pornography, now its setting its sights on politics. Thanks to his website,
Deanforamerica.com, Howard Dean is the first candidate to harness the
power of people who are bored at work. But he's not alone. All nine democratic
presidential contenders have used the internet to author their unique vision
for America. Joseph Liberman sees an America that gives him money, as does
John Edwards...and the rest of them. Just awesome, because this is much better
than giving money over the phone! But the web is also the political forum for
average Americans. Sites like moveon.org, allows citizens to sign online
petitions, organize virtual marches, and post their opinions on message
boards. These sites open the democratic process to everyone ... with a
computer .... and Internet Explorer 6.0, and a 2 gigahertz Pentium processor,
if you want to access the good democracy. But for people who are new to
democracy (I'm looking at you, Iraq!) the internet offers the most
basic services you need to get involved. In the old days, registering to vote
was a huge hassle! You had to get a postcard, and fill it out and mail
it -- hey, I got a life too, you know! But now you can just log on to
congress.org, click on the state you want to register in, and fill out a
simple form. But be careful, like many internet time wasters, its addictive! I
have already registered in all fifty states, and American Somoa! So, from
donating money, to giving money, to pledging funds, to volunteering finances,
the internet gives you everything you need to be politically active. (uses
his mouse to click on something) wow, you know I really feel like I just
made a difference just then ... but I gotta say, democracy is murder on the
carpal tunnel! For Digital Watch, I'm Ed Helms.