The Book On
Ed, nice to see you. Uh...Ed is out there where the senator has been signing
books all day long. Ed! Wow! What a day! Thousands and thousands of people
there. Tell me about the scene there!
Jon, as you can see there is a lot of excitement here now. The line behind
me goes around the block. Earlier it went straight down the block, though
the intersections, a lot of people killed, but now the crowd has gotten
wise, and the excitement is palatable!
Ed, you've been down there all day. Why do you think this book is creating
so much buzz? Watch your head...
(Ed's head almost gets 'clipped' by an on coming truck on the green
Oh ... (checks back of head with his hand) First of all Jon, people love
to read! Secondly, she's a sitting U.S. Senator, this gives people a chance
to get behind the scenes of the houses of congress. Imagine if Senator Larry
Craig of Idaho wrote a book? I would fight a bear to be at that book
Ed, I can understand your excitement. Have you gotten a chance to look
through the book?
Oh have I? Ok, allow me. (opens book) 'By the time Bill and I had
left the Whitehouse, Welfare Roles had dropped from 60%, and the millions of
parents had gone to work .... - are you hooked?! 'Cause there's 528 more
pages of this! It's a barnburner! Ok, the pictures ... you do not want to
get me started on the pictures! Do you know what the Chief Of Staff Harold
Dickies looked like? 'Cause I didn't.
What does he look like?
Ok ... I'm not falling for that because I'm not going to give anything away.
No spoilers here.
Ed, what about Senator Clinton's more personal trails and tribulations? You
know, the scandals, and the ...
You mean the sex stuff? Yeah, that's in there too, I guess. But I read 'oral
sex in the Oval Office' and I turn out. Bor-ing! The soul of this
book is public policy. Now that's exciting! That, that I can masturbate
Whisper (a Rob Corddry
Airdate : June 10, 2003
Ed makes a tiny cameo during Rob's story about being "made over"
as a bald man, who uses a tiny hat to cover up his "tuft" on his
head. While Rob's doing work on his computer, Ed walks into his office,
hands him a television remote, and says:
"What's with the tiny hat, you bald mother f***er?"
and at the end of the story, Rob hugs everyone, and he hugs Ed, but it doesn't
look like Ed appreciates the hug.
Seņor Citizen Discount
Airdate : June 17, 2003
Ed Helms finds someone new to blame for health care getting worse. These
traffickers are taking nickels and nickels away from Pharmaceutical
companies. But who are these traffickers?
The Munson Gang
With names like Zel, Livia, and Rock Hard Charlie they rent a tricked-out
forty-seven seater to go South Of The Border. But why go all the way to
Mexico? The thrill of the score? Kingpin Al says its all about the money.
These nizzles are sucking the drug companies dry! They could give a damn
about poor Pfizer, they just want to get high.
Ed watches as the gang goes into "go time" (but it takes a while
because they need a little help opening doors and getting off the bus). With
all the money flying, and the smiling faces, and the man getting
"primo" medicine for his excessive gas, the allure was just too
much, and Ed becomes another statistic as he bought a hit of Aspirinia.
Now the hard part comes : steadying the nerves for the ride back across the
border. Ed freaks out so much he grabs his emergency condom saved for his hot
date nights, and shoves the Aspirinia... well, we all know how the story goes.
But while Ed's in the restroom, the bus went though the border. Victory was
But Ed learned two things:
#1 : Seniors will tell you everything that is wrong with them.
#2: When you're anally smuggling Aspirinia in a condom, take them out of the
foil packaging first.
At the desk with Jon:
Jon: What can we do to protect these beleaguered drug companies?
Ed : Well, Jon, its not going to be so easy. I crunched some numbers, and it
seems that we need to retire everyone over the age of 65.
Jon: Many of these people are already retired, so uh ...
Right. Forgive me. What I mean is we need to retire them.
Are you suggesting we kill off anyone over 65?
(laughs) Come on! ... yes, that's exactly what I mean ...
Digital Watch : Digital Photography
Airdate: June 18, 2003
Hi! I'm Ed Helms, and today we're taking a look at digital cameras, the
revolutionary gadget that turns you PC into a dark room, which means that your
darkroom can once again be your mom's pantry. Now, finding a digital camera
can be a little confusing. I recommend small ones like the DSCP20 - it
has letters and numbers. Sounds very professional. Now once you buy it,
all you have to do is point and shoot. That is, make a point of reading
the instruction manual, and shoot though its 250 some odd pages.
After that, you will be on your way to be beginning to start taking your first
digital photos. Like so (tries to take picture, but the camera makes a
'beep' sound) ... and the batteries' dead. That's kind of funny because I
just changed it this morning. But that brings me to my next point : digital
cameras use a lot of power, and you can only re-charge the batteries if
they're in the camera. I'll just use this little baby right here. Now, we're
ready to take some pictures, and once you've taken them, you'll want to
transfer them from the camera into the computer. And all you do is hook this
in here, and then that in there, like so, and we're ... having a camera recognition
issue. Oh! That's probably because I haven't installed the software, which is
no problem at all, it will only take a second, and while that's installing, I
have a change to tell you another great (camera beeps, Ed growls) ok...BATTERIES
I already have some photos loaded onto my computer. I took these art a party I
threw for a friend of mine who got her wisdom teeth taken out. That was
a rage-er! She was in a lot of pain ... but with photos like these you're
going to want to show them around, and that means printing your digital
photos. How do you do that? Well, dummy, to print you just need a printer!
Seriously, you're going to need a new printer. It's kind of a specialty item,
and it runs around five hundred dollars, and not including the high-gloss
photo paper that goes for another forty dollars a pack. Now, you're may be
wondering why you would want to pay that much because traditional photo
processing only costs a couple of bucks. But don't forget with digital photos,
you do all the work yourself, and they don't look as good! Now even if
you can't afford a fancy printer, there is a low cost alternative. What you
need is one of these (takes out a Polaroid camera) an off-line analog
capture and reproduction unit. It'll run you about 35 bucks, and its simple to
use. All you do is aim it (aims toward computer screen) your digital
photo, zoom in, and download! (laughs) And now you got an instant hard
copy of your digital photo! It's really ... quite a pain in the ass. For
digital watch, I'm Ed Helms.
e-mailed me who was in the studio when this segment was taped, and her friend got
the Polaroid's Ed took during this segment.